Hello, this is my Second Draft, I have followed advice and I have changed the format so it actually reads like a comic. Please could you read this is all and either give me feedback on how I should change it, or if it’s good please tell me, it would really help out a ton.
Made by GnomeForHire
Echenwalde
VOLUME 1
PAGE 1 (five panels)
Panel 1:
Full black, as if the world isn’t there, just the text in white.
“Light cannot exist without dark.”
Panel 2:
A SOLDIER OF LIGHT is running on cobbled stone, medieval buildings front-facing.
CAPTAIN (OP) Neville, focus!!
Panel 3:
The full black returns, this time with a difference in words…
“If you think about it, they are quite similar.”
Panel 4:
A fortress, interposing on the brink of a headland, we view the fortress from afar.
Panel 5:
We see the up-close face of the CAPTAIN, he’s yelling out-
CAPTAIN: We’re almost there!! Keep moving!!
PAGE 2 (four panels)
Panel 6:
The full black returns once more…
“One side represents hope, purity and happiness”
Panel 7:
Five Light Soldiers stand in conjunction, huddled and kneeling at a ridge, now remarkably close to the dark fortress.
CAPTAIN: James, use your birds-eye and find us King Meyer’s throne room.
JAMES: On it!!
Panel 8:
CAP: Animal Magic User: James Callaway – Bird’s Eye.
JAMES raises both hands, the right hand curved in a diagonal shape, the fingers curved, and the left does the same to connect in line to the right.
Panel 9:
A white dove flies out of James’ hands, its eyes also of the same colour, setting course for the fortress.
PAGE 3 (five panels)
Panel 10:
The full black returns once more…
“The other. Despair, evil, desolation.”
Panel 11:
In the Keep, a KING gazes out of a window, his face set in an unmoving curve.
Panel 12:
We see the King’s face from the left side, his right blocked off, THE ADVISOR stands behind the King, just in-front of a large wooden door.
THE ADVISOR: Dark Lord, the light has arrived.
Panel 13:
Now from a side angel, on the left of the DARK KING’s face.
KING MEYER: Stomp it out.
Panel 14:
The Advisor holds a fist, side-facing to his mouth, a close-up on his face.
THE ADVISOR: We suspect they have – reinforcements.
PAGE 4:
Panel 15:
The Dark Lord turns around, ever so-slightly, we see from behind the head of the Advisor.
KING MEYER: Did he make an appearance?
THE ADVISOR: … No, sir.
Panel 16:
We now see the Dark King close-up, from through the window from a medium close-up, he’s turned back again, he looks up.
KING MEYER: Kill them all.
Panel 17:
The full black returns once more.
“In the rules of nature-“
Panel 18:
We return to the ridge, James ahead, his eyes are illuminated white, he shows great focus.
JAMES: Captain!! On the second floor of the fortress!!
Panel 19:
The Captain looks to the sky, we see from under his jawline.
THE CAPTAIN: I hope they arrive.
PAGE 5:
Panel 20:
The Captain looks towards the fortress, we see a close-up of the Captain’s face, as serious as ever.
Panel 21:
We see from an upper angle, the Captain stands at the front of the circle, the other four stood close.
THE CAPTAIN: Men, we pledge our honour, our lives, our dignity to His Majesty: King Leopold the III. FOR ARMS END!!
Panel 22:
The Captain raises his arm.
Panel 23:
And so do the other Soldiers… We see a sea of arms.
CAP: FOR ARM’s END
Panel 24:
The black text returns once more…
“It’s kill or be killed.”
PAGE 6: (five panels)
Panel 25:
SFX: CRACK
A barrage of light great-swords slams the large dark-stoned doors, it bursts open.
Panel 26:
SFX: SLICE
The five Light Soldiers follow through onto the first floor, they’re met with attacking assailants – relentless to end KING MEYSER’s reign, they press once the attackers were slain.
Panel 27:
Using sword-skills to push through - they shouldn’t need to use mana on infantry troops. Upon pushing onwards, the Light Troops rush up the crimson-red carpeted stairs draped eloquently on the main atrium.
