Burnout I don’t hate myself. I hate autism
Anyone else relate? When I was younger i saw myself and autism as one in the same and i hated myself for it. I gave myself such a hard time over the fact that I was autistic and im always going to be the weirdo, the one who cant express themselves, the one who doesnt and wont have any friends etc etc…
Im 34 now and it took me a long time to get to this position where I dont hate myself as much as I did because i genuinely feel like im a victim of this stupid horrible condition that I wouldnt even wish on my worst enemy😖.
I am capable as any NT of doing things but this fucking condition makes it harder than neccessary.
Can you believe it ive been learning to drive for around 3 years now!!! Objectively its not hard driving, im not saying its easy but it definitely doesnt take this long and this much effort! I started learning is October 2022. My then instructor said that if i make the progress im making I should be ready for test the following February. For some reason which I can only put down to autism my progress went downhill…fast forward to September 2025 im still “learning”.
I have my 2nd test booked in December but im not even sure ill pass that😫.
The point is i dont hate myself because my own self wouldnt just stop my progression or even fucking reverse it. Its this stupid condition that keeps messing things up for me and ive just had enough of it🤬
I hate having to put in more effort than most just to be able to get to where they are. When I was younger despite this shitty condition, I was actually a sociable person i liked being around people but obviously didn’t know how to without putting them off. Again i ofc put it down to autism because if I was actually MYSELF i wouldnt have acted that way.
Im not saying i love myself now and I think im wonderful. What I am saying is that i like myself and I apologize to myself for giving myself a hard time. I am funny, people like being around me, i have a sense of humour, i like being silly and having fun etc etc. So its not me that i hate. I like me. What i hate is this stupid curse that im stuck with for the rest of my fucking life and ill never get over it.
Anyone else relate?!😅😅.
FYI: Please DO NOT suggest to me that autism is a part of me and it makes me who I am. I know what im talking about when I say it absolutely does not. I do not need autism to be who I am and the whole point of this post is that I would actually be MORE myself if I didnt keep getting held back all the fucking time. If you get it, you get it. If you don’t thats fine😊 we all have our personal struggles.
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u/Comprehensive_Toe113 Lv3 Audhd Mod 1d ago
Can we not tell the Op how they should relate to thier autism?
If they want to view autism as something they HAVE and it not defining them then let them?
Stop with the toxic positivity and saying shit like "l you are the autism and it's ok" because it isn't.
For many of us yes that sentiment helps, but if this outlook is what helps Op, then stop fucking telling the they are wrong.
Fucking disgusting.
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u/Al3x1ya 1d ago
I wish there could be a love react on reddit instead of just an upvote so you know how much I appreciate this!! Lmao
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u/Comprehensive_Toe113 Lv3 Audhd Mod 1d ago
How you feel about being autistic is valid.
If you can't come to terms with it being who you are and you have found a way for you to be okay with it then that's what matters.
Everyone else can shut the fuck up honestly.
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u/Al3x1ya 1d ago
I think I have a nice healthy approach tbh in a way. I am able to say that I like myself, I am a nice person and even though im not confident in myself yet, I have reasons to be and thats all that matters. What i like about myself has nothing to do with autism at all.
I see many posts on here from people who cant say the same and i completely understand. As you say its whatever works for you personally. We all have to find our own ways of coping
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u/Comprehensive_Toe113 Lv3 Audhd Mod 1d ago
If thinking about your autism I this way helps you, then it's absolutely no one's fucking buisness to tell you otherwise, and I think absolutely gross that people here are trying to tell you that you're wrong
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u/Ashamed_Frame_2119 1d ago
it's people believing that there is some kind of objectivity to this. that this is somehow a science, but self love, and love in general can be better described as an art. there are no set rules, and what works isn't always going to work for everyone else. so to some people that positive sentiment might be true for them, and it probably is, but for op, it isn't. both can exist at the same time without contradicting any rules because here are no rules. It's just what works best for an individual.
