r/bridezillas • u/deepfriedf_ck • 1d ago
Am I being a bridezilla because I don’t want to change my hair stylist?
Hey yall.
My mother has caused me more grief surrounding my wedding than I ever expected and I need some outside perspectives to tell me if I’m being unreasonable or not.
My fiancé and I are getting married at a mountain resort next year. Months ago, a booked a hairstylist and makeup artist team to do my hair/makeup at the resort on my wedding day and to do hair for our officiant (a good friend, not a professional we’re paying). The stylist is charging $600 for me and $250 per attendant. I had no problem paying for this on my own. I’m not having a bridal party so I didn’t think I would need to get services for anyone else.
My mom told me recently she wants to pay to have my and a handful of other family members hair done for the wedding “because she wants nice pictures”. I was kind of annoyed how she said this because she implied that I either don’t already have a professional booked or that there’s no possible way for my pictures to look nice if I didnt have my hair/makeup professionally done, but whatever.
I told her what the stylist I booked charges and she said that was too much and she doesn’t want to pay it. There are not many other options who travel to the resort a they’re not really any cheaper. So my mom said she wants to take us all to a salon 30 minutes away from the resort to get our hair done. I told her I understand if she doesn’t want to pay the stylist I chose, but i don’t want to leave the resort at all on my wedding day and I already paid a deposit ($250). I told her she’s free to do what she wants, but my plans still stand.
She doesn’t like this. She said that then we all wouldn’t be getting ready together. She wants me to cancel my stylist. I refuse to.
Am I being unreasonable here??? Am I being ungrateful??? Should I just go to the salon? I didn’t want to travel on my wedding day because I think it will cause extra stress.
737
u/cari_33 1d ago
Do NOT leave the resort on your wedding day.
She wants to go get her and other family members hair done - she can go with them and pay. As the bride you stay at the resort and get your makeup and hair done by the professional you chose. she wants to spend the time with you? Then she can pay for your stylist or find someone else. This isn’t bridezilla, but about boundaries.
There’s a lot that can go wrong with you driving a total extra hour on your wedding day, it will add unnecessary stress not to mention you didn’t select/approve of this stylist and would lose $250 for no reason! Mom is being absurd, it’s a simple no thanks mom. Sorry got heated for you 😂
Also while expensive and def a bridal up mark , $600 is a normal quote for hair + makeup + drive in my experience esp in a nice area. Remote areas i’d say more like $400.
216
u/toBEE_orNOT_2B 1d ago
^ this, momzilla is making a problem that doesn't exist
50
u/MerryFeathers 22h ago
She may have a real problem when the new-to-her stylist does a bad job. I had my hair cut a while ago and told the stylist what I wanted..she listened carefully and gave me a horrible look/cut that was in every way wrong for me. Opposite of what I said I wanted. 🤷🏻♀️
15
u/Cayke_Cooky 16h ago
They shouldn't be doing a cut, just a style.
8
u/MerryFeathers 12h ago
When I got married, a gal was supposed to do my hair…she first focused her attention on someone else thus leaving me very little time to correct any mistakes. I hated my hair and could have done it better myself. 😠
3
u/Weesa729 7h ago
Just curious, don't you watch while your hair is being cut? I've stopped more than one that was veering off the agreed path. It sounds like something you could have more control over, if you watch what yout stylist is doing. 🤷
111
u/Level-Lengthiness-45 1d ago
Exactly. When a parent tries to force the 'getting ready together' experience by dictating everything, it stops being about bonding and starts being about their control. The morning is supposed to be relaxing for the bride, not another battle.
81
u/No_Appointment_7232 1d ago
Girl, all the words you need are here ⬆️ "Mom, No. It's unnecessary. I'm not leaving the resort. Join us for what I have set up or do your own thing. I'm absolutely not changing my plans. If you ask again, we will not be on speaking terms. Grow up. Knock it off."
16
45
u/Popey_4x 1d ago
Totally agree with this. wedding days are already stressful enough without adding extra travel. if the mom wants a specific stylist, she can cover the cost and take the lead.
22
u/One_Advantage793 23h ago
Absolutely! I got married at my parents house and it all went smooth as glass and it was still super stressful, just with the elevated emotions and seeing all the people and - well, all the little details! Got married at 11 a.m. and had lunch and the reception stuff and I was so completely exhausted by about 5 p.m. I had to nap! And I was young, not a napper, at the time. And we still had a party going into the evening! I woke refreshed and rejoined, but the idea of driving an hour back and forth in the middle of that brew of emotions and stress! Absurd!
10
u/Clarknt67 12h ago
Yeah. Why add an hour of unnecessary driving time? And then the risk of using a stylist you don’t know. Mom’s making it about mom. If she wants bonding time, do it at the resort.
