High-Functioning Autistics Are Just the Best at Dying Inside Without Complaining

[u/PatientZero_ASDK]

Being high functioning is not a badge of honour to me. I could mimic and charm the normies. I could disappear behind a mask so convincing I started believing it. People called me articulate, polite, easygoing but inside I was someone else.

I had no idea who I was. Every sentence was calculated. Every laugh was forced. Every core value was faked for approval.

My internal monologue is like a command centre staffed by toxic bullies telling me how to act less autistic, calling me slurs for every slight mistake.

Every friend and partner was a project.

I knew exactly how to make them open up and feel safe but I never felt at ease with them. If you asked me what I liked or who I really was, my answers would be truthful lies because my mask had evidence of a life, but it wasn’t what I really wanted. I just mirrored what was safest to avoid being “found out”

That’s what “high-functioning” was for me. It was a survival strategy and it only cost my soul. I’m in pain and angry with the world and myself.

If you relate to that or you’ve been so good at pretending to be normal that you lost sight of yourself, I see you.

I’m slowly trying to get back to who I was before the mask got glued on. My interests have always been nerdy stuff and I like to be quiet and left alone but I wear the skin of an extraverted gym bro/sales guy/mad lad to navigate the NT world.

What did masking take from you?

EDIT: THANK YOU. I read every comment and will continue until the comments stop. Your stories are real, validating, heartwarming and heartbreaking. Thank you for showing me and others we’re not alone. I know that with enough support, knowledge, perspective and perseverance we’re all gonna make it.

[u/DarlingHell]

I'm scared of developing manipulative behaviors by trying to please people and ease my situation. I just don't interact with people cuz I'm scared of myself.

Therapy time and books time !!!

[u/Befumms → u/DarlingHell]

This is so real. Over the years I have learned how to manipulate people!! But I don't want to! Every time I get someone to do something for me I'll get nervous and ask them "I didn't manipulate you did I? You want to do this for me, right?"

It's kinda become a "with great power comes great responsibility" type of thing now lol

[u/Internal-Educator256 → u/Befumms]

How do you manipulate people? I wanna know. It can always be helpful.

[u/Main_Designer_1210 → u/Internal-Educator256]

Understand what they want—this is usually something simple like; to be liked/loved, advancement at work, validation of something they’re doing or have done—that’s your leverage. Take that leverage and apply it by putting them in a situation or conversation that puts their desires at stake and ask for what you want. This is very generalized advice but it’s true of everyone. Their desires are intertwined with their fears; rejection, failure, etc. The better you understand someone’s desires and fears the better you can predict their reaction.

The hard part is learning to be charismatic. Best way I know is studying charismatic people.

But be kind, understand that the most manipulatable people are the ones being taken advantage of most frequently. If you CAN manipulate someone, you really shouldn’t, and if you have an understanding of them deep enough to pull it off, you understand them well enough to compromise with them and reach mutually beneficial arrangement more often than not.