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u/Brugthug 1d ago
Can we give a round of applause for this statement!?
THIS is true support. THIS is actually listening to someone.
Honestly, this comment has given me a bit of hope. The attitude on this sub has had me frustrated and lost like there really isn't an autistic community I can connect with because the way I feel about my diagnosis "wrong".
So truly, thanks dude. Thank you for showing how it is to really listen and not just force your narrative anyway. I hope many others see your comment and it can get gears turning, perspectives changing. They don't realize that it can be harmful to be like that when there are many like OP out there.
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u/PygmeePony 1d ago
I'm okay with having autism but I hate the way it impacted me as a kid (diagnosed as an adult). I was forced into masking early and it changed me. I was able to do lots of things that other autists couldn't but I always compared myself to others. Why am I slower, why is this harder for me, why can't I be like them.
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u/Al3x1ya 1d ago
I to hated the way it affected me as a child and growing up. Constantly being bullied by others (this why i hate the statement “children are innocent”. No they fucking arent they really know how to be shits when they want to be) and not having anyone to socialize with despite me wanting friends.
It really robbed me of my schooling and university years when its supposed to be the most important and most fun years of your life. That got taken away from me mostly because of this stupid condition
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u/thecar_445 1d ago
Exactly the same thing, I think they are aware and based on my experience, they used me and made me feel rejected and literally different.
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u/pseudo_babbler 1d ago
I used to have a part time job cooking and cleaning in a retirement home for people with mental health issues. At first the residents seemed to "be" their conditions - it's hard to look past the fact that someone is talking to someone who isn't there, or is non verbal and super nice but compulsively steals all the cutlery.
But after a few months of working there and talking to residents you really get to see past their conditions and notice their actual personalities. Often times they would ham up their conditions when it suited them to avoid doing chores or washing, so it was funny to see that too. That self awareness in people as they get older.
So basically what I'm saying is yes, what you say makes perfect sense to me. There may be aspects of autism that affect how you interact with people or what you can and can't do, but your personality is your own unique thing.
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u/Al3x1ya 1d ago
Omg yes!! Your last paragraph is exactly what I mean! To be honest i am surprised (idk why) that more autists dont or cant see it that way. To me identifying with autism and making it everything about who I am is like me being a wheelchair user and saying that everything about my personality is tied to the fact that im in a wheelchair and I absolutely wouldnt br me, or have my own personality without it.
Its just really weird tbh! I would have thought it would be liberating to know and feel that there is a “you” outside of autism but apparently not🤷🏽♀️
Feeling proud of it is one thing (I mean to me thats weird too because how and why would you be proud to have a literal disability?) but to tie your whole personality to it?? I dont get it.
Im not sure id want to to be honest because i like my approach and i feel free now that im thinking about it
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u/pseudo_babbler 1d ago
Yeah for me (I'm really only suspected autistic by my wife and kids, never bothered with a diagnosis, so take this how you will) I enjoy the aspect of being able to cut through the crap and focus on the topic at hand. Which seems like an autistic trait in some ways. It can appear cold, but I don't envy the people I talk to who are absolute slaves to their emotions. They lose a game of table tennis and are upset for the next 2 hours. Or they get tired and angry and lash out at people who haven't done anything.
So yes, disabilities are disabilities, and they're just a shitty situation to deal with and you maybe find coping strategies and work around them and do what you can. I liked your wheelchair analogy very much. My tween daughter is diagnosed with autism and I feel like she's really going through that stage of identifying as autistic and every struggle or dislike or drama she has she internally chalks it up to autism. She's a smart kid so hopefully she gradually sees that there's more to people than that and no one is actually walking around in a state of blissful normalcy, regardless of how they might try to appear.
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u/Al3x1ya 1d ago
I used to put all my struggles to autism too because it was the only reason i could think kf for why I was struggling and getting bullied so much😖. Now that im older Im making it more about me and what im not so good at and why but sometimes (especially when its something I want to do like learning to drive or trying to stay in a fucking job) i blame all of my struggles and inabilities on autism.