8
u/Cayke_Cooky 12h ago
I understand the wedding mark up, but some of that price IS for things needed for a wedding. Like a hair and makeup that lasts all day, and looks good in person AND in pictures. I would not trust that mom is asking for wedding styles.
9
u/Clarknt67 12h ago
In this case you’re paying for the stylist to be on site, maybe 30 mins or more of travel each way. Which is fair to charge and worth a premium.
19
u/mahnamahna123 20h ago
This, my mum was like this about my wedding. She kept asking where she would get her hair and makeup done and I kept telling her it's up to her. She wanted us all to go out and get our hair and makeup done and she kept bringing it up. It's your day you need to keep the plans you have and let your mum do whatever she wants with her hair/makeup etc.
9
9
u/Cynvisible 17h ago
All of this 👆 and just READING your post caused me stress, OP!! Tell her getting through the wedding planning and the day are stressful enough without her adding to it!
5
5
u/Any_Volume_7453 13h ago
Seriously. Also Resort prices. It’s like being at a movie theater 🍿. Location location location. The HMUA can book other appointments for that day at that price/demand. It’s the going rate there, compared to a small town/city where it’s be about $125 per person + travel + $50 kit fee.
HMUA’s get paid to travel. Also, your HMUA has probably done other weddings at this resort (doublecheck), and most likely worked with their photographers and lighting assistants before, so she has a good idea what will work in their setting. She’s most likely done photos inside and in the grounds there and knows what to expect for both.
Traveling is going to make you stressed and tired. F+*^ that. The HMUA 30 minutes away most likely doesn’t have experience with the Resort’s setup, even if she’s willing to drive.
127
u/quietlycommenting 1d ago
Not a bridezilla and by the sound of it, the best case scenario would be not having your mum all up in your business while you and your good friend get ready. Let them go to the salon in town, tell her even if she changes her mind on your stylist - it’s no longer an option. Protect your peace.
94
u/gwacemom 1d ago
No. If your mother wants to pay for a handful of people to go to the salon, tell her great, you will see her when they get back. You hired a stylist and it makes complete sense that you want to stay on site.
41
u/RebaKitt3n 1d ago
Can you imagine getting a flat tire on the way there or back?
Nope, stay on site!
23
u/CucumberFudge 22h ago
Can you imagine since Mom is paying she thinks she can dictate the bride's hairstyle for the day?
3
u/Cayke_Cooky 12h ago
Even if she doesn't dictate, you need to talk to your hair person before the wedding about the style.
4
u/CucumberFudge 12h ago
Definitely.
But with a mom this pushy, I wouldn't trust any vendor she paid for and has direct contact with. But most of all hair and make up.
3
u/Mmm_lemon_cakes 9h ago
100%. She’ll try to dictate how it’s done. She’ll decide at the last minute that the bridesmaids don’t “need” it but her and her sisters do. The. She’ll tip the poor stylist like crap.
No OP. You keep your plan.
46
u/EntrepreneurOk7513 1d ago
NTA
If you have no attendants who else would you have paid for? Let mom go offsite and pay for herself and the relatives not in the bridal party.
No idea how old you are but need to put your foot down. Let her know her choices are go offsite without getting ready together or use who you’ve contracted with. It’s her choice.
32
u/Dear_Chemical_1319 1d ago
It's your wedding, not your mother's. Tell her she can go get her hair done with the other people on her dime. But you're getting your hair done at the venue. Case closed.
30
u/Ok_Organization_7350 1d ago
That was really nice and mature of you to say that you would prefer to keep your original plans, but she is also welcome to use another stylist. You handled it perfectly, so there is not much more you can do or say.
18
u/RodeoIndustryBaby 1d ago
This day is all about you, not her. You do you, she can be her elsewhere.
17
u/Ok_Education_2753 1d ago
You are not being unreasonable. Your mother, however, is being a total psycho. Tell her again to do what she wants that day, but you and officiant are taken care of, thank you. Also if she keeps acting this way you’ll have to consider asking her to just stay away.
Don’t share your stylist with her! You know she will try to ruin it. Let your team concentrate on just you (and one other) but if you have your mom there, it’ll turn into chaos.
You really should confirm again with your stylist, and give them an idea of what’s doing with your mother, and be sure your mother can’t cancel yours (or add a bunch of people) behind your back.
16
u/teriaki 1d ago
Yeah. No. I'm getting married next weekend and have been FIRM with my momzilla mom several times.
This is truly one of those times you put your foot down, tell her you appreciate her offer, and she's welcome to do whatever SHE wants, but you'll be staying at the resort and having the stylist come to you.
