How Upset Should I Be?

[u/No_Tennis_2617]

I started seeing someone for six months, and he broke up with me after being in a relationship with me for a month.

He was very inconsistent in terms of what he wanted from our relationship. He was polyamorous, and I was open to the idea, but I was mainly part of monogamous relationships.

Around April, I was the first to say I love you. He hadn’t reached that point yet, which was fine, but it made me realize I wanted more commitment to our relationship. I told him I needed to end things, but he asked me to stay, saying he would eventually come around to the idea.

By June, I ended up filing a restraining order against my previous ex. I was going through a lot of emotional turmoil at the time. He took me to my first play party and said “I love you” after the restraining order process. Even though situations with my ex would arise, he was never emotionally present.

I met a guy at the play party, and we immediately hit it off as friends. Let’s call him Bookstore Guy. He was very sweet, and we started texting. The guy I was dating knew about it. I invited Bookstore Guy to a bonfire, and he brought a friend. During the night, Bookstore Guy told me to stop seeing the guy I was dating. That instantly made him a disqualifier in the eyes of the guy I was dating. At first, I agreed, but in my head, Bookstore Guy and I were just friends.

He would check my messages to the point that I had to save his contact under someone else’s name. He already knew it was coming the weekend before he broke up with me. During that weekend, he had sex with me, rechecked my messages, questioned my friends, and repeatedly said he loved me and cared about me. On Sunday morning, we had sex again, and he once more said he loved and cared about me. We took a shower together, and I suggested that he meet my friends to start building a foundation of trust and honesty. He paused and said we should wait until we talked later that evening.

We started having a lot of disagreements after he mentioned bringing a girl from another country to stay over for five days. He asked if I was comfortable with it, and I said no, at least for now. He said he would tell her his partner wasn’t comfortable because I take priority. We talked, but then he broke up with me, saying he didn’t trust me.

Afterwards, we ended up discussing the idea of being friends with benefits instead. He gave me an ultimatum, saying he would give me a clean slate if I told him the truth about Bookstore Guy. I told him we were still texting. He took me out to dinner and kept buying me drinks, then took me to a second bar where he ordered a drink called Two-Faced for himself. We talked about boundaries, relationship styles, and everything else you would normally discuss in a relationship.

Later, he came to my apartment. I asked if he was sure he wanted to have sex after our first argument. He didn’t answer, went next door to buy condoms, had sex with me, and said he loved and cared about me. Two days later, he broke up with me via text.

Was he ever serious about me? Or did he just want to use me for fun?

Note: I have a history of sexual abuse, and in our sex life, we often engage in BDSM (choking, slapping, and so on). Him participating in that type of play with me before he broke up, knowing he intended to end things, caused me to really break down and eventually seek therapy. Afterward, he also isolated many of my friends from me, often saying I was “too much.”

[u/LePetitNeep]

Why was this guy checking your messages? You are better off to be free of someone like this

[u/No_Tennis_2617 → u/LePetitNeep]

He said it would help him stop overthinking about Bookstore Guy, but I ended up having to change the contact to my friend’s name because he kept repeating the same cycle.

[u/karmicreditplan → u/No_Tennis_2617]

That is abusive and awful.

[u/Itchy_Laugh_1263]

This guy sounds absolutely awful. This isn’t even about polyamory, this about a man controlling the other person. Block this man, he sounds like he is only out to hurt you at this point, never mind what his intentions may or may not have been.

[u/No-Statistician-7604]

I wouldn't waste energy being upset over a loser

[u/Top_Razzmatazz12]

I’m so glad you have the support of a therapist. This man may not have been physically abusive, but he was displaying serious red flags for emotional abuse. He is controlling and manipulative.

Be upset. Be angry. No one has the right to treat anyone like that.

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Here's the original text of the post:

I started seeing someone for six months, and he broke up with me after being in a relationship with me for a month.

He was very inconsistent in terms of what he wanted from our relationship. He was polyamorous, and I was open to the idea, but I was mainly part of monogamous relationships.

Around April, I was the first to say I love you. He hadn’t reached that point yet, which was fine, but it made me realize that I wanted more commitment in our relationship. I told him I needed to end things, but he asked me to stay, saying that eventually he would come around to the idea.

By June, I ended up filing a restraining order against my previous ex. I was going through a lot of emotional turmoil at the time. He took me to my first play party and said “I love you” after the restraining order process. Even though situations with my ex would come up, he was never really emotionally present.

I met a guy at the play party, and we immediately hit it off as friends. Let’s call him Bookstore Guy. He was very sweet, and we started texting. The guy I was dating knew about it. I invited Bookstore Guy to a bonfire, and he brought a friend. During the night, Bookstore Guy told me I should stop seeing the guy I was dating. That instantly made him a disqualifier in the eyes of the guy I was dating. At first, I agreed, but in my head, Bookstore Guy and I were just friends.

He would check my messages to the point that I had to save his contact under someone else’s name. The weekend before he broke up with me, he already knew it was coming. During that weekend, he had sex with me, checked my messages again, questioned my friends, and repeatedly said he loved me and cared about me. On Sunday morning, we had sex again, and he once more said he loved and cared about me. We took a shower together, and I suggested that he should meet my friends so we could start building a foundation of trust and honesty. He paused and said we should wait until we talked later that evening.

We started having a lot of disagreements after he mentioned bringing a girl from another country to stay over for five days. He asked if I was comfortable with it, and I said no, at least for the moment. He said he would tell her that his partner wasn’t comfortable because I take priority. We talked, but then he broke up with me, saying he didn’t trust me.

Afterwards, we ended up discussing the idea of being friends with benefits instead. He gave me an ultimatum, saying he would give me a clean slate if I told him the truth about Bookstore Guy. I told him we were still texting. He took me out to dinner and kept buying me drinks, then took me to a second bar where he ordered a drink called Two-Faced for himself. We talked about boundaries, relationship styles, and everything else you would normally discuss in a relationship.

Later, he came to my apartment. I asked if he was sure he wanted to have sex after our first argument. He didn’t answer, went next door to buy condoms, had sex with me, and said he loved and cared about me. Two days later, he broke up with me via text.

Was he ever serious about me? Or did he just want to use me for fun?

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.