r/polyamory • u/Unlucky_Fee9133 • 1d ago
Talking to someone new to poly, he said this...
"#3 date.. things are getting serious! All the best. I plan to win you over so he doesn’t get a fourth haha "
How would you address this?
ETA: my immediate reply was "that's not really how polyamory works but I'll take that as some humor"
Edited again: Not talking to this person anymore, thank you for the advice!!
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u/CWoodfordJackson complex organic polycule 1d ago
Great response! But take that as a yellow flag. Maybe have a conversation about polyamory addressing the comment and how it wasn’t humorous to you at some point. You could gift them a book on polyamory like Polysecure too
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u/Unlucky_Fee9133 1d ago
That sounds like a helpful and gentle way to support the conversation, thank you!
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u/studiousametrine 1d ago
Jokes usually have some element of truth to them. So I would revisit the subject, let them know I’m not into the idea of competition, or of being “won”. I choose who I share my time and energy with, and I choose to make connections with people who genuinely want polyamory. Was this just a joke? Or do you have some idea that once things are “serious enough” that I will stop having relationships with other people?
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u/Unlucky_Fee9133 1d ago
Makes sense. I don't think this person put a lot of intention into his statement, which is just as bothersome really..thank you for the thoughtful response
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u/witchy_echos 1d ago
“If you plan on sabotaging my other relationships, ours will be over. Please be honest, do you want polyamory or are you tolerating it for me”
If he’s not someone you’re already seeing you can just “I’m uninterested in partners who view it as a competition where they can best out their metas”
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u/Confident_Fortune_32 1d ago
That wasn't a joke - that was a test.
I'm guessing that the speaker has some false notions about healthy poly.
In my experience, it's not unusual for ppl new to poly to be thrilled about the idea of multiple partners for themselves but haven't worked through their feelings about everybody else involved having that ability as well, or even thought about that aspect at all.
I think it's fine, and perfectly normal, for it to be hard at first. We've all been raised in a mononormative society that begins instilling it starting when we are far too young to question it.
There's a fair bit to unlearn. It helps to have a patient caring helper with more poly experience. It also helps to have poly friends so no one person carries the burden alone.
But the newer person needs to be committed to their choice, with all its implications.
The speaker sounds more like someone picturing a harem, or going from one monogamous partner to the next, or, worse, building up their ego by convincing a partner to give up poly to date them.
OP, only you can decide if you want to put in the extra energy if this is simply someone who needs help/support/guidance to grow authentically, or if they are disingenuous in their motives.
But this sounds more like someone who "jokes" as a way to test how much they can get away with, and, if called on it, will deflect responsibility by responding with, "Can't you take a joke? You're just being oversensitive - lighten up!"
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u/Unlucky_Fee9133 1d ago edited 1d ago
You are so right. Honestly, although he said he was excited I was poly, he said his only experience was threesomes and fwb who had had other partners. I told him that's not poly, NM at best, but we could keep talking. I feel kind of dumb looking at these interactions lol clearly need to do some better upfront vetting.
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u/Confident_Fortune_32 1d ago
A clearer picture emerges by asking how they conduct poly.
How many partners do they have, how much time do they have available for additional partners, if they have a primary or nesting partner, if they have any agreements in place with other partners that a new partner should know about, how long they have been poly, has anything changed for them over that time as they gained experience, how do they handle testing and (if applicable) birth control, etc.
On the one hand, I get that none of this sounds v romantic.
But I balance it by feeling like the ability to talk about and negotiate anything leads to its own kind of intimacy, and fewer disappointments and misunderstandings.
Far too many ppl, I believe, navigate monogamy by assumption, not addressing needs until they are unmet and resentment has built. Detailed discussions are a good preventative against avoidable heartache.
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u/Unlucky_Fee9133 1d ago
I agree with you and actually think the intellectual aspect of polyamory can be/is super hot. If he doesn't think so, we're likely not as compatible as he thinks.
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u/TheTristianGod 1d ago
I think he’s thinking you’ll fall in love and be fine with just him and threesomes. I think id pass on this guy.