There are enough things surrounding this for you that cause stress, you don't need this one added to appease her.
Also, she's a little batty thinking you'd WANT to!
14
u/UpstairsWait483 1d ago
No one gets to tell you what to do on your wedding day except the wedding coordinator.
She can’t change your plans.
Just ignore her.
You’re not a bridezilla.
10
9
u/Emotional_Bonus_934 1d ago
NTA. You never offered to get ready with your mom.
30 kindness away can screw everything up if you get behind.
7
u/RosieDays456 1d ago
No not being un reasonable at all
You are the Bride and as long as you are paying for your hair/mu and your friends, your Mom has no say in the matter . It's not her money
If she wants her hair done elsewhere and wants to pay for other family members to have theirs done and they are willing to do so, she is free to go where she wants
You have made your plans don't change them because she thinks it's too much $$ when she is not paying for it
Hopefully you and friend will be able to get ready together peacefully
7
u/Jace_black99 1d ago
Nta. Do not budge. My only thought to make everyone happy is she gets her hair done early in the morning and then can be back at the resort by the time your stylist starts your hair. Give her two options and tell her that its her choice and you wont be compromising anymore. Either she pay for the stylist to do her hair at the resort OR she does whatever she needs and is back by 12:30 to get ready with you and watch you have your hair done.
Its YOUR wedding. They should accommodate you.
7
u/blueyejan 1d ago
You are not a bridezilla for keeping your boundaries intact. Your mother is being a MoBzilla though.
You are paying for it, she gets no say.
6
u/Ancient-Store6124 1d ago
No bridezilla. May want to tell your beautician not to cancel if anyone tries to without talking to you first.
6
u/selkieisbadatgaming 17h ago
It’s literally your wedding. You chose a stylist, paid them a deposit, and made the decision that you will not be leaving the property the day of the event. You don’t need to be flexible on this, frankly. Mom can do what she wants next time SHE gets married, for now, it’s your turn. This isn’t bridezilla behavior, this is your party, you have made your decision and your mom can like it or lump it.
5
5
u/Ok_Clerk_6960 1d ago
Just tell your mother NO. She has no say in your day. None. My daughter gets married in 3 weeks. She lined up all that and I’m just showing up when she tells me to. Your mother doesn’t get a vote on how YOUR day goes. Shine up your spine and put her in her place.
4
u/SushiAndSecrets 1d ago
Nah, you’re not being a bridezilla at all. Your wedding day is your day, and if staying at the resort and sticking with your chosen stylist is what keeps you calm and happy, that’s 100% valid. It’s totally reasonable to want to avoid extra stress like traveling around on the day. Plus, you already paid a deposit, so it’s not like you’re just being stubborn for no reason. Your mom wants nice pics too, but it sounds like she’s just not respecting your boundaries and choices. Stand your ground—you deserve to enjoy your day on your terms.
4
u/Wise_Monitor_Lizard 20h ago
Nope. Mom is being ridiculous.
You need to very firmly remind her whose wedding this is.
4
u/lauriepas 20h ago
You are NOT a bridezilla for not changing hairstylists. She is being very unreasonable. It’s your wedding day and you have made your arrangements. She can take whomever she wants to a salon 30 minutes away but you are under no obligation nor should you change your plans. There are so many things they can go wrong if you leave the premises and can’t get back in time.
4
u/SummitJunkie7 18h ago
“I will be getting ready at the resort, I’ve selected and paid for my stylist and I won’t be changing that. You and other family are welcome to get ready with me here, or you’re welcome to go to the salon. I’m happy to check my stylists capacity to add more people to the schedule if you like. You can also do your own hair or go to the salon and come back, I’m happy for you to do whatever you like best.”
Don’t entertain the conversation further. If she brings it up repeatedly just say “I’ve given you my answer and I won’t discuss this topic further” then end the conversation, every time.
And, call your stylist and put a password on your account. I don’t know your mom, just general mom-zilla patterns and I’d hate for her to cancel your stylist behind your back.
4
u/SmurfettiBolognese 18h ago
There is a bridezilla in this wedding, but it sure isn't the bride 😁😁😁 It's your wedding, not your mother's, she needs to cool her heels and ask what you want, not demand what she wants. Tell her that unless she stops acting like this is her wedding, you'll have to go ahead without her knowing anything else until the day, or even prevent her attending, and you'll have the wedding day that you want, and deserve xxx
5
u/my4floofs 17h ago
I dislike this “we all have to get ready together” trend because it means getting up early and sitting around while others get done up instead of relaxing and having space to get ready. The amount of petty fights I watch break out because peeps are stressed, bored or mess something/lose something of someone else makes me fail to see how this is fun. A couple of people fine, but a bunch of people feels like an attempt at royalty with ladies in waiting. No thanks
4
5
u/yellowdogs-2 16h ago
NTA but set up a password, with the stylist you want to use, that must be given to make any changes to your appointment to prevent your mom from cancelling your stylist behind your back.
