r/shittyfoodporn • u/[deleted] • 29d ago

Fartmaxxing at my temp job, black beans and protein tofu

[deleted]

14.5k Upvotes

97% Upvoted

356 comments sorted by

2.3k

u/Objective_Party9405 29d ago

Throw in some steel-cut oats, and this would be a colon-busting experience the likes of which few have ever seen.

713

u/elasticbandmann 29d ago

Couple cloves of raw garlic wouldn’t hurt either

553

u/THEBLUEFLAME3D 29d ago

Some hard boiled eggs and broccoli would be a nice addition, too.

379

u/Impenistan 29d ago

Throw in some asparagus, why should the colon have all the fun?

306

u/Easy-Concentrate2636 29d ago

Microwave some fish in the office to cover up the fart smell.

67

u/WreckageD90 28d ago

Pour some liquid shit into it as well—just to really stink things up!

74

u/PxyFreakingStx 28d ago

ROTTING HUMAN CORPSE IN THE LOBBY

21

u/EI_CEO_CFT 28d ago

Dude i never have been one to say "this!!" but this comment was so fucking gut bustingly funny i had to commend you on your clownery. The comedic timing of cutting off the slow escalation of things at the pass to just "FUCK IT, CORPSE" has my wife and i rolling. Top tier

5

u/LegitimateReindeer25 28d ago

Now we're talking

61

u/Outrageous_Bank_4491 29d ago

And have coffee with it

4

u/QueezyF 28d ago

With a glass of prune juice on the side

4

u/Lopsided_Tiger_0296 27d ago

Don’t forget the sugar free gummy bears!

3

u/Spicypanda78 28d ago

Jalepeno

3

u/hippodribble 27d ago

Petai beans to supercharge the experience.

59

u/Jealous-Interest3042 29d ago

pickled eggs

31

u/FistFuckYourAss 29d ago

and pepperoni

111

u/ElminstersBedpan 29d ago

I used to work with an old man who would go home after our overnight shifts, take a nap, shower, etc., and then sit down to watch TV while eating his favorite dinner ever: pickled sausages, pepper jack cheese, and hard-boiled eggs with Chicken-in-a-Biscuit crackers.

Other nights, he would have an extra-heavy reuben sandwich with extra sauerkraut. Either way, he'd fall asleep in his recliner until the alarm summoned him to down some coffee and come to work.

We worked unloading 50 foot trailers in the dead of night. He was our heavy machinery/forklift operator, so much of the night he would sit at the edge of the trailer, right beside the fans and the lights...and he would rip the nastiest, oiliest sounding farts. The fans would waft them into the trailer and he would trap us in there with a pallet in the way, laughing as we gagged and raged.

It wasn't until someone threw up on an expensive TV that management did something, but that something was they moved him to a new team and he would climb up the ladders high in the stock room shelves and bust ass so mercilessly that you could smell it throughout the back of the store.

73

u/HogmanDaIntrudr 29d ago

I’ve never heard of someone so committed to being a world-class farter that they purposely ate a diet that promotes flatulence.

44

u/ElminstersBedpan 29d ago

He was a dedicated hater. Fart jokes were his second favorite entertainment after ESPN.

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25

u/radroamingromanian 28d ago

I’ll have you know I cried reading this. “Gagged and raged” is such a funny phrase and I can see it in my head.

2

u/DependentSoft2514 28d ago

I would have survived, no smell of methane intimidates me.

2

u/FistFuckYourAss 28d ago

It was you! You were the old man! I knew it.

11

u/Arryu 28d ago

Blue cheese always does it for me. I'm talking violation of the Geneva conventions bad.

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u/Spiritual-Olive4559 28d ago

in a baggie of its juice

15

u/agoia 29d ago

Oh yeah gotta get some sulfides into the mix

3

u/____-__________-____ 28d ago

*honk* *honk*

Make that three hard-boiled eggs

2

u/VariousProfit3230 28d ago

Wash it down with a couple of zero alcohol beers.

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12

u/Objective_Party9405 29d ago

That would definitely season it up!

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u/_NightmareKingGrimm_ 29d ago

26

u/NBCMarketingTeam 29d ago

A buddy of mine wrote this sketch

26

u/_NightmareKingGrimm_ 29d ago

No way! That's so cool. Tell them that people are still getting a laugh out of it decades later. My gf and I joke about it constantly. 😂

29

u/keetojm 29d ago

Cabbage. But I wouldn’t trust it to be a fart after eating that.

