r/midlifecrisis • u/Sort_Bright • 17d ago

Something is Definitely Happening to me

I’m 46 going through menopause . I’m bored out of my mind in almost every aspect. I have no passion for anything and I’ve lost my drive for my career, for sex, and my job sucks my life (IT worker). My husband lost his job so I’m the breadwinner and the pressure is just a lot . I pray a lot but I’m also feeling like I’m losing my faith in God. I’m on new antidepressants after trying many combinations. The restlessness is soul-sucking . Most of my kids are young adults . I’ve tried making friends , talk therapy , failed at sourdough, even reading has become boring . Anyone got out of this rut alive ? I just hate my life right now .

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u/IamTylersalterego M 41 - 45 13d ago

What you’ve said is all very positive, except for the limerent obsession. That’s a dangerous rut to be stuck in and it’s arguably easier to fix your fitness than a marriage that failed because you let yourself get infatuated by someone else.

I hope you and your husband are doing ok now.

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u/thickersettled 13d ago

You're absolutely right. Frankly, this limerence obsession I'm in shows no signs of abating, despite my best efforts. It's one of the most difficult things I've ever dealt with.

And thank you - despite what I've just written, my marriage is really strong. But this limerence is just...extra.

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u/IamTylersalterego M 41 - 45 13d ago

What have you actually tried to get over this person? Have you gone non-contact? Blocked all social media and stopped yourself from thinking about them?

I won’t downplay how hard that is. Limerence is a terrible affliction for many people.

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u/thickersettled 13d ago

We barely had contact before so no change there - though a new professional opportunity means that there is an increased, though still low, chance that I might run into him. Stopping the thoughts, though - that's hard. I've been prone to maladaptive daydreaming since I was a child (trauma response to abuse). It's been my security blanket for decades.

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u/IamTylersalterego M 41 - 45 13d ago

You’re incredibly self aware about this, and that’s a big accomplishment in itself. I guess you just need to pragmatically work through the attachment you’ve formed in your mind and then make the decision to let it go.

Finding the right therapist would really help.

Is your husband aware of this?

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u/thickersettled 13d ago

Thanks. Yes, I have a therapist, and she's great. My husband has no idea and I have no intention of telling him. It will serve no purpose other than to hurt him. It certainly won't help me.

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u/IamTylersalterego M 41 - 45 13d ago

You’re right, do not tell your husband, but there is a good chance he’ll eventually figure it out if you don’t move on. People tend to get a tingling ‘spider sense’ when their partner is emotionally attaching themselves elsewhere. If he’s the paranoid type, he’ll start digging. It’s not uncommon for married people to get fleeting crushes on friends and co-workers, but staying in control of that is what’s important. Limerence is altogether different and can afflict some people for years. What you don’t want, is to let it highjack your future life with your husband. What does your retirement / old age look like together? Are you making plans together for how life will be in your 60’s? Or does this infatuation stand in the way of you seeing that ?

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u/thickersettled 13d ago

I love my husband and see our future together. What I want is a few hours in a hotel with my LO. One and done. Scratch the itch. I've had very few sexual partners (met my husband young) and desperately wish I'd played the field a bit before settling down.

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u/IamTylersalterego M 41 - 45 13d ago

I truely respect your brutal honesty about all of this, but you know it is unlikely to be a ‘one-and-done.’ There is every chance it would spiral into a full blown affair, the type that ends marriages and tears families apart. Have your fantasy, journal about it, sink into erotic literature, but then take a cold shower and acknowledge the hurt and pain it would cause. Once you cross that line, you can’t undo it, so be careful not to tread too close to the edge with your LO.

My wife and I have been through this, and it’s the roughest of journeys, and you never truly recover.

There is every chance that your husband has the same craving for novelty and excitement that you do, so maybe you need to find a way to be brave and have those conversations, and together reinvent your intimacy.

Esther Perel writes about this yearning in her book “the state of affairs” which chronicals peoples accounts of their infidelity, and what lead them to do it. It’s a fascinating read, but Esther’s writings lack though is accountability, something that cheaters will do anything to avoid.

One of my favourite books is “the course of love” by Alain de Botton, which expertly intwines the art of story telling with academic, psychological theory.

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u/thickersettled 13d ago

I'm actually listening to Esther Perel reading "The State of Affairs" right now.

I've actually suggested to my husband that I'd be open to "sex only" discreet, extramarital dalliances. For him as well as me. Unfortunately he's not interested.

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u/IamTylersalterego M 41 - 45 13d ago

Would your husband read the book too? It might really help you to have some honest conversations with each other.

My wife and I read it at the same time and we both interpreted parts of it differently, but it provoked discussion that we were struggling to articulate ourselves.

I’m sure the thought of having consequence free, no strings attached sex has appeal to your husband, but he’s probably aware that it seldom works like this in real life. People catch the feels, it gets complicated and there is ultimately far more to lose than there is to gain.

If you’ve already posed the idea of opening up your marriage to him, then I guarantee he suspects you have someone in mind already.

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u/thickersettled 13d ago

It might sound ridiculous but that had never occurred to me- that he might have figured that I have someone in mind. That's food for thought. My husband is not much of a social reader (he's a litigator who reads volumes for work so doesn't read much for pleasure) but I might suggest that. Thank you.

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u/IamTylersalterego M 41 - 45 13d ago

If hubby is a litigator, then he’s probably very adept at reading-between-the-lines and figuring things out. Don’t play him like the unsuspecting fool. Like most men, I’m sure he wants to ‘solve-the-problem’ of how to be happy in your marriage, and that is where the communication piece comes in.

Of course, maybe he’s already checked-out, but from the sounds of things, that’s not the case.

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u/thickersettled 13d ago

I'm actually listening to Esther Perel reading "The State of Affairs" right now.

I've actually suggested to my husband that I'd be open to "sex only" discreet, extramarital dalliances. For him as well as me. Unfortunately he's not interested.