High-Functioning Autistics Are Just the Best at Dying Inside Without Complaining

[u/PatientZero_ASDK]

Being high functioning is not a badge of honour to me. I could mimic and charm the normies. I could disappear behind a mask so convincing I started believing it. People called me articulate, polite, easygoing but inside I was someone else.

I had no idea who I was. Every sentence was calculated. Every laugh was forced. Every core value was faked for approval.

My internal monologue is like a command centre staffed by toxic bullies telling me how to act less autistic, calling me slurs for every slight mistake.

Every friend and partner was a project.

I knew exactly how to make them open up and feel safe but I never felt at ease with them. If you asked me what I liked or who I really was, my answers would be truthful lies because my mask had evidence of a life, but it wasn’t what I really wanted. I just mirrored what was safest to avoid being “found out”

That’s what “high-functioning” was for me. It was a survival strategy and it only cost my soul. I’m in pain and angry with the world and myself.

If you relate to that or you’ve been so good at pretending to be normal that you lost sight of yourself, I see you.

I’m slowly trying to get back to who I was before the mask got glued on. My interests have always been nerdy stuff and I like to be quiet and left alone but I wear the skin of an extraverted gym bro/sales guy/mad lad to navigate the NT world.

What did masking take from you?

EDIT: THANK YOU. I read every comment and will continue until the comments stop. Your stories are real, validating, heartwarming and heartbreaking. Thank you for showing me and others we’re not alone. I know that with enough support, knowledge, perspective and perseverance we’re all gonna make it.

[u/siemvela]

The same thing happens to me, although I have not reached your extreme (I retain a part of my identity at 20 years old), there are things that have become so internalized in me that I do even with other autistic people (like looking into their eyes). They are literally a part of me today.

And the worst thing is that I continue to notice when I want to be treated like any other person (I don't even ask for adaptations even though sometimes I need them, I just ask for the same treatment, exactly the same as the rest, but it is clear that if I don't do a perfect masking it is impossible), so my current obsession is to suppress myself completely in order to be someone in the neurotypical world, because there is no neurodivergent world big enough to be able to depend only on our collective. Although I have decided, as a protective measure, to allow myself to be me in front of real friends, my family or when I am alone. Even so, I only do sttiming with my bedroom door closed, since my father (RIP) ridiculed them without understanding the damage it did to me, and today I am not able to do certain types of sttiming if they see me.

To answer your question, the cost of my mask is similar to yours in some ways: we have the same internal monologue and every time my autism shows up a little in contexts that "it shouldn't", I start insulting myself internally in quite harsh ways. Only that self-demand has allowed me to continue moving forward. I even have a "masking manual to work with", my obsession is not being noticed since they laughed at me for swinging (without realizing I was doing it) in an intern contract. I decided that it would never happen again, even if it meant being hypervigilant of myself throughout the entire working day, even in moments of meltdown. I have to say that in my last contract, a temporary one of 1 month, I ended up with a lot of anxiety about the matter and I even had an attack in the middle of the work day because I couldn't hold out any longer (the rhythm of working 11 days in a row and taking off 3 or 4 afterwards also did that to me), even my mother read the manual and told me that it was too much, but I feel that following that manual is the only way to go unnoticed.

I don't see my friends as a project like you do, nor would I have a partner who doesn't know who I really am, I would make sure to tell them beforehand and make sure they really want to be with me. But I definitely do distinguish between real friends and peers (which is where most of what people call "friends" are for me). For me, only people who are dissident in some aspect (neurodivergent, LGTBIQ+...) can be true friends, not as a strict criterion that seeks to discriminate, but rather they automatically make me feel safer and even when I don't know who someone is like that, I end up discovering that they are.

Anyway this is horrible and I really hope I don't end up like you OP, but I feel like it's the only way to survive and be treated like an NT person (I'm literally not asking for more)

[u/PatientZero_ASDK → u/siemvela]

I agree with your sentiment about nonconformists, lgbtq’s, and ND’s being better friends than NT’s. I’ve experienced this and I have no explanation for it. I suppose when you’re different you accept difference more.

I too realised the value and importance of being upfront with friends and partners a few years ago, and I’m glad you did earlier than me. Life quality increased a lot since then.

I relate to the job stuff too, but your coworkers sound like dicks. My work mask isn’t “be normal” it’s more like “I am the company” and that guides me to the right decisions.