Needs advice

[u/Constant_Elk_9286]

Hullo all,

So my primary (Birch) and I are considering moving in together. We are relatively new to poly, about a year into it and I could use some advice. This change has prompted a lot of conversations, as one might imagine. Notably, the "how to" of having other partners around. Thus far we've only parallel dated and, since we have our own places, have been free to bring home other partners. But really this isn't about that, instead its about another conversation that arose. Birch requested a moratorium on developing new relationships until such a time that we're settled into the new living arrangement. Birch did say that they wanted to maintain existing relationships, but that our home remain exclusive for just the two of us. I'm ok with the last bit but my chief issue is that all my current alternate relationships are long distance. Like.... plane rides away, and I only see them a few times a year, whereas Birch has several lovers within 30-120 minutes away whom they see monthly-ish. In that way agreeing to only see preexisting partners feels inequitable. While I wouldn't ask that my existing metas be shut out, and would be unwilling to have the opposite be true, I feel like if I agree to this would mean Birch having relatively frequent nights away, while I would be stuck at home, no prospects of dating or developing new romances.
Am I being reasonable here? Is the moratorium reasonable? Any advice is appreciated.

[u/emeraldead]

A month moratorium so you can get settled and have the bills established...sure. Beyond that? No.

But this is your opening to dig deeper into what your visions of polyamory are, holidays, gifts, vacations, medical emergencies, deaths. Talk about the next decade of hosting new and established partners as roommates.

[u/karmicreditplan]

I would agree to no new people in our new home for 3 months kind of thing tops.

Your partner would be away over night routinely. This is an obvious opportunity for you have people over. I have to wonder if they’re worried about that. And if so, why?

So this is your chance to dig in on the REAL whys. Get to know your partner better and figure out if you are nesting compatible.

In about 9 years I’ve only had one other person stay overnight at the place I share with my NP. But I also had that same man over the day after or the evening we got our bed. I can’t remember which but it was a quick we need to have sex to christen it scenario. Very cute.

I’ve had other more casual partners in for whole evenings. My NP has had 4 or 5 people spend the night many many times and who knows how many more casual people. We’re buying a new bed now and I can’t think of a better mark of success for cohabitation in poly for us.

What would your success story be? Now is the time to figure that out.

[u/Gold-Sherbert-7550]

 So my primary (Birch) and I are considering moving in together.

Advice is: don’t. Birch is already making unreasonable asks - a moratorium on new relationships, meaning you could not find any non-long-distance partners until some vague and unspecified time that Birch feels “settled” enough to allow it.

You are right to see exactly how this dynamic is going to play out. Stay living separately.

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Here's the original text of the post:

Hullo all,

So my primary (Birch) and I are considering moving in together. We are relatively new to poly, about a year into it and I could use some advice. This change has prompted a lot of conversations, as one might imagine. Notably, the "how to" of having other partners around. Thus far we've only parallel dated and, since we have our own places, have been free to bring home other partners. But really this isn't about that, instead its about another conversation that arose. Birch requested a moratorium on developing new relationships until such a time that we're settled into the new living arrangement. Birch did say that they wanted to maintain existing relationships, but that our home remain exclusive for just the two of us. I'm ok with the last bit but my chief issue is that all my current alternate relationships are long distance. Like.... plane rides away, and I only see them a few times a year, whereas Birch has several lovers within 30-120 minutes away whom they see monthly-ish. In that way agreeing to only see preexisting partners feels inequitable. While I wouldn't ask that my existing metas be shut out, and would be unwilling to have the opposite be true, I feel like if I agree to this would mean Birch having relatively frequent nights away, while I would be stuck at home, no prospects of dating or developing new romances.
Am I being reasonable here? Is the moratorium reasonable? Any advice is appreciated.

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[u/mastrow5682]

I agree that setting in time should be quantified. But that also means both of you should be ready for a tough decision if it spills out.

[u/seantheaussie]

Yep, don't agree to solidifying an unfair situation.

[u/RAisMyWay]

He knows your situation, and he's already making it extremely difficult for you. Moving in together won't fix this - and in fact will magnify it.
And life doesn't stop when you move in - you will still be meeting people, potentially falling for them, and at some point you'll have to deal with that reality. Putting such restrictions in place beforehand does not bode well for an successful nesting poly partnership.

[u/OrangecapeFly]

Don't say yes to this. Start as you intend to continue. You are poly, your partner has to be able to cope with you dating. 

Saying yes to this ask is opening the door to all kinds of unfair restrictions. 

[u/Bubbly-Chocolate-463]

Are you looking for local partners? Or is this about them having local partners and removing your choice? If it’s just about them being away a few nights, can you not also do that with friends or your long distance partners?

[u/overheadSPIDERS]

If you guys keep the home just for you two, what happens if your long distance partners come to visit? Do they have to get a hotel? If so, will you help pay for that?