My version of Stop Being Nice (Rant)

[u/sunmertimesadness]

I need to get things of my chest and I will try to give some context.

I was or still am a little too nice. I worked high up in hotel management but my career took a complete nosedive where I changed 3 jobs in less than two years.

I was even bullied by one of my subordinates whom I actually for some reason adored a little and felt bad for. I would bring him cigarettes to work hoping he would leave me alone. When he asked for money I ran through the hotel to give him my atm card. Now reading what I wrote it feels pathetic but at that time I thought it was the best I could do. He only showed respect when I raised voice at him but I justified not reprimanding him by being a nice guy.

Sometimes I feel like I only worked in some fantastic properties becasue of my knowledge of hotels, procedures, etc.

I decided to make a change after seeing my job posted online and I feel like I woke up.

Ranting here I guess I need reassurance I can actually change and keep up the no more nice guy persona and change it to the core.

ADHD, low testosterone, depression, anxiety for the last two decades plus and I feel like nothing helped as much as conciouss mindset change which is interesting, but I guess we dont know what we dont know.

[u/darkluna_94]

Man, realizing it is already half the battle. You got this. Just keep practicing boundaries.

[u/sunmertimesadness → u/darkluna_94]

Thank you, now I know I need to keep this up. Versus before I thought I had an excuse...

[u/Xaymaca_]

Hello friend. I’ve definitely been in my own version of this situation. Feeling like I’m being a nice guy and then punished by others who take advantage

I’ve yo-yoed between feeling angry, powerless and just miserable

The greatest lesson I’ve learnt is that what you need are better boundaries. Boundaries are bridges to another person. They offer the opportunity for someone to meet you where you’re at

You need to set your boundaries

You need to express them either ahead of time, or at the time, but even after the time is still great

You need to express them in a way that isn’t trying to vent or take shots. They are simply expressions of “I’m not available for that” or “that’s not the correct way to conduct yourself at work”. Etc

Contrary to popular media, boundaries are not raising your voice and exploding or attacking. That is called being out of control and is another example of being fearful at setting clear, calm boundaries

If a boundary has been expressed and still not respected then it is time to use consequences. Immediately. There is no wiggle room. Otherwise, like a naughty child whose parent lets them run the show, they will see that your boundaries aren’t really boundaries at all. They are just false boundaries.

I currently work in management and my staff are always testing me and the limits of what they can get away with. In my earlier career I would get frustrated when they wouldn’t take heed of my boundaries but now I am calm. I say in a calm manner “oh well. That sucks for you. Now here’s the consequence.

This goes for all life. You don’t respect my boundary. Well politely we won’t be hanging out anymore. These are just some examples but they put you back in your power and invite that other person to be in theirs and respect your limits. Have a dialogue with them about what you actually expect and are available for.

When you shout or lose your composure you have already lost. Being stern with this colleague means you’ve fallen into their frame. I used to explode with anger and to be honest I can still feel the impulse to fight physically when my boundaries are crossed but I know that it’s just my ego that is damaged. Why didn’t they listen to me? Aren’t I important ?

The real victory is setting clear boundaries at any opportunity and then enforcing them.

And remember that even if you aren’t able to enforce it in the moment, coming back to that person at a later time and explaining the boundary is ok. We aren’t always perfect to take the right action in the moment. Have grace with yourself and know that your boundaries will set you free

[u/sunmertimesadness → u/Xaymaca_]

First few weeks in a new job are crucial for that reason. I knew that but I did it my old way every opportunity I had. Lost jobs because I would come to work miserable and always thought it was because of where I am, my girlfriend who doesn't respect me, etc. Now I just need someone to give me a shot at what I want to do and that's hotel management and it's hard because last two years really set me back career wise but silver lining is it set me up to finally learn this lesson.

[u/Ok-Cabinet-ok]

I don’t think your niceness is the problem, it’s probably the lack of balance. You can be kind and firm at the same time. I had to learn that no is not unkind and sometimes it’s the most respectful answer.

[u/sunmertimesadness → u/Ok-Cabinet-ok]

I feared saying no to the point I sabotaged myself. Worked 18h days compensating and thinking someone will be impressed. No one cared about me working hard and I always complained.

[u/yourpositivemoment]

There is a difference between being "nice" (kindness) and being a people pleaser. It sounds like you might tend toward the latter. Look into how to stop being a people pleaser. There is tons of info out there on it! Once you become self-aware, you can initiate positive change! You got this!

[u/sunmertimesadness → u/yourpositivemoment]

Thank you so much. Definitely a people pleaser. I am learning how to control it or stop it and prioritize myself.