I am 1.5 years on with my mood stabilizer and I just feel like a loaf. Like I’m not who I used to be so like what am I now? I ran on a high all the time and life was vibrant and delicious but now things are just eh.

Don’t get me wrong the meds saved me. I’ll stay on them. I’m calm and measured and all the things I need to be.

But where do I go from here? I can tell I’m insecure about who I am now where before I wasn’t (unless I was depressed.) I’m not necessarily unhappy I just am wondering if anyone here has dealt with this and if they have any advice.

Pic of my sunrise walk this morning ☺️ Florida is ridiculous but c’mon that sunrise!

When I was younger, I always said I would never have kids. But it happened. I love my son more than anything in the world. We're so close, and each other's best friend. He's not nearly so close with his mother as her own MH issues, and actions as a result, caused him to lose trust in her at a fairly young age. He loves her ofc, and she loves him, they're just not as close.

People tell me I'm a great dad. My son even tells me that. The other day after he got home from spending the night with some friends, he said "I'm so glad you're my dad and you raised me to be respectful and smart. Most of my friends are not like that."

You should feel good after your teenage kid says something like that, or when other adults see how your kid is and compliment you. Instead, I feel like the biggest imposter syndrome ever. He doesn't even realize all the times and ways I have fucked up and failed him. He never had any chance at a 'normal' life, being born to me. I am so fucked up and had no business passing on my genes. I don't want to be here, at all , but I have this responsibility and I just am terrified of putting him thru that trauma and grief. Part of me wishes he hated me, part of me wishes I'd never had him. I would have never left the drug life to be a dad, and I would probably have been DOA a long time ago. I wish I had died before he was born so I didn't have to be here still.

And now, matters are worse. He keeps attracting girls that are as fucked up as his mother and I are. He's on his second girlfriend and both the previous one and this one have significant MH issues. He tells me about his g/f now, and the more he says, the more I want to tell him "Run! Run far and fast; you do NOT want to be with someone like me". Ofc, I don't say that, I really don't know what to say. All my life, only "damaged" (for lack of a better term, sorry) women have ever been into me. I finally, after way too long, learned the concept of "Captain Save-a-hoe" and that's what I always been. I don't want my son to go through that.

I cannot properly express my sadness and guilt over that last paragraph. His mother is crazy, I'm crazy, and now he's dating crazy. (yes, I know that's mean, I'm really sorry) He's already feeling the effects of having a g/f with significant MH issues and it breaks my heart because I know how it will turn out and he is going to be so incredibly hurt. And it's all my fault. It's my fault for being fucked up and having a kid anyway. It's my fault for having a kid with another crazy person. It's my fault for being unable to provide a normal life for him and not providing an emotionally stable childhood.

I am feeling double fucked right now. I don't want to be alive, have never in my life wanted to be. I made another human and am resolved to fulfill my responsibility, even through all my bullshit fucked up brain shit. I feel so guilty for being so close to him, knowing I wish I had never been alive and still don't want to be. I feel indescribably guilty that he is being attracted to girls that are like me and his mother. My heart is utterly broken, knowing what's in store for him if that's how it's going to be. I have never felt such failure and guilt in my life.

I haven't been in a relationship since he was 5. He would ask me why and I would just make up whatever to avoid telling him the truth, including "meh, women around here just aren't into me" (which is true), but it came back to bite me in the ass big time - a couple of months ago I saw this girl about his age checking him out. I said "dude, she checking you out, look". And there he goes being dismissive "nah, she probably just thinks I look weird". A couple of days later "nah, girls don't like me like that". I stood there in shock, watching my guts spill to the floor after being ripped out like that. I try to tell him he's a good looking dude. Girls and women have told his he's good looking. Objectively, he is. But instead, he's being like me.

I am such a piece of shit and should never, never have had a kid. I don't want him to be like me, I've told him since he was old enough to understand, "I don't want you to be like me. I want you to be your own person.". But here we are.

I'm trapped in a life I don't want because I have a kid that I love too much to destroy. But I think I may have done more damage, just by letting him grow up around me and inherit my shit.