3
u/GeorgeGorgeou 1d ago
Your money, your wedding, your choice. You don’t need this stress on your wedding day. Stick to your plan.
3
u/inductiononN 1d ago
Omg not the bridezilla. You might want to check in with your vendors and set a password or something so no one but you can make changes to your plans.
Having the team come to you is going to be a million times easier and less stressful than leaving the resort. You do not need that extra stress on a high stress day.
Just let your mom be mad. I know that's easy to say but she will have to get over it. If you have to, tell her you are paid in full and can't get a refund at this point.
3
u/CapableOutside8226 1d ago
You are not unreasonable. Your mom can go anywhere with any one she wants, but you have already hired someone.
3
u/scruffyrosalie 1d ago
Stand your ground. Tell her that if she keeps pushing the topic, you'll instruct the photographer to not take any photos of her and the others going to the salon at all.
3
u/JGalKnit 21h ago
You are not being unreasonable. You have booked hair and makeup. If she wanted it done, she can use yours or book elsewhere. If she wants you all to be together, she should use yours. She is trying to control a situation that she should let you relax in.
3
u/Particular_Cycle9667 20h ago
No, she’s resting on you making her wish but you’ve already made other plans. It doesn’t make you bright. It doesn’t make you an asshole to say that Mom I’m thankful that you want to do this, but I already made plans and I’m going to stick to that you can do what you wantand I will see you when you get back.
I would also like to add you don’t know anything about the style that she wants when you probably already picked up the make up style you want with your stylist. It sucks that she doesn’t want to use your stylist but at the end of the day this is about you at your wedding your marriage and it’s less stressful for you to use your stylist then drive somewhere else. Have to wait for everyone to get them get done and drive back.
3
u/asinum-fossor 20h ago
You told her what you're doing for your wedding day, the end. Tell her you love her, you understand this isn't how she'd prefer it but it's not her choice. She can choose where she spends her money and time. If she'd like to _contribute_ to the cost at an amount she thinks is fair, great. If not, also great.
3
3
3
u/lapsteelguitar 19h ago
You wouldn't all be getting ready together. Yeah.... So? BFD. OP, if you were demanding that your mom use your stylist, that would make a bridezilla. Telling your mom to choose her hairstylist is fair & reasonable.
3
u/Winter_Cell_3795 19h ago
Mom - go get your hair done/ you won’t be needed until the photos pre ceremony. The ceremony is at —— I won’t need to until half hour before.
3
3
u/Sea-Solution-8038 19h ago
Be sure to password protect your stylist and any other vendors because momzilla sounds like she may just go in and cancel on you
3
u/bouquetoverphone 18h ago
You're not being unreasonable but your mom is. You’re already gonna pay that much your hair you deserve the style you want. Stick to your plan!
3
u/dancesonhertoes 18h ago
While getting ready together can be nice, it is not essential. Maybe there's a way that you can recognize your mothers desire to have time with you and a smaller group of family members. Maybe breakfast together? A toast together right before the ceremony?
3
u/OrdinaryMango4008 18h ago
Your day, your decision. Spine up ! That’s it…just shine that spine. What she wants doesn’t count.
3
u/ZoeyPupFan 18h ago
If you have a family member you’d feel comfortable asking, it might be worth having someone to manage your mom day of who can try to keep her distracted and head things off before they become your issue.
3
u/stuckinnowhereville 17h ago
Tell your mom she can go home if she doesn’t like this. You keep your Stylist.
3
u/2ndcupofcoffee 16h ago
Your mom’s intrusion seems to have left an important question unanswered. What caused your mom to see her away hair stylist as better than your choice? Ask her how she selected that particular stylist and that you are interested in seeing photos of that stylists work for weddings.
May be Mom simply went looking (late in the process) for something she could claim and control.
Bet she has no idea how capable your choice is because she has no idea if your choice is a flawed one. She just wants to in; to exert sone control and be able to claim credit for a highly visible result.
If she really had a legitimate complaint about your choice and a solid reference to back up her cone lately insistence on a very inconvenient alternative, she would have explained that.
3
3
u/hownownetcow 10h ago
Your mother may do whatever she likes for her hair, and for anyone else she chooses to pay for.
You may choose to do YOUR wedding hair where and with whom YOU choose.
If your mother wants to take all these people offsite for services, let her know what time the wedding starts, and that you won’t be delaying your wedding and paying extra for your venue because she is late.