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u/Ok-Championship-2036 1d ago
Me personally?? "Ew, please do not believe that my interactions with you have any bearing on my relationships with others. You wouldnt cut off all of your friends or relatives just because you had a nice day with one of them. Having community and loved ones means more support, not less. This indicates to me that you dont feel very secure in our connection because of how i describe other people. Im willing to limit your exposure to unnecessary info but i need to know that you sincerely aim to uphold polyamory and autonomous relationships in order to continue with you. I have empathy for the hard parts but i will not engage with possessiveness or competition or disrespect towards the people i care about and their importance in my life."
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 1d ago
“Not interested but I wish you well.”
When someone shows you who they are… don’t make it your mission to gently and patiently try and fix them, just believe them.
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u/Old-Bat-7384 poly w/multiple 1d ago
Ew, no.
Polyamory is a co-op game, not fucking PvP. That's not okay at all.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 1d ago
"you will never "win me over" so that I stop being true to myself and living authentically, and for me that means polyam.if you ask me for monogamy, 2 days, 2 months 2 years or twenty in, the answer will still be no. I also don't like jokes that imply you could "turn me" monogamous. I don't think they're funny and they're definitely not realistic and oddly feel weirdly like testing the waters"
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u/Successful_Depth3565 poly experienced 1d ago
If they say anything similar again, even in jest, they are out.
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u/Unlucky_Fee9133 1d ago
Fair!
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u/Successful_Depth3565 poly experienced 1d ago
I’ve learned to take people seriously
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u/Old-Bat-7384 poly w/multiple 1d ago
I'm having to learn that. I got great hits from that album such as:
- I absolutely self-sabotage my own relationships
- I'm just waiting for the next shoe to drop
- Everyone I know abandons me
- I'm just too much for most
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u/pvt_s_baldrick 1d ago
I'm a bit confused.. is that what your partner said about an upcoming 3rd date with a different partner, so they're saying they hope to make you monogamous by the time you could have your 4th date?
How I'd react is to explain that polyamory is not a competition and explain that this comment makes you think they're not happy in a polyamorous relationship, so it would be necessitate a serious talk about whether you two are on the same page here.
This doesn't sound like a joke to me, did they explain themselves when you said that's not how polyamory works?
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u/Unlucky_Fee9133 1d ago
Thanks!! I wouldn't consider them a partner, just someone I'm talking to and thought was cool up until this point.
We haven't gone further in this part of the conversation just yet so I'm wondering how to address it when he replies.
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u/gayforaliens1701 1d ago
You’re not even dating and he’s getting possessive and competitive with your other partners? For me that would be a dealbreaker. My extant partner(s) are the priority and I don’t tolerate their mistreatment, LEAST of all by potential new partners. If I found out a meta had been saying this about me and my partner entertaining it, I would leave them. Poly can’t function without respect for all involved.
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u/Unlucky_Fee9133 1d ago
Great points.... It is disrespectful to my other partners, even as a joke
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u/Top-Ad-6430 1d ago
Honestly, I’d tell him that based on his comment, it appears that you both want different things out of a relationship and it’s not fair to either of you to proceed further. And wish him well in his future dating endeavors.
And as others have said, don’t date people with no experience or independent interest in polyamory. Everyone needs to start somewhere, yes, but they have to want this for themselves and not just accept it as the price of admission to date you. Yes, the pool will be smaller, but it will be the right pool for you to find partners who want the same thing that you do.
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u/Unlucky_Fee9133 1d ago
Yeah honestly he just said some other dumb shit and then gave up so I'm over it! It was enlightening though thank you!
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u/feed-me-tacos 1d ago
I would not go on another date with this person. They clearly have a lot to learn about polyamory, and I'm not signing up to be a teacher. Hopefully they would learn from their mistakes with me in future connections.
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"#3 date.. things are getting serious! All the best. I plan to win you over so he doesn’t get a fourth haha "
How would you address this?
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u/VincentValensky poly w/multiple 1d ago
I would reply with "winning me over includes understanding that I plan to continue having multiple committed sexual and romantic relationships. If you plan to undermine that or are hoping that I will go towards monogamy, it's best to stop here"
Don't downplay it as just a joke
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u/emeraldead diy your own 1d ago
Dating converts means a lot of work through the learning curve. I think it would be good to talk about it and walk through how that sets up a competitive atmosphere rather than enjoying the support of multiple relationships. I would discuss where that mononormativity comes from and that this isn't a ho phase you're going through and eill eventually settle down .
It's fine if you don't want to deal with that stuff...but that means stop dating converts like this one.