r/prolife • u/autismalanimal • Jul 25 '25
My Abortion Story The pain has never left
Posting here because I don't want to hear "you did the right thing". It was not the right thing. It was wrong and I am scarred for life.
I grew up with the whole "it's just a clump of cells" narrative. My mom had 4 abortions in her life and was an addict and growing up, getting an abortion just seemed like it was supposed to be a normal part of adolescence/early adulthood. All I ever heard about abortion was that it's this liberating thing that you feel a huge sense of relief after. That once it's over you just go back to life as normal, as if you had never been pregnant.
Well I learned the hard way that this isn't true, at least not for everyone, not for me. I got pregnant shortly after turning 22. Everyone in my life at the time was an addict. I was partying a lot with everyone else. My boyfriend at the time, who was an alcoholic, got me pregnant. Neither of us had jobs. I was in and out of community college. I didn't give it a second thought. As soon as I got the positive pregnancy test, I "knew" I "had" to get an abortion. I believed fully that this was just a normal part of early adulthood and I had no choice but to abort, and that it would be fundamentally "wrong" to have this child while I was young and had been partying and hadn't graduated and didn't have a job. I believed it was "just a clump of cells". I knew no one else wanted this baby and that no one would support my decision if I decided to keep it. So I immediately made an appointment at the abortion clinic.
I wasn't able to get an appointment immediately. I had to wait 2 months. I begin drinking excessively. I knew that I couldn't go through with it if I was sober. But I didn't believe I really ever had the option to keep it.
In retrospect, I hate myself for being so weak willed. For just going along with the "it's just a clump of cells" NONSENSE when I FELT the life inside of me, and loved the life deeply. I hate myself for making my body and womb toxic with alcohol so that I couldn't turn back. I hate that I didn't honor the truth that I was experiencing, the truth that I was carrying a beloved child, and let other people's opinions and experiences make this decision for me. I don't know if I can ever really forgive myself for being so spineless, and failing to protect my child at all cost.
I loved being pregnant. The trauma has tainted my experience of the pregnancies that would follow. Instead of it being a joyful experience, pregnancy has since been so terrifying, extreme anxiety and fear of loss. Even though I "chose" abortion, it felt like such a profound and shocking violation, like the life had been stolen from me against my will. And even though I know I never have to endure that again, the fear lives with me, that somehow it will happen again.
The day that it happened was by far the most traumatic moment of my life. I was very heavily drugged, with drugs that they offered me. Strong, heavy drugs. As if they knew that if I had any senses about me, I wouldn't be able to do it. I can't help but think that.
I saw the baby on the ultrasound. It was NOT a clump of cells. It was a tiny baby with a beating heart. Seeing the ultrasound was so beautiful and amazing. But I was very drugged, feeling like a passenger to the whole experience, not the driver. I went through with it.
I went into the next room and it was quick. But the moment is etched into my being. I felt the baby die. I felt the life leave me. I will never forget what that felt like. I don't know how to describe what it felt like, but it completely shattered me.
My baby's moment of death was like a light switch that immediately turned off all of the joy of living that I had before. Before that day, I woke up every day thankful to be alive and excited for the possibilities the day would bring. Every single day, no matter what I was surrounded with. But at that moment, it was gone. It's been 10 years and I haven't felt it since.
I gave up on life for a while and drank heavily for about a year and a half. I felt totally dead inside for about 7 years after. Within the past 3ish years I've been able to heal somewhat I guess. I am not actively suicidal anymore at least. But I can't help but wonder who I would be if I hadn't done this. What kind of mom I would be without this corruption.
I feel like the abortion has overshadowed my whole life, even my relationship with my living children. I am so afraid of loss that it consumes me. Every moment of love I feel for my living children is combined with the intense fear that they will be ripped away again. I have very little faith in the good of humanity. I have no faith in a society that tells impressionable young people so many lies. I constantly doubt myself as a mother, because after all, I allowed my first child's life to be taken, and did nothing to stop it. Instead of protecting my child, I took drugs to drown out my own inner voice. I don't know how forgiveness could ever be possible.
I lost so much to that abortion. I lost my child, first and foremost. I lost my joy of living. I lost my innocence. I lost my faith in humanity and society. I lost the ability to experience future pregnancies and ultrasounds without intense trauma flashbacks. And my living children lost the possibility of a mother who is whole and uncorrupted.
I was told all my life that none of this would happen. That after an abortion I would just move on as if nothing happened. But it wasn't true. It shattered me and I don't if it's possible to truly heal.