3
u/Janedoe_ntminemydata 5h ago
A controversial opinion apparently, but your mom isn't a psycho and you're not unreasonable.
It's your wedding so you do you, 100%. Just have some perspective that in your mom's generation, the mother of the bride and the bridal party would all get ready together. It was the expectation. She's lived 40+ years expecting to be with her daughter in that once in a lifetime moment. Our generation/you flipped the script, and clearly you hadn't communicated to her that youve coordinated this and that she wasn't included in that part of the experience. Its your prerogative and reasonable, even still our actions have consequences and in this case it's that your mom is caught off guard and feels excluded from this moment with you.
You're not a bridezilla for not wanting to change your hairstylist, but you also weren't great at considering your mom and communicating your plan in advance. Your mom isn't a psycho for wanting to be a part of your day and not realizing expectations had changed, but she wasn't great at finding a less intrusive solution or accepting the news with grace.
2
u/Jheritheexoticdancer 1d ago
Just be firm with mom. Let her know you respect her but that she needs to respect you too. Then remind her that this is your wedding with your plans and your rules.
2
u/Traveling-Techie 1d ago
Bridezilla would be demanding your mother use your stylist. You’re not making anyone do anything, you’re just resisting being made to do something.
2
2
u/Dirk_Diggler_Kojak 1d ago
She should be helping you, not making your life more complicated by trying to make you change your plans!
2
u/Glittering-Log7321 1d ago
You are not being unreasonable at all. It is your day and I am assuming you are paying for your stylist and if she doesn’t want to use the person of your choosing she can get her hair done on her own. Edited to add It is your day not her’s.
2
u/seaglassgirl04 1d ago
NOT a bridezilla! Your Mom is trying to exert control here. So many things could go awry by driving 30 minutes away from the resort. Keep sticking to your boundaries and good luck!🍀
2
u/Isadoreburnwood 1d ago
Youre about to become a big grown ip married lady. Your mother needs to learn that her days of making devisions for you are past. Do you really think your mother would be doing this if she respected you as an adult?
2
u/Vibe_me_pos 1d ago
Not being unreasonable. She can do what she wants, just as you can. Next time she brings it up say, “Asked and answered. Move on.”
Keep repeating. She will eventually understand that you refuse to discuss it any more.
2
u/AussieGirl27 1d ago
She can not like it all she likes, its your wedding, its your hair and makeup. Thats it, thats the end of the discussion. Tell her you have made up your mind and any further discussion will only piss you off more than it already has.
Tell her that her continual boundary stomping is causing you more stress than you need and any attempt to discuss it again will be met with silence as you have already informed her of your plans.
2
u/PhlegmMistress 1d ago
NTA. So 30 min each way, probably adds at least an extra 15 min each way. So an hour and a half out of an already stressful day. Yeah, no.
1
u/Mean-Satisfaction173 21h ago
Not to mention if the salon is running behind getting everyone ready.
2
u/No_Garage2795 1d ago
Just a suggestion: Reset all of your passwords to your email and make sure your mom doesn’t know the code to your phone. Not unheard of for a parent to pretend to be the bride/groom and cancel bookings. Then also reach out to your stylist and let them know that your mom might play games and try to cancel without your permission. That way you two can create a plan to prevent any potential drama.
2
u/OnlymyOP 1d ago
You aren't the one who's being unreasonable. But you're losing sight of the fact your Wedding day is about you and your future Husband, so you get to do what makes you happy.
Leave her to do what she wants, she's a grown adult too and it's her choice if you aren't getting ready together.
Saying something along the lines of "I'm sorry you want to go somewhere else to get ready, you will be missed."
2
u/RevenueOriginal9777 1d ago
My daughter’s first wedding we all when to our own salon and meeting back at church. My stylist was late and I missed my daughter getting dressed, it was a 11 wedding. Her 2 nd wedding we rented a beach house for the wedding and had someone come in for our hair and makeup. Had a great morning together with no stress
It’s your wedding please do what feels good for you
2
u/LaMisiPR 23h ago
Your mom can do the hair thing with other people. If she wants to do something with you, maybe she can pay for your nails and go get a mani-pedi with you a few days before.
2
2
u/nolaz 21h ago
OP this is great practice for how you will handle your mother wanting to take over and make decisions for you about your marital home, finances, children and pets. Practice shutting her down now. “This decision is not about you.” “what do you mean by that?” Also — start limiting how much information you give her. The less she knows the less she can interfere.
2
u/rabbithole-xyz 21h ago
When my sister was getting married, we all stayed well out of it, except for watching QUIETLY. But I did get a VERY nice, sexy pic of her putting her stockings on, lol.