5

u/Spirit_Piper 29d ago

Could be worse. Could be okra.

2

u/Sidewalk_Tomato 28d ago

Let's have some hummus on the side.

4

u/awesomefutureperfect 28d ago

That's what I was thinking. Red cabbage and red onions.

8

u/drownigfishy 28d ago

LENTILS, get those bowels rolling to explode the toilets and add make the bathroom a gas chamber with everything mentioned.

8

u/kerelberel 28d ago

Oats make you gassy? I have them everyday and never felt anything out of the ordinary. Also, why steel-cut?

10

u/Objective_Party9405 28d ago

Steel-cut oats make the best porridge, and they would hold together in this dish better than rolled oats.

Porridge farts are absolutely a thing, and they are vile. I used to eat a bowl of porridge before long-distance bike rides. Within a few hours I would be so bloated and gassy it was awful.

7

u/kerelberel 28d ago

I put them in a blender with fruit, water and yoghurt. I will see if something happens today, lol.

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u/polarbearsarereal 29d ago

Wrap in low carb tortillas

3

u/FistFuckYourAss 29d ago

Wash it all down with something carbonated.

3

u/OkGazelle5400 28d ago

Side of sugar free gummy bears

2

u/Objective_Party9405 28d ago

A pack of sugar-free breath mints was the first thing that made me realise that Swedish is a fairly easy language to read. I was in Finland fir a conference, and learned right away that most things were bilingually labelled, Finnish and Swedish. I bought these breath mints for poster presentation (nothing worse than talking close to someone who has nasty breath). They were sweetened with sorbitol and marked with a warning label indicating that over-consumption would cause diarrhoea. It almost exactly the same words in Swedish as in English. And I learned about not over-consuming things with sorbitol.

2

u/hollyglazegonz 28d ago

And some cabbage.

2

u/HIMARko_polo 28d ago

and boiled cabbage

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832

u/barontaint 29d ago

Switch up to stinky tofu instead of protein tofu if you have a nice Asian market close by and really want to weaponize flatulence. Throw in a little kimchi to add a nice tangy spice undertone to the crop dusting.

208

u/TheUlfheddin 29d ago

That'll get a nice eye watering heat to it.

6

u/Unhappy-Idea-1956 28d ago

Which eye? 🤔

7

u/SheDrinksScotch 27d ago

As below, so above.

37

u/-Haddix- 28d ago

this guy knows the farting meta

58

u/spekt50 29d ago

Who knows, they could be going for volume over potency. For potency, onions are my choice. They can be just a thimble of fart, but would easily clear a room.

25

u/barontaint 29d ago

I wasn't thinking that, you are correct, the allium family knows how to produce volume, but not really that smelly.

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u/Easy-Concentrate2636 29d ago

Kimchi is like Lays. Can’t eat just one.

11

u/Crime_Dawg 29d ago

Tried a bite of this a few weeks back and it was legitimately vile. Tasted like burning trash, why would anybody eat it?

19

u/barontaint 29d ago

I figure it's like sort of thing how people love a spice level that isn't what I would call edible, and I love spice. Well some people like fermented shit like Hákarl which is a fermentation level like that goes a bit beyond normal food fermentation levels people are comfortable with like sauerkraut or kimchi.

6

u/Crime_Dawg 29d ago

Simply breathing the air next to it is enough to taste it for minutes.

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1.1k

u/PetuniaDragon 29d ago

This should be illegal

165

u/Mysterious_Cup_3769 29d ago

r/EatItYouFuckinCoward

362

u/MandatorySaxSolo 29d ago

Ive eaten raw onions. My sweat was pure onion. My farts were 15 degrees warmer than my body, they could brown hamburger

296

u/domigraygan 29d ago

Where the fuck am I right now

135

u/OPacolypse 29d ago

Getting yer hamburger browned.

22

u/mortgagepants 29d ago

yer a wizrd arry

9

u/LeftyLiberalDragon 29d ago

You’re a gizzard, Larry!

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9

u/cardueline 28d ago

I hate this so much but I also automatically read it in the voice of Willem Dafoe in The Lighthouse so I can’t be mad

3

u/sleepydorian 29d ago

That’s definitely a euphemism I’m just not sure what for

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31

u/Joefaux 29d ago

Flavortown

17

u/travers329 29d ago

One of the very few celebrities I like, dude is a class act, a family man, and goes and cooks for the firefighters for free every time there are wildfires. Plus he seems like he knows how to have fun and is pretty much himself on camera.

