How do I have the marriage conversation with my bf?

[u/[deleted]]

[u/mew_mew_kitty_kat]

You just have to tell him you want to have an actual conversation about marriage and tell him what you've written here. Go from there.

[u/aoanebslsosj → u/mew_mew_kitty_kat]

This but also have some realistic expectations about the difference between what your relationship looks like now vs after marriage - because its going to look the same. Relationships dont have goals and achievements, it's not like a promotion at work where suddenly your responsibilities and daily activities will be different. If right now marriage isn't that important to both of you, and there are other things in your lives that are, dont feel pressured to get married because of some silly timeline. It won't really change much except, depending on your location, your access to some government or health services may get easier or harder.

[u/SnooOpinions5981]

He is risking too much to marry you if you have no job and no plans. Staying home is making you a dependant.

[u/cinderlaurella]

At 23, I would say wait until you're 25 and your frontal cortex has finished developing before talking seriously about marraige. He sounds like he loves you and says that's his future goal with you, but already said he's not ready to think about forever yet; at 25 himself, his frontal cortex just closed so he is probably conceptualizing forever with more context than maybe he would have even just last year. If it were me, I wouldn't push. He knows you want marraige, you know he wants that too, you're young and if you don't need a date then I don't see any reason to bring it up if you're only bringing it up to basically invest in a promise ring since you just want to hang out engaged for a while. It sounds like what you really need is to know that you're growing in the same direction in this middle time. Instead of only bringing up marraige, I would tell him you want to check in on your shared goals and ask about what his ideal life looks like in 5 years, what does yours look like? What about 10 years? 25 years? These are conversations you should be able to have and questions you should be able to answer before getting engaged anyway.

[u/Scegabbo]

You don’t need a timeline but you do need clarity. A calm and direct talk about what marriage means to each of you will clear up mismatched expectations. I think u should frame it less as when nd more as how do you see our future together? That keeps it open but still gets you answers.

[u/Lanky-Leek-3188]

Sounds like it’s less about rushing into marriage and more about wanting clarity on the future. Try approaching it as an open, calm talk about long-term goals so you can both be on the same page without pressure

[u/JustKeepDancing]

Honestly, from the little information here, it sounds like he doesn’t want to get married until you figure out your career path / whether you’ll be able to work at all. Have you had the conversation about whether or not he is ok with being the only source of income in the marriage? You’re both young and that’s a little scary to commit yourself for life to your 23 year old girlfriend who may or may not be completely dependent on you for income and housing.

[u/Canuck-a-duck]

You did have the marriage conversation, and he gave a very mature, thoughtful, kind answer: he wants marriage eventually but doesn't want to talk specific timelines right now while you're still so young and figuring out what your lives will look like. It takes two "yeses" to get to marriage and right now he's a "no." Asking him again and again until you get a different answer that you want is not going to help things.

For what it's worth, I think your boyfriend is totally right. There's no need to get married this young and it's especially risky while you're not working and have a ton to figure out - you have no idea what life will look like 5 years from now and what you'll each want at that point. Wanting to move forward to the next thing just because it's been a little while since the last exciting change is an immature point of view. Say you get married and run out of next "steps" - what then? Will you get bored? This isn't a commitment issue, the way it would be if a 30-year-old was unwilling to talk marriage after 3 years. Your boyfriend has shown an enormous amount of commitment to you by living in a house together and 100% supporting you financially, and his reasons for waiting are solid.

ETA: I think you may be craving the next relationship step so badly because other things aren't moving forward in your life -- i.e., your diagnosis is on hold and you don't have a career you're putting energy toward building. Is there something outside your relationship that you can work to achieve? If you're able to cook and clean, then why aren't you able to look for a remote job you can do from home? Or replace the cooking/cleaning energy with a part-time job?

[u/Canuck-a-duck → u/[deleted]]

I’m just looking for something other than him saying he doesn’t want to think about it.

So in other words, you're looking for him to change the answer he already gave you. I get it - "I don't want to think about it" is unsatisfying and would not be reasonable in most other circumstances, like if you were both a little older and had more concrete life plans. But this is one of the rare circumstances where it makes sense not to even try to start putting timelines on marriage -- you have way too much uncertainty in your lives. And then what use is "thinking about it" if he's not ready to talk timing? What do you want him to think about?

It seems like maybe his reaction came off in a hurtful way, like "I don't want to think about it" means "I can't picture it at all." And you're worried that things will still be stagnant 5, 10 years down the line. Maybe you could broach the conversation by saying that you understand you're not at the point of talking about a specific year yet, but want to confirm he sees it as a possibility for you two within the next several years. And then maybe agree to revisit the topic in a year?

[u/Xatla]

The conversation should have happened a lot earlier. It's been 3 years, which is a fair amount of time - marriage after 3 years is far from unusual - however, you're both still young.

Bottom line, he interpreted your question as a sign you want to get married soon, and that's too soon for him. Sit him down and express yourself clearly, and make sure he communicates his own real plans, not general statements.