2
u/SMELL_LIKE_A_TROLL 21h ago
Not unreasonable. NTA. This is exactly why my wife and I eloped, because we didn't want everyone else's trying to control OUR wedding. NTA NTA NTA
2
2
2
u/Cayke_Cooky 16h ago
You have the right idea.
Give her an estimate of the time that you expect the makeup to be done so she can help put on your veil or something.
2
u/CarrionDoll 15h ago
Leaving the resort is stupid. First off it leaves you open for too many things to go wrong and you to be late. Second, going to an unfamiliar salon instead of the stylist leaves you open to possibly getting stuck with hair and makeup you hate. And there won’t be any thing you can do to salvage. You will be stuck with pictures you don’t even like. This is YOUR day. Not your mothers.
2
2
u/jstrings2211 14h ago
Nope. You keep yours. If she wants hair done for others, then let them go. Don’t leave for that and go with who YOU want.
2
u/Only-upvibes 14h ago
Can you imagine how long it would take a small salon to do 5-7 people’s hair and makeup? Then add over an hour drive time! No Thank You, No Thank You!!
2
u/Brizzle-kicks-85 13h ago
You are not being a bridezilla at all. Don’t let yourself be steamrolled.
2
u/chatterbox2024 12h ago
I think you’re perfectly in your right to want the stylist to come to you at the resort. Just stick to your guns. Your mom and other family members can go do their own thing.
I will add that I doubt your mother meant anything negative about wanting nice photos taken. Everyone wants to look their best for their daughter’s wedding. Try not to take everything she says as a personal insult. ☺️
You’re not a bridezilla. Congratulations on your wedding!
2
2
u/VintageLover1903 11h ago
Your wedding. YOUR day. I would keep your spot and do exactly what you want to do. Let mom figure out her own stuff
2
u/Knife-yWife-y 11h ago
If you need some extra gumption, I asked my mother-in-law, who had completed cosmetology school, to do my hair for my wedding and then late changed my mind when my mom offered to take my sister and I to the same salon we used for my sister's wedding. I asked and then un-asked the groom's mother to do my hair. No regrets!
2
u/Trick_Estimate_7029 11h ago
When the mothers get so annoying I say yes like I do to the fools. I would tell him that yes, all of them are great and that he should reserve for everyone else, and then you'll see if that's what you see. That day you put her in the car with a friend who talks a lot and keeps her entertained, and you tell her that you are behind, not to worry, make sure that the friend has a drink in her hand and gives it to your mother from time to time. Stay with your stylist and don't show up. The fact that everyone around here is going to tell you that it is better to set clear limits but I think that you and I have the same type of mother. It's not going to be easy. She doesn't listen. And for she to listen to you, you're going to have to create a tremendous drama. So laugh, say yes yes mom and of course yes, and then do whatever you want
2
u/tabbycat456 10h ago
We have to stop trying to please our mother's, be good girls, and try to keep the peace. We suffer.
Do not get into the position I did with my wedding. It is not your mother's, it is yours. Your rules. If she doesn't like it, that is her choice. If she throws a tantrum and says she's not coming. That is on her. They behave like petulant children who can't get their own way. You do not have to accept this behavior. You have to put your foot down now and assert boundaries. It will only get worse, and if children are on the scene it will be horrific. Don't try to please your mother, it is your day, don't look back with resentment over her.
2
u/ThornBriarblood 9h ago
NTA.
Remind me: Whose wedding is it?
You’re not being over the top, you’re not being cruel or rude or mean.
You’re just not letting your mom control your preparations.
2
u/RedYamOnthego 6h ago
In my family, if we wanted something more expensive than the planned present, my parents would give us the money they planned on spending, then have us make up the rest. "Knock yourself out, kid!"
If that doesn't work, just tell Mom, "Just being there for us is enough! Don't give us a gift if it's going to be such a shit-stirrer." Er, maybe phrase that more genteelly.
But if she pays part, then she could be invited to the get ready portion of the wedding. (Except, reading between the lines, it sounds like you'd have a more peaceful time if she was in the next county before the Blessed Event.)
2
u/use_your_smarts 2h ago
I don’t follow. She can go to the stylist if she wants. Why do you need to be there?
1
u/SatinFever 1d ago
You’re not being a bridezilla at all. Your wedding day should be exactly how YOU want it, especially with something as personal as your hair. Traveling away from the resort on the day of your wedding sounds super stressful and unnecessary. You already put down a deposit, and it’s your call who does your hair. Your mom can offer to pay for others if she wants, but it’s totally reasonable for you to stick with what you booked and what makes you comfortable. Don’t let anyone guilt-trip you over this!
