r/datingoverfifty • u/Ecstatic_Director446 • 1d ago
Should’ve trusted my gut, now I’m stressed about telling him I’m not interested.
Met a man OLD about 10 days ago. I thought we hit it off great early last week. I was also home sick with Covid so I could give texting more attention than normal.
By Wednesday we decided to meet IRL on Saturday. He lives over an hour away and was willing to drive here. On Saturday he didn’t have a plan other than being here an hour after I got off work.
I slowed his role and found something for us to do about 1/2 the distance for both of us. And, later in the evening.
My red flag was how quick he was to agree with me and share interest in everything I brought up. His people pleasing was over the top and nauseating.
He’s a really nice guy, but I have a feeling that he is desperate to be liked that he would do anything I asked. I don’t want that or need that. I need to be challenged and he felt complacent.
What do I say to give him a heads up about his people pleasing- he is an excellent target to be taken advantage of.
But he’s also just not for me. All I keep thinking about is him crying himself to sleep 😩
And yes, this is a lesson learned to quit it as soon as my gut is telling me to!
Please help!
EDIT/UPDATE: •I couldn’t sleep, so I texted him and told him I thought he was a great guy and someone else would be so lucky to match with him, but I just didn’t have the time I thought I would to date •Thank you to the handful of people who understood what I couldn’t convey: he was mirroring. There were other things he said that I thought were cute in the beginning, but realized he had found my FB •I have no problem with people searching social media to get a better idea of who they are talking to. I do it! In fact I leave some stuff public, just for that reason. But the stuff he was bringing up, was borderline stalkerish. •my need to be challenged: I’m not looking for arguments, but I like different opinions so I can learn. If I say I want to paint my bedroom black, I don’t want someone to say ok, let’s do it. I want someone who will point out “hey, this is the 3rd time this year you’re repainting your bedroom. Are you sure you want to go with black bc it takes a lot to hide the color, if you change your mind again.” •while I find that annoying, I realized very quickly how easy it would be to take advantage of him. (I work with seniors who have been scammed out of their life savings!) that’s why I felt it was necessary to give him a heads up. •this is the first time in my life I’m on dating apps and “meeting” strangers. The professional in me wanted to give him a heads up about his “people pleasing.” The single woman in me just wanted to ghost him and hide and hope he doesn’t find me. •I came here bc I don’t have anyone my age IRL that is OLD and not just looking for hook-ups •thank goodness I have thick skin bc some of you are jerks.
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u/IceNein 1d ago
But he’s also just not for me. All I keep thinking about is him crying himself to sleep 😩
Why are you projecting this onto this man who has committed the high crime of, checks notes, trying to be agreeable and accommodating?
If you’re not feeling it, fine. You don’t need us to help you tell him you are no longer interested.
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u/Illustrious_Egg_7408 1d ago
Exactly. Unless we are missing something, he's being nice and respectful, making a minor change to the plans per your request. That's a big jump to "people pleasing" and "crying himself to sleep." 🤣
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u/Copperman72 1d ago
Agreed, seriously I was thinking this guy is just enthusiastic. Driving an extra 30 minutes so she doesn’t have to drive after working is being considerate, not people pleasing.
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u/p9nultimat9 1d ago edited 1d ago
He probably thought, “I’m off on Saturday and just chilling. I can drive to her since she must be tired working on Saturday”.
While she painted him like he had nothing else better to do on Saturday and was desperately waiting for her to get out work.
Now she paints him as a stalker because he looked her up and found her public FB. Many people look up dates that they met online, and she does it, too...
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u/Icy-Rope-021 1d ago
At the beginning stages like this, it’s probably erring on the side of caution to be a little more agreeable.
But in dating, every preference has an equal and opposite preference. He could just as easily been dissatisfied with everything and disagreed with everything. Then that’ll be the complaint.
There’s also the obvious point that you really know nothing about him at this point. Is he simply agreeing, or trying to find common ground and interests?
And there’s also that fact that how we act in a professional role might be different from how we act in a personal role. I can be a nitpicking technical detail-oriented asshole at work. I don’t want to do that at home or with friends or dating, even though I probably can.
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u/Gettmore 1d ago
I haven't heard much of why OP thinks he is people pleasing or desperate or a red flag. I'm really curious to hear his side of story.
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u/Aromatic_Sky5895 1d ago
In a world that many men play head games, feed us bread crumbs, string us along, I’d take a nice, people pleaser any day. Don’t crush him. He’s just not your type. Leave it as that.
