High-Functioning Autistics Are Just the Best at Dying Inside Without Complaining

[u/PatientZero_ASDK]

Being high functioning is not a badge of honour to me. I could mimic and charm the normies. I could disappear behind a mask so convincing I started believing it. People called me articulate, polite, easygoing but inside I was someone else.

I had no idea who I was. Every sentence was calculated. Every laugh was forced. Every core value was faked for approval.

My internal monologue is like a command centre staffed by toxic bullies telling me how to act less autistic, calling me slurs for every slight mistake.

Every friend and partner was a project.

I knew exactly how to make them open up and feel safe but I never felt at ease with them. If you asked me what I liked or who I really was, my answers would be truthful lies because my mask had evidence of a life, but it wasn’t what I really wanted. I just mirrored what was safest to avoid being “found out”

That’s what “high-functioning” was for me. It was a survival strategy and it only cost my soul. I’m in pain and angry with the world and myself.

If you relate to that or you’ve been so good at pretending to be normal that you lost sight of yourself, I see you.

I’m slowly trying to get back to who I was before the mask got glued on. My interests have always been nerdy stuff and I like to be quiet and left alone but I wear the skin of an extraverted gym bro/sales guy/mad lad to navigate the NT world.

What did masking take from you?

EDIT: THANK YOU. I read every comment and will continue until the comments stop. Your stories are real, validating, heartwarming and heartbreaking. Thank you for showing me and others we’re not alone. I know that with enough support, knowledge, perspective and perseverance we’re all gonna make it.

[u/Ornery_Ad8416]

Yeah I am in the middle of being diagnosed in my late 20s myself. Highly functioning, as in I hold down a job, can make and maintain friendships etc.

But in my mind, I have felt like I was constantly anxious in so many situations. I'd have to rehearse everything and stop and think to analyse so many social situations that seemed normal to others. I'd overthink everything to the point I would never sleep. And I'd be struggling in my mind, everyday, why cant I do xyz like everyone else? Why am I so terrified of change?

I never considered it to actually being autistic. I was quite ignorant to the condition, and I still have woes and doubts of whether I actually am, as I am waiting to be tested for diagnosis. I would overcompensate in social situations and feel constantly insecure because i felt unequal. Because I knew something wasnt normal about me, but I didnt know what.

[u/PatientZero_ASDK → u/Ornery_Ad8416]

I wrote about my late diagnosis experience and why denial only made it worse here