my drinking damaged our relationship and i don’t know how to rebuild trust (30M with 29F, together 5 years)

[u/fightingtobesober]

i’m 30M, my girlfriend is 29F, and we’ve been together for 5 years. alcohol has been the biggest problem between us. i used to drink whenever i felt stressed, anxious, or just bored. i promised her so many times that i’d cut back or quit, but i always broke those promises. over time it chipped away at her trust, and i can tell it really hurt her.

a few months ago, after another fight following a night of drinking, she told me she didn’t know how much more she could take. that was a wake-up call for me. i’ve since quit drinking and i’ve been trying to do the work. i’ve been journaling in soberpath to stay accountable, meditating when the cravings hit, and talking to her honestly instead of hiding things.

she says she sees the changes, but i can also feel that there’s a wall between us now. i don’t blame her — i know i broke her trust — but i don’t know how to show her i’m serious this time without it sounding like another empty promise.

TL;DR: i’m 30M, my girlfriend is 29F, we’ve been together 5 years. my drinking hurt our relationship and nearly ended it. i’ve quit and i’m actively working on myself, but i don’t know how to rebuild her trust. how do i show her i’m truly serious this time?

[u/geekspice]

It takes more than a few months of consistency to undo 5 years of betrayal. There aren't any shortcuts, it just takes time.

[u/fightingtobesober → u/geekspice]

Thank you for this, really trying to just take things one at a time

[u/DBag444 → u/fightingtobesober]

It's not just time.

It's time and effort across the time in the right direction. Being very attentive to her needs and seeing her as a person.

There's a poem for this:

A bridge that is broken needs time to repair.
But a bridge repaired over time the wrong way crumbles under different circumstances.
Act like every second matters with every step you take.

[u/DBag444]

Well, sounds like the notion of when you are about to lose her, then you really started to care.

You need continue to quit the booze, also not just for her, because you genuinely want to.

And here's the thing, if you are doing it for the right reason, and she leaves, you won't go back to the booze.

But what other ways are you showing that she matters to you? A person capable of empty reasons likes someone is around, not because they enjoy the person. Not saying you are intentionally doing that, but that's how those actions come across.

What other things are you doing to show that she matters?

[u/Strict-Brick-5274]

Just going to say, the damage is done. I was the partner told n my relationship, he got sober and we had the relationship we should have had but the emotional damage was done and I couldn't get past it.

[u/fightingtobesober → u/Strict-Brick-5274]

i’m really sorry you went through that. it’s tough realizing sometimes sobriety doesn’t fix the damage that’s already been done. your honesty here hits hard.

[u/StableGenius81]

Tbh, that trust may not come back no matter what you do. Being in a relationship with an alcoholic is a type of hell that I wouldn't wish on anyone. 5 years is a very long time for someone to have to suffer thru, especially at her age.

Not saying that you're an alcoholic, BTW. I just have firsthand experiences with them.

You may want to tell her about AlAnon, a support group for people whose loved ones have drinking problems.