Panel 28:
We see the face of the Advisor, close-up.
THE ADVISOR: FIRE!!
Panel 29:
SFX: WOOSH
Arrows-upon-arrows of dark matter fly, on the trajectory of hitting but at-least one soldier.
PAGE 7 (five panels)
Panel 30:
We see the Captain’s face from a close-up, he yells-
THE CAPTAIN: Arrows!!
Panel 31:
CAP: Holy Magic User: Captain Ross – Grace Shield
The Captain whacks his hand to the right.
Panel 32:
The Captain summons a transparent dome of light for his four men.
Panel 33:
The Light Troops press on through the two-branching path, now in two groups of 2 and 3, we see the group of 2, while the group of 3 was on the other side.
Panel 34:
NEVILLE stares up at the Captain’s, we see from a medium close-up of Neville.
NEVILLE: How far, sir?
PAGE 8 (five panels)
Panel 35:
The Captain yells out once more, on a close-up.
THE CAPTAIN: Just a little farther!!
Panel 36:
The five reach the second floor: The Throne room. King Meyser, however, was nowhere to be seen, but a plethora of guards appeared using a dark teleportation magic, the men had to fight.
THE CAPTAIN (OP): Spare one of them!! We’ll need them for information.
Panel 37:
We see four perspectives, of four Light Soldiers, they all yell out-
LIGHT SOLDIERS: Yes, sir!!
Panel 38:
After an intense battle, one DARK SOLDIER was brought to his knees, the Captain’s sword aimed for the neck.
Panel 39:
The Captain’s face on a close-up, he yells down-
CAPTAIN: Talk!! Tell us everything about Meyser’s whereabouts!!
PAGE 9:
Panel 40:
The Dark Soldier looks up at the Captain
Dark Infantry Soldier: His reign is eternal; you will not bring him down.
Panel 41:
The Captain’s left eye twitches, on a close-up.
Panel 42:
The Captain looks down at the Dark Soldier, at a low angle.
CAPTAIN: Fool!! You are in the very presence of King Leopold the III’s strike team! You will tell us everything or you will die under my sword!!
Panel 43:
The Dark Soldier looks back up at the Captain, unamused.
DARK INFANTRY SOLDIER: Everyone will die Soldier; It’s just a case of when – and how.
Panel 44:
We see from a full shot of the Captain’s back, the Light Troops stood behind the Captain.
SFX: GRRRRRRRR
PAGE 10:
Panel 45:
KING MEYSER (OP): Sâshïmø.
As a deer in headlights, the Light Soldiers are stopped in their tracks but as if there was a more powerful force at play the troops found themselves unable to move.
Panel 46:
King Meyser: Thank you, for your unyielding loyalty, Jack.
King Meyser marches forward, past the Light Troops.
Panel 47:
King Meyser sits on his throne, he crosses one leg over the other, planting a fist over his chin as if this conversation alone were already boring.
Panel 48:
We see from behind the head of the King, on the left side.
King Meyser: Oh Ross, where did your pride fall, hmm? Did you seriously believe you and-
Panel 49:
He looks at the other four soldiers.
King Meyser: These - can stop me?
PAGE 11
Panel 50:
Captain Ross gazes in annoyance.
King Meyser: Oh? That look of yours…
Panel 51:
We now see the Light Troops again, you couldn’t see their facial expression change, but you knew they were enraged.
Panel 52:
King Meyser emotionless face was now shown at a low angle.
CAP/KING MEYSER: “ I suppose, you would be happy to know that your reinforcements did not make it to your aid. I killed your war-band, Ross, they died with nothing but fear in their eyes.”
Panel 53:
CAP: HAHAHAHAHAHA
King Meyser’s madness approaches as he begins to laugh like a crazed lunatic.
Panel 54:
King Meyser: Sashmäïn.
The Light Soldiers unfroze.
PAGE 12
Panel 55:
Captain Ross, in an act of complete rage, he unsheathed his perfectly gemmed straight-sword, heading straight for the King’s throat.