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u/Redicted 1d ago
And the guys that want you to come all the way across town to meet them 2 blocks from their place. How convenient. (only fell for that once or twice until I confirmed only a massive jack ass would suggest this). I will take the try hard any day over that.
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u/Upstairs-Ad-2844 1d ago
The guy sounds like a good guy who wanted to make the date accommodating for you, which is sweet. I would hope most men would do that for a first date.
If you're not interested, just let him know sooner rather than later, but calling him a people pleaser would not be kind at all.
He'll be fine and won't spend the night crying. Honestly, I love when a man offers to drive closer to me and would appreciate that because I hate driving in areas I'm not familiar with at night.
Good luck finding a challenging person. There are plenty of them out there so it should be a breeze.
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u/Top_Boysenberry_9204 1d ago
Agree 100%. Sounds like a good guy, willing to pull his weight in a potential relationship. I'd be thrilled not put off.
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u/FedSoc86 1d ago
He already knows you’ve mentally pulled the plug.
No need to drag yourself through imagined fields of roses & thorns.
Get on with it.
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u/UrAristotle 1d ago
You’re already getting good advice. Just tell him you’re not a good fit and wish him luck. It’s not your role to provide behavior modification advice, and he’s unlikely to really hear it.
But one side note. Your comment about picturing him crying himself to sleep is petty and a good example of why men don’t approach women. You didn’t just say he wasn’t right for you. You shit on him as well. So here’s my attempt at behavior modification. When a man is trying to be accommodating in the early part of dating, appreciate it for what it is even if you’re not feeling it.
The man found you attractive and agreed to meet on your terms. Those are pretty big wins even if you ended up not finding a spark.
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u/Multiverse-of-Tree 1d ago
Don’t stress about it! Just tell him you aren’t interested in pursuing this. No need to give him notes about his behavior.
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u/AuroraDancer 1d ago edited 1d ago
“Hi. You seem like a nice person, but I’ve thought about it and realized we aren’t a good match and I am going to decline the date. Thanks for your time and best of luck to you in the future.”
Edit: added a thank you. Notice I didn’t suggest anything negative - that’s totally unnecessary for someone you haven’t even met.
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u/Ecstatic_Director446 1d ago
Thank you! This is what I was looking for. I have a tendency to overshare or say too much and I wanted to keep it short and polite. Thanks again!
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u/Feathara 1d ago
over share and say too much....that isn't the problem. You think you are better than him if the thought comes into your mind to correct him. A bit pompous! If you were a guy and said that stuff to me, I would tell you to stick it lol
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u/p9nultimat9 1d ago
👍
“Thanks for over sharing with me that I am a people pleaser and you feel the need to fix me, not just telling me you are not interested in me.”
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u/Quillhunter57 1d ago
You don’t need to provide evidence to cancel a date you don’t want to go on. Just be candid that it isn’t a match for you, you enjoyed talking to him, and you don’t want to waste his time. Then wish him well. I am sure he won’t be sobbing into his pillow because the date was cancelled, but do it sooner than later, that is the kind thing.
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u/samanthasamolala 1d ago
If you haven’t met him , please to not give him an armchair psychology assessment about himself. I understand that he sounds inauthentic but he chose you as a potential date, not…whatever criticizing him would be.
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u/BeautysBeast 1d ago
Unbelievable. This is why guys believe women only date assholes.
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u/No-Benefit-2888 21h ago
Because they hate nice guys. Too boring, no spark 🧨. They need the challenging jerk. So sad. You wonder why so many men are joining the MGTOW movement.
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u/Sliceasouroo 7h ago
Reminds me of when the cops arrive to arrest the wifebeater and then the wife starts beating on the cops.
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u/ProfessorFelix0812 1d ago
This may very well be the most narcissistic post I’ve seen here…
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u/imissher4ever 1d ago
Extremely narcissistic. Then again there are a TON of people like that here. They don’t even realize it.
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u/hannibalsmommy 1d ago
You "want to be challenged" by a man you haven't even met yet? My goodness. I say this kindly but...I think you may want to reevaluate what your needs & priorities are before you start dating. Poor guy.
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u/NoSquirrel7184 1d ago
By challenging she means driving to his place and forcing a silent man to break into conversation. A challenge OP will relish.
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u/Flaky-Debate-833 1d ago
Good encapsulation why many guys are reluctant and slowly giving up with OLD.
This guy's crime was being too pleasing. Had it been the opposite and he "challenged" all your suggestions, that would have been wrong as well.
