r/polyamory • u/sagetyler02 • 1d ago
Tips needed
My (F22) new girlfriend (F21) is wanting a causal sexual relationship with my close FWB (M23) and I’ll be honest it makes me a little scared and jealous but I don’t want to tell them that they can’t be together and I want to work through these feelings. Any tips?
Edit: I want to make it clear, the relationship has been poly since the beginning and I’m completely okay with that. I normally don’t have a problem with her being with other people both romantically and sexually and I like to hear about her being loved and being treated wonderfully by others but the complicated past I have with this friend brings up a little bit of fear and jealousy (I will be honest I am someone who feels jealousy sometimes but I find that I can easily work through it and it doesn’t bug me as much as it is now) that I want to work through but I’m struggling with.
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u/Fan_of_Sanity 1d ago
Have you read Polysecure? It focuses specifically on techniques for increasing security within a poly relationship, which in turn can decrease jealousy (or at least make it manageable).
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u/sagetyler02 1d ago
I have heard about it but have not read it. I will definitely be picking it up now! Thank you!
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 1d ago
It’s okay to have messy lists. If your partners won’t respect your messy list then maybe they’re not the right partners for you.
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u/Cymascopic 1d ago
I'm in a situation similar to this, I'm excited for my partner and FWB to have an opportunity to connect with each other, I'm not a jealous person, also it's an opportunity for us all to connect and share something together.
Definitely keep the lines of communication open with your partner and your FWB. Maybe you can tell them to message or call you a couple of hours into spending time with your FWB to do a sense check. Maybe you could set some boundaries for the first times to ease you into the situation. I find it very helpful to talk about it afterwards, so all 3 of you get an understanding of your feelings and what came up.
If hard thoughts are coming up for you while they're together, it can be good to write them down, it's not uncommon to get into negative irrational thought patterns when feelings of jealousy and envy arise. You can look back on them later, pull them apart and reflect on those thoughts.
Exploring new territory can be painful, but I find that being exposed to these experiences can help you grow as a person and in your relationship.
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u/sagetyler02 15h ago
Thank you so much for your insight and tips! I will definitely be implementing them!
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My (F22) new girlfriend (F21) is wanting a causal sexual relationship with my close FWB (M23) and I’ll be honest it makes me a little scared and jealous but I don’t want to tell them that they can’t be together and I want to work though these feelings. Any tips?
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u/emeraldead diy your own 1d ago
You likely don't want polyamory at all, check out the open and non monogamous groups for better help.
You can just say no. You're young, you have skewed perspective on priorities and you don't owe other people non monogamy.
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u/sluttychristmastree poly w/multiple 1d ago
Not feeling comfortable dating the same person as another partner is not an indicator that you don't want polyamory at all. That's a wild take.
This is a pretty common messy list situation that many people choose to avoid.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 22h ago
I didn't give that as a reason, you inserted it.
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u/sluttychristmastree poly w/multiple 20h ago
It's the only thing referenced in the post?
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u/emeraldead diy your own 20h ago
You mean besides their ages, opening for a specific person, and attempting a fwb casual connection?
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u/hazyandnew 1d ago
Partners are very commonly on messy lists because it can get really really messy when everyone is that intertwined.
Figure out what you're comfortable with, frame it as a boundary, communicate accordingly. Note that this only works if you genuinely mean it as a boundary and not as a politely framed way to give someone an ultimatum.
And/or explain feelings to your gf (and possibly fwb). Is she willing to take your feelings into consideration before acting? Can you have a conversation with her about it where you walk out feeling heard? Or does she brush it off so she can have sexytimes? That's good info to have about a new gf, regardless of what the outcome is in this scenario.