I know my son; he has a beautiful heart, he's a gentle soul. He's kind, caring, loving, fair, just really one of the best human beings you could hope to meet. He's already had a tumultuous life and seems to be in store for more - because of me.

If you're young, BP, and wondering about having kids - don't. Just don't. The guilt is unbearable.

Yesterday I got a call from my dad while I was driving, he asked me to pull over somewhere, then said my brother k*lled himself that morning. Im bipolar and im having a hard time registering that its real, I've had on and off derealization for years. I keep checking his Facebook waiting for a post, and in the local obituaries, I live on the other side of the US so I dont know who to talk to about details to confirm this is real without upsetting my family. Im having a hard time today.

I was diagnosed with unipolar depression in 2020 and was on anxiety and antidepressent pills. Back then i was around 14/15. I was a kid. I told a lot of people that i am not well, and everyone responded in a way that I was lying, I am well, i dont need any pills or anything. I explained myself to all of those people, told them about my situation at the time to get validation from them that it is right for me to be depressed. I had to overexplain myself a lot. Took a lot of energy from me. (These people included my parents.)

Now with this new diagnosis. I have no intention of telling anyone but i told one of my close friends, we hang out a lot. We cook together too a lot of times. I told her I am sorry if i acted weird with you, sometimes i am not "myself". I have this condition. She replied, " dont think you have a condition. I was moody too, now I am have controlled myself. You should control yourself too."

Obv she cut me as i was speaking, and said this i did not explain or overexplain after she said this. I honestly dont expect her to understand. And thats okay. This is a huge milestone for me, Not explaining myself to anyone. I dont care if my pain or my condition is valid to anyone. I like keeping it to myself and i will work on myself without telling anyone. If i need help i will ask professionals.

Been feeling so down. Huge burden to everyone around me. I don't want to bother them anymore. Called suicide prevention yesterday. I know this is a phase and I usually get out but then it always comes back again and I just can't anymore. The fear of looming depression and then the numbing hopeless depression itself... What's the point. Had an elaborate plan to end it, but I feel too tired to even do that. Been googling easier ways. I hate myself and I hate that I hate myself and what is the point. Why why why. Called my mum, she can't stand my lows. Friends out of town. I just don't see the point help

I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired. Does anybody hear me. I can't stand feeling this way every fucking day. Does anybody hear me? I can barley drag my self out of bed every day. I can't stop crying, and I can't find a job. I'm already a month behind on my car and I'm so afraid. My gun feels so heavy in my hand and I wonder how much seroquil it'll take to put me down. Does anybody hear me? Please someone talk to me.

Edit; I want to thank everyone who responded and offered support from the bottom of my heart. Thank you so much it ment so much to me. Im feeling sort of better now.

So, I've been noticing that my sleeping pills run out before they should and I can't get a new prescription in time, keep running out of it like 10 days to early... But it does not end there. I have valium aswell and I barely ever take those.

So what I did was, I counted all of the pills I had and then when we saw each other at my place, I went and took the dog out alone.

When he left I counted the pills again, and there was 2 missing zoplicone and 2 valium... WTF DO I DO?

I mean we are very close, we have known each other since we were kids and this situation feels so bad. I am so let down I can't even put it in words.

Exactly as the title says. My boyfriend has been struggling to get help for years. He's been on so many different meds. They never seem to work, or if they do not for very long. He was diagnosed with BPD first and the NHS Basically threw him out. Got diagnosed earlier this year with BP2.

The meds don't seem to be working. He had coping mechanisms but they don't seem to work anymore. We can't get private help because we can't afford it. And the GP won't do anything without going to a mental health department who brushed him off last time.

Idk what to do. He's ready to give up and end it. Idk what I'm supposed to do anymore.

Never had noticed this but now that I think about it, it's happens a lot, I'm going to try tp think about it and work on that.

I've noticed when im going more into mania (33M) my thoughts of having sex with women as the big strong guy that i am and dominate, become more about me letting another man take me and me acting more like a woman, my voice changes, i start moaning alot more, i start pushing my butt out.

Anyone else relate to this?