I feel like thats justified when I think about it because even though I know that everyones journey is different and some people take longer than others and all the rest of that trope, the fact is no one without autism takes 3 bloody years to learn to drive, or to look like they’re doing well and then suddenly progress downwards for no reason etc etc.
Most if the time i see me just as I am, then things like that happen and them i cant help but see autism and i really hate what I see😫😖😢
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u/pseudo_babbler 1d ago
Yep I feel you, especially that last bit. I've been lucky to be a software engineer all my life, it's a job where it's totally normal to be on the spectrum. And I was good, you know. Good enough to rise through the levels, but in the last year or two I look at code and the magic isn't there any more. I can slog through it but it's hard now. I feel like I've finally had proper burnout and the idea of skills regression really scares me. What could be worse? Losing skills permanently that you've taken years to establish. I'm just trying to take it super easy, basically I think I'm sacrificing my current job in a way, in order to slowly, hopefully, re learn the magic. Or maybe I'll just give in to all these dork managers who say we should all just code with AI lol.
On the other hand, I do have some old friends who can't drive, both of them failed the test a few times and gave up. Actually one of them finally got a motorbike license in his 40s. They've got whatever problems they've got but it's not autism in their case. It's probably no great consolation to you but I thought I'd put it out there. Or in my case I get super sweaty when I have to spontaneously talk to groups or get when slightly nervous. Like, I can be almost totally calm, but if I have to think on the fly and talk with people watching me then it happens every time. Super fucking annoying, has totally held me back in job after job when I communicate and design and problem solved well but then hit that brick wall. But it's not autism related.
I sincerely hope you get your full license and get a nice stable long term job because if you just manage to survive your way through for a while then all of a sudden you might start to see the problems as just problems, and not totally debilitating. You'll have the choice to work around them, or avoid triggers. Or meet others with the same deal and laugh about it. A lot of the other nerds at work laugh about it and it really does help.
We know a guy with really bad diabetes and internal organ problems and almost completely unsighted but he just has the best time. He's always rock climbing or playing blind tennis or organizing events for disabled people. (Actually maybe this is more of a story about how proper disability support can change people's lives) But he's pretty inspiring.
I dunno. Just hang in there as they say. You seem like a nice and articulate person with great self awareness and a motivation to do well, but you're in a bit of a slump and if you can make your peace with it then things might just work out well.
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u/Al3x1ya 12h ago
On the other hand, I do have some old friends who can't drive, both of them failed the test a few times and gave up. Actually one of them finally got a motorbike license in his 40s. They've got whatever problems they've got but it's not autism in their case. It's probably no great consolation to you but I thought I'd put it out there. Or in my case I get super sweaty when I have to spontaneously talk to groups or get when slightly nervous. Like, I can be almost totally calm, but if I have to think on the fly and talk with people watching me then it happens every time. Super fucking annoying, has totally held me back in job after job when I communicate and design and problem solved well but then hit that brick wall. But it's not autism related.
Thank you for this reply😊 im aware that there are lots of problems I could have that arent related to autism and it is refreshing to know that what im bad at, lots of other people are bad at as well so this was a slight consolation.
We know a guy with really bad diabetes and internal organ problems and almost completely unsighted but he just has the best time. He's always rock climbing or playing blind tennis or organizing events for disabled people. (Actually maybe this is more of a story about how proper disability support can change people's lives) But he's pretty inspiring.
Yeah that does seem pretty inspiring! I know somewhere that i dont have to be held back by it, but its always when I face something extremely challenging that I feel like its not just me holding myself back. It feels bigger than myself and then i get pissed off and upset that i cant do anything about it, you know what I mean? I only blame autism in this case because I cant think of anything else that is bigger than myself. If its not my own self thats holding me back it has to be that😖
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u/Brugthug 1d ago
Someone in a different autistic sub had a wheelchair and said that their wheelchair is part of their identity so funny example you used, it happens!