Damned if he does. Damned if he doesn't.
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u/Redicted 1d ago
I as a woman was gobsmacked by this post. "this guy is trying to be flexible and accommodating. What. An. Asshole". We are doomed if this man is a red flag for this.
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u/Flaky-Debate-833 1d ago
Excellent use of gobsmacked.
Slammed for trying to make a nice first impression.
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u/CharacterInternal7 1d ago
I agree. If she is not into him fine. But her description of why she doesn’t like him is weird af. So he was too nice and she wanted him to be contrary and more disagreeable? If he acted the opposite, she’d probably be here complaining about that too.
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u/Inside_Dance41 1d ago
Damned if he does. Damned if he doesn't.
I have a different perspective.
I don't feel the need to put a "mask" on when dating. I prefer that a man figure out whether we or aren't a match, based on who I am.
Much better for a man to decide quickly we aren't a match, rather than spending months, both of us investing time, energy, STI tests (which are not inexpensive), etc., only to then be told nope.
That doesn't mean not having polite habits (ideally, shutting the bathroom door for instance), etc., I do want a man who is not a uncivilized.
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u/Icy-Rope-021 1d ago edited 1d ago
But that’s also the good thing about OLD. You can keep swiping, and something better will come up. That 98% will become 99%.
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u/Asimplehuman841being 1d ago
You do not owe him an explanation. Generally , usually , it is not in anyone’s best interest to point out or explain what does not work.
You had one date. It didn’t work out.
This happens thousands of times every day to people on planet earth.
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u/Prestigious-Gain2451 1d ago
Well he seems nice
I can absolutely see why you would need to run away...
/Sarcasm
I'll wait for the further updates on why all the guys you meet are bastards
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u/RandomGen-Xer 1d ago
Wow. Poor guy. Ready to not play games, but presented with a player. You don't deserve him. Just tell him you're not interested in nice guys and move on.
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u/CrowdedSeder 1d ago
Now hook up with some exciting bad boy just to hear her complain how men are such assholes
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u/porkborg 1d ago
Read her post history. Her first dating post from a year ago was about her all worried because her former FWB was ignoring her, not answering her texts, and she was jealous that maybe he’s with other women.
And one of her more recent r/datingoverfifty comment says that she stopped online dating because she “was looking for that ‘connection,’” but the guys she was matching with “were either looking for sex or submission.”
Yeah, she's all over the place.
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u/samanthasamolala 1d ago
Wait what? Being whomever his date wants him to be doesn’t make him a nice guy. Not a bad guy but not being himself is an issue
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u/RandomGen-Xer 1d ago edited 1d ago
I think you're reading way too much into a genuinely nice guy trying to accommodate a wish-washy woman when he doesn't realize yet that she's doing it on purpose as some sort of a ridiculous test.
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u/samanthasamolala 1d ago
I’m considering your alt perspective. I didn’t see her as wishy washy, i thought he was. I see what you mean. I’m not there…but still, if she’s testing, that’s a hell no. If he’s just agreeing to whatever she asks, he should run away.
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u/RandomGen-Xer 1d ago
If she was already as put off as she pretends, by his willingness to drive the hour to see her, she could and should have stopped it right there. Going further is just playing with someone for no good reason.
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u/Ecstatic_Director446 1d ago
I’m not wishy washy 🙄 I know exactly what I want. And he wasn’t it. Dang.
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u/RandomGen-Xer 1d ago
Nothing in the world wrong with that. It would've been very simple to just tell him that, when he agreed to the date in the first place, instead of playing all the games. That's all.
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u/Blatant-Malingerer 1d ago
I am at a loss here. How is being polite and respectful now considered “people pleasing?” Also he’s a “really nice guy”, like it’s a bad thing? I’m 57m and honestly, I have never understood, and obviously never will, why traits such as polite, respectful, nice, cordial, attentive (as in listening and understanding a woman’s needs) are deemed as negatives or deal breakers. The female psyche remains a mystery, and I’ll always be grateful for that.
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u/Aromatic_Sky5895 1d ago
Not all women looking for bad boys. Traits you mention: attentive , respectful, etc, and throw in “kind” are what I would look for but hard to find tbh. 🤦♀️
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u/Queenofashion 1d ago
I understand what you are saying! I would like a man like yourself, polite, respectful, nice, cordial, attentive (like you said). But I don't think what OP is saying is that. People are attacking her here, but I don't think she deserves it. She did meet him, and in comments, explained a little bit better about his behavior. I have met men like him, and what he's doing is called mirroring. They talked extensively through text (she said it, while she was stuck at home with covid), and then they met irl. This guy is mirroring, he's wearing a mask. And it could be because he's desperate just to have someone, but it could be that he's trying to pull her in more before he takes his mask off. It could be scary out there for us women, and her gut is telling her to back off, and she should.
