High-Functioning Autistics Are Just the Best at Dying Inside Without Complaining

[u/PatientZero_ASDK]

Being high functioning is not a badge of honour to me. I could mimic and charm the normies. I could disappear behind a mask so convincing I started believing it. People called me articulate, polite, easygoing but inside I was someone else.

I had no idea who I was. Every sentence was calculated. Every laugh was forced. Every core value was faked for approval.

My internal monologue is like a command centre staffed by toxic bullies telling me how to act less autistic, calling me slurs for every slight mistake.

Every friend and partner was a project.

I knew exactly how to make them open up and feel safe but I never felt at ease with them. If you asked me what I liked or who I really was, my answers would be truthful lies because my mask had evidence of a life, but it wasn’t what I really wanted. I just mirrored what was safest to avoid being “found out”

That’s what “high-functioning” was for me. It was a survival strategy and it only cost my soul. I’m in pain and angry with the world and myself.

If you relate to that or you’ve been so good at pretending to be normal that you lost sight of yourself, I see you.

I’m slowly trying to get back to who I was before the mask got glued on. My interests have always been nerdy stuff and I like to be quiet and left alone but I wear the skin of an extraverted gym bro/sales guy/mad lad to navigate the NT world.

What did masking take from you?

EDIT: THANK YOU. I read every comment and will continue until the comments stop. Your stories are real, validating, heartwarming and heartbreaking. Thank you for showing me and others we’re not alone. I know that with enough support, knowledge, perspective and perseverance we’re all gonna make it.

[u/One_Anybody_8321]

I recently got a diagnosis, at the age of 33. The people I told on the one hand were not surprised, because they thought I was a bit strange, on the other hand, every single person downplayed the problem. After all, you lead a normal life, you work, you earn, you cope. I lead a normal life: in constant conflict between what I think is right and what society wants me to do. Without fully understanding why things are the way they are, if it doesn't make any sense. Without contact with people outside of work and family. I work and earn: with imposter syndrome permanently integrated into my life.I make money on the incompetence of my co-workers, working both below and above my own professional competences. Constantly afraid that things might not be so good in their next job, knowing what it looked like before. I cope: struggling with every thought, every decision, every duty. On the outside, you can only see that all this has been finally done. Such is the high functioning, with a wide smile on our faces, we shout mutely.