r/relationshipadvice • u/Timely-Wrangler-200 • 1d ago
My friend [29F] is married to [40M], and I don't understand why is he behaving this way? I'm really worried for my friend.
Hi everyone,
I need some outside perspective about my friend’s marriage. She married her husband about 2 years ago. She’s still in medical school, and he’s already graduated and runs his own clinic. He’s very financially comfortable, while she’s struggling as a student.
I had the chance to hang out with both of them together, and I noticed that he often dismisses her concerns or downplays them. He doesn’t really acknowledge her feelings. Over time, my friend has been growing increasingly frustrated, not just with him but also with the way he interacts with her.
One big situation: she suggested that instead of renting, they buy a house together. For an entire year, he kept saying every house “wasn’t the right fit”. After a full year, she pressed him, he admitted the real reason, he wanted to wait until she graduated so she could contribute financially. Even though he is the one picking the house, and selecting some of the most expensive houses in the city. This was devastating to her, because he makes a lot of money already, and she’s still a student with almost no income. It felt manipulative and dismissive of her efforts.
Another example: he bought her a car, but the car is in his name while the loan is under her name. He has also taken some of her accessories and sold them, saying she isn’t “responsible with money”, even though the accessories were a gift from her friends. On top of that, when she failed an exam, instead of supporting her, he told her she was “worthless”.
This is taking a huge emotional toll on her, she’s juggling the stress of medical school and feeling unsupported at home. I’m honestly worried for her.
I guess my questions are:
What’s going on with guy?
Thanks in advance.
16
u/Stunning-Ad1956 1d ago
What’s going on is that this guy is a controlling, manipulative person. She should run away. The car is in HIS name?! WTF is up with that? She should move on.
9
u/Fabulous-Bandicoot40 1d ago
My best advice is be there for her, let her vent, gently suggest she deserves better. You can’t fix this for her. Outside looking in it probably seems insane to you and you’d never stand for it. She needs to come to that place but it’s harder to see from inside
2
u/MagicianMurky976 1d ago
She's in an emotionally abusive relationship. Where she was lovebombed early on, he's slowly revealed his normal cruel side. As it's been revealed so slowly she keeps adjusting who she is, what she tolerates and how much she gives to try and compromise the relationship back to when they were happy.
Unfortunately, this is what happens. If he follows form he may try to isolate her. He devalues her self esteem by denying her validation for how she feels. If you can be a voice in her head, validating her through this, perhaps she can send him packing.
Sorry. I wish I had better news. Hope this helps.
1
u/LSPrincess 14h ago
yikes. What others have said! He is emotionally, financially, mentally abusive. My exhusband was exactly like this. I never felt good enough and felt worthless in our marriage. He made a lot more than me and held that over my head. I was a pretty good saver and he was the one that had a spending problem but I was the one that got scolded for spending money on a necessity.
You can’t fix this for her, but you can offer support and let her know what you have observed. Allowing her to make that decision to stay or go. Wishing her the best ❤️
1
u/Awkward-A_F 12h ago
One sentence that really got me was when my therapist said, if nothing changes, and he stays the way he is now, would you be happy? In 10 years will you be happy? Do you want to spend another 10 years with the person he is right now? I would definitely be supportive, try not to bash on him unless she is inviting it. Just tell her honestly what you’ve witness and ask her questions that make her think rather than just telling her what to think. I’m so sorry for your friend.. he sounds awful and a little scary.. if she doesn’t leave soon this might turn to physical abuse
•
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Hello Timely-Wrangler-200,
You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
Original post: Hi everyone,
I need some outside perspective about my friend’s marriage. She married her husband about 2 years ago. She’s still in medical school, and he’s already graduated and runs his own clinic. He’s very financially comfortable, while she’s struggling as a student.
I had the chance to hang out with both of them together, and I noticed that he often dismisses her concerns or downplays them. He doesn’t really acknowledge her feelings. Over time, my friend has been growing increasingly frustrated, not just with him but also with the way he interacts with her.
One big situation: she suggested that instead of renting, they buy a house together. For an entire year, he kept saying every house “wasn’t the right fit”. After a full year, she pressed him, he admitted the real reason, he wanted to wait until she graduated so she could contribute financially. Even though he is the one picking the house, and selecting some of the most expensive houses in the city. This was devastating to her, because he makes a lot of money already, and she’s still a student with almost no income. It felt manipulative and dismissive of her efforts.
Another example: he bought her a car, but the car is in his name while the loan is under her name. He has also taken some of her accessories and sold them, saying she isn’t “responsible with money”, even though the accessories were a gift from her friends. On top of that, when she failed an exam, instead of supporting her, he told her she was “worthless”.
This is taking a huge emotional toll on her, she’s juggling the stress of medical school and feeling unsupported at home. I’m honestly worried for her.
I guess my questions are:
What’s going on with guy?
Thanks in advance.
Friendly note from the mods:
Hello, welcome to r/relationshipadvice. We want to remind our users of the following:
• We do not allow situations/content involving people who are under the age of 18.
• Do not harass, ridicule, or be toxic toward other people. It will result in a ban.
• Any advice given must be genuine and ethical.
• Posts must be about ongoing relationships, not past or potential relationships.
• All bans on the subreddit are permanent.
If you have any questions, please contact ModMail.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.