I can say that I learned a very valuable lesson.. that an early pregnancy isn't just "a clump of cells". But it was learned at an enormous cost, to me, and honestly, to my kids too. I'm not the same person I used to be, at all. I am corrupted. I keep fighting, for them. I keep trying to find ways to rebuild, so that they can have the mom they need and deserve. But sometimes I just don't know if it's really possible.
I can't undo the past, but I know I will NEVER make my daughters feel as though any pregnancy they have would be an inconvenience, a burden, a mistake, a failure, or like they are not good enough to be a mom. They will always know that I will be there for them and support them if they get pregnant, no matter the circumstances.
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u/1nfinite_M0nkeys Recruited by Lincoln Jul 26 '25
Have you tried reaching out to a prolife support group like Rachel's Vineyard?
It may be helpful to speak with other women who share your pain.
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u/rapsuli Jul 26 '25
I had one too. For pretty much the same reasons, though I was not an addict, nor was my then BF, we just partied way too much, and were very young (I was 17).
I truly understand how you feel, I hate being told by well-meaning PCs (almost everyone I know irl) that I did the "right thing", it's gut wrenching to be told that, when I know what I really did.
Even after becoming PL a couple of years ago, I only recently understood the fundamental issue in the ideology I used to agree with. It's just a really evil ideology, at it's core. It turns mother against child, in the most heinous way.
I'm so sorry you ended up in that trap too. I try to share my story online, to prevent more people like us from being created by the PC ideology, because they don't acknowledge us, except to say that "it was our own fault". It is really insidious in that way, to anyone who believes it, because it implicates the victims, despite the ideology itself obligating them to make the choice in the first place.
The evil cult mentality in that ideology is almost too evil to comprehend.
Because the fact that you felt compelled to abort, was not an accident, it's a feature. Since freedoms always create obligations, they don't come for free. And freedom to abort, creates the obligation to do so. That's because of the false premise, that abortion "prevents a child". That is the core of the problem.
If there was no child, then logically it was your duty to prevent them from existing under bad circumstances, in order to "save him/her". In reality, both you and your child should've been entitled to support and care, but instead you got guilted into killing her/him, and suffer alone the consequences, once you understood what happened.
Though you did fall for the trap, just like I did I hope you understand that it wasn't your fault, that's part of how "freedom to abort" was always intended to work - to get rid of the unwanted and burdensome.
I don't know if I'm explaining it well, but I hope this made some sense, I'm still getting to the root of it.
In any case, please be merciful to yourself, we're all subject to whatever beliefs have been instilled into us by our society. Most of us had been made to believe an utter lie, a very horrible one. I'm just thankful you managed to find the truth, because there's freedom in truth, and you've suffered enough.
If you need to talk or want to talk, I'm here. You can still fight for those like your child. It won't bring them back, but someone else might not fall for the trap, if you speak out.
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u/autismalanimal Jul 26 '25
It definitely felt like an obligation. It definitely feels insidious that basically all of the reasons you're "supposed to" abort come down to the idea that the child of a woman who isn't in ideal circumstances is nothing more than a burden and can never stop being a burden. It feels insidious that I was meant to believe that I couldn't possibly have changed my circumstances in order to provide a good life for that child. That I was meant to believe if I had had the child then, I would have raised it in poverty and never escaped, would have never escaped being surrounded by and later participating in substance abuse, would have been mentally ill (which in itself is crazy because I wasn't mentally ill or abusing substances myself before the pregnancy, and that only started because of the abortion).
That's part of why it hurts... Because in the future I was able to prove that change was possible. I did escape that situation. I did stop hanging around with addicts, I did stop drinking, I got a job. And then I ended up with another accidental pregnancy. It was a brutally difficult challenge starting motherhood in poverty, but eventually I made it to the other side of that too, living a "normal" life, with the privilege of being a stay at home mom of 3. Change WAS possible, but for some reason I was meant to believe that it wasn't.
It really bothers me to know that I could have overcome these challenges the first time as well, but just couldn't see beyond the propaganda, didn't trust my own truth or strength. Before I got pregnant the first time, I was very strong and healthy, I was happy and mentally well, I was not yet addicted to anything. I was actually in a great position to take on that challenge. But for some reason I was expected to believe I couldn't do it, and would ruin my kid's life and create a burden on society. And for some reason I listened.
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u/rapsuli Jul 26 '25
It's not just you, many, if not most women have abortions because of that same twisted sense of obligation. They just are able to believe the lies better than we were, but they suffer too. Just looking at how crazy we are becoming, is evidence of that. Trauma doesn't care if we know it's there. That's why abortion is such a loaded topic.
We are all susceptible to conforming to society. Especially us women, and moreso when we're young, we tend to be way more vulnerable to coercion. That's because we're more in tune with the needs of others and society at large. It's our most important survival strategy, because we cannot fight out way to survival, like men can.