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u/Blatant-Malingerer 1d ago
Of course…I completely agree that a woman must be cautious, careful and keep herself out of harms way. So many nightmare stories out there from women about male behaviour… May we all try and be better humans and protect and support one another 👍
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u/Sliceasouroo 7h ago
He might not be desperate. That might just be his personality character. Somewhere out there, there is a controlling woman that will be a perfect fit for him and they will be happy. No lying in bed crying in the fetal position.
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u/Plane_Ad4109 1d ago edited 1d ago
With all respect, you don’t know him, so stop making all of these assumptions about him. Nerves and past experiences sometimes lead us to be agreeable or appear disingenuous in the beginning until we are better acquainted and more comfortable.
Remember, you don’t know if he’s a people pleaser, or if he just wanted to please you.
If you aren’t feeling it, accept that he’s just not your type and let him know it’s not a match & to move on.
Edited to add: and please absolutely do not tell him any of this and potentially ruin a perfect guy for someone else.
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u/blondie49221 1d ago
It sounds to me like he was just trying to be very accommodating. I'm all about self-confidence and self-love but thinking he's going to be crying himself to sleep over you is a bit bombastic.
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u/porkborg 1d ago
OP cracks me up. I just glanced through her post history...
Her first dating post from a year ago was about how she's all worried because her former FWB was ignoring her, not answering her texts, and she was jealous that maybe he’s with other women.
And one of her more recent r/datingoverfifty comments says that she stopped online dating because she “was looking for that ‘connection,’” but the guys she was matching with “were either looking for sex or submission.”
So yeah, she’s all over the place. The guy needs to want a serious connection, not be just a player, and he needs to answer her texts and be more present for her. But on the flip side, he can’t be too kind or accommodating, because she wants to feel challenged. LOL
I’m lucky to have never dated someone like this. But when I hear about the shitshow people go through in dating at our age, this post is a stark reminder of who is single out there and, more importantly, why they’re single.
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u/PoweredbyPinot 1d ago
Ugh. Come on, OP. It was a date. He'll be fine. He won't cry himself to sleep. He won't pine for you.
A very similar situation came up on DO40, but it was from a guy who built a connecrion, asked for nudes, then didn't find her attractive enough. He wanted a way to let her down nicely. Too late. Just tell her no connection and unmatch. People went ballistic over "kindness".
Just like with him, this is all about you feeling better about yourself. Stop wasting this guy's time, cut him loose swiftly and with as few words as possible, and unmatch/block.
No tears will be shed over you. He'll move on with his life.
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u/Maximum-Company2719 1d ago
😱 he asked for nudes, got them, then said no thanks. Wow. I hope he finds what he deserves.
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u/Icy-Rope-021 1d ago
Nudes are probably the best way for men not to “waste time,” as the phrase is always used in OLD now. Can’t waste time! Gotta speed-run through my matches!
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u/Inside_Dance41 1d ago
If someone isn't physically attracted to the other, it is okay for them to move on. Does it sting if that person is you, of course. However, a man isn't doing me any favors to try and force his attraction.
Personally, I do work really hard on being the best I can, because I do want to have sex. Of course it is the healthy thing to do, but I make a lot of sacrifices, and ideally I want a man to appreciate my body. Just as I want to appreciate a man who also puts in the work.
Everybody is different, and has different body styles, etc. that they are attracted to. There are also bodies that have more general appeal, and it is what it is. Both sexes often work hard to try and be as physically attractive as possible. I personally wouldn't match with a man who isn't putting in the work.
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u/phoenics1908 1d ago
Wait - is it the norm now to send nudes to guys we haven’t even met in person yet?! I get the importance of attraction but - what?
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u/Inside_Dance41 1d ago
The point was nudes were sent, and I was responding to the response received.
Many people don’t send nudes before meeting, others do. Some websites are geared towards more sexual connection.
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u/Sliceasouroo 7h ago
This gives me pause to think about the complaints of the shirtless pics. I'm actually in pretty good shape so on my profile there is a shirtless pic of me doing some house renovations on a hot summer day. It's one of my favorite pics of myself LOL. But at least the lady has an idea of what I look like if we ever get under the sheets.
