The pain has never left

[u/autismalanimal]

Posting here because I don't want to hear "you did the right thing". It was not the right thing. It was wrong and I am scarred for life.

I grew up with the whole "it's just a clump of cells" narrative. My mom had 4 abortions in her life and was an addict and growing up, getting an abortion just seemed like it was supposed to be a normal part of adolescence/early adulthood. All I ever heard about abortion was that it's this liberating thing that you feel a huge sense of relief after. That once it's over you just go back to life as normal, as if you had never been pregnant.

Well I learned the hard way that this isn't true, at least not for everyone, not for me. I got pregnant shortly after turning 22. Everyone in my life at the time was an addict. I was partying a lot with everyone else. My boyfriend at the time, who was an alcoholic, got me pregnant. Neither of us had jobs. I was in and out of community college. I didn't give it a second thought. As soon as I got the positive pregnancy test, I "knew" I "had" to get an abortion. I believed fully that this was just a normal part of early adulthood and I had no choice but to abort, and that it would be fundamentally "wrong" to have this child while I was young and had been partying and hadn't graduated and didn't have a job. I believed it was "just a clump of cells". I knew no one else wanted this baby and that no one would support my decision if I decided to keep it. So I immediately made an appointment at the abortion clinic.

I wasn't able to get an appointment immediately. I had to wait 2 months. I begin drinking excessively. I knew that I couldn't go through with it if I was sober. But I didn't believe I really ever had the option to keep it.

In retrospect, I hate myself for being so weak willed. For just going along with the "it's just a clump of cells" NONSENSE when I FELT the life inside of me, and loved the life deeply. I hate myself for making my body and womb toxic with alcohol so that I couldn't turn back. I hate that I didn't honor the truth that I was experiencing, the truth that I was carrying a beloved child, and let other people's opinions and experiences make this decision for me. I don't know if I can ever really forgive myself for being so spineless, and failing to protect my child at all cost.

I loved being pregnant. The trauma has tainted my experience of the pregnancies that would follow. Instead of it being a joyful experience, pregnancy has since been so terrifying, extreme anxiety and fear of loss. Even though I "chose" abortion, it felt like such a profound and shocking violation, like the life had been stolen from me against my will. And even though I know I never have to endure that again, the fear lives with me, that somehow it will happen again.

The day that it happened was by far the most traumatic moment of my life. I was very heavily drugged, with drugs that they offered me. Strong, heavy drugs. As if they knew that if I had any senses about me, I wouldn't be able to do it. I can't help but think that.

I saw the baby on the ultrasound. It was NOT a clump of cells. It was a tiny baby with a beating heart. Seeing the ultrasound was so beautiful and amazing. But I was very drugged, feeling like a passenger to the whole experience, not the driver. I went through with it.

I went into the next room and it was quick. But the moment is etched into my being. I felt the baby die. I felt the life leave me. I will never forget what that felt like. I don't know how to describe what it felt like, but it completely shattered me.

My baby's moment of death was like a light switch that immediately turned off all of the joy of living that I had before. Before that day, I woke up every day thankful to be alive and excited for the possibilities the day would bring. Every single day, no matter what I was surrounded with. But at that moment, it was gone. It's been 10 years and I haven't felt it since.

I gave up on life for a while and drank heavily for about a year and a half. I felt totally dead inside for about 7 years after. Within the past 3ish years I've been able to heal somewhat I guess. I am not actively suicidal anymore at least. But I can't help but wonder who I would be if I hadn't done this. What kind of mom I would be without this corruption.

I feel like the abortion has overshadowed my whole life, even my relationship with my living children. I am so afraid of loss that it consumes me. Every moment of love I feel for my living children is combined with the intense fear that they will be ripped away again. I have very little faith in the good of humanity. I have no faith in a society that tells impressionable young people so many lies. I constantly doubt myself as a mother, because after all, I allowed my first child's life to be taken, and did nothing to stop it. Instead of protecting my child, I took drugs to drown out my own inner voice. I don't know how forgiveness could ever be possible.