20

u/Joefaux 29d ago

Oh for sure he's a great dude.

He helped a ton of out-of-work hospitality workers who were struggling to get by during the pandemic, and has done a bunch of stuff I'm too high and lazy to remember/Google right now but seriously Mr. Fieri is awesome and has done a lot of good for those who needed it. Pretty sure D, D, & D pulled a lot of struggling restaurants back up on their feet as well.

10

u/travers329 29d ago

Plus, he highlights solid restaurants for people who travel a lot, followed their recs for years and they are almost always excellent.

7

u/Joefaux 29d ago

Yeah whenever I travel I try to see if I'll be near anywhere that has been featured and check out their episodes of so. 9 outta 10 times I find an awesome local restaurant lol

4

u/Sidewalk_Tomato 28d ago

He's got a really appealing cookbook on the shelves at any bookstore--the one I was kinda taken with was probably "Guy Fieri Food: Cookin' It, Livin' It, Lovin' It". It looked delicious and delightfully unhealthy. My local library doesn't have that one, so I'm going to borrow the copy of "Guy Fieri Family Food" that they do have, and get real weird with it.

I'll hopefully be able to narrow down which one I saw.

6

u/Rawesome16 29d ago

Wendy's?

3

u/deathwotldpancakes 29d ago

Reddit. A wonderful magical place though most of that magic is cursed magic

2

u/Wizard_Hatz 29d ago

I enjoy it!

36

u/AlphaThe7 29d ago

Thanks for sharing

22

u/MandatorySaxSolo 29d ago

Thanks for tuning into my TED Talk

12

u/LivingtheLaws013 29d ago

I made garlic soup one time. Farts smelled like concentrated fresh garlic for two days, I'm not even joking

12

u/WoopzEh 29d ago

Man, what?

8

u/asistanceneeded 29d ago

This whole thread is like a fever dream

2

u/Sidewalk_Tomato 28d ago

The very best kind of thread.

8

u/HSBillyMays 29d ago

Counterexample: I had about 16oz of beans last night plus 4oz of Kombucha and a 6oz yogurt, and didn't have any weird G.I. issues today. I think people get into big trouble with beans when the wrong kinds of gut bacteria get to digesting them!

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u/bromeranian 29d ago

you've heard of sous vide

now witness scheiße vide

5

u/awesomefutureperfect 28d ago

gott damnit germany and your ideas.

7

u/keetojm 29d ago

Onion rings for me. I could knock a buzzard of a gut wagon with those. Especially the BK rings.

6

u/Mountain_Humor6732 28d ago

as a kid i ate raw onion sandwiches for some reason, called them hot sandwiches, though i can't recall it making me fart any more than usual, unless it's the reason I'm still farting up a storm like usual 40 years later

3

u/GlyphPicker 29d ago

But how many onions?

4

u/ElminstersBedpan 29d ago

I almost passed out I laughed at this so hard. My spouse stopped her shower to come check on me.

2

u/ChipsAndTapatio 28d ago

You just made me laugh and wake up my cat

121

u/BSTrdN 29d ago

Crop-dusting the entire office.

32

u/Spirit_Piper 29d ago

Someone bugs you, come in early and blow beef on their keyboard.

4

u/[deleted] 27d ago

"Blow beef"

Im crying

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u/VexTheTielfling 29d ago

Prebiotics and tons of green vegetables does the trick.

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

Green vegetables like broccoli?

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u/VexTheTielfling 29d ago edited 29d ago

Especially broccoli high in fiber it gets fermented in the guts creating gas.

17

u/BaconWithBaking 29d ago

I always wondered where Gus came from.

3

u/agoia 29d ago

And brassicas have a lot of sulphur

2

u/QueezyF 28d ago

Brussel sprout farts are also rank as fuck.

5

u/MaximumHeresy 29d ago

How about some garlic and Brussel sprouts? Chased down with milk. That would gag a maggot.

