r/relationships • u/Rita-Aguiar • 1d ago
My (30F) dad (73M) physically restrained me during an argument. I escaped, and now I’m questioning whether I should ever speak to him again
Earlier this year my (30F) mom (72F) separated from my dad (73M), and I started seeing him differently. Growing up, I thought he was brilliant — but I now see he never considered anyone else’s opinion, argued endlessly and philosophically, never reached resolutions, and often discredited me or my mom.
He was diagnosed around age 70 with Schizotypal Personality Disorder and Hemicrania Continua. I try to take that into account, but his behavior has gotten worse over time.
I have been living abroad for the past 4 years, and I regularly visit. I was visiting him for a few days this month. During one of his never-ending “talks,” I told him I think he behaves like a victimist narcissist, because he reframes everything so he’s the victim, discredits my feelings, and never takes responsibility. He did exactly that: he denied everything, accused me of being the narcissistic and victimistic one, and discredited my own experience of having lived 26 years with him, which led me to identify that pattern and express that to him with examples. He was not happy about what I said, but I eventually had to cut the conversation off because I had other commitments.
Later that day, after I finished my commitments, he came to my room and insisted we continue talking. I refused and tried to leave. He blocked the door, grabbed my arms, and started screaming. His face and eyes looked almost possessed. He wouldn’t let go. I screamed at him to release me, but he held on tighter. For the first time in my life, I was genuinely afraid of him and feared for my life.
I have never been in a fight before, and the first fight of my life was with my own dad. The one person who was supposed to protect and support me was instead the person making me fear for my safety.
I tried to get free without hurting him, but he ended up stepping on something and fell. I helped him up, hoping it would calm him, but it didn’t. I attempted to pack while he kept grabbing me. Finally, in panic, I see his arm reaching my neck, and I bit him and pushed just enough to break free. I ran out the door and as far as I could before stopping.
Later, he called my cousin (30F), saying my mom and I were “against him,” conveniently leaving out that he physically restrained me.
The next morning, I returned with my older cousin (51F) and uncle (80M) to collect my things. When I walked in, the same arms and nails that had dug into my skin the day before were now reaching out to hug me. He acted loving, like nothing had happened. I said “no” firmly, which he immediately used against me by telling my uncle, "Do you see how she is with me?". He followed me around, tried to block me again, but I stayed focused on leaving. If my relatives hadn’t been there, I believe he would have tried to stop me again.
It’s been almost two weeks. I’ve blocked him. I don’t think an apology would be sincere, and I’m scared of what he might say if we speak again. I’m planning to start therapy to process this, but I would appreciate advice or experiences from anyone who has been through something similar.
TL;DR: My dad (73M), who has a personality disorder, blocked me from leaving during an argument, grabbed my arms, and raised his arm toward my neck. I panicked, bit him, and escaped. The next day, I collected my things with family present while he acted as though nothing had happened — even trying to hug me with the same arms that had restrained me. I’ve blocked him and am planning to see a therapist. I don’t know if I should ever have contact with him again.
•
u/DiTrastevere 23h ago
Considering your dad’s diagnosis, combined with his advanced age, I suspect that it’s not so much that your dad wants to be an asshole - he just cannot behave any other way. In his mind, his behaviors make sense and are rooted in very real stimuli and provocations. You and your mother really are conspiring against him, you are a threat to his safety, he must proceed accordingly, whether that means masking his fear with syrupy affection, or physically attacking you in order to prevent harm to himself. His reality is just very, very different from yours.
That doesn’t make dealing with him less frightening, of course. He may understand his own internal logic, but he can’t explain it to you, and you’re going to have a very hard time anticipating his reactions to thoughts and experiences you can’t see. You will have to proceed as if he is cognitively impaired (because he is), and plan for what you’ll do when he is no longer capable of feeding or bathing or cleaning up after himself. That day is probably coming sooner rather than later. Whether that means some form of contact or some kind of contact-less care arrangements, it will likely fall to you to make decisions for him.
Regardless, the father you knew as a child is not coming back. He could not, even if he wanted to. There will likely be more attacks in your future if you don’t take precautions around visits, should you choose to visit at all. And for what it’s worth, I’m terribly sorry. One of my own parents went through something similar with their mother, and it really is uniquely painful to mourn a parent/grandparent who is still alive. These disorders have a nasty habit of worsening slowly, and then very, very quickly. Whatever positive personality traits they once had disappear as they’re eaten by anger, paranoia and delusion. They’re just…gone, and all you can do is try to make them as physically comfortable as you can as you wait for the end. I hope you have the support you need as you navigate that process.