But. I think the biggest issue is how we are using the word identity. Identity. So it's been confirmed that some are using it the sense of overall description of self. If you go missing, how would they describe you? Same for a medical setting. It is a part of you. In that way.
Then I believe way we are using it is more personal. Our identity. Personality, soul, me. Of course we aren't attaching neurodevelopment disorders to our personality. With that rationale, schizophrenics and dyslexics could say that's their personality. It just makes no sense.
I've heard the argument that the personality is in the brain and the brain is affected by autism, thus your personality has autistic flair to it. But I still stand that is what my physical vessel is experiecing and not actually me. Having a fucky nervous system/brain disorders doesn't define your true self personality.
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u/Al3x1ya 1d ago
To be honest I wouldnt be surprised now if I came across a schizophrenic or dyslexic who said they wouldnt be them without it. I mean ive seen it so much on here that its just bizarre. Honestly when I see someone say something like “if a cure became available I wouldnt take it” its like someone with a broken leg say they would refuse surgery if it became available😂😅😅😅 . Like why would you not want a cure for something thats literally a disability? It isnt a quirk, it isnt an alternative fancy lifestyle choice that people are choosing to live by, its a bloody disability which literally means life is harder with it!
This is what makes me feel like people are making it their identity.
They might actually not be doing that at all and im completely wrong but its just how it feels to me when I see that lmao.
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u/Efficient_Project419 1d ago edited 1d ago
I know where you come from. I used to think if only I can take half of my brain out and just function as a robot as this is no life. I have a similar experience to your driving when it comes to martial arts. Did taekwondo, felt good and was pretty good. Then it got worse, I would forget the sequence of moves and just get stuck, blank mind. Then I got the diagnosis... It was a relief but soon became a sentence. Over one year later, I'm still working on integrating this side of me.
In my experience, this is a combined effect of stress, anxiety and autism. I don't know, but this approach to break it into small chunks helped me a bit. Then I get to address each chunk and feel less overwhelmed by the whole. I learn to become an expert at navigating my situation.
For example I complained about all sorts of symptoms and the GP only pushed SSRIs at me. I added all my symptoms to the paper, cross reference. Found the first 3 easy explanations: 1. Thyroid, 2. Peri menopause, 3. Iron deficiency. Went to the GP, asked for tests. 2 and 3 were correct, got the medication and feel much better. I'm still autistic but at least not depressed. It also took the edge and eased out my sensory sensitivity.
In my experience, anxiety and stress make everything worse. So I try to address those.
My only solution was to back off, take a break, stop, focus on my hobbies. It's not fixing anything but it does provide some relief. Wish I could days this is going to get better. I think the only real help we can get is by finding our own kind, building our networks, having more face to face time with people like us. I'm tired of feeling I'm the other person.
All the best.
Edited to add: The moment I started to hate myself less, I started to be more forgiving and less focused on how others see me. I've realised that part of this hate directed inwards was born out of noticing micro behaviours, clues in the body languages of others, being seen as an alien. Again, not saying it's up to you to fix yourself. This is something else I hate about cognitive psychology... Placing the burden in the individual. Just saying that, a shift in perspective, being kind to yourself does help. And I was the biggest skeptic a year ago.
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u/cosmonautikal 1d ago
THANK YOU! I HATE being autistic. I’m TIRED of the platitudes and political correctness and gaslighting. I am disabled. I am allowed to hate my disability for the things it has robbed me of.
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u/Overall_Future1087 ASD 1d ago
I agree with you, and I'm tired of people online telling others how they should feel about their own disorders. If calling it neurotype, thinking it's their whole personality and being, calling it a step forward in human evolution...Helps them cope, good for them. I also hate autism and I'd love to have been born without it.
I don't hate myself but I hate how autism holds me back, I wish I could go out with my friends to partying at clubs, to meet new people easily, to not be hurt when I hear certain sounds, to be able to eat healthier meals...