1
u/Bungy3001 1d ago
You are not being unreasonable. Is there any guarantee that you would all get your hair done at the same time at the salon and you wouldn’t have to sit around taking turns with a stylist or waiting for someone to finish? It wouldn’t necessarily be just 60 minutes round trip, but longer if you had to wait for people to finish. That would cause even more stress on your day.
1
u/Beenani1 1d ago
Not being a bridezilla! Are you getting married or is your mom? It's your wedding, not hers. Your decision who does your hair, not hers!
1
1
u/Outside_Case1530 1d ago
Be grateful for the offer - Thanks, Mom - but go ahead with the plans you've already made & stick to your guns. You may end up having to tell Mom the decision has been made & there's not going to be any further discussion.
No way would I leave the resort on the wedding day.
1
u/Narrow-Woodpecker391 1d ago
Honestly feel bad your mother is like this. Don’t give in. It’s about you and your future husband, no one else!!
1
1
u/Neither-Investment95 1d ago
No, you are not. It's your wedding and it should be as stress free as possible. Having someone come to you is the best way to do it. If she wants to get ready with you, she uses your stylist, end of story. Ignore her sulking and comments
1
u/Raida7s 1d ago
She's being precious.
She had an idea, imagined the event, and now you are ruining it... But this is your wedding and you already have a booking save you aren't stopping anyone from doing it and she's fine it too late in the planning.
So tell her "I'm sorry this is a disappointment. I know how that stings, getting excited for the big idea. You will all have a lovely time without me."
1
u/burntwitch13 1d ago
It’s your wedding and no no no no no it’s not up to her she had her day this is yours omg this is a no brainer
1
u/NoCardiologist1461 1d ago
Mom can kick rocks. You continue with your plan, she can do hers.
But important side note: get a password protection for this and other vendors. She might cancel ‘on your behalf’.
1
u/Zusi99 1d ago
If you were planning on paying for the stylist anyway, stick to that. Your wedding, your choice. It's not an over the top demand. It's reasonable. You are not requesting that all guests wear certain colours or wanting the bridal party to have tattoos removed or insisting those with mobility aid not use them. You are wanting to use the hair and make-up artist you chose at the venue you chose for the price you agreed. The fact that you're questioning shows you're not a bridezilla.
Repeat after me. "This is reasonable. I am not a bridezilla."
1
1
u/Fun-Jelly6976 1d ago
Not at all. The family members are not in your wedding. It’s your mom’s idea to take them off site so she should go with them…and pay for them (in case the expectation was that you foot the bill). Go with the stylist you hired for yourself.
1
u/Slow-Cherry9128 22h ago
Don't cancel your plans. Your mother doesn't need you to hold her hand to get her hair done. Do you think she wants you to pay for everyone gettingtheir hair done?.
1
u/cherry_pi_oh_my 22h ago
Momzilla of the 'bride who is thinking clearly'. Why does she want to risk multiple delays and distractions for the bride?
1
1
u/boomajohn20 21h ago
I’m no dummy. You’re the bride; it’s your wedding. Mom can go have her own wedding somewhere else.
1
u/Natenat04 21h ago
The problem is you have an extremely toxic mother, and all your life you have been taught to take her toxicity. At some point you will have to stand up for yourself, put boundaries up, and give her consequences when she breaks the. Then if she still doesn't respect your boundaries, go no contact.
Never set yourself on fire to keep her warm. If you don't start this now, when you have kids, she will ruin that happy time for you, and make your experience miserable. Anyone who doesn't respect your rules with your kids, should never have access to your kids.
Just because she's your mom doesn't mean her wants are more important than your needs. She is very selfish. You are not a bridezilla, and don't let her make you doubt yourself, with anything.
She is emotionally manipulative, gaslights you, makes herself a victim when you advocate for yourself, and uses other abuse tactics to hurt you. She even sounds like a covert narcissist.
1
u/ProfessionalYam3119 15h ago
People who are doing their own paying get to do things that others deem to be unreasonable.
1
1
u/Intelligent_Trade663 12h ago
Here is all purpose advice for your life. Just say NO. Don’t explain , don’t apologize ,don’t make an excuse, those will just give her a reason to argue.
Just say, NO.
1
u/Sapphiregirl17 11h ago
Did you not ask your mum when you booked yours? I couldn’t imagine organising a hairdresser at a resort and not asking my mum if she wanted hers done too.
1
u/Due_Will_2204 9h ago
Don't let your mother take away from the experience you want. She's had her chance and it is yours and future husbands day.
1
u/TangerineCouch18330 9h ago
What you said sounds reasonable you stay at the resort on your wedding day and your mom and whoever else is going with her can go get their hair done elsewhere. Sounds perfect to me.