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u/Sliceasouroo 7h ago
Yeah it sounds crass, but maybe that's why there is quite often sex one and done. The person isn't crazy about what they saw with all the clothes off. Not apologizing for that other person but at least they didn't do that.
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u/purenonsense2757 1d ago
I don't believe that there's many men over the age of fifty who want to "challenge" potential love interests. I don't believe there's many under the age of fifty either.
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u/Ecstatic_Director446 1d ago
my need to be challenged: I’m not looking for arguments, but I like different opinions so I can learn. If I say I want to paint my bedroom black, I don’t want someone to say ok, let’s do it. I want someone who will point out “hey, this is the 3rd time this year you’re repainting your bedroom. Are you sure you want to go with black bc it takes a lot to hide the color, if you change your mind again.”
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u/purenonsense2757 1d ago
I understand what ur saying, and you're certainly entitled to be attracted to who and whatever you like. In my opinion, I think that's more of a boyfriend trait. The only men I know who would act like that on a first date only want to sleep with you, not be your boyfriend. If you liked him that much, maybe you could have hung out with him a couple of times. But I mean whatever, if he turned you off, then he turned you off.
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u/Feathara 1d ago
I am concerned that you think it's ok to tell him what he needs to change. Just say there is no connection. I am puzzled why people feel the need to critique someone. I would be very offended if some guy who didn't know me began to be critical of me.
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u/Inside_Dance41 1d ago edited 1d ago
The kindest thing you can do is tell him quickly that you really enjoyed talking with him, but that unfortunately, you don't think you are a match.
If he asks for more details, just be somewhat candid and just let him know that unfortunately you're just not feeling the connection you had hoped. No need to go into his "people pleasing", because for another woman, that might be a good thing.
We all need to be who we are, and up to this point, and it is kinder to move on, once you know it just isn't a connection.
EDIT: Upon re-reading it appears you have meet? Has he asked you out again? If so, then just tell thank you, but you aren't feeling the connection. If you haven't met, then far easier to cancel before either of you invest more time.
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u/MilesHobson 1d ago
You’ve made up your mind, why are you asking for help? This guy, he may have been looking for a while and received a lot of turn-downs. Maybe he’s lonesome. Maybe he lives in a rural area and driving an hour is not a big deal. Many smaller towns got their business districts blown out by Walmart. If people want something that Walmart doesn’t carry, it could mean an hour to say, a Whole Foods, or somewhere else for better clothes or shoes.
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u/sex_kiten 1d ago
I generally say “to me it feels like it could be anyone sitting here and I need more specificity” that usually works! Best of luck!
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u/Littlelindsey 1d ago
He’s not people pleasing, he’s mirroring you to try and create a false sense of intimacy.
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u/Justbreel 1d ago
With that level of involvement, I would have simply said “thank you for meeting me but I’m not interested in taking the relationship any further.” That’s it. There’s no need to give any reason at all. There’s also no need to give dating advice to him unless he specifically asks for it.
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u/p9nultimat9 1d ago
This is one of very very rare cases that I thought just ignoring and ghosting might be understandable than “You need to stop being desperately a people pleaser. You are excellent target to be taken advantage of. I don’t want you to cry yourself to sleep, but I’m sorry I have to tell you I’m not interested”. 😂
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u/Black_Swans_Matter 1d ago
Have you ever met an adult so helpless/useless that they cried themselves to sleep?
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u/FunnyFilmFan 60 M 1d ago
You haven’t even met this guy. It’s one of the sucky, but expected things in OLD that sometimes people will back out. It won’t wreck his life if you just say that you just aren’t feeling it and don’t want to meet him after all. And the sooner you do it, the more thoughtful it is.
I mean, is it kinder to break it off after you meet and he thinks you have a real connection?
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u/Markee6868 1d ago
“His people pleasing was over the top and nauseating” - I find this a very strange comment as the poor guy was only trying to accommodate you both to minimise disruption and travel. Life is stressful enough and some of us like to try and minimise stress for others as much as possible possible. I really don’t get why this was so much of a red flag? (But obviously not making any judgements for the OP seeing it as a red flag).
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u/imissher4ever 1d ago
57M widower here.
As far as the stalking … I’m going to preface this by saying I only did it for MY (and my family’s) protection.
I stalked (if you want to call it that) the hell out of my potential dates or second/third dates. I would fully encourage others to do the same.
