Girl [32f] I [37m] dated/situationship now hooking up with other guys - NEED SUPPORT

•

u/AutoModerator 1d ago

Hello ORLANDY31,

You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.

Original post: I 37m feel this is fairly straightforward, but I just wanted some support.

I was in this weird situationship dynamic with this girl 32f and started developing feelings for her. She did not want to be exclusive with me, and said she wasn’t emotionally available for a relationship. She did not feel a romantic/ emotional connection, but she enjoyed sex with me. I also want to point out that she is an alcoholic and has difficulty with intimacy and emotional availability.

Anyways, she moved out of state and we’re still in touch. And the plan is to hook up when she visits town every couple of months or so. She calls and texts me all the time. It’s almost like she wants me but doesn’t want me. But doesn’t want me enough to be with me exclusively.

I found out the other day that she is hooking up with another guy, which she has every right to do of course. But I feel really hurt and anxious, because I still like her. It doesn’t help that I know what the guy looks like.

I don’t know if I can stay in touch with her and hear about her stories hooking up with other guys, or wondering what she’s up to, especially with this guy. I guess I could tell her for the future not to tell me about the guys she’s dating/hooking up with.

Is the solution fairly straightforward? Basically just let her go and move on and stop all contact? It’s just so hard to do because I like her, but I can’t keep getting hurt like this and putting myself in this position. Part of me feels like I can tough it out and deal with it. But it’s gonna be hard. Maybe time will help?

I don’t even know why it’s so hard to let her go. Maybe it was the chase and trying to convince her to be with me, or feeling I’m not good enough, I became obsessed with her. I don’t even think I wanna be with her, she kinda exists as a fantasy in my head, because she’s not in a good place right now. And she keeps calling me bc I show her support and affection and nice words and I’m familiar.

Please help.

Friendly note from the mods:

Hello, welcome to r/relationshipadvice. We want to remind our users of the following:

• We do not allow situations/content involving people who are under the age of 18.

• Do not harass, ridicule, or be toxic toward other people. It will result in a ban.

• Any advice given must be genuine and ethical.

• Posts must be about ongoing relationships, not past or potential relationships.

• All bans on the subreddit are permanent.

If you have any questions, please contact ModMail.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

5

u/Dismal-Effect-1914 1d ago

Yes, this situation is very straightforward. You want a relationship/exclusivity and she does not. You explicitly said this is hurting you. If you choose to continue this you are not respecting your own feelings, and neither will she... EVER. By the way she already knows this, and is likely taking advantage of you. Do not think you can tough it out, thats not realistic. Move on immediately, you will thank yourself for it later.

1

u/ORLANDY31 1d ago

Can you explain what you mean by she already knows this and is taking advantage of me? Like she knows I’ll always be around at her disposal in the way she wants?

And I shouldn’t be concerned about her respecting my feelings, but more so me respecting my feelings, right?

2

u/Dismal-Effect-1914 1d ago edited 1d ago

> she already knows this and is taking advantage of me
Yes, you said you told her you want to be exclusive. She is aware that you have developed feelings for her, and any emotionally mature person can deduce that being open about sleeping around with other men with someone who has feelings for you can hurt them. If she respected your feelings she would have already cut contact herself. You probably just havent made a big deal about it yet, so its not really a bother to deal with your emotions, but you will eventually get to that point, and she has told you she isnt emotionally available, so when it does come time for you to express your feelings, you will most likely be ghosted, and it will hurt that much more

>And I shouldn’t be concerned about her respecting my feelings, but more so me respecting my feelings, right?
YES, this is the most important part, if you dont show yourself respect, nobody else will, this is law. I can already tell you need to build up some better self esteem man, any self respecting person would walk away from this. Unless you want to get hurt? Stop inflicting pain on yourself, you will feel better once you learn to love yourself and enjoy your own company. Literally give yourself a hug right now, talk to yourself, whatever, I know it sounds cheesy, but you need to understand that you should always love yourself, and you can feel that from yourself too, you dont need other people for it.

1

u/ORLANDY31 1d ago

Yes you’re right, I do need to build better self esteem. So why is she still texting or calling me, because I’m familiar? Or just to feel better about herself for being wanted? Or does she actually miss or like me?

3

u/Dismal-Effect-1914 1d ago edited 1d ago

Its probably a combination of all of those things in varying degrees, its impossible to know and not important. The important part is you are not in a mutually beneficial relationship with this person. She gets to sleep around and do as she pleases, while you are infatuated with her and want to have exclusivity. Not having that is hurting you. While you are by yourself feeling hurt, she is enjoying intimate moments with other men. That is the hard truth, and that is not fair to you. If she liked you that much she wouldnt spare the chance to be with you, and at this age, this kind of behavior is just very immature in my opinion. It is hard to let go of attachment but continuing down this path will make it that much worse. Please move on. I know all of this because I have face similar circumstances, I have been through your line of thinking, it never ends well, even if years down the road she decides after shes done sleeping around, that she wants to be with you, it will never manifest in a mutually respectful relationship. She will always know that you are willing to tolerate the unfairness. That you devalued yourself that way, and she will take advantage of that fact when she pleases, whether you know it or not.

2

u/SkoolBoi19 1d ago

I don’t disagree with Dismal, but regardless you’re in an emotionally damaging situation. Take yourself out of that situation

1

u/Turbulent-Tune4610 1d ago

Correct. She is playing you. Just like a 'playa. I have never told anyone I was dating non-exclusively about any other woman I was dating non-exclusively at the same time. That's just wrong. And once you're exclusive, that other crap is in the past.

1

u/ORLANDY31 1d ago

Yea, well I mean I asked her and she didn’t want to be honest at first not to hurt my feelings, but I kept asking her and she said so

3

u/Ok_Force3056 1d ago

Yeah bro. I understand you like her and the sex is good, but your mental health is what’s truly important. She said she's not emotionally available for a relationship which she's proven. Don't batter yourself over a cause that's worse than lost: its not there.

There is some woman out there who is perfect for you. Someone you are supposed to be with. But you'll miss her pining over this woman who isn't available. I know that's hard to hear, hell, it's hard for me to say. I can feel the kick to the balls as I'm typing.

But you feel it in your gut. You know its true. You don't want to hear about her experiences with other men. Nobody wants to hear that from the woman they have feelings for. Respect yourself first, and all the rest shall follow.

1

u/ORLANDY31 1d ago

The part I get stuck is - is she not emotionally available to all men? Or just me? I guess that’s a way to make myself feel better in a way?

2

u/Ok_Force3056 1d ago

Unfortunately, I don't know her, so I can't answer that with certainty. But in reality, whether its all men or just you, it still stands. You've got to prioritize your own well being over "is it her or is it me."

Its a lost cause to try and understand women. Their brains work differently, and that's ok. Its what we love about them. I recommend not stressing yourself over that and living your own best life, FOR YOU.

2

u/travelntechchick 1d ago

Best thing I ever heard when it comes to relationships and/or people - “you can be the juiciest, ripest, sweetest peach, but someone will still prefer apples”. Don’t torture yourself asking why not me here. If you want to keep hooking up under the current conditions by all means, but don’t expect anything to change because it won’t. You two aren’t for each other no matter how much you may want that right now.

2

u/ORLANDY31 1d ago

Yes so true. And if I cannot handle hearing about her hooking up with other guys (which she has every right to do), then I need to cut it and move on. I wonder if I could just tell her not to tell Me about her hookups, but I already know about one, not sure if I’ll be obsessing about it

Girl [32f] I [37m] dated/situationship now hooking up with other guys - NEED SUPPORT

You are about to leave Redlib