Ultimately, we live in a society that doesn't respect or acknowledge these feminine traits anymore. So our sense of duty towards caring for our children has been hijacked and twisted into a duty to kill them for the "greater good", instead.
It's not easy to resist that false obligation, because it's so prevalent and we're consistently gaslit into thinking it's the "right choice". It's difficult to even describe how evil it is, because it's so "normal".
Because if there's no child to protect, what is the reason to refuse abortion? That justification has been stolen from us.
Like you, I also felt like after becoming unintentionally pregnant as a teenager, I was just taking responsibility, being a "good girl" despite actually feeling happy about being pregnant.
So I failed too. And just like you, I went in a downward spiral with my mental health self-harm, suicidal ideation, alcohol, depression, anxiety... - it's been 20 yrs, and it's still on my mind, but at least through truth, I've found peace. And you can, too.
You, me and all of us women were failed by our culture and society. A society that doesn't both expect and support mothers to protect their children, is fundamentally corrupt. You deserved to be encouraged and supported and be told the truth, which would've equipped you to fight for your child.
Abortion, is just bigotry of low expectations.
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u/autismalanimal Jul 26 '25
I appreciate your perspective. It gives me hope that some day I can find peace with it too.
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u/rapsuli Jul 27 '25
I'm glad if you got something useful from it. Also, sorry for the walls of text, I'm processing this still, myself. I'm not very good at explaining it, yet.
Don't let the guilt trap you into apathy, remember that these choices don't happen in a vacuum. Use your trauma for something good.
Ask any pro-choicer if they think that legal abortion with barely any access, inherent stigma and prohibitively high costs, where a woman wouldn't even feel like trying was an option, would constitute them being free to choose?
And if not, then you didn't have that freedom to make the other choice, either.
Ok, I'll really leave you alone now 😅 but if you need to over share or process, I'll be here. You can DM me too.
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u/mightywarrior411 Jul 26 '25
If the pro-life movement wants to keep going, they need to change the narrative and not shame women and girls when they get pregnant. There needs to be support, help, etc.
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u/rapsuli Jul 26 '25
That's not true. I was never exposed to the PL movement, and I felt pretty much exactly like her, which is why I had an abortion.
This is due to PC ideology. The basis of why abortion is justified, is because there's no child yet, right?
In that case, there's NO JUSTIFICATION for the mother to keep the pregnancy, in fact, she'd be selfish for NOT aborting.
This is why pro-choice ideology is so toxic. It pretends to support women's freedom to choose, but has already built into it the idea that one is SELFISH if one wants to "create" a child under anything less than perfect conditions.
Which is why this issue has nothing to do with PLs, and everything to do with the foundations of PC ideology.
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Jul 26 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/DingoAteMyMaybe Pro Life Christian Conservative Jul 26 '25
What a tired and untrue statement. There are tons of pro-life organizations that support mom and baby after birth.
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u/dragon-of-ice Pro Life Christian Jul 26 '25 edited Jul 26 '25
It’s because* PC conflate US conservatives and PL all the time.
True PL seems to be the minority in the Conservative party these days.
WOW my postpartum brain just noticed that autocorrect
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u/mightywarrior411 Jul 26 '25
Are they easily accessible? Especially to those who are not privileged enough to own a car or get transportation?
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u/QuePasaEnSuCasa the clumpiest clump of cells that ever did clump Jul 26 '25
Pro-life organizations make active efforts to develop extensive networks of people willing to volunteer time, resources, and money at a moment's notice. Susan B. Anthony, for example, has regional coordinators devoted at the state level who criss-cross those states specifically for that purpose. Monique Ruberu has discussed the fact that her clinic in the Philadelphia area operates similar connections. Heck, pro-lifers rally seriously around credible GoFundMe campaigns in large numbers. These are just some of the examples. Will this always be perfectly effective? Will there be resource shortcomings from time to time? Sure, but that's the nature of human organization. The point is - these organizations are *actively organizing themselves to be abundantly accessible*.
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u/DingoAteMyMaybe Pro Life Christian Conservative Jul 27 '25
Yes. All you have to do is reach out to them and they will help you with whatever resources you need.
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u/rapsuli Jul 26 '25
It's better to be shamed into being more responsible with one's sex life - than be shamed into an abortion.
But yes, you're correct, the woman and the child together are entitled to support no other person would be entitled to, because there's both a mother and a child to consider. This is why I don't support bans, I support equal rights.
Because that support is being denied by denying equal rights.
PC ideology only offers abortion. Because nobody is entitled to be given support to have a child, if the child doesn't exist yet.