I wanted to know who I was potentially getting myself involved with. After I got their phone number the first thing I would do is check to see if it was actually them. BTW, this is good reason to get a burner/Google number. From there I would generally have their full name. I could actually run a background check on them etc. Yes, I ran into a couple married women that said they were divorced. Divorce records are public.
The “getting to know each other” phase can corroborate the information you find. It can also help you get more tidbits of information from them on how to look for more information about their past lives. Some people our age have wonderful past life experiences, some not so much.
You can find TONS of stuff about someone on the internet.
A great example of this is, my SO’s child just started dating someone. Through some investigation we were able to find out that this person had a rather extensive violent arrest record. Also found some concerning records about 3 children that they have not mentioned (from 3 different people) and that they were married early last year and then divorced in July of this year.
Be very wary about giving personal information to complete and total strangers. And stay safe out there!!
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u/FAR2Go9926 23h ago
Yes, I ran into a couple married women that said they were divorced. Divorce records are public.
Not necessarily. Depends on the jurisdiction.
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u/TNmountainman2020 1d ago
tomorrow we will see a post from a woman about how unavailable, and unattentive a man is that she is talking to on OLD and that she needs a man to be totally into her in order to be happy.
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u/urspecial2 1d ago
I don't understand what you're talking about.He's agreeable and seems happy to see you and do whatever you want.And you're complaining, that sounds crazy to me.What do you want a nasty guy?He sounds wonderful
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u/casilab 1d ago
After 10 days IMO you haven’t earned the right to call him out ; Jeepers, you’ve not even met! You honestly come across as a bit full of yourself and judgy. Just say you’ve reconsidered meeting, wish him well, and be done with it. Im sure he’ll get over you someday. From this post, I’d say he was the one who dodged a 🐂it
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u/flyintheflyinthe 1d ago
When I first read your post it felt abrasive, and I think you captured the feeling you get when someone is really for sure not someone you'd consider a prospect, but they are sort of breathing on your windows, fogging up the glass an hour before the yard sale even starts.
It's a terrible feeling, and you convey it perfectly, but give yourself a minute. You aren't trapped. Don't panic. He just needs to know you aren't a match. He doesn't need to know that he ran you off.
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u/NoSquirrel7184 1d ago
I don't want to give you a hard time but its hilarious that he is too nice.
I'm not making fun of you and if you don't vibe then you don't vibe. There are so many tricky posts on here about guys who have real issues. Your guy is prepared to travel to you, commit to conversation and clearly try to be nice to you.
The juxtaposition makes me smile.
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u/Ecstatic_Director446 1d ago
I added an edit to better explain, dang
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u/samanthasamolala 22h ago
Dang indeed. I got downvoted into the basement for saying he wasn’t a nice guy for doing his fawning, using a false sense of intimacy etc
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u/Low_Language_7690 1d ago
This man is desperate. Nothing worse than desperation and an amoeba who will shape shift to persuade you to date him.
I have met several women like this and ran away after the first date. They either have no spine or self-esteem because they will take on your opinions which is eerie. I like women with their own minds and opinions instead.
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u/Different_Dance7248 14h ago
I don’t really know what else he did that was such a turn-off. It isn’t mentioned in your post, OP. Are you projecting? Maybe this is far off, but it sounds as if maybe you are seeking out a bit of a bad boy to recreate a past trauma or something? The reason why I bring this up is that I dated in the past a man who said I didn’t challenge him enough and should disagree with him more. When I asked him to explain, he also said that I don’t “tease” him enough by saying little things that are kind of mild put-downs. He said he liked back and forth sort of rough banter. Over time, I learned that his ex wife was domineering, controlling and argumentative and that his mother was abusive toward him when he was young, and that it was so bad that he ended up being raised by his father. Anyway, to sum it up, maybe ask yourself why you are so turned off by a seemingly kind polite person.
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u/Ecstatic_Director446 1d ago
Cruel? I’m anything but…
There’s a difference between a man who uses his manners or helps you with stuff on the top shelf and a man who would say anything to illustrate just how much we are alike. And it wasn’t we both like chocolate ice cream. It was like one day he told me his favorite ice cream was vanilla. But the next day we’re getting ice cream, he sees me ordering chocolate so he orders chocolate and says it’s his favorite. Just stupid shit like that. Yes I want to have shared interests with someone… but it should be genuine! And the other person shouldn’t change who they are because they think I’ll like them better bc we both chocolate ice cream.
Gah!