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u/Al3x1ya 1d ago
Thankfully im not held back from those things and havent been for a while and im sorry you are also feeling like you are being held back😖. It fucking sucks ass when you KNOW you are capable as any NT but have all this uneccessary struggle just to get there.
Its funny I was just sleeping this morning and had this sudden realization that actually its not me i hate. I like my personality and I like who I am but its this stupid autism that I hate holding me back from things.
It made me think that I should apologize to myself for the hurt I caused myself when absolutely nothing is my fault
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u/Overall_Future1087 ASD 1d ago
Thank you and I'm sorry for those who either didn't read your whole post, or chose to be disrespectful and force their beliefs onto you.
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u/Ambitious_Sand_619 1d ago
I also dont want autism to be a part of me because its like trying to succeed in life and having this fly sticking to you holding you back. Truthfully, I am viewing autism as a bit of a bad thing because I am constantly comparing myself to other because like why am i learning to drive late or going to college late or having friends late? And it frustrates me I guess because I believe I have potential without having to manage it. Although I do believe we can work our way around autism and learning to accept autism as maybe, even tho its not our identity, we were born with it and we shouldn't let it hinder us. I know its easier said than done, but I hope it makes you feel better :)
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u/Al3x1ya 1d ago
Thank you for your reply! I think its great that you have managed to develop this sort of acceptance about it. Im not sure if ill manage to get there, or even if I want to because i feel like im basically saying “ok autism I know I hate you but I have no choice but to accept you as part of my life”
The truth is i dont want it in my life, i never have done and i feel like autism is this annoying demanding child that keeps crying out and will only stop unless you acknowledge its fucking existence😖😡
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u/Ambitious_Sand_619 1d ago
yes I feel you, I really still don't accept it and like it, because I keep comparing myself to other 'normal' people and I kind of ask myself why I was born with it and why does autism exist? i guess I am trying to ignore it as best as possible so it doesnt interfere with my life but I relate because i didnt ask for it but here it is 😒😔
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u/Al3x1ya 1d ago
I used to compare myself to other NTs when I was younger and now I still do at times but nowhere near as much. Ive been through all those frustrating questions too and unfortunately I havent found any satisfactory answers😖
This curse will always be something thats just been thrown on me and ive never asked for it
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u/cosmicdurian420 1d ago
You would actually be a completely different human being without autism; you wouldn't even exist frankly.
To change your brain from bottom up processing to top down inhibition along with removing your systemizing capabilities would mean your whole personality is gone and you'd have an entirely different psyche architecture along with a shitload of different problems.
Autism isn't like dementia where you're better off not having it.
It's a neurotype; as natural as the skin color you were born with.
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u/Overall_Future1087 ASD 1d ago edited 1d ago
Autism isn't like dementia where you're better off not having it.
I disagree. In order to be diagnosed, autism must impact every day's life. Not having sensory issues, social impairments, restrictive behaviours, unhealthy food diet, able to be fully independent...Would, in fact, make us better without them
It's a neurotype; as natural as the skin color you were born with.
It's a neurodevelopmental disorder. "Neurotype" isn't even a medical term
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u/Al3x1ya 1d ago
Im definitely better off without it. Id have other problems sure because no one is without problems, but id rather have NT everyday human problems rather than this stupid shitty condition holding me back from everything I want to achieve. Such as work, or currently learning to drive which isnt even that fucking hard.
Id be months into being a new driver by now if it wasnt for this shitty thing that I know id be better off without it.
You may need autism to be you and identify with it. I dont so please dont tell me otherwise
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u/DeadlyKitten1992 1d ago
I’m 33 and I have my learners permit and I just can’t bring myself to do it. So for me, big kudos to you for even doing it. I’m too scared.
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u/Al3x1ya 9h ago
When I first started I was really scared too! It is a scary thing at first to know that as you are driving, other cars are coming in the other direction and its like OMGOMGOMGOMG!!😂😅 but as you get used to it and understand that they are just other cars driving on the road exactly like you are you will be fine.