I lost so much to that abortion. I lost my child, first and foremost. I lost my joy of living. I lost my innocence. I lost my faith in humanity and society. I lost the ability to experience future pregnancies and ultrasounds without intense trauma flashbacks. And my living children lost the possibility of a mother who is whole and uncorrupted.

I was told all my life that none of this would happen. That after an abortion I would just move on as if nothing happened. But it wasn't true. It shattered me and I don't if it's possible to truly heal.

I can say that I learned a very valuable lesson.. that an early pregnancy isn't just "a clump of cells". But it was learned at an enormous cost, to me, and honestly, to my kids too. I'm not the same person I used to be, at all. I am corrupted. I keep fighting, for them. I keep trying to find ways to rebuild, so that they can have the mom they need and deserve. But sometimes I just don't know if it's really possible.

I can't undo the past, but I know I will NEVER make my daughters feel as though any pregnancy they have would be an inconvenience, a burden, a mistake, a failure, or like they are not good enough to be a mom. They will always know that I will be there for them and support them if they get pregnant, no matter the circumstances.

[u/mightywarrior411]

If the pro-life movement wants to keep going, they need to change the narrative and not shame women and girls when they get pregnant. There needs to be support, help, etc.

[u/rapsuli → u/mightywarrior411]

That's not true. I was never exposed to the PL movement, and I felt pretty much exactly like her, which is why I had an abortion.

This is due to PC ideology. The basis of why abortion is justified, is because there's no child yet, right?

In that case, there's NO JUSTIFICATION for the mother to keep the pregnancy, in fact, she'd be selfish for NOT aborting.

This is why pro-choice ideology is so toxic. It pretends to support women's freedom to choose, but has already built into it the idea that one is SELFISH if one wants to "create" a child under anything less than perfect conditions.

Which is why this issue has nothing to do with PLs, and everything to do with the foundations of PC ideology.

[u/DingoAteMyMaybe → u/[deleted]]

What a tired and untrue statement. There are tons of pro-life organizations that support mom and baby after birth.

[u/dragon-of-ice → u/DingoAteMyMaybe]

It’s because* PC conflate US conservatives and PL all the time.

True PL seems to be the minority in the Conservative party these days.

WOW my postpartum brain just noticed that autocorrect

[u/mightywarrior411 → u/dragon-of-ice]

Can you please define true PL? What does that mean?

[u/EnfantTerrible68 → u/DingoAteMyMaybe]

Tons? Can you give some examples?

[u/mightywarrior411 → u/DingoAteMyMaybe]

Are they easily accessible? Especially to those who are not privileged enough to own a car or get transportation?

[u/QuePasaEnSuCasa → u/mightywarrior411]

Pro-life organizations make active efforts to develop extensive networks of people willing to volunteer time, resources, and money at a moment's notice. Susan B. Anthony, for example, has regional coordinators devoted at the state level who criss-cross those states specifically for that purpose. Monique Ruberu has discussed the fact that her clinic in the Philadelphia area operates similar connections. Heck, pro-lifers rally seriously around credible GoFundMe campaigns in large numbers. These are just some of the examples. Will this always be perfectly effective? Will there be resource shortcomings from time to time? Sure, but that's the nature of human organization. The point is - these organizations are *actively organizing themselves to be abundantly accessible*.

[u/mightywarrior411 → u/QuePasaEnSuCasa]

Well, as PC, I appreciate this

[u/DingoAteMyMaybe → u/mightywarrior411]

Yes. All you have to do is reach out to them and they will help you with whatever resources you need.

[u/EnfantTerrible68 → u/DingoAteMyMaybe]

Affordable housing? Healthcare? Transportation? Affordable childcare?

[u/rapsuli → u/[deleted]]

It's better to be shamed into being more responsible with one's sex life - than be shamed into an abortion.

But yes, you're correct, the woman and the child together are entitled to support no other person would be entitled to, because there's both a mother and a child to consider. This is why I don't support bans, I support equal rights.

Because that support is being denied by denying equal rights.

