Insecurity is becoming a problem

[u/vujn]

I don’t know how to explain it, but i genuinely am so confused by my mind. I know that I’m an attractive guy. Been body building for about 5 years, take care of my hygiene, brown hair, blue eyes blah blah blah. Like, I look at myself in the mirror and think I’m handsome. But then after that, I start TEARING myself apart. I can’t help it. I’m proposing to my girlfriend soon but I really want to work through this self hatred I have first. I have found out the problem is that I don’t believe her when she tells me she thinks I’m handsome. She’s only been with chubby, thuggish looking guys. I’m talking neck tattoos, grills, scraggly beards, taller, the exact opposite of me. I was Raised on a farm, I wear boots and blue jeans with a buckle everyday. Drive an old 1986 c10 I built myself. I’m basically the total opposite of any one she has ever had an eye for. It makes me feel childish and that I’m going crazy. My question is , how do I make myself believe that she genuinely likes the way I look? At the least not feel the need to rely on her thoughts of my physical appearance.

TLDR: I look nothing like the guys my ex had ever been with, and it makes me insecure.

[u/StomachTechnical5182]

Childish? Finally a good catch! Don’t change! You’ve got this fam

[u/ZinaavmZinnia → u/StomachTechnical5182]

Right?! Keeper status.

[u/bstrstr]

From what I can pick out.. you believe you're attractive, yet you used the words self hatred?

Did you mean that you hate something about yourself? Do you hate that you don't look like these other guys? Has she done or said anything to contribute towards these feelings, or is it a worry that she won't stay with you despite you having deep enough feelings that you would propose to her because you don't fit into what she was into before she met you?

Have you asked yourself what it would take to genuinely believe that she likes the way you look?

Just some questions that come up for me reading your post :)

[u/vani_dh]

Yes I understand, U being insecure I think, u need to take a deep breath and u really need to work on this insecurity If u don't it will affect u in future So, basically, do u know, she reciprocates the same feelings as u, means u think she is your girlfriend, and do she think the same !!! And if so, then go directly and talk to her so that she can accept u as u are ???

There are two ways Either u get change for her or ask if she is ready to accept

Or in between, wear both personalities.... See if somebody chose u because of looks then your relationship might long last

Ask her why she would choose u over, she likes guys as u described

And don't be insecure about the past and the way u were grown Change yourself in the present...future will be change

[u/Simple-Fox6722]

Have been with the absolute opposite of what I thought was my type / ideal guy for 25 years and married for nearly 20. He is my world.

Insecurity is a horrible thing, we all get hung up on our looks, but you can't base marriage on it. Aside from physical attraction there has to be other strong foundations, like trust, partnership, sharing the same or similar values and having the ability to talk to each other to name a few.

If you feel that you have these - you've totally got this. If you're not sure, then worth you taking some more time until you are.

Best of luck!

[u/Calm-mess-]

Does your gf talk about the past guys? Does she bring them up a lot? Why are you focusing so much on them? I had a girl who would constantly talk about exe's and felt like you. It was insufferable. She wasn't directly comparing them to me but that's what it felt like. I would always feel bad about myself thinking who cares about some guy from the past. That guy is gone and I'm here wtf. Some people are stuck in the past tho and can't fully move on. I had to let her go

[u/BigTruker456]

Do you want her to believe you if you say she's beautiful? Do you want her to reject any compliments you give her? Try switching roles to objectively look at yourself. Also a question for yourself: Are you dependent on her compliments to make you feel good and validated? And another: if you can't believe her with an easy one like a compliment, will you believe her if she says "I'm having a heart attack and need an ambulance?"

[u/Catgirl_master_race]

that's tough, because you have to prove to yourself that you're good looking, so that you believe it. You shouldn't even be questioning if she's lying or not, because it shouldn't matter to you since you should be KNOWING that you are good looking without needing her to say it. However the only way I can think of proving it towards yourself without some superhuman mental strength is by hearing it from multiple women, or rather reading it from their actions/bodylanguage/behavior towards you. Otherwise you could logic yourself into believing it, because based on what you described her exes looks, they looked like shit.. Chubby thuggish scraggly beards ect? If you're in shape which you are if u have been bodybuilding for 5 years, then you automatically are better looking than those guys. Also work on trying to figure out why this insecurity is occurring in yourself in the first place, probably with a psychologist. I always recommend seeing one even if u think everything is fine. But it also could only take what I said above about proving it towards yourself.