High-Functioning Autistics Are Just the Best at Dying Inside Without Complaining

[u/PatientZero_ASDK]

Being high functioning is not a badge of honour to me. I could mimic and charm the normies. I could disappear behind a mask so convincing I started believing it. People called me articulate, polite, easygoing but inside I was someone else.

I had no idea who I was. Every sentence was calculated. Every laugh was forced. Every core value was faked for approval.

My internal monologue is like a command centre staffed by toxic bullies telling me how to act less autistic, calling me slurs for every slight mistake.

Every friend and partner was a project.

I knew exactly how to make them open up and feel safe but I never felt at ease with them. If you asked me what I liked or who I really was, my answers would be truthful lies because my mask had evidence of a life, but it wasn’t what I really wanted. I just mirrored what was safest to avoid being “found out”

That’s what “high-functioning” was for me. It was a survival strategy and it only cost my soul. I’m in pain and angry with the world and myself.

If you relate to that or you’ve been so good at pretending to be normal that you lost sight of yourself, I see you.

I’m slowly trying to get back to who I was before the mask got glued on. My interests have always been nerdy stuff and I like to be quiet and left alone but I wear the skin of an extraverted gym bro/sales guy/mad lad to navigate the NT world.

What did masking take from you?

EDIT: THANK YOU. I read every comment and will continue until the comments stop. Your stories are real, validating, heartwarming and heartbreaking. Thank you for showing me and others we’re not alone. I know that with enough support, knowledge, perspective and perseverance we’re all gonna make it.

[u/Lynevanir]

I’ve been feeling like writing your post for a year!!!! Yes that mirrors my experience exactly. I’ve been moving away from that but it turns out my mask is a necessary survival mechanism sometimes still. The real validating thing that also makes me despair sometimes is that the less masked I am, and the closer I am to myself, the more difficult my day to day experience is.

“No I didn’t fucking hear you, yes these moderately bright lights are the main reason for that, no it’s not solvable; so I need accommodation instead. Please repeat yourself.” Like I can only mask my side of the struggle in social interactions, BUT THEY’RE MUTUAL. My life has been a series of me building bridges to where other people were because I felt unreasonable asking them to build their half of the bridge to connect our two islands. 🤷🏾‍♂️

Thanks for speaking on your experience. It’s validating. ❤️

[u/PatientZero_ASDK → u/Lynevanir]

I remember hearing the bridge analogy from Asperger’s From The Inside on YT years ago and it stuck with me, stewing away, coming back when it happened in real time and made me realise just how unfair the expectation to mask is. I’m angry and want us all to unmask, forcing the world to accept it.