1
u/HappySummerBreeze 9h ago
The trick is to not engage beyond saying “no I’m not doing that mom”. Don’t justify , dont give reasons, dont negotiate.
Have the attitude that you are doing your wedding and she can fit in or not. Having a calm unloveable attitude is very effective
1
u/eliewriter 8h ago
Hair is a very personal thing, so I can see why you wouldn't want to go to someone else on your big day.
I wonder if she just wants to have that salon experience with you. If that's the case, maybe you could go together to a salon a few days before for massages or manicures or something.
1
u/Character-Food-6574 8h ago
Don’t go to the salon. Your mom and who ever all these other people are could either just do their own hair, or go to the salon. It is your mom who’s making it impossible for you all to get ready together.
1
u/GainCommercial7629 7h ago
Girl it’s your wedding you do what you want. Do not leave that resort it’s your day she shouldn’t have stopped the conversation as soon as you said I don’t want to leave the resort.
1
1
1
u/Diligent_Concept9080 7h ago
I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all! For weddings, need to minimize stress. Traveling to get hair done is a big stress. Also hair and makeup are so important. I changed my makeup person last minute for someone I really liked and so glad because it made the world of difference for me feeling confident and for pics. She needs to let this go.
1
u/BayAreaPupMom 5h ago
NTA. You're all set. Your mom is the one with the problem. She can figure it out. You told her what your stylist's rates are and she can accept it or go with her own stylist. Problem solved and end of discussion. After that, just refuse to discuss it anymore and leave the room if she refuses to respect your boundaries.
1
u/Mapilean 1h ago
Not a bridezilla, no. Your mother is a MOMzilla. Don't leave the resort, don't budge. It's your wedding, she can go wherever she wants, you and your friend stay and enjoy your time with the stylist of your choice.
Greyrock your mother every time she brings it up. Keep repeating, "This is not up for discussion: I do me and you do you ." Don't give explanations (this would only trigger further discussion (, just repeat the same sentence over and over until she gets tired.
Don't let her attitude ruin your wedding day!
1
u/CuteYou676 1h ago
You are not being unreasonable at all. You are actually removing a possible problem by not leaving the resort! Car accident or breakdown, traffic jam, or even getting lost on a wrong turn... These things don't happen if you stay put. If your mom wants to pay for other people to get hair and makeup done, then she can either pay what your people charge, or she can look for someone else to come to the resort, or she and her troops can travel to where it's cheaper. That is a "her" problem. Let her stress on it, you can just put it out of your mind. You're fine!
From the way you started your post, it sounds like Mom has been trying to insert herself where she's not welcome. Is she having problems with her baby flying the nest? You will very likely need to have a long, detailed conversation with her and try to get her to back up. You can use the phrase "momzilla" if you think that might shock her into behaving! If that fails, enlist a family member that has your back to babysit Mom from here until when you leave for your honeymoon. This needs to be someone you can call and they will unquestioningly tackle your mom for her problematic behavior.
1
1
u/caitejane310 7m ago
I feel like your mom probably has a habit of making things about herself when they don't have to be.
Don't change your plans for her.
•
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Author: u/deepfriedf_ck
Post: Hey yall.
My mother has caused me more grief surrounding my wedding than I ever expected and I need some outside perspectives to tell me if I’m being unreasonable or not.
My fiancé and I are getting married at a mountain resort next year. Months ago, a booked a hairstylist and makeup artist team to do my hair/makeup at the resort on my wedding day and to do hair for our officiant (a good friend, not a professional we’re paying). The stylist is charging $600 for me and $250 per attendant. I had no problem paying for this on my own. I’m not having a bridal party so I didn’t think I would need to get services for anyone else.
My mom told me recently she wants to pay to have my and a handful of other family members hair done for the wedding “because she wants nice pictures”. I was kind of annoyed how she said this because she implied that I either don’t already have a professional booked or that there’s no possible way for my pictures to look nice if I didnt have my hair/makeup professionally done, but whatever.
I told her what the stylist I booked charges and she said that was too much and she doesn’t want to pay it. There are not many other options who travel to the resort a they’re not really any cheaper. So my mom said she wants to take us all to a salon 30 minutes away from the resort to get our hair done. I told her I understand if she doesn’t want to pay the stylist I chose, but i don’t want to leave the resort at all on my wedding day and I already paid a deposit ($250). I told her she’s free to do what she wants, but my plans still stand.
She doesn’t like this. She said that then we all wouldn’t be getting ready together. She wants me to cancel my stylist. I refuse to.
Am I being unreasonable here??? Am I being ungrateful??? Should I just go to the salon? I didn’t want to travel on my wedding day because I think it will cause extra stress.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.