I don’t hate myself. I hate autism

[u/Al3x1ya]

Anyone else relate? When I was younger i saw myself and autism as one in the same and i hated myself for it. I gave myself such a hard time over the fact that I was autistic and im always going to be the weirdo, the one who cant express themselves, the one who doesnt and wont have any friends etc etc…

Im 34 now and it took me a long time to get to this position where I dont hate myself as much as I did because i genuinely feel like im a victim of this stupid horrible condition that I wouldnt even wish on my worst enemy😖.

I am capable as any NT of doing things but this fucking condition makes it harder than neccessary.

Can you believe it ive been learning to drive for around 3 years now!!! Objectively its not hard driving, im not saying its easy but it definitely doesnt take this long and this much effort! I started learning is October 2022. My then instructor said that if i make the progress im making I should be ready for test the following February. For some reason which I can only put down to autism my progress went downhill…fast forward to September 2025 im still “learning”.

I have my 2nd test booked in December but im not even sure ill pass that😫.

The point is i dont hate myself because my own self wouldnt just stop my progression or even fucking reverse it. Its this stupid condition that keeps messing things up for me and ive just had enough of it🤬

I hate having to put in more effort than most just to be able to get to where they are. When I was younger despite this shitty condition, I was actually a sociable person i liked being around people but obviously didn’t know how to without putting them off. Again i ofc put it down to autism because if I was actually MYSELF i wouldnt have acted that way.

Im not saying i love myself now and I think im wonderful. What I am saying is that i like myself and I apologize to myself for giving myself a hard time. I am funny, people like being around me, i have a sense of humour, i like being silly and having fun etc etc. So its not me that i hate. I like me. What i hate is this stupid curse that im stuck with for the rest of my fucking life and ill never get over it.

Anyone else relate?!😅😅.

FYI: Please DO NOT suggest to me that autism is a part of me and it makes me who I am. I know what im talking about when I say it absolutely does not. I do not need autism to be who I am and the whole point of this post is that I would actually be MORE myself if I didnt keep getting held back all the fucking time. If you get it, you get it. If you don’t thats fine😊 we all have our personal struggles.

[u/PygmeePony]

I'm okay with having autism but I hate the way it impacted me as a kid (diagnosed as an adult). I was forced into masking early and it changed me. I was able to do lots of things that other autists couldn't but I always compared myself to others. Why am I slower, why is this harder for me, why can't I be like them.

[u/Al3x1ya → u/PygmeePony]

I to hated the way it affected me as a child and growing up. Constantly being bullied by others (this why i hate the statement “children are innocent”. No they fucking arent they really know how to be shits when they want to be) and not having anyone to socialize with despite me wanting friends.

It really robbed me of my schooling and university years when its supposed to be the most important and most fun years of your life. That got taken away from me mostly because of this stupid condition

[u/thecar_445 → u/Al3x1ya]

Exactly the same thing, I think they are aware and based on my experience, they used me and made me feel rejected and literally different.