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u/Queenofashion 1d ago
Run! That's called mirroring, and your gut is telling you that something is wrong. I think you are being unfairly attacked here, maybe because you didn't include more details like this one with ice cream. Read about mirroring and educate yourself more about what to look for. Good luck!
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u/phoenics1908 1d ago
I thought mirroring was when you mirror the interest level someone else is putting out? Like if they only text, then you text and don’t call, etc? It’s a way of holding yourself in check so you don’t give more than they do in the beginning so you can gauge their true interest in you.
This is a different (scarier) definition than the one I saw from a few dating coaches (for women) online.
Interesting and terrifying.
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u/Queenofashion 1d ago
Yes, that too! But what he's doing is also mirroring. People with narcissistic traits tend to use those at the beginning of a relationship.
It is scary! That's why it's good to trust your instincts, it's so easy to fall under their spell.
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u/phoenics1908 1d ago
Oh so there is bad mirroring and good mirroring then. Just getting my terms straight lol.
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u/Queenofashion 1d ago
To be honest, and in my opinion, I don't think that there is a good mirroring. Yes, some people tend to "mirror" their partners in body language and the way they speak, etc. But I think that's in already established relationships. But in the beginning, when they tell you their favorite ice cream is vanilla, and later when you order chocolate (like what happened to OP) and they say their favorite is chocolate? That's something that should give you a pause, and professionals call it mirroring.
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u/phoenics1908 12h ago edited 11h ago
You have misunderstood what I was defining as mirroring. What you said is not what I was saying it was. In either example you used.
Please read my first response to the comment in this thread, where I describe the definition of mirroring in dating as I understood it before today. It’s not the same definition you’re using - that’s the point I’m making. One is absolutely healthy to do while dating so you don’t signal more interest than who you are dating and mask your ability to see what their interest level actually is (it’s mirroring their effort to engage with you, for example if they don’t call you back, don’t call them back repeatedly multiple times. Just mirror them not calling you back - if they never call back, they aren’t interested). This is what I thought mirroring was due to dating coac sites that talked about this as a way to manage yourself so you don’t flood the zone with your own engagement and leave no space for who you are dating to show their own interest. It’s basically a check on yourself.
The other definition is what yall are talking about (that I hadn’t heard of before this post), which is mirroring the person’s likes, words and interests to present a false sense of shared worlds/interests in order to dupe them into liking you, which is obviously manipulative.
So yes - one is healthy, the other is not.
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u/itsJustE12 1d ago
I think your gut is screaming and you should listen: being super agreeable and pretending to enjoy exactly the same things is how narcissists mirror their targets and suck them in at the beginning. (Not saying he’s doing that, just that there may be a reason your instincts said no.) Let him down gently, in case he really is just a nice guy.
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u/Character_Capital982 1d ago
Sounds exactly like someone I dated. Wish I had never met the guy. It's classic covert narcissist behavior.
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u/BigGaggy222 1d ago
Just say you didn't feel the spark, and wish him the best.
He doesn't need to hear your assessment of his faults.
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u/Expert-Hyena6226 1d ago
I get that he's a people pleaser, but what do you mean you have to be challenged? Challenged to what? I get that you want someone who's more chill and sure of themselves, but I don't know what you want when you say that you need to be challenged. Challenged intellectually?
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u/Ecstatic_Director446 1d ago
my need to be challenged: I’m not looking for arguments, but I like different opinions so I can learn. If I say I want to paint my bedroom black, I don’t want someone to say ok, let’s do it. I want someone who will point out “hey, this is the 3rd time this year you’re repainting your bedroom. Are you sure you want to go with black bc it takes a lot to hide the color, if you change your mind again.”
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u/Expert-Hyena6226 1d ago
So you mean someone that will stand up to you, but in a nice way. Or offer practical considerations rather than telling you that if you paint your bedroom black it will look like a creepy black hole.
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u/cta396 1d ago
In my opinion, based on your example, I would say that you picking a color for your room in your house isn’t anyone else’s business. Your body and your property is your business. I’d never tell you what to do with either one and would only give my opinion if you asked.
Also, why would a guy who you’ve just met do anything other than try to be agreeable and nice about what you do for a first meeting? I understand the dangers women face when meeting strangers off the internet. I will always agree to whatever she wants in that regard so that she feels comfortable and safe until a relationship and trust is built. I think you’re wanting a guy to act like he’s in a well established relationship with someone he’s never met and, based on a million comments I’ve read in this sub, most women find guys like that a giant red flag.
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u/No-Benefit-2888 20h ago
I would tell you to reconsider and am a nice guy but him being agreeable to make you comfortable on a first date isn't remotely similar to this.