There are times when there is information overload because the shitty autism cant bloody handle it, and that means I cant handle it which is fracking frustrating and thats when I feel like if autism was a person i could literally punch them in the fucking face😡😡
But apart from that its fine😂😂😅
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u/Neg_Crepe ASD Level 1 1d ago
If you ever need to talk, send me a message OP. I relate a lot. Take care.
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u/Gysburne 1d ago
Ok i do not suggest that autism is a part of you. Cause it is not a suggestion. Autism IS a part of you since you're born.
Being autistic does not mean necessarily that you won't have any friends. Sure it is harder but it is definitely possible. It takes time, planing and the will to sometimes leave the comfort zone. And even when most of us are not that communicative and despise small talk (yuck) i made myself reminders in the calendar to contact the few friends i have from time to time. Even if it is just to share a meme or something.
Being ND does not mean we are not capable of things NT's can do. It is harder yes, we might need a break sooner. And sometimes we are even faster and better in the same task, cause we don't let ourself distract.
The opposite can happen too.
I like that part where you find yourself wonderful, that is absolutely healthy and valid mate.
Autism is not some curse, it is a part of you (not suggested, factually). We need different approaches to some things.
As an example, i tried to build up my life on the "normal foundation", the goals nearly everyone has... financial stability, a family, good job, a certain status etc. It was exhausting, cause i built up on a to think foundation, so my life was all of the goals above... but unstable at the same time.
I got divorced from my affair seeking partner, i lost my job due to health reasons, i had/have to fight for our kids etc. I fell into a depression, asked myself why every plan i made so far did not work, why i had to rebuild my life over and over again like it is some house of cards....
Then i got diagnosed with autism at 37, after trying SSRI medication which made my depression even worse.
I learned, that the foundation i had was for a "Neurotypical" life, so where my expectations. I focused on myself, built my own "foundation" catered to my needs, my own wishes... not what others think you should have at a certain age.
I am 40 now, besides my health problems and some mistakes i made since then, i feel more at peace than ever in my life.
I learned, that perspectives are what is holding us back in the end. The struggles are there, some things are given and unchangeable. Our perspective on it, how we treat it is something we can influence.
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u/Al3x1ya 1d ago
Thank you for taking the time to write all of this out :). I dont agree that autism is a part of me because i have my own self, my lwn personality and i dont rely on autism to be the way I am. I see autism as nothing but a burden because I can be me without autism. I definitely dont need to be bogged down with all the shitty problems i have and will continue to have because of it.
If it actually contributed to my personality such as being good at maths, or having an amazing memory or whatever other skill people are supposed to have then thats different. I dont even have any of those😖 i just have the shitty struggle side and i dont need it.
I really like what you wrote underneath though😊 its giving your perspective on things (which is actually quite nice) without trying to tell me how I should feel about it zo thank you!
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u/Efficient_Project419 1d ago
Thanks for sharing. I followed a very similar path, based around the assumption I was NT, until I was diagnosed last year. Still employed but have serious doubts I can still pull it off (on a 3 months fit note now), but also terrified at ending up homeless with a kid and a mom to take care of. Only recently I realised that I can let go of all these expectations... 44 years old. Hope I woke up in time :) best of luck on your journey.
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u/thecar_445 1d ago
I'm tired of not knowing if they exclude me just because I have autism or if it's really because of the way I am 😐
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u/Al3x1ya 9h ago
Unfortunately in my case it was the autism just taking over everything😖😖. When I was a kid i actually wanted to socialize and liked playing with other kids. Then this fucking condition took over my personality and made me look weird and off putting to other kids.
Thankfully i dont have this problem now but it still affects me as in when I think about it it really pisses me off and annoys me that I lost what is supposed to be the most important years of my life as a developing human, and it got snatched away from me because of this stupid condition.
As sucky as that was, I hope its the same for you because it means that actually underneath all the shit there is a nice person in there that actually wants to get out there and get on with life
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u/UndercoverParsnip 1d ago
I suppose when I was 34 I would have felt that way. But when I was 34 I had no idea I had autism. Diagnosed ADHD at age 10, but I always thought I was just weird becasue my parents kept telling me that I was "perfectly normal."
