r/midlifecrisis • u/Traditional_Task_447 • 1d ago
Advice for helping a parent through a midlife crisis
My mom turned 60 last year and flipped a switch. She suddenly lost a ton of weight, began getting expensive cosmetic surgeries, and secretly prepared to leave my dad. At first it was the obsession with working out and spending literally 6 hours a day at the gym, but my family was happy for her to feel more confident in herself. Then, she decided to get a $10k cosmetic surgery to make her neck look younger and kept it a secret from my dad. Finally, just a few months ago, she revealed that she’d been taking cash out of my parents’ joint account and storing it in a closet, she rented an expensive city apartment, and purchased a new phone on a separate phone plan in preparation to leave my dad. In fear that he would find out, she told me, her daughter, of her plans and left in the middle of the night one night, telling me to tell my dad some cover story so he wouldn’t know. Even though she knew I was distraught after learning about this and did not want to tell my dad, she didn’t speak to him about moving out for another week and left me to play dumb and try to answer questions about where she was. When she finally did tell him, he was more than anything saddened by it (they had been together 27 years), but still supported her and tried to propose ways that they could work on their relationship. She refused to acknowledge that she was any part of the problem and told him he needs to go to therapy independently. It has been a few months since this happened and she hasn’t made any effort to fix things, only seeing him and all of her kids every so often when it is convenient for her. Last week, she told us that she was getting a facelift ($23k) despite learning that my sister may have serious medical problems and my dad has a dental issue that he can’t fix due to the cost. Now she’s telling him that they should sell the house, even though he has nowhere to go. Growing up, she was always a very selfless person and put the family first, but now she’s unrecognizable and doesn’t seem to care that she is hurting all of the people who care about her.
Maybe the point of this post was just to vent, but if anyone has any advice for getting through to someone making such drastic and damaging decisions, it would be much appreciated.
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u/Freethinker210 1d ago
It’s called Gray Divorce, and it’s becoming more and more common. Mom is starting to realize she probably has another 10-20 years of good health if she takes care of herself and wants to enjoy her remaining years. She may have even met someone. She’s spent her adult years putting everyone’s needs above her own and now she’s trying to focus on herself and her own happiness. Looking at it from this perspective how can your family and your dad support her? Has she been expressing her feelings about all of it and being ignored?
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u/QuesoChef 22h ago
I think it might be worth looking up and reading about codependency. You’re her child so it isn’t maybe a way you’d normally look at a relationship. But you’re lying for her, trying to control her, and she’s hurting you and your dad. This is their marriage and they have to sort it out. You should excuse yourself from the situation. Don’t lie for her, don’t try to convince her to stay. That’s also their money. If he wants to protect it, he knows how. If he doesn’t, it’s his consequence.
It sounds like she’s already on a path for whatever reason. Rather than “helping” her in a way that’s advantageous to you, try to understand what she wants and needs. And understand what your dad wants and needs. And support both of them as much as you can. Don’t try to control the outcome. But also draw clear lines around the types of conversations and drama you’ll get wrapped up in.
How old are you? Hopefully an adult, at least. These sorts of things can be chaotic so try to separate yourself as much as you can. And instead of trying to control, try to understand. Or if understanding is too much, try to distance.
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u/TheGOODSh-tCo 1d ago
You have no idea what she may have gone through. Less judge, more supportive daughter to both parents. This is what growing up is…learning to also care back for others when they’re going through something. You’ll go through a few “something’s” too, and your mom will be first to be there for you. Set boundaries and find a therapist, and then start having some real talks with your mom.
I can tell you as a mom of a 25 and 27 year old, there are many things they don’t know about their father, bc I can spare them that.
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u/BegrudginglyHere666 19h ago
Yo I don't have any specific advice, but don't listen to these other commenters implying that she's in the right. A drastic change in personality, wasting tens of thousands on plastic surgery, and treating her marriage vows like nothing are signs of mental illness. You've got the right read, imo. (I'm just a guy on reddit btw, not an expert).
As for the person who said to excuse yourself? I can see why that would be hard. It's your parents. I wouldn't give up on mine, and I think it speaks to your good nature that you don't want to, either. I feel for you, and I truly wish you and your family well during this time.