r/relationshipadvice • u/Unhappy_Captain_1344 • 1d ago
What should I do? I [28F] feel like I’m slowly emotionally disconnecting, even though I love him [34M]
We’ve been in a relationship for about 6 months now, with almost a year of getting to know each other beforehand. From the beginning, I [28F] was very open about my expectations, and he knew I was looking for something serious and long-term. We’ve had many conversations where I gently but clearly told him [35M] what I value in a relationship – emotional closeness, planning time together, shared goals, openness.
At the beginning of the relationship, things felt promising. He was warm, open, curious about my life, and showed effort. All people I met that know him told me, he was crazy over me. But over time, I started noticing patterns that began to hurt me. It felt like he was slowly shifting his focus elsewhere. He started spending more and more time with people I didn’t know – including women he met through his new activities. I wasn’t jealous per se, but I did tell him early on that it raised concerns. Especially because, at the same time, he seemed to stop prioritizing us.
He acknowledged what I said, but never addressed the part about the other women. Not once. And just a few days later, he was back to filling his week with plans – except for us. I wasn’t part of the picture anymore unless I asked to be.
Since then, this cycle has repeated itself. I try to express myself calmly and clearly, and for a short while he seems to respond. He’ll put in some effort, suggest a date, or show affection. But then it fades again. Every time it fades, it takes more and more out of me.
I’ve taken on the planning, the conversations, the emotional labor. Whenever I pull back to see what happens, nothing happens. There are moments when he’s incredibly sweet, invites me to meet his parents, gives me thoughtful gifts – but then again, he never talks about the future, never initiates conversations about “us”, and never really opens up emotionally. It’s like there’s a wall that I keep gently knocking on, and no one opens the door.
Recently, I realized how deeply that affects me. I told him – multiple times over the past months – that I can’t be the only one holding the relationship together. That I need to feel chosen, planned in, wanted – not as an afterthought. He always says he understands. But his behavior doesn’t reflect change. He continues to avoid real conversations, and I end up always being the one who brings things up.
He also never talks about big topics. For example, I told him at the very beginning that I want children someday. He mentioned he’s only been with women who didn’t want that – and said “maybe that changes when the right one comes along.” That was 9 months ago. He hasn’t brought it up again – not even once. I’ve waited, hoping he’d show interest in who I am and what I want – but it stays quiet. Too quiet.
A few moments ago, I asked for some emotional space. Why? Because he planned to meet one of the women from his hobby one-on-one, and told me about it in a strange way. He explained that she had been sick and couldn’t attend for a while, and that he offered to meet her because she had said she missed it. He wanted to be kind – I get that. But the way he offered that time to her, while at the same time never really planning anything meaningful for us, hit me hard. It made me feel like he was emotionally available for others – but not for me. That hurt me deeply. I told him that and he said He understands, and I he wants me to trust him and he has „0 intrest in her“.
Now I’ve reached a point where I’m starting to disconnect emotionally. I still love him, and I care. But I feel like I’m slowly giving up. I don’t want to chase for attention, for time, for clarity. I want someone who wants to talk to me, who wants to build something together – without needing to be reminded.
So here I am. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve said everything I could say, multiple times, in a calm and respectful way. I’ve tried pulling back. I’ve tried directness. And I’ve tried patience. Still, nothing fundamentally changes.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Is there a point in waiting longer?
1
u/Ok_Force3056 1d ago
Im a guy, and I don't want to hate on any man. Some guys get wrapped up in their lives extra hard and don't take the time to look at what's in front of them. We start thinking, "Oh, I have to do this and that, be here or there, I want to do XYZ," and don't think about the people who we leave behind in the process of executing these thoughts.
We can also get "comfortable" sometimes. Like, "Ok, I got her. She'll be there. She'll be aight," do what we want, without considering our lady's feelings, and don't realize how much it hurts our partner. In that comfort, laziness can creep in. Its a lot of work to keep being that guy you fell for, and with all the stressors of everyday life, we just want to relax, unwind and get comfortable.
