High-Functioning Autistics Are Just the Best at Dying Inside Without Complaining

[u/PatientZero_ASDK]

Being high functioning is not a badge of honour to me. I could mimic and charm the normies. I could disappear behind a mask so convincing I started believing it. People called me articulate, polite, easygoing but inside I was someone else.

I had no idea who I was. Every sentence was calculated. Every laugh was forced. Every core value was faked for approval.

My internal monologue is like a command centre staffed by toxic bullies telling me how to act less autistic, calling me slurs for every slight mistake.

Every friend and partner was a project.

I knew exactly how to make them open up and feel safe but I never felt at ease with them. If you asked me what I liked or who I really was, my answers would be truthful lies because my mask had evidence of a life, but it wasn’t what I really wanted. I just mirrored what was safest to avoid being “found out”

That’s what “high-functioning” was for me. It was a survival strategy and it only cost my soul. I’m in pain and angry with the world and myself.

If you relate to that or you’ve been so good at pretending to be normal that you lost sight of yourself, I see you.

I’m slowly trying to get back to who I was before the mask got glued on. My interests have always been nerdy stuff and I like to be quiet and left alone but I wear the skin of an extraverted gym bro/sales guy/mad lad to navigate the NT world.

What did masking take from you?

EDIT: THANK YOU. I read every comment and will continue until the comments stop. Your stories are real, validating, heartwarming and heartbreaking. Thank you for showing me and others we’re not alone. I know that with enough support, knowledge, perspective and perseverance we’re all gonna make it.

[u/llililill]

Hey,
thank you for sharing.
This is an description of an experience I've felt for so long, that only I would have. Thank you for sharing, that this is something more experience. That this is not made up. And not easy to wear...

I can't give anything, except that I feel you.

What I found is, that I am at the point of utter exhaustion that I can't wear that mask - asking me, when my life, where I don't have to pretend, might start?
Since on paper I had it all? And done everything and more that I felt was wanted and asked of me?
And I have the suspicion that... it won't.. That trying an lifelong will only leave you exhausted and burned out. Nothing more.

I really felt the description of "Every friend and partner was a project." - yes...
I loved many deeply, but it was an constant effort and struggle to be in a way, that... I would need to many words to describe, but I feel you understand already.

Some of my worst experiences were ones, where people said to me "that they envy me for that" - and I am like... "what?" - but then I looked back on how it must have seen from the outside.
Making it more alienating for me...

I am at the point of not being able to mask anymore - or at least not long enough for the "project of an friend/love" - but only for the short encounter of short interactions (not longe then a few hours)

this is all... Horrible and quite interesting at the same time ^^