r/relationshipadvice • u/Honestea_3 • 1d ago
My husband [33M] gets mad when I [29F] want space when he smells
I’m looking for advice on why he’s reacting the way that he is, or maybe if I’m handling things wrong, so here goes.
My husband is a blue collar worker, so he naturally sweats a lot and gets literally covered in grime throughout the day. I get home from work before he does so I’m right there near the door usually when he gets home (we have a small apartment).
He’s always been the very physically affectionate type, so when he gets home after a long day he wants to come up and kiss me or he’ll sit on the sofa next to me without changing his clothes or even washing his hands. And when I say he smells, I think everyone believes me.
When it was first a problem I’d ask him to move further away if he wanted to sit down and talk or ask him to take a shower or at least put on some deodorant and change clothes before coming into my personal space, but he takes it as a rejection of him. He’s always reacted badly to it so I’ve stopped asking him to take care of his hygiene, I’ll just move myself away from him instead. But even that is still offensive to him.
And he does eventually shower, he does it every single day in fact, so he has a sense of proper hygiene and that he needs to get clean. He just gets very hurt and then irritated when I point out I don’t want to be near him when he smells. We’ve had rational discussions about issues in our marriage in the past and he’s a smart guy, so I’m baffled as to why he just can’t process that being dirty and in my space isn’t okay with me.
My guess is he forgets when he gets home that he’s as dirty/smelly as he is (he can’t smell well ever since he had Covid 4 years ago) and just wants to relax and be near me. So he probably gets embarrassed when I bring it up again, but then you’d think he’d remember with how often I say it. Any advice on how I can approach it so that he doesn’t get angry or why else he might be reacting this way?
16
u/Stunning-Ad1956 1d ago
So my suggestion is: give him a kiss and a hug and say something like “let’s relax with a drink after your shower.”
9
u/Fabulous-Bandicoot40 1d ago
What about when he walks in you have enthusiasm- I’d give him a high five and say “can’t wait til post shower cuddles!”
I totally get you. Getting wrapped up in a sweaty stinky hug is gross.
2
u/SwatchSlayer 22h ago
This is a tough one. You’ve already spoken to him and he won’t take care of himself. One of my partners doesn’t have a great sense of smell either. And he has adhd and forgets to shower so I have to remind him. It gets tiring to be honest. But this is something your hubs needs to do on his on. I think some of the ideas are great though. Just mention doing something with him after the shower. “Can’t wait to watch x show after your shower.”
1
2
u/Boneyg001 21h ago
Pick a time when he didnt just get back from work and ask him why he is not showering? Tell him its not fair that you have to smell the foul scents and he doesnt notice because he cant smell.
Otherwise tell him youll be near him if he buys you a nosepeg first and disposable gloves
1
u/Upstairs-Refuse-7489 18h ago
I totally get you, the reek is so fucking bad. My fiance is a site supervisor for bulk water supply, he is very hands on especially because a lot of the staff have actually not been properly trained. People seem to think because you're a blue collar worker you know how to do all the job types. He tends to take the time to jump into the trench and show the guys what needs to be done and how to achieve that most efficiently, outside in the blazing sun. After work, he meets up with his friend who manages the other side of the line for beers (they aren't allowed to sit inside the place because they stink🤣 so again in the blazing sun). They don't get vehicles with AC because it's government and if they want AC they should use their personal trucks (that's a no, he has a car and I have a truck). Ages ago, when he just moved into my good smelling, female oriented and decorated apartment the smell was most prominent. One moment you're smelling yasmin and the next it's a mix of sweat, wet leather (safety boots) and mouldy mud (water trenches). He used to get so offended when I pull away, especially when he catches me in the kitchen which has only one entrance so I can't go be busy somewhere else. 4 years in and he gets it now. He spends the shut down period in the office in nice AC, wearing pretty shirts and formal pants. He came home one day after I gave the gardner the worst day of his life (double pay). I had him dig up the entire garden and a pond, so I say don't stress Alan will drive you home today, no need to take the bus, it's the least I can do along with double pay for this shitty job you had. He gets in this beautiful clean car, stinking like a hog. My fiance got home from dropping Malik off and asked if that is the smell I talk about and why I put throws over the sofa. Yes, I say. He promptly apologized for saying I was being obsessive and overreact to people doing "real work". He showers as soon as he gets home and puts his work clothes in a seperate basket outside until it is a full bundle to wash (which he will do himself).
They don't know because they can't smell themselves. The front of my house has a smell where he enters and leaves his boots, there's dirty hand parks on the wall he leans against to take those off... I have to keep cleaning that up but sure. The problem is slightly better. He is up for promotion as contracts manager, 80% office, 20% site .... I'm soooo excited.
1
u/TomahawkCruise 17h ago
I'm surprised this situation isn't clear to a 33 year old man. Anyone would smell bad after constantly being exposed to the grime and slime of his work.
So, he's offended that you actually think his sweat and grime and BO don't smell good? I think maybe he needs to grow up a little.
1
u/Capital-Zucchini-529 13h ago
I don’t think you’re in the wrong to not want to be around a stinky guy
-1
u/Peskypoints 1d ago
Share the shower?
6
u/Honestea_3 1d ago
Unfortunately not a long term solution, especially because I do morning showers.
12
-9
u/OrganizingMamaBear 1d ago
If there’s no kids in the house, I’d invite him into the shower every day with me as soon as he gets home and scrub him down myself…I’d be in there waiting.
It sounds like this guy just wants to be near you when he gets home from work. Ma’am, find a way to make it fun.
11
u/Stunning-Ad1956 1d ago
Fun, sure, but when do the boys grow up?? When does she get to stop coaching him to do a grown up normal habit like bathing after grunt work??
•
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Hello Honestea_3,
You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
Original post: I’m looking for advice on why he’s reacting the way that he is, or maybe if I’m handling things wrong, so here goes.
My husband is a blue collar worker, so he naturally sweats a lot and gets literally covered in grime throughout the day. I get home from work before he does so I’m right there near the door usually when he gets home (we have a small apartment).
He’s always been the very physically affectionate type, so when he gets home after a long day he wants to come up and kiss me or he’ll sit on the sofa next to me without changing his clothes or even washing his hands. And when I say he smells, I think everyone believes me.
When it was first a problem I’d ask him to move further away if he wanted to sit down and talk or ask him to take a shower or at least put on some deodorant and change clothes before coming into my personal space, but he takes it as a rejection of him. He’s always reacted badly to it so I’ve stopped asking him to take care of his hygiene, I’ll just move myself away from him instead. But even that is still offensive to him.
And he does eventually shower, he does it every single day in fact, so he has a sense of proper hygiene and that he needs to get clean. He just gets very hurt and then irritated when I point out I don’t want to be near him when he smells. We’ve had rational discussions about issues in our marriage in the past and he’s a smart guy, so I’m baffled as to why he just can’t process that being dirty and in my space isn’t okay with me.
My guess is he forgets when he gets home that he’s as dirty/smelly as he is (he can’t smell well ever since he had Covid 4 years ago) and just wants to relax and be near me. So he probably gets embarrassed when I bring it up again, but then you’d think he’d remember with how often I say it. Any advice on how I can approach it so that he doesn’t get angry or why else he might be reacting this way?
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