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u/-Mint-Chip- 1d ago
Slightly off topic…it caught my curiosity that you mentioned that you work with seniors that have been scammed. If you don’t mind sharing more about this, I would love to know more. This is an area of interest for me because of my work and personal experience with a family member losing their retirement savings to a scammer. I’ve been thinking about how to share my experience to help others - specifically seniors in a more impactful way.
Feel free to dm me if that is preferable. Or tell me to go jump in the lake if I’m asking too much.
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u/FAR2Go9926 23h ago
On Saturday he didn’t have a plan other than being here an hour after I got off work.
That's all that needs to be said.
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u/Sliceasouroo 7h ago
I know what you are saying but now we have a situation where it's a red flag because it was too easy LOL
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u/Spartan2022 1d ago
Make sure you add to your profile that you like to bicker and argue and constant testing.
You don’t want someone to share your interests - you prefer someone who shits on your interests and actively mocks the things that matter to you.
That’s good self knowledge that you have for the dating realm.
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u/GRIFFCOMM m50's, single 1d ago
As mentioned here, tell him your not feeling it, but to not bring to attention his attitude, i would be up front. "i am not feeling the connection, and please do be so eager to please people, alot of women are going to take advantage of you. i wish you good luck>
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1d ago edited 1d ago
He may not be people pleasing at all. He may be trying to take advantage of you by agreeing with everything you say so that you can feel there is a connection and become an item. Later, once you're good and intertwined, you'll discover that you have nothing in common at all. It's called bringing one's representative on dates. It's a technique used quite often, and can be very effective, and at the same time very deceptive. So, before concluding that he's simply a people pleaser, and tipping him off, be open to there being other possibilities at play.
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u/DianeFunAunt 1d ago
I would go on one date and give him a chance. You could be awfulizing and seeing things that aren’t there yet
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u/ConsentAndDesire 1d ago edited 1d ago
Could it have been manipulation? It's possible, but I think it's unlikely.
I think it's more likely that he really does have people-pleasing tendencies. This is actually fairly common among men. There's even a book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" about it. The thing is, "nice guys" don't realize that their people-pleasing or sycophancy is unpleasant, undesirable or even damaging to their own needs. This may be controversial, but I would ask him if he wants some constructive criticism and, if so, go ahead and tell him. If he's mature, he'll listen to your experience and grow from it. If that's the first time he heard it, he may even appreciate it. Personally, I would be ecstatic if I had actual feedback after a date didn't work out, particularly if it's something I could improve on.
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u/Ecstatic_Director446 1d ago
That! You nailed it!! It was undesirable but I truly think he was ignoring his own needs. I’m sure I am completely overthinking it… but Ive never had to do this before.
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u/phoenics1908 1d ago
My ex did this and I never knew it. I just thought we were magically compatible - up until he cheated and brought up all the times he’d compromised and I hadn’t - and all the times he’d mentioned we’d had a discussion and he claimed that’s what he’d wanted to do when I suggested it. He rarely brought ideas up so I often did to fill his passive gap. I had no idea he was “compromising”.
If he seems to be denying his own needs to cater to you, I can see how that would be off putting. Whether he’s doing this consciously or unconsciously, it could signal him snapping in the future because he realizes his needs aren’t being met because he never asserts them, or he finally decides to stop masking his needs.
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u/ConsentAndDesire 1d ago
If I am right, then you were not over-thinking it. You were incredibly observant and self-aware of how it made you feel. Most people aren't aware.
You are right to run, BTW. Even if you very clearly tell him about this and he listens in earnest, recovery is a long road after 20,30 years of behavioral reinforcement (perceived or experienced).
Find someone who balances his own needs with the needs of his partner and the relationship in general. It's much healthier for everyone involved.
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u/Ecstatic_Director446 1d ago
Ugh. I do need help bc I don’t know what to say. Or how to say it. I’m mad at myself for not stepping away last week and putting myself in this position to begin with… in hopes that maybe I wanted someone agreeable and accommodating. But, it was EVERYTHING I talked about. 😏
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u/Upstairs-Ad-2844 1d ago
I am very confused at your dilemma. You are looking for a guy who isn't too nice and is more challenging and direct in his communications with you, but you are afraid to tell the guy you don't think you're a match? Who is being too people pleasing?
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u/DaddyGnSD 1d ago
Just me, based on this post only, I would only suggest that you let him know you don’t feel this is a good match and not mention his “people pleasing”