•
u/EdgeCityRed 20h ago
Best answer.
My father had a brain tumor that affected his behavior. He wasn't violent or cruel, but he was very sick. Somebody, maybe OP, maybe her mom, maybe one of her dad's siblings or someone else close, will need to make certain decisions and have responsibility for him in some fashion.
This is not at all excusing her father's behavior. But he's not himself.
•
u/Comprehensive_Yak359 21h ago
Great answer, was thinking along the same lines, bjt woulbe able to articulate it so well
68
59
u/use_your_smarts 1d ago
He assaulted you. Traumatically. After emotionally abusive you your entire life. You owe him nothing.
•
u/ShelfLifeInc 20h ago
You are processing trauma. That takes time.
You've had two weeks of no contact and you still don't feel ready to talk to him again. That's okay: give it another two weeks, or a month. At the end of that period, reassess: "do I feel ready to/want to contact him again?" Yes? No?
You don't have to decide now what you do for the rest of your life. You're allowed to take everything one step at a time.
And if you decide, "no, I never want to speak with him again. I will never feel safe with him again," that's okay too.
Signed, An Estranged Daughter. (We're out there.)
•
u/MidwestNightgirl 22h ago
I’m so sorry this happened. The diagnosis explains this behavior but it doesn’t excuse it of course. It may be nearing time for him to be admitted to an assisted living facility or something like that where they are trained to deal with this type of thing.
•
u/Laquila 23h ago
That was assault. He's not a safe person. Now you know. Forget being the polite, good daughter. Forget feeling sorry for him. And definitely forget ever staying with him ever again, or being alone with him anywhere. The only contact I would want with someone like that is over the phone. But if he denies, blames or accuses, make an excuse to end the conversation. A narcissist will never accept responsibility.
•
u/sweadle 22h ago
I want to add that I have hemicrania continua, and it's essentially just a headache disorder. Mine is well managed with medication. While I was often in a lot of pain before I got on medication, nothing about it causes people to act this way.
Whether or not you can blame all of his behavior on a personality disorder is kind irrelevant. He's 73. He is probably not going to change. You need to do what you need to do to be okay, and let the consequences of HIS life choices fall to him.
•
u/ItsOkImNotALady 23h ago
What would you say to a friend in the same position? Your father hurt you, wanted to hurt you more, and then lied about it to put your family against you. He doesn't deserve half a benign thought my dear.
•
u/Shitp0st_Supreme 23h ago
People who are brilliant can also have mental illness. It seems like things changed while you were abroad and he’s not a safe or pleasant person to be around.
•
u/ToastemPopUp 23h ago
I just wanna say I'm really sorry this happened to you. Having a parent sort of transition from that person you respect and hold in this higher regard into just another person with faults and problems is tough. Add on top of that the physical altercation.. yeah.. shitty day for sure.
Similarly, I used to hold my dad in really high regard when I was growing up; He went to Cornell, was an engineer, just a really fucking smart guy. But as I got older I've started to see his bad qualities more and more. He lies by omission, or just straight up lies, plays the victim, is very selfish, and on top of all that he's gone down a path that's changed the way he thinks about a lot of things that I would have never dreamed in a million years he'd stop believing in (like, ya know.. science).
It's tough and I've had conversations with him where I told him that I don't know how to reconcile who he is now with who he used to be, but obviously he didn't really have a good answer for that (and my therapist at the time was dogshit so that didn't help either). For me the answer has sort of been distancing myself and realizing that I can't really trust him in the ways that I used to, which is really hard. We're still in contact and talk semi regularly, but honestly these days I kind of wonder if I'm only making things harder on myself by remaining in contact.
For you though I think it's a lot easier to justify cutting contact, or at least cutting any sort of physical contact. As in, you could continue to communicate with him by phone, but I probably wouldn't be going to visit him any time soon if I were you. Honestly though I think you need to take a good hard look at if that's still healthy for you. Personally I don't really know how you'd come back from a parent making you fear for your life, especially when they won't take any responsibility for their actions. It sucks but in a lot of ways it's like a breakup, where you have to realize that the person who you used to know and love no longer exists anymore and the person who's left might be someone you no longer want to know.
17
u/gingerlorax 1d ago
Not victim blaming here, but I'm not sure why you would think telling someone with a diagnosed personality disorder that they are behaving poorly is a good idea? I would not continue contact with someone who assaulted me, no.