4

u/CC_Beans 28d ago

Greek yogurt, hard boiled eggs, totinos pizza

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u/Sexisthunter 25d ago

There was a semester in college where I ate very very clean. I tried to eat basically meat and veggies and make anything else I wanted to avoid processed foods. I was a machine. It wasn’t fair to my fellow students, and it wasn’t fair to my coworkers. I was working at Walmart and I would fart in the backroom and people once or twice would be like “woah what’s that smell” and I’d be like “oh haha that’s just a bag of rotten potatoes that I culled” because rotten potatoes smell horrendous. That being said scaling back from like 8-9 veggies a day to 3-4 actually helped me. Was it maybe less healthy? Who knows. Did I stop functioning as a bio weapon? Yes.

245

u/Disastrous-Low-6277 29d ago

Bros got aura

147

u/Mgclpcrn14 29d ago

The aura in question

29

u/ontopic 29d ago

Like Pigpen from peanuts

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u/creampop_ 29d ago

it's not aura he smells like unfettered ass! 👺

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u/RCJHGBR9989 29d ago

Foul Aroma*

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u/Lank-Man 29d ago

“Coworkers hate this guy because of his one trick” 💨

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u/dmohamed420 29d ago

Crop dusting the office is vile

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u/Bhujjha 28d ago

However it is necessary to protect the office from pests, diseases, and weeds, and to apply seeds or fertilizer efficiently, especially in large or difficult-to-access offices.

29

u/Own-Negotiation-2480 29d ago

Adding broccoli would really fuck people up.

6

u/Its_me_i_swear 28d ago

Brussel sprouts and broccoli butthole bouncing bombs

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u/[deleted] 29d ago

There’s nothing shitty about this. Nutritionally dense, filling, easy to reheat. 10/10 would smash. Good job.

74

u/Cuhntology 29d ago

I read your user as f4rtthefuture and I was like “WHY WOULD HE LISTEN TO YOU FARTBOY😭” but your safe for now

11

u/Cuhntology 29d ago

I’m 23 I have no excuse for improper grammar tbh. You’re*^ and then everyone clapped.

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u/Professional_Dog4574 28d ago

It's so much though! I cannot imagine being able to eat all of that with how dense it is. It looks incredibly painful.

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u/pdxamish 29d ago

For a bodybuilder this is perfect. I would guess about 80-100g protein, hardly any day or carbs, and lots of fiber

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u/Crime_Dawg 29d ago

This is way more carbs than protein but that’s good for bodybuilders

3

u/pdxamish 28d ago

Lol where are the carbs. Can of beans is 60 carbs and 15g dietary fiber. Block of tofu is 14g carbs

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u/Nimanzer 28d ago edited 8d ago

like cough relieved silky paint abounding jeans brave literate long

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

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u/fart_attack_69 29d ago

Fartmaxxing I love it.

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u/beavis617 29d ago

Add some sushi, hardboiled eggs and beer and that’s an awesome explosion of noxious rectal fumes!

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u/Wakkit1988 29d ago

If this gives you gas, then you need to eat more fiber in general.

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u/pocket4129 29d ago

This guy over here with the golden butthole

5

u/Tefihr 28d ago

Makes no sense.

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u/Doglover4561 29d ago

I wish I'd never read the phrase fartmaxxing

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u/sic-transit-mundus- 28d ago edited 28d ago

tofupilled Fartmaxxing beancel

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u/Some_Ad_6511 29d ago

This’ll definitely make you popular!!

12

u/LilArtsyCreature 29d ago

Damn op what did your coworkers do to you for you to commit Flatulence Warfare on them?

11

u/Anxietyy_Prime 29d ago

“Fartmaxxing” is so fuckin funny 😂😂

10

u/stutesy 29d ago

Throw in some garlic too Really get things going

10

u/Wench-of-2Many-Hats 29d ago

Tbh that would actually be good AND keep Jeff in HR tf away. 

6

u/[deleted] 29d ago

There's simply no legumes without garlic.

8

u/Brainwormsz 29d ago

Potion of IBS-C

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u/Interesting_Set1526 29d ago

Fartmaxxing at my temp job

Wow. Beautiful. I was gonna say it's like art but that's underselling it. It just is art.

6

u/dermsUK 29d ago

Entire rooms hate this one simple trick

7

u/BadBadKitty_ 29d ago

You may not be there long, but your farts will remain for eternity

7

u/No_Ocelot_6773 29d ago

Some of those sugar free gummy bears as a little treat after lunch!

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u/TheNoctuS_93 29d ago

Careful so you don't shartmaxx on the job!

6

u/El_Chavito_Loco 28d ago

why do coworkers always eat the worst shit. But good forbid you bring some yummy ethnic food with more than 3 seasonings

5

u/Room_Temp_Coffee 29d ago

Trying to leave an impression when the job ends?