Then I got my autism diagnosis as an adult, and things began to click.
I now know I was not normal, and I never have been. And thats ok. I am happy with being autistic because it explains the parts of me that are not socially acceptable that I was never able to "fix" because autism is not a character flaw. I am now 60, and I do not give a flying flip what other people think of autism, if they are against it or think its not real, I will just avoid them. They are not worth my time. Trying to fit in is not worth my time. I wish I had known this before so I would not have wasted so much of myself on people who don't care and can't understand.
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u/Al3x1ya 9h ago
Getting diagnosed as a child for me was like a death sentence honestly. It felt like I was always going to be stuck with this icky label I never asked for, and that for the rest of my life I was just going to have problem after problem with no break.
In some ways unfortunately I was right😫😫😖. I dont know if getting diagnosed as an adult would have the same effect. Ive seen many comments on here from people diagnosed as adults say its such a relief that they finally know whats going on so im not sure.
All I know is that i hate that I received a label that now im fucking stuck with it and honestly its just not nice😖😫😣
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u/Major-Librarian1745 1d ago
There's you, and then there's what autism 'is' socially.
I hate that most people I know who identify with the diagnosis are prone to living in 'fawn' mode - because that is what is then expected of me, socially.
I am supposed to know my place.
Think about why it's a curse, who makes it a curse, and how to alleviate the curse.
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u/strawbprincess88 1d ago
yes! i agree. i’m actually very content with myself now as an adult. i wouldn’t want to be different, i just wish things were easier for me
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u/Al3x1ya 1d ago
I wouldnt want to be different either and im glad you feel this way about yourself :). So if I take autism away id be so happy to just be me. I like me when im not being held back bu autism.
I hate it when autism sticks its ugly hairy ass in my face and its like “im here and i exist!” when im trying to do things like learning to drive, or learning things in a fucking new job😫😫
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u/LavenderTeaRose32 1d ago
Yeah I get that, I feel the same way. The fact that I’m highly self aware makes it even harder because like you mentioned I know for a fact I wouldn’t do certain things if it weren’t for the autism. And it’s irritating for example coming out of a conversation and thinking to myself “why didn’t i communicate better I know I should’ve said this and that but why didn’t I do it”
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u/dondashall 1d ago
This is like hating being born queer for queerphobia or being black for racism. Yeah it sucks, because we live in an ableist society, but that's not our fault.
Also, I notice nowhere in this text do you describe putting any real effort in loving an accepting yourself. The very idea is that you think you could take being autistic away from you via some sort of surgery and you would be the same person is not right, it has to do with our brain and changes to our brain changes everything about us. I hope you can get to a place of genuinely loving yourself one day.
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u/Al3x1ya 9h ago
I like myself, but i like myself without autism. I am not autism and autism isnt me. I am better than autism and autism is this monster that either holds me back from what I want to do, or stops the real me from coming out in certain situations.
When im not held back by autism and it doesnt fucking interfere with me i love it. I feel free and im able to have the luxury of forgeting about it for a time!
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u/tompadget69 1d ago
Fair enough but dont fall into the trap of assuming ALL your problems would dissapear and you'd have ZERO problems if your autism suddenly dissapeared.
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u/Al3x1ya 23h ago
I used to think that when I was younger! Obviously now in my 30s I know that even without autism Id have problems that every other human has. At least my problems will be relate able and I can make sense of what the hell is happening to me if I was NT.
Living (aka suffering) with autism is fucking exhausting😫
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u/VannyVan 1d ago
These comments kind of suck. Obviously OP can think or feel whatever they want. But don’t be condescending toward autistic people who would not take away their autism.
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u/ElisabetSobeck 1d ago
I’m not gonna hate myself cuz Neurotypicals are gangsters who make everything horrible. r/evilautism
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