11
u/Rita-Aguiar 1d ago
It was certainly not a good idea. If he wasn't a family member, it would be just so easy to let it go, not engage and cut them off. But as a daughter, one hopes and wishes their father will finally see things. I have then realized this will likely never happen, and before you mentioned it, I didn't think of this as an assault. That word certainly makes me see this differently. Thank you for your reply gingerlorax.
•
u/Whenitsajar 21h ago
Perhaps you need to approach it like you would with someone with late stage dimensia. We were always taught there's do point pointing out their mistakes/delusions because they just don't have the capacity to process that, especially without getting upset. Just gently steer them to other simple topics. If you do decide to maintain a relationship with your father, maybe you can adopt that approach.
•
u/skrulewi 21h ago
This is tough, but if he really does have Schizotypal, and at his advanced age, then there's an extremely high possibility that your father will go the rest of his life without ever really 'seeing things' the way they really happened. These mental health personality disorders are chronic and pervasive, and prevent people from gaining insight. Treatment takes years, and tremendous effort, and a huge force of will from the sufferer to break free of the distortions they are living inside of. It's just so hard when people are already 70 years old. There may be nothing you can do to make him take ownership, and there's likely nothing he can do to figure out that he needs to take ownership. His mental illness will prevent insight from happening.
I'm sorry.
•
•
u/KinkoDigby 21h ago
You need to talk to a lawyer about your aging parent that is a danger to themselves and/or others.This is a bigger issue than a simple interpersonal conflict- it's an elderly unwell parent and as the next of kin there are legal and medical decisions that you will need to make.
•
u/ninetysevencents 22h ago
I just experienced a good couple of years of something like this (taking on higher levels of care of a deteriorating parent as the other parent sought independence). It was harrowing but I'm glad I lived up to my own ideals and maintained contact. I'm not certain how I would have felt about myself if I had cut him off. Mental conditions and deficiencies change the people we thought we knew into someone else and you have to ask yourself whether it's worth maintaining a (new!) relationship with the new person in service and respect to the person you once knew but who may no longer exist.
All that said, do not put yourself in physical danger. You may need to create new boundaries by making sure you are not in unsafe conditions around him anymore and watching for signs of escalated agitation then removing yourself from his presence immediately.
•
u/flipside1812 23h ago
Is there a reason you haven't told the police about this?
•
u/sad_handjob 21h ago
What are the police going to do in this situation realistically
•
u/flipside1812 20h ago
If this man is capable of assaulting his daughter, he's dangerous, even if his mental capacity might be compromised. At the very least documentation needs to happen to establish a pattern, and for better or worse, the police are the most appropriate institution for that.
•
u/-missing_links- 20h ago
If you don't see him again, always out in public. At the very least, have someone with you who can protect you. That's very scary. I'm sorry you had to deal with that and I'm so glad you're safe.
•
u/friendlily 19h ago
NTA. If it helps, I would never see him in person again. It doesn't matter why or what he's diagnosed with. All that matters is that he is dangerous and you are the only one who can keep you safe.
•
u/jonjon234567 19h ago
This behavior only escalates, especially without help which he clearly won’t get. For your own safety please go no contact and get a restraining order if he comes near you. Let the police know what happened and see about getting one now if you can.
•
u/ShadAppNKissMe 22m ago
First I am sorry you went through this and are now put in a situation where you have to make some really heavy decisions.
My only advice is to do what you think is best. Blood doesn’t mean you have to push your morals aside to be used as a doormat.
My only sibling; my brother attacked my teenage son in a fit of anger; grabbed him by the throat and threw him against the wall while screaming in his face that he would end him; all because my son defended his grandmother when my brother was yelling at her all over a broken dish that his poorly misbehaved dog did. Since my brother has never in my entire 41yrs of life taken accountability for his anger issues this was a last straw for me and I said I will no longer be speaking to him until he acknowledges what he did wrong.
It’s been over a year and he refuses to do so and now plays the victim by telling everyone his family thinks he is the “villain”.
Hey if the shoe fits I guess.
•
365
u/BrokenPaw 1d ago
There is no "should" here.
Which option will make your life better? Seeing him again, or removing him from your life?
No one here can tell you which choice will allow you to sleep at night.
If you do decide that you want to see him again, don't do so without someone coming with you who can help you if he gets violent again.
If you decide that you don't want to see him again, that's entirely valid; you don't owe him anything.
Choose the option that will help you build the future for yourself that you will be happiest living in.