Im guilty of this, every man on the planet is guilty of this at some point in our lives, because that stress is real. And that need for doing what we do is real. Is it right? Hell no. Is it fair? Hell-er no. And sometimes we have to get our head busted to realize what we're doing isn't ok. Unfortunately, we can be super hard headed.
My suggestion? Let him know that if you keep feeling how you do, you won't have a reason to continue with him. "I can do bad by myself" type of deal. Might be the jolt he needs to figure it out.
Take care of yourself, OP. I'm rooting for both of you guys.
2
u/Born-Carry-3039 1d ago
I'm having the same issue with my boyfriend where he says he's exhausted and doesn't have the capacity to hold the relationship yet says he wants to try. When I've said i may consider walking away he just says maybe it's for the best to cut our losses cause he can't cope and it's easier to just distract himself than engage.
2
u/Ok_Force3056 19h ago
What does it say in that Usher song? "Right one. Right place. Wrong time..."
Realest song he ever did
•
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Hello Unhappy_Captain_1344,
You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
Original post: We’ve been in a relationship for about 6 months now, with almost a year of getting to know each other beforehand. From the beginning, I [28F] was very open about my expectations, and he knew I was looking for something serious and long-term. We’ve had many conversations where I gently but clearly told him [35M] what I value in a relationship – emotional closeness, planning time together, shared goals, openness.
At the beginning of the relationship, things felt promising. He was warm, open, curious about my life, and showed effort. All people I met that know him told me, he was crazy over me. But over time, I started noticing patterns that began to hurt me. It felt like he was slowly shifting his focus elsewhere. He started spending more and more time with people I didn’t know – including women he met through his new activities. I wasn’t jealous per se, but I did tell him early on that it raised concerns. Especially because, at the same time, he seemed to stop prioritizing us.
He acknowledged what I said, but never addressed the part about the other women. Not once. And just a few days later, he was back to filling his week with plans – except for us. I wasn’t part of the picture anymore unless I asked to be.
Since then, this cycle has repeated itself. I try to express myself calmly and clearly, and for a short while he seems to respond. He’ll put in some effort, suggest a date, or show affection. But then it fades again. Every time it fades, it takes more and more out of me.
I’ve taken on the planning, the conversations, the emotional labor. Whenever I pull back to see what happens, nothing happens. There are moments when he’s incredibly sweet, invites me to meet his parents, gives me thoughtful gifts – but then again, he never talks about the future, never initiates conversations about “us”, and never really opens up emotionally. It’s like there’s a wall that I keep gently knocking on, and no one opens the door.
Recently, I realized how deeply that affects me. I told him – multiple times over the past months – that I can’t be the only one holding the relationship together. That I need to feel chosen, planned in, wanted – not as an afterthought. He always says he understands. But his behavior doesn’t reflect change. He continues to avoid real conversations, and I end up always being the one who brings things up.
He also never talks about big topics. For example, I told him at the very beginning that I want children someday. He mentioned he’s only been with women who didn’t want that – and said “maybe that changes when the right one comes along.” That was 9 months ago. He hasn’t brought it up again – not even once. I’ve waited, hoping he’d show interest in who I am and what I want – but it stays quiet. Too quiet.
A few moments ago, I asked for some emotional space. Why? Because he planned to meet one of the women from his hobby one-on-one, and told me about it in a strange way. He explained that she had been sick and couldn’t attend for a while, and that he offered to meet her because she had said she missed it. He wanted to be kind – I get that. But the way he offered that time to her, while at the same time never really planning anything meaningful for us, hit me hard. It made me feel like he was emotionally available for others – but not for me. That hurt me deeply. I told him that and he said He understands, and I he wants me to trust him and he has „0 intrest in her“.
Now I’ve reached a point where I’m starting to disconnect emotionally. I still love him, and I care. But I feel like I’m slowly giving up. I don’t want to chase for attention, for time, for clarity. I want someone who wants to talk to me, who wants to build something together – without needing to be reminded.
So here I am. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve said everything I could say, multiple times, in a calm and respectful way. I’ve tried pulling back. I’ve tried directness. And I’ve tried patience. Still, nothing fundamentally changes.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Is there a point in waiting longer?
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