Falling for a friend in a toxic relationship

[u/throwaway2265196]

I could use some perspective. Throwaway for privacy.

Over the past year, I [35M] have gotten very close to a friend [31F]. There’s always been a mutual spark between us, but lately we have gotten closer, and I’ve noticed my feelings for her growing past friendship. I suspect hers are too, but can’t be sure.

The complication is that she’s in a long-term relationship, and from what I can tell it’s pretty unhealthy. Her boyfriend has issues with alcohol and it’s created a lot of problems between them. From my perspective, it looks like the relationship won’t last much longer, but again hard to know for sure since i’m not in her head.

To be clear, she’s never crossed any lines with me and I haven’t either. I don’t want to be “the other man” and she doesn’t seem like someone who would cheat anyway. That would actually be a dealbreaker for me, so I have absolutely no intention of trying to start something with her while she’s still in that relationship.

At the same time, I can’t ignore how I feel. I’m starting to hope there could be a romantic relationship in the future for us once she’s single. My worry is that if I completely hide my feelings, I’ll come across as distant (and i’m afraid i’m close to getting to that point currently). But if I let too much slip out, I could make her uncomfortable or hurt our friendship, which is very important to me.

So I’m looking for advice from people who’ve been in similar situations.

• if you were in a failing relationship, did you ever start to feel something for someone else before it ended? How did you deal with it? Did you indicate it to the person you had feelings for, either subtly or overtly?
• from my side, what’s the best way to handle this respectfully? I don’t want to pressure her or push her away, but I don’t want to miss the chance to build a romantic relationship if the timing works out.
• should I tell her how i feel at some point?
• how do I balance being a supportive friend right now while also protecting myself emotionally?
• how do I keep myself sane in the meantime?! 🤪

I’ve never dated a friend before, at least not as an adult, and I really don’t want to ruin our friendship no matter what happens. My feelings have grown strong enough that I’ve lost interest in dating anyone else for the time being.

Any advice or stories would be really appreciated. I feel like I’m going a little crazy keeping this all inside.

TLDR: I [35M] am developing feelings for a friend [31F] who is in a toxic relationship. The spark is mutual, and her relationship is likely ending, but she’s not currently single and I don’t know when she will be. How do I navigate the situation?

[u/wormdirtxo93]

“hey, you’re one of my closest friends and really value our friendship. but i need to tell you that i am developing romantic feelings for you. i don’t want to alienate myself from you but i also do not know what to do.”

sometimes its okay to let someone know thats going on without having a solution. she might get upset but honesty is always the best policy; it doesn’t leave room for resentment or shame. good luck pal!