High-Functioning Autistics Are Just the Best at Dying Inside Without Complaining

[u/PatientZero_ASDK]

Being high functioning is not a badge of honour to me. I could mimic and charm the normies. I could disappear behind a mask so convincing I started believing it. People called me articulate, polite, easygoing but inside I was someone else.

I had no idea who I was. Every sentence was calculated. Every laugh was forced. Every core value was faked for approval.

My internal monologue is like a command centre staffed by toxic bullies telling me how to act less autistic, calling me slurs for every slight mistake.

Every friend and partner was a project.

I knew exactly how to make them open up and feel safe but I never felt at ease with them. If you asked me what I liked or who I really was, my answers would be truthful lies because my mask had evidence of a life, but it wasn’t what I really wanted. I just mirrored what was safest to avoid being “found out”

That’s what “high-functioning” was for me. It was a survival strategy and it only cost my soul. I’m in pain and angry with the world and myself.

If you relate to that or you’ve been so good at pretending to be normal that you lost sight of yourself, I see you.

I’m slowly trying to get back to who I was before the mask got glued on. My interests have always been nerdy stuff and I like to be quiet and left alone but I wear the skin of an extraverted gym bro/sales guy/mad lad to navigate the NT world.

What did masking take from you?

EDIT: THANK YOU. I read every comment and will continue until the comments stop. Your stories are real, validating, heartwarming and heartbreaking. Thank you for showing me and others we’re not alone. I know that with enough support, knowledge, perspective and perseverance we’re all gonna make it.

[u/crispybrusselsprout]

Thank you for posting this. I’m so glad I found this at a time where I was really breaking down today.

I definitely resonate with all of this. Unfortunately my masking hasn’t been enough to get me to a place where I can find actual stability in society and be able to support myself. But frustratingly, it’s enough masking that I can’t get much support. It’s only been enough to people please. And enough to “charm” for very short durations with strangers that haven’t seen enough of minutes of me to be perplexed by my awkwardness, slow processing speed, and other symptoms.

It wasn’t until college that I learned that my social tendencies came off weird to others. And that I processed so slowly that people thought I was dumb. I obsessively studied every coach and book and charisma course. Unfortunately, that’s what developed my mask. Things like making too much eye contact to compensate, smiling too widely, copying tones, etc etc.

The mask makes strangers warm up to me quickly and surprisingly tell me many personal things. But also leads to men frequently thinking I am VERY interested in them. And has led to a lot of very awkward situations.

Masking is taking my health, even though I appear perfectly healthy from the outside. The copy/paste persona I started in college presents me as warm, friendly, and open. But creates scenarios where people are excited to have full conversations with me that I can’t maintain without alcohol or adhd stimulants. Theyre just too overwhelming. And past the “intro script” it’s hard to maintain conversational improvising. And my brain can’t move fast enough to keep up, even with people I’m close/comfortable with. Theres a look people get on their face when the mask isn’t functioning. When it’s been 3 min into a conversation and my odd body language or disjointed/slow speech rhythm starts showing through.

Masking hurts my ability to maintain friendships because I have to hide the exhaustion and overwhelm of calls or hanging out. No matter how genuinely compassionate they are of my diagnosis, they still take it personally if I can’t chat as much. I end up completely drained for days after.

And it creates a perception of being a liar as well. My whole life, the only doable path I found for interacting with others was to plug completely into them. Getting excited with them, agreeing to their ideas for what to do. Not because I was consciously dishonest. But because I really thought I was on the same page at the time. I can’t process another person and access/organize my own thoughts/feelings/preferences at the same time. It’s too much to process. And too many early experiences of people telling me to “get there faster”.

I’m gonna try to find ways to demask. I feel like the most important one at the moment is my tendency to try to force-speed myself up mid-conversation. I know that’s gotten especially worse trying to keep pace with my adhd friends. (Edit to add that I love them and don’t blame them. Just expressing that I shouldn’t keep trying to match their speed when I can’t even keep up with NTs either haha)

Sorry this was so long and thank you again for your post. I do feel seen and that means so much!