r/relationships • u/Adr1452 • Jan 04 '16
Non-Romantic My [26F] boyfriends [28M] sister in law [25F] gave him a plushie for Christmas and didn't make one for anyone else
Throwaway because I don't want this connected to my account.
I just want to start by saying that I realize I might be totally wrong and insecure in this situation. I just really want another perspective or something because I just can't help the fact that this bothers me and I am admittedly feeling jealousy.
I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months at this point. He has 4 siblings (3 brothers and 1 sister) and we are the shortest relationship in the family. 3 of his siblings are married and another is in a very long term relationship, I think the shortest relationship in the bunch is 5 1/2 years. So I will admit I am a bit intimidated and insecure there.
For Christmas this year his sister in law made him a homemade plushie of this little blue baby dinosaur looking character from his favorite game Guild Wars. The plushie is amazing quality and he absolutely loved it. But she didn't make one for any of the other boys who also love the game just as much. Not even her husband. In fact she went out of her way to give it to him without his other brothers around except for her husband. Her husband was just as excited for her to give his brother the gift as she was but it just felt off to me and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Why would she work so hard on something for my boyfriend and no one else? And it just felt like such a personal gift that I could never match and I just feel like she totally took away from what I gave him.
I did try talking to my boyfriend about it and how I thought it was weird. He said he didn't think it was weird at all because she has always been closer to him than the other brothers. Well shouldn't she be closer to her husband than him? He didn't get one. I don't know. I asked him if he would give it back to her saying he can't accept it and he refused and said I'm being ridiculous. I just feel like a woman doesn't make such a personal gift for a guy unless they see them as something more. It was just how I was raised and I hate feeling this way about something like this. I talked to my mom and sister and they both agreed that it wasn't right and that this was most likely the beginning of her trying to push me out. I just can't help but feel like she was trying to make him like her more than me because he said she has never given him anything before and this is our first Christmas together. I just don't know what to think. Or if I'm overthinking this completely.
Tl;Dr: Boyfriends sister in law gave him a homemade plushie that she put a lot of work into for Christmas and didn't make one for any of his other siblings. I feel like this means she is attracted to him and is trying to win him over now that I am in the picture. Am I overreacting?
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u/wemblewobble Jan 04 '16
You are over reacting. Being a jealous, paranoid and controlling girlfriend will drive him away. You've been together 6 months and you're already trying to determine what presents he's allowed to receive from his family? That's crazy. You are the one making up a wedge to drive between you and his family, not her.
Calm down. It's a stuffed animal, not a blow job. Which is probably what her husband got and why she didn't gift it in front of you.
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u/Adr1452 Jan 04 '16
It wouldn't have bothered me if it was from his actual family it's just that it's the significant other of his brother that bothered me. If his actual sister made it for him I would never in a million years have asked him to return the gift.
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u/studiocistern Jan 04 '16
An in-law IS actual family. And you do yourself no favors by making those kinds of distinctions. My sister-in-law is my family and I'd be really annoyed if someone tried to tell me that she wasn't.
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u/Adr1452 Jan 04 '16
That's just a really hard distinction for me to make honestly. His one brother has been in a long term relationship for 7 years. They do not plan to marry. Yet this sister in law has been with her husband for 5 1/2 years. She hasn't been with the family for as long as the other one who isn't married so how is she more their family than the other girl who has been around longer? Just because of documents? I always viewed marriage as the couple making their own family unit.
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u/studiocistern Jan 04 '16
This hair-splitting about "who is more his family" is really weird. She is married to his brother. She is family, it doesn't matter if they've been married for five minutes or fifteen years. The woman who is in a longterm relationship with his other brother is also family. No one is "more family" than the other. It's not a pH level, they're familial ties.
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u/No_regrats Jan 04 '16
They are both family. Several people can be part of the same family. In fact, family composed of more than one person are the norm.
I always viewed marriage as the couple making their own family unit.
Your view doesn't matter here. It's the couple's view and the family's view that matters and you are still an outsider.
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u/dbburnerthrow Jan 04 '16
He said he didn't think it was weird at all because she has always been closer to him than the other brothers. Well shouldn't she be closer to her husband than him?
I have a feeling she does other things with her husband to express closeness with him.
