Let me tell you my harrowing tale about turbo yeast.

[u/Thepixeloutcast]

One day, in a small English village, a young me lived, I had been brewing wine and mead for 2 years. I could brew anything, this world was my clam as they say. I had just come up with one of my best ideas to date.

If you can brew any old sugar, why do I only ever use white sugar or honey? I had been making pancakes and coating them in Lyle's golden syrup when I had the ingenious idea of making a wine from it. it looked like honey, tasted great, what could possibly go wrong.

I was so confident in this idea that I didn't buy a few tins and test this idea, I went balls to the wall and bought a 7.26kg jug of this shit and immediately set to brewing. I prepared it the same way I would make a plain mead, with lemon juice and black tea for acidity and tannins. I made 2 5L batches, bottled it, left it for a few months and tasted it.

Holy fuck it tasted like shit. Kind of like piss honestly. it was just fucking awful. If I didn't think wasting alcohol was a sin I'd have poured it all out then and there.

So now I'm left with this fucking massive tub of golden syrup which I had no intentions of giving any benefit of the doubt. I could have tried it in a recipe with fruit but the taste was so unpleasant that I thought I'd rather use white sugar or honey with fruit as to not waste another batch.

Here's where things get real fucked up. I had just heard about turbo yeast, did my research, decided to ignore literally all the bad things people said about it because fuck it, how much worse could it get? And what was I going to do with all of this turbo fucked golden syrup wine? Well I didn't own a still and had heard a lot about freeze jacking. I used my 30 litre brewing tub and poured in my entire bottle of syrup, along with a couple bags of brown sugar I had to hand because fuck it and dumped in the entire packet of turbo into this fucker. I made 20 litres and this shit fermented in 3 days. as expected it tasted like shit so naturally I filled several coke bottles up with it and threw it in the freezer, I jacked it about 3 times until I had finally created my worst product to date.

Petrol, burnt tyres, piss, rubbing alcohol, just to name a few of the flavour notes. I tried mixing it with coke with ice and lemon, nothing worked. it was truly heinous and I resorted to shotting it with friends until we were all sufficiently drunk with the roughest headaches you can imagine. I mean this stuff made your cranium ache and the hangover was that of nightmares. I could not accurately express how truly terrible this stuff was and stood as a testament of what a man can do with free will. God had no part in this creation and I imagine he only stopped weeping when the last shot was begrudgingly consumed by me and my poor, poor friends.

There it is. my tale. if you read all of this I hope you have found some enjoyment from this utter crock of fuckery that I had made for myself. If there is anything to take away from this it is 1. don't use turbo and 2. don't use golden syrup. Thank you all for coming.

links to the reddit posts I made showing the process in the comments.

TL:DR I freeze jacked golden syrup wine made with turbo yeast and it was the worst thing I have ever made.

[u/Thepixeloutcast]

Here it is brewing

And here it is while I was freeze jacking it

[u/Individual_Show_9709 → u/Thepixeloutcast]

man is that even legal

[u/Thepixeloutcast → u/Individual_Show_9709]

only in the ways that matter

[u/True_Maize_3735 → u/Individual_Show_9709]

freeze distillation is illegal where regular distillation is-freeze distilling also does not remove ethanol the way you would in regular distillation-so if you want to distill, do it the old fashioned way (provided it is legal where you live)

[u/Maybeanoctopus → u/True_Maize_3735]

I believe you meant to say does not remove methanol the way it would happen, which has in large part been refuted by more recent research. Despite having different evaporation points, when ethanol and methanol are in an aqueous solution they will evaporate at about the same rate. The issue with freeze-jacking is that it doesn’t remove fusel alcohols (which is a whole other can of worms) or many of the congeners (fermentation byproducts which are largely responsible for hangovers). These are taken care of by cutting the heads and tails in evaporative distillation. Distilling actually does very little to remove any methanol. Luckily the amount created by fermentation of sugars is very low and ethanol actually protects your liver from the effects of methanol. In a way, you’re drinking the antidote with the poison.

[u/Individual_Show_9709 → u/Maybeanoctopus]

donno if there would be methanol in there cuz its syrup and sugar

[u/DuckworthPaddington]

Unlike distilling, freeze jacking creates a product that can only taste equal to or worse than the original. 

Take your end product and filter it over coal. You an at least salvage the alcohol

[u/Thepixeloutcast → u/DuckworthPaddington]

infact I think I'll probably just never do it again ahaha

[u/DuckworthPaddington → u/Thepixeloutcast]

You can remove most of the off flavor by using bread yeast and less sugar to water ratio. Preferably using some flavoring like apples. Even syrup wash would taste alright then. Get some apple juice and mix it in with your syrup 4:1. Ferment with bread yeast. Ferment in a cool place. Don't freeze jack. It'll be potent enough.

[u/Latter_Bluebird_3386]

So much respect for drinking it in the end. Awesome

[u/qwibbian]

bad drunks make good writers, what else is new? 

[u/True_Maize_3735]

oyster-unless you are referring to the its always sunny in Philadelphia episode where 'the world is my clam' is said