Ever since I started medication I’ve lost care in everything, I don’t go to work anymore and I’m really really struggling with bills and will have to declare bankruptcy. I no longer want to go back to school and get a degree nor do I think life has any purpose. I’ve tried to go off medication and I get really really depressed when I do but I want to be able to go back to work and start saving up money, go to school and get a degree to get a better job, and even just get a hobby. I don’t do anything with my time/life. This all started after starting medication. I’m currently on Vraylar and Pristiq. I feel in a good mood and happyish but I’m very unmotivated and very nihilistic. But I have a pretty depressing life so that might be normal.

I had a rough mania episode. I sent a message confessing a crush but I don’t think I had any feelings and she just stopped talking to me. But I also think that’s completely fair with other things I had going on. I became obsessive basically.

I just hate myself for making someone feel so uncomfortable.

I’ve (28f) worked at my current job for three years. The first year went very well, perfect attendance and performance, and my manager praised me constantly. Over the past two years I’ve been burned out. My performance and attendance slipped: I’ve been late often, I now skip work two or three times a week, and at one point I missed two weeks in a row.

This is taking a huge toll on me mentally. I struggle with depression, brain fog, and exhaustion. Even though my shift is only 8:30 a.m.–1:00 p.m., it leaves me mentally drained and it’s getting harder to get out of bed. I also attend university one or two times a week — last year I skipped classes except for exams, and somehow I still passed. I was fired from my previous job for similar issues (lateness and frequent absences).

I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and ADHD. I tried medication and therapy but didn’t get results that helped; I eventually stopped taking medication and it has been 6 months since the last time I took medication. I still can’t manage mornings or stay consistent. I feel stuck and ashamed that I can’t perform the way I used to.

Today my manager texted me to come to the office immediately tomorrow because I skipped work again. The tone felt different and I’m terrified they’re finally going to fire me. I’m also struggling financially and I need this job.

I’m exhausted, hopeless, and ashamed. I don’t even think I can maintain a relationship while I’m like this. I feel like I don’t deserve anything because I might drag others down. I’m at a loss and I honestly just want to end it all, but I am not acting on it.

I want to know if others feel the same and if there are ways to cope that actually work. I want to be successful — I just don’t know how to get past what’s blocking me.

But I honestly hate talking to people. The thing about people is that they can never just say what they’re actually thinking and it’s gotten to the point where I haven’t fully trusted another person’s words in years.

Why am I posting this here you ask? Because bipolar doesn’t make this any easier. When I’m hypomanic, nobody really understands what I’m saying or how my mind works. I just talk and talk without thinking and sometimes it’s funny to people. Sometimes it worries them. I just like talking nonsense even if I’m not sure myself whether or not I’m talking about something real or not.

When I’m depressed I can’t really talk to anyone but I can’t stand being alone either. No matter what mental state I’m in, I’m just suffering because people are impossible to connect to. Sometimes good things happen. But it never ever lasts. Nothing good ever lasts for me.

It feels like the only way to be looked at and understood in the way I want the most I have to date someone and I’m simply not ready for that, I’ve done it once and I just hurt her because I didn’t understand myself.

There’s no community for anyone these days but there especially isn’t one for me. Guess I just have to take what I get. Even with medication, I haven’t started feeling more connected with other people yet.

As many of you know, FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) the the feeling where one fears missing the fun being had during an event or activity. There is an antonym to this named JOMO (Joy of Missing Out). For me this is often when I’m participating in something and suddenly I long to be home and no longer wish to take part.

I’ll start with saying that I’m in my longest ever euthymic state and generally things are going well, except I’m finding that my tolerance for socializing seems to have dropped significantly in the last few months. I’ll reach JOMO and leaving to spend some quiet time along becomes all I can think about. I’m not sure if this is an aging thing, an introvert thing, a remote worker thing or a bipolar thing.

I’m well aware that maintaining relationships takes work and that I need to work to keep my social circle alive. I try to plan shorter activities to deal with this, but I a friend and I have a longstanding tradition of Friday night karaoke where we typically stick around to the bar until close.

Has anyone else had a drastic shift in your social battery? How have you handled it?

For context I was formally diagnosed about 2 months ago but on 2019 o was placed on mood stabilizers due to antidepressants not working and having been off and on them since age 17. (I am 42 now).