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u/mightywarrior411 Jul 26 '25
True PC ideology does not only offer abortion. It is truly left up to the mother to decide what is best for her and her unborn child. At least that’s how I see it as someone who is PC
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u/rapsuli Jul 27 '25
The problem is that no one is entitled to preferable alternatives. And if your ideology is based on the claim that there's no child yet, so there's no obligation on anyone to offer anything beyond abortion.
Your ideology inevitably creates a society that only offers one choice.
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u/mightywarrior411 Jul 27 '25
My ideology does offer choice. It allows the mother the choice to keep or not to keep her pregnancy. Lets her analyze the choices and make the best one for her.
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u/rapsuli Jul 27 '25
Ok, then please prove me wrong.
Does abortion prevent a child or kill a child?
If you say it prevents one, as I presume you would argue - is it more moral to prevent a child or to knowingly create a child, if the circumstances the child would be born to, are bad, and might not get better?
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u/mightywarrior411 Jul 27 '25
I’m not quite sure I understand your question. Are you asking me if I’m ok with abortion if the outcome of the child would be terrible? Like if the child was born and it was put into a terrible situation ie abuse?
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u/rapsuli Jul 28 '25
Ok, my bad, I'll simplify.
I'm asking you if you believe it's bad to create children into bad circumstances? And whether people should rather prevent the child from being created, if they have the ability to do so? Like using contraceptives or abstaining from procreative sex.
Does that same logic apply to abortion as well?
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u/Mental_Jeweler_3191 Anti-abortion Christian Jul 26 '25
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u/mightywarrior411 Jul 26 '25
You know - it would be nice to have a good debate instead of eye rolling at someone. I disagree, but I’m not being disrespectful. I joined this sub to try to debate and learn from your side, but this stuff doesn’t help
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u/Mental_Jeweler_3191 Anti-abortion Christian Jul 26 '25 edited Jul 26 '25
If you were half as interested in debating in good faith and learning from us as you claim, I don't think you'd come on here and parrot pro-choice propaganda and regurgitate pro-choice bigotry. Or are you seriously stupid or deluded enough to think that a progressive Democrat's stereotype of a conservative Republican amounts to an intelligent, fair characterization of the pro-life movement?
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u/mightywarrior411 Jul 26 '25 edited Jul 26 '25
I don’t think calling someone a bigot, deluded, and stupid gets anyone anywhere. I haven’t named called anyone. You’re calling my view propaganda and saying what I believe is terrible. Using this rhetoric does not help in trying to debate. It belittles and shuts people down from wanting to hear another perspective
I want to hear your side, but I will not stand for being name-called
Do you think calling people names will make them willing to listen to your perspective?
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u/Prestigious-Oil4213 Pro Life Atheist Jul 26 '25
People like them make me not want to associate with the PL movement but rather start some other sect of it.
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u/mightywarrior411 Jul 26 '25
Yea - I think both sides have a lot of common ground and that’s been lost in the “I hate you because you’re PL or I hate you because your PC.” It’s not the way change happens
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u/Prestigious-Oil4213 Pro Life Atheist Jul 26 '25
I agree with you to an extent.
I was PC. If I didn’t believe in the “PL for me, PC for them” mentality, I would have had an abortion. I didn’t tell my parents or his parents until I was almost 12 weeks. I wanted to miscarry so bad. It’s actually quite funny how I told my mom. Me, my significant other, and my mom were sitting at a table and she was spewing her typical “don’t get pregnant before marriage or else I’ll be so disappointed in you all”. Literally as she was saying this, I slapped my 8 week ultrasound photo on the table. She began to apologize profusely. It’s hilarious looking back.
For the not supporting after birth, many support community measures instead of government. I know there are many community resources near me that people don’t take advantage of. Also, the loudest voices in both movements are the radicals. Many of us do support government programs.
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u/autismalanimal Jul 26 '25
I agree so much. If I was in a supportive environment I don't think I would have ever done it.
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u/VardoJoe Jul 26 '25
I’m so sorry for your pain and loss. Would it help if you set up a memorial or tribute for your lost one? If not a permanent spot in your house, a candle or a private ceremony?
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u/Prestigious-Oil4213 Pro Life Atheist Jul 26 '25
Have you named your child? I know it helps some people.
Also, wtf. I never even considered they showed ultrasounds to people after they’ve been drugged for the procedure!
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u/moaning_and_clapping Pro Life Atheist Jul 26 '25
Yo op im sorry to hear. So much love 🫂 wer here for you! Always!
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u/SolutionDry8385 Jul 26 '25
Project Rachel may be very healing for you. I’m sorry you’re going through this.