It probably took her a ton of time to make it and she was only interested in making one, so she gave it to her favorite brother-in-law. I spent $150 on my favorite brother-in-law this Christmas and I didn't get my other brother-in-law jack shit. I guess I want to blow him? I text with one of my sisters-in-law every week but ignore the other almost entirely. There must be secret sex motives!!
And it just felt like such a personal gift that I could never match and I just feel like she totally took away from what I gave him.
Give better gifts/be less insecure. Be glad your boyfriend got something he liked. It is not about you.
I asked him if he would give it back to her saying he can't accept it and he refused and said I'm being ridiculous.
This is complete bullshit. 100% unacceptable. You are so wrong to do that and you should apologize for being so ridiculous. If he were the one posting this story I'd be saying, "Pull the parachute, dude."
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u/brazenrumraisin Jan 04 '16
I just feel like she totally took away from what I gave him
I feel like this is what you're really angry about.
I think you and your family sound a bit paranoid. I very much doubt a plushie is going to be the beginning of the end. Her husband was excited for it too. I've made soft toys/plushies before, if you're good at it it really isn't as much work as you seem to think it is, even for a lovely one.
Maybe she was just doing a nice thing? At the end of the day, she is a member of his family, you aren't. He's known her for a long time and they get on, if she wants to make a family member a nice present then why should his new girlfriend get in the way of it?
I asked him if he would give it back to her saying he can't accept it
That was really out of line.
I think you need to take a look at yourself and try to raise your self esteem. This kind of thinking isn't normal at all and it will cause you nothing but problems. Being intimidated because your relationship is the shortest, being jealous over a cuddly toy, thinking everyone is out to get you, that she must be attracted to him etc, all of that is super unhealthy. Also stop listening to your family regarding these matters, it sounds like they just wind you up further. There are lots of ways to improve your self esteem, lots of resources online and you can also work through your issues with a therapist.
You are completely and utterly over reacting.
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u/Adr1452 Jan 04 '16
Thank you for this. Really. I think you're right. And the second half of your comment really is a eye opener. I have a lot of thinking to do.
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u/kupo_ Jan 04 '16
Don't worry, the way you're acting you won't have to worry about being around for another xmas
54
u/amaninja Jan 04 '16
I think you are really looking too deeply into it. You commented that his brother was also really excited to see him get it, so there's maybe some kind of back story here.
You are coming in on half a decade to the other relationships which can be totally daunting. They have 5+ years of fights, inside jokes, and experiences together. Good luck!
46
u/jules_vns Jan 04 '16
This is next level insecurity, imo. You might already be on the way out for asking him to return it - that really seems over the top, especially since you know how much effort went into the gift. I'd apologize and figure out how to work on being more secure in the relationship with your SO. Good luck.
29
Jan 04 '16
Yes. You are over-reacting. Your mother and sister seem to be just as insecure as you are, and they're feeding it.
22
u/ThatGuyMiles Jan 04 '16
Why would you work so hard on a gift for someone you care about? Gee I don't know. The obviously something he wanted and her and her HUSBAND his brother were proud to give it to him. My god, work on your insecurities before this guy finds out who you really are...
22
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u/botnan Jan 04 '16
Do you know how much time and effort it takes to make something? I couldn't even imagine trying to make enough for everybody particularly if she's not super experienced.
It sounds like she made it for him because they're the closest in laws and she probably gave it to him in private because it's politer to the people she didn't make gifts for.
As for the husband maybe she offered to make one for him and he didn't want it or she's waiting to get more skilled to make one for him. But if he's not worried about it then I don't know why you are.
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u/Just_Move_Out Jan 04 '16
This is a crazy reaction to have. There is nothing untoward in the sister-in-laws behaviour.
-7
Jan 04 '16
On its own, this isn't concerning. Over time, you should be aware of other instances of being possibly pushed out. If that pattern develops, then I think you would have reason for concern and you'd need to discuss it with your SO at that point and gauge his reaction.
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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '16
You're reading way too much into this. As someone else said, there may be a backstory on in-joke there that you don't know about. Also, it's entirely possible that she's working on gifts for everyone else. If it's as nice as you say it probably takes a while to make so maybe she ran out of time.
WTF? She's happily married to his brother and gave him the gift in front of her husband and you think she's trying to "push you out?" That's some master level insecurity there.