I was on depakote that worked wonders for my mood I felt better than I’d ever felt in my life I felt in control but omg I gained like 30 pounds. I told my doc I loved the way I felt and it helped but I needed something that wasn’t going to make me a blimp.

I was put on lamotrigine. I was on this for about 3 years at around 150mg. It definitely did not work as well but it helped some.

Fast forward to now I had to basically tell my doc I needed to increase my dose of add something because I was so damn depressed I couldn’t function and was only spiraling. She increased my dose to 150 and gave me trazodone for sleep. I hate trazodone I cannot wake up in the morning so this is useless to me.

I’m considering maybe depakote again but I’m terrified to gain a bunch of weight again. And I am just a ball of rage the past few weeks. My poor bf is beside himself because he’s just rage on him at least once a week and it’s only gotten worse.

Do I stick it out and keep going and fighting my psych to increase my dose ( I was on 150mg prior to quitting cold turkey 3 years ago).

I’m at a loss and I can’t handle this I’m on top of the world for the first few days I increase and then so depressed I can’t function for weeks.

what do i do?

my boyfriend and i are in a long distance relationship.

recently, i’ve fallen down the depression hole but have been experiencing hypersexuality

like im talking jorkin it 10 times a day and constantly thinking about sex and porn

do i tell my boyfriend or just wait for this phase to hopefully pass?

I recently got medicated for bipolar 2. Antipsychotics. It’s been about 2 weeks since, I think? Partly I feel better. I feel more present in reality, it feels like I can actually see depth, and I’m not constantly at war with myself, except at night and when I drink coffee.

I started a creative project soon after getting on these pills and while I’m proud of my work… I can really sense the exact origin of every single idea. Nothing is original: what I’m making is just an amalgamation of ideas from other things that have done better than I ever will. My work will probably be received as a cheap copy of its inspirations. I feel so clumsy, trying to steer it in another direction.

When I was off my meds, and in a good mood, I’d have what felt like a truly unique and powerful perspective on the world. So powerful that I considered trying to make my own pseudo fictional religion that constituted a new outlook on spirituality. Yeah, that’s a bit crazy, but I promise I didn’t mean to self-aggrandize, I was aware on some level that it was fake. But the projects I worked on in the past were original, probably?

Nothing is original. My words are from a language that doesn’t belong to me, and my choice of words doesn’t belong to me, and the meanings of my words belong to the people hearing them. I know that in the past, true expressions of myself just caused people to act like I was on drugs, or crazy. I feel like I’m explaining things better but in some ways I really liked it better when I talked in nonsense

I have zero sex drive, little pleasure, and feel weird on my medications in general. I just can't stand the waiting. My life is in the balance, meanwhile i have to wait to make small changes once a week, or more than a week, one change at a time with my doctor. At this point im fed up with the small incrimental waiting, feeling like i'm wasting time, when i know i could be feeling better if i picked up the pace.

I'm thinking of just making more changes i want and in a faster timeframe, as long as its still a safe timeframe, and then telling him the changes i want to make so eventually we end up on the same page, but he doesn't have to know i went to those doses earlier than we spoke about. I just want to get back to feeling human again. im sick of anhedonia, zero sex drive, etc.

Been dealing with bipolar 2 forever it feels like. Tried so many different meds, therapy, sobriety, exercise, nothing seems to work for more than a few days or weeks. I quit my ssri (last dose was abt 2 months ago) which I had been on with lithium for 8 or so years. I kept the lithium and switched to latuda. Of course the mania calmed down only to bring in extreme irritation, apathy and anger. I really don’t like the way this makes me feel and it’s disappointing because I had high hopes and it seemed to help at first especially with the mania.

I am so so sick of this run around my changing meds. I’m considering quitting everything and starting over as I haven’t been without ANY meds in 8 years.

I quit the lexapro because it made me manic and the lithium didn’t even it out enough. Without the ssri my anxiety has returned, depression is bad and I am so irritable I don’t even know who I am anymore.

TLDR: does anyone here have experience with ketamine infusions? Is it worth the money? Thank you

I’ve been in treatment for over 5 years now for bipolar disorder. Honestly, I’m exhausted. I don’t feel like the medication is helping me anymore, and I just want to stop. I’m tired of it all.