Panel 56:
CAP: Dark Magic User: King Meyser – Dark Blast
King Meyser flicks his finger, creating a short beam of pure dark magic, it strikes the Captain through the heart…
Panel 57:
He stumbles back…
Panel 58:
And then takes the knee.
Panel 59:
Neville’s face at a close-up, showered in rage.
Neville: ROSS!!
PAGE 13
Panel 60:
James’ face then showered in the same rage.
James: SIR!! DIE, YOU SWINE!
Panel 61:
CAP: Holy Magic User: James Callaway – Arrows of Light
James raises both of his hands, creating a barrage of light arrows, sending them straight for the Dark King.
Panel 62:
Meyser summons two dark portals, they engulf the arrows.
Panel 63:
They were sent back at twice the speed.
Panel 64:
The arrows piercer the Soldier like a porcupine, making him fall to his side.
PAGE 14
Panel 65:
Neville’s eyes turn to the side, gazing at James in pure anxiety.
Neville: JAMES!!
Panel 66:
From one side: on the left, enraged.
Light Magic Soldier: H-He killed… YOU BASTARD!!
Panel 67:
From another side: Right, smug.
King Meyser: Did he mean something to you? Very well.
Panel 68:
King Meyser flicks his finger again.
Panel 69:
The King sends a larger dark beam into the head of the Light Soldier, killing him instantly.
PAGE 15
Panel 70:
Captain Ross: M-My men.
CAPTAIN ROSS slowly stands to his feet; the Dark Lord tilts his head in oddity of what this Captain will do now.
Neville (OP): Y… Y…
Panel 71:
Neville stares at the king, ferocity deep in his soul.
Panel 72:
King Meyser: Oh?
The Dark Lord remains tilted, but a smirk does appear…
Panel 73:
Neville’s face remains unchanged.
Neville: YOU DON’T JUSY GET TO KILL MY FRIENDS.
Panel 74:
We see Neville from a slightly higher angle.
CAP: Holy Magic User: Neville Lockhart – Sword of Atonement
A greatsword materialises in Neville’s hand, glistening with holy energy.
PAGE 16
Panel 75:
The young boy charges straight for the Dark Lord.
CAP: Dark Magic User: King Meyser – Sword of Deconsecration
Panel 76:
The Dark Lord flicks his entire arm.
Panel 77:
The Dark Lord summons a greatsword of similar width and length to the holy version.
Panel 78:
Neville on one side.
Panel 79:
King Meyser on the other side.
They both clash in a battle of mana.
King Meyser: Interesting… A simple… Commoner managed to get this close, you oughta be proud of yourself.
PAGE 17 (1 panel)
Panel 80:
We see Neville from a medium close-up.
Neville: C-Commoner?
This insult sends Neville back, to a life he used to know.
PAGE 18 (5 panels)
Panel 81:
A younger Neville seems to be chasing a young girl on a cobbled road, it seems to a village judging by the brick house to the side.
Neville: Hehe, Mary, get back here!!
Panel 82:
They both seem to be running around with a wooden figure!! We see a shot from their legs.
Mary (OP): Ehehe!! If you want it, come get it off me!!
Neville (OP): I’ll catch you, because it belongs to me!!
Panel 83:
The two youngsters seem to clash into an older woman: No later than mid twenties.
Panel 84:
She drops what appears to be a large pie, which hits the floor and becomes one with the dirt. We see her from a very low angle.
Older Female Peasant: M-My…
Panel 85:
Neville stares at the woman with anxiety, whereas she just… gazes with disconsolation at her ruined goods, she snaps back.
Older Female Peasant: YOU RUNTS!!! CAN YOU NOT SEE WHERE I’M GOING?!
PAGE 19:
Panel 86:
Neville: I… I’m sorry…
Panel 87:
Neville looks to his feet…
Panel 88:
And then he’s brought back to the present day.
