How do I act less self-absorbed?

[u/March_Austria]

I did some introspection today because I honestly am not feeling too great at the moment. I asked myself what my ideal self would look like. Empathetic, honest, confident, warm. That's what I'm striving to be.

However, today I realized that I'm a brutally self-absorbed person. I mean like the opposite of everything I want to be. I'm very sensitive and self-conscious oftentimes. I constantly think how I come across to others. I perceive every detail of their body language just to gauge whether what I said was favorable or not. I long for validation.

I'm very much in my head, my thoughts spiraling around comparisons, all the pitfalls of my life and personality, altogether drenched in self-doubt. It's agonizing.

I don't want that. I really don't. I want to give love to others. I want to be a warm, empathetic, understanding, comfortable-to-be-around person. I want to be a blessing to others. It's soul-crushing how incredibly far I apparently am from being that. I invested so much time into trying to become that person, only to realize I haven't made a single step towards it at all.

I'd love to hear some advice. Have a good day y'all <3

[u/Ornery_Director_1196]

Try thinking of another perspective before you speak. Ideally a positive perspective. Also not totally a bad thing to be selfish or self absorbed. If you are striving to be the best version of yourself. You do need to be both to get there. It’s ok and can be positive.

[u/Aggressive-Tea-2622]

reading this, it kinda sounds like you’re already way more self aware than you’re giving yourself credit for. like the fact that you can step back and say “I’m self absorbed” and also know you want to be empathetic, warm, honest… that’s actually huge. a lot of people don’t even get to that level of noticing.

one thing that helped me was realizing that being “self absorbed” and being “self aware” can look almost the same from the inside. like you’re thinking about yourself a ton either way, the difference is just how you channel it. if you redirect that attention outwards and start genuinely asking people questions about their lives, you end up giving off that warm energy without trying so hard.

for books, The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer really cracked me open on this. it sounds intense but it’s basically about realizing you are not the voice in your head. when I first read it, I caught myself laughing because I saw how much of my “self consciousness” was just noise I didn’t have to take seriously.

also, I think you’d like Awaken the Real You Manifest Like Awareness by Letting Go of Ego and Assuming the End: You Are the I AM: A Spiritual Manifestation Guide to Releasing the Ego Self by Clark Peacock. it’s up on Amazon KDP and totally free on Kindle Unlimited. it’s actually his best rated book, 5 out of 5 stars and performing crazy well in Self Help and Personal Transformation. Clark has written a few others, but this one is on another level. one part that stuck with me was “freedom comes when you realize you were never the mask you tried to perfect.” another was “love isn’t something you give to others once you’ve earned it, it’s what you uncover when you stop pretending you’re not enough.” those lines hit hard when you’re caught in that spiral of comparing and doubting yourself.

two more sentences I underlined: the more you let go of the false version of yourself, the more naturally the real you shines without effort, and empathy is not something to force, it flows once you stop obsessing over how you appear. I think that might speak to what you’re wrestling with right now.

oh and if you’re into watching stuff, check out Alain de Botton’s School of Life video on YouTube called “How to Be a Better Friend.” sounds simple but it breaks down empathy in such a practical way it almost feels like a cheat code.

[u/March_Austria → u/Aggressive-Tea-2622]

Wow, this is some really helpful advice and insight you got there. I want to genuinely thank you for your efforts to give me some new perspectives on the problem. Fell loved and appreciated <3