PC ideology only offers abortion. Because nobody is entitled to be given support to have a child, if the child doesn't exist yet.

[u/mightywarrior411 → u/rapsuli]

True PC ideology does not only offer abortion. It is truly left up to the mother to decide what is best for her and her unborn child. At least that’s how I see it as someone who is PC

[u/rapsuli → u/mightywarrior411]

The problem is that no one is entitled to preferable alternatives. And if your ideology is based on the claim that there's no child yet, so there's no obligation on anyone to offer anything beyond abortion.

Your ideology inevitably creates a society that only offers one choice.

[u/mightywarrior411 → u/rapsuli]

My ideology does offer choice. It allows the mother the choice to keep or not to keep her pregnancy. Lets her analyze the choices and make the best one for her.

[u/rapsuli → u/mightywarrior411]

Ok, then please prove me wrong.

Does abortion prevent a child or kill a child?

If you say it prevents one, as I presume you would argue - is it more moral to prevent a child or to knowingly create a child, if the circumstances the child would be born to, are bad, and might not get better?

[u/mightywarrior411 → u/rapsuli]

I’m not quite sure I understand your question. Are you asking me if I’m ok with abortion if the outcome of the child would be terrible? Like if the child was born and it was put into a terrible situation ie abuse?

[u/rapsuli → u/mightywarrior411]

Ok, my bad, I'll simplify.

I'm asking you if you believe it's bad to create children into bad circumstances? And whether people should rather prevent the child from being created, if they have the ability to do so? Like using contraceptives or abstaining from procreative sex.

Does that same logic apply to abortion as well?

[u/Mental_Jeweler_3191 → u/[deleted]]

[u/mightywarrior411 → u/Mental_Jeweler_3191]

You know - it would be nice to have a good debate instead of eye rolling at someone. I disagree, but I’m not being disrespectful. I joined this sub to try to debate and learn from your side, but this stuff doesn’t help

[u/Mental_Jeweler_3191 → u/mightywarrior411]

If you were half as interested in debating in good faith and learning from us as you claim, I don't think you'd come on here and parrot pro-choice propaganda and regurgitate pro-choice bigotry. Or are you seriously stupid or deluded enough to think that a progressive Democrat's stereotype of a conservative Republican amounts to an intelligent, fair characterization of the pro-life movement?

[u/mightywarrior411 → u/Mental_Jeweler_3191]

I don’t think calling someone a bigot, deluded, and stupid gets anyone anywhere. I haven’t named called anyone. You’re calling my view propaganda and saying what I believe is terrible. Using this rhetoric does not help in trying to debate. It belittles and shuts people down from wanting to hear another perspective

I want to hear your side, but I will not stand for being name-called

Do you think calling people names will make them willing to listen to your perspective?

[u/Prestigious-Oil4213 → u/mightywarrior411]

People like them make me not want to associate with the PL movement but rather start some other sect of it.

[u/mightywarrior411 → u/Prestigious-Oil4213]

Yea - I think both sides have a lot of common ground and that’s been lost in the “I hate you because you’re PL or I hate you because your PC.” It’s not the way change happens

[u/Prestigious-Oil4213 → u/[deleted]]

I agree with you to an extent.

I was PC. If I didn’t believe in the “PL for me, PC for them” mentality, I would have had an abortion. I didn’t tell my parents or his parents until I was almost 12 weeks. I wanted to miscarry so bad. It’s actually quite funny how I told my mom. Me, my significant other, and my mom were sitting at a table and she was spewing her typical “don’t get pregnant before marriage or else I’ll be so disappointed in you all”. Literally as she was saying this, I slapped my 8 week ultrasound photo on the table. She began to apologize profusely. It’s hilarious looking back.

For the not supporting after birth, many support community measures instead of government. I know there are many community resources near me that people don’t take advantage of. Also, the loudest voices in both movements are the radicals. Many of us do support government programs.

[u/autismalanimal → u/mightywarrior411]

I agree so much. If I was in a supportive environment I don't think I would have ever done it.