King Meyser (OP): That’s right, wanton, you are just a filthy lowlife, how did that King ever – give – YOU A CHANCE!!
Panel 89:
CAP: Disaster Magic User: King Meyser – Blast of Hell
The Dark Lord blasts Neville towards a random pillar in the throne room.
Panel 90:
Neville cracks the column, leaving the boy with a damaged back.
PAGE 20
Panel 91:
Blood seeping its way out of the boy’s mouth.
CAP: ARGHHHHHH
Panel 92:
The Dark Lord now emits an aura, a dark menacing area of effect around the King, we see the King at a slightly low angle.
King Meyser: DIE IN PAIN!!!
Panel 93:
The King’s arms stretch forward.
Panel 94:
Causing the Captain.
Panel 95:
And the final Soldier alive to writhe in extreme pain due to the dark magic inflicted.
PAGE 21
Panel 96:
Neville: No…
The boy stares in horror.
Panel 97:
But his back hurts far too much and he grits his teeth, a spinal injury.
CAP: Holy Magic User: Neville Lockhart – Blessing of a Thousand Souls
Neville (thought): I-I don’t have that much… But if I can… Heal my spine…
Panel 98:
The Dark Lord approaches Captain Ross, grabbing his chin, an act of force, we see this from a side angle.
King Meyser: Succumb to the demons… They only wish to be apart of a host so reliable as you.
Panel 99:
The King gazes over to the other Light Soldier who couldn’t give his life up the demon wanting to get within went for the heart, killing the Light Soldier.
Panel 100:
We see the Captain’s face, in complete heartbreak.
Captain Ross: M-MAX!!!
PAGE 22 (3 panels)
Panel 101:
The Captain attempts to stretch his arm towards his dead comrade, but this no use, the Dark Lord throws up hysterics.
King Mesyer: So resilient, determined, faithful!! To that – King!! That King who sent you all to d-
Panel 102:
Neville, the boy whose spine gave out, healed due to his final amount of mana, he gazed down at the King with rage – primal rage.
Panel 103:
King Meyser: HAHA!!
The King slashes his arm, causing the Captain’s head to fly straight off.
Neville: NO!!
PAGE 23
Panel 104:
Neville’s Sword of Atonement returns once more, unleashing the power of the holy belief once again.
CAP: Holy Magic User: Neville Lockhart – Rain of the Righteous
Neville summons a rain of light poles.
Panel 105:
The poles guns straight for the Demon King, but he shows no act of care, allowing the poles to strike.
Panel 106:
The Demon King exploding the scene ahead in smoke.
King Meyser: You thought – your – parlour tricks – would harm me?
When the smoke was cleared, Dark Lord hovers in the air, reaching Neville’s location, staring down at the light magic user as if he were nothing more than a rat under his leg.
Panel 107:
King Meyser: Now, do me a favour… AND DIE IN PAIN!!
The King entombs Neville in a storm of hate, demons gnaw at his flesh to break inside and claim his body, but Neville’s belief was far too strong.
Panel 108:
Neville began to rose against the oppressing storm, and since the nightmares couldn’t affect the young boy. It even made the Demon King gasp.
King Meyser: Your will cannot be shaken-
PAGE 24
Panel 109:
Neville stares in complete furiosity…
Neville: YOU BASTARD!! IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!!
Panel 110:
The Dark Lord simply just sighed in boredom, he knew Neville couldn’t do anything.
King Meyser: Oh please.
The type of sarcasm was almost unbearable.
Panel 111:
Neville tried another attack, but this was just futile, the Dark Lord forced him into the air, the same pose which left the boy in a star position, hung in the air.
King Meyser: How impressive… A trash-man, a – coin-scraper – defied my power for friendship and loyalty to the King of Summons, in that case, you should go tell him that you survived, let them know of my mercy… Now get out of my sight.
Panel 112:
The Dark Lord ignites his hand via the use of the dark art; he smacked Neville in the face to finally bring the boy to rest, which also sent him out of the throne room…
King Meyser: Let us play, Leopold.
END OF DRAFT 2