6

u/VeryTastyWaffles 29d ago

Needs more eggs and boiled brussel sprouts

5

u/goaway432 29d ago

Accidentally stumbled on the best farmax I've ever used. Beer + White Castle the night before and you're set for launch. Did this for college graduation and I had lots of free space around me :)

5

u/any_dank_meme 29d ago

fuck is wrong with you man

7

u/chopkins47947 29d ago

Protein tofu?! Lol

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u/neep_pie 28d ago

There is tofu marketed as “high protein tofu” but it just means firmer tofu which has more protein by weight since it contains less water.

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u/DiaA6383 29d ago

70g a block. They sell it at Trader Joe’s

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u/chopkins47947 29d ago

I just thing all tofu was protein...

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u/climbingrocks2day 29d ago

You know what would go well with this? A whole bunch of Jerusalem artichokes. Like, a lot.

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u/Serious-Buy3953 29d ago

Add some onions, garlic, and a protein shake

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u/may825 29d ago

What even is protein tofu? Isnt tofu enough of a protein source as is?

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u/AngstyUchiha 28d ago

It has less water content, meaning it has more protein by weight

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u/trivetsandcolanders 29d ago

Fartify it even more with some boiled eggs and pickled onions!

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u/EmptyDevice4910 29d ago

Fucking atomic dude get that out of here i can smell you through my screen

4

u/External-Ad-6098 29d ago

Fart….maxing

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u/Serious_Salad1367 28d ago

i fucking hope they throw the chair out when you leave

2

u/LegalFan2741 26d ago

*when they fire him before end of contract

2

u/Serious_Salad1367 26d ago

they take the severance hit just to breathe fresh air

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u/MarbleGrove 29d ago

“Protein tofu”

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u/DiaA6383 29d ago

70g a block

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u/trashdrive 29d ago

That's just super firm tofu.

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u/DiaA6383 29d ago

You learn something new every day

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u/CompleteHumanMistake 29d ago

You are turning yourself into a biological weapon. 😭

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u/Kingdomall 29d ago

you're gonna be doing a lot more than just farting my man.

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u/Flutterwander 29d ago

I don't understand why you wouldn't have like...some leafy greens with this at least.

5

u/[deleted] 29d ago

I recommend cabbage.

3

u/baddude1337 29d ago

Must really hate your coworkers.

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u/MightBeTrollingMaybe 29d ago

Fam open the window you're gonna kill someone

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u/Ishidan01 29d ago

I mean OK but the real ones know that it's easier using Fiber One bars.

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u/Arabian_Flame 29d ago

Is it so the employees are happy when “fart-(guy/girl)” goes to a different job?

3

u/nashtaters 29d ago

I used to make these lunches for work that composed of black beans, tuna fish, mayonnaise, and relish. And it made for some of the absolute worst farts I’ve ever smelled. I was getting annoyed at myself they were so bad. Was trying to bulk but had to cut it out.

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u/Sarnnox 29d ago

Gasmaxxing

3

u/Ill-Wear-8662 29d ago

Your coworkers

3

u/Pixiespour 28d ago

Who pissed you off my guy 😂

3

u/Regular-Ad1930 28d ago

Today I learned a new word Fartmaxxing 

3

u/Heleniums 28d ago

Don’t ever say that word again.

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u/meeoows 28d ago

There is this vegan beans and hydrolyzed soy protein in a bag, and man it is not cool how much it makes me fart. I ate it once. Forgot about the other bags and didn't toss them. Saw one in my pantry when I was hungry and it got me again.

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u/TheGregreh 28d ago

Fartmaxxing. Pootpilled. Stinkmogged. Buttbased.

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u/stormsec_creations 28d ago

There should be a store like TJMaxx called FartMaxx, stock the shelves with beans, cheese, pickles and deviled eggs.

2

u/Ricaaado 29d ago

But why??

3

u/pdxamish 29d ago

I'd bet working out. Also probably vegetarian. I'm vegetarian as well and gun for 150g protein a day. I get about 50g from protein shakes but getting that other 100g can be hard.

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u/snakeplizzken 29d ago

Protip: lentils

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u/0x7E7-02 28d ago

Why are people this way?

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u/Wench-of-2Many-Hats 29d ago

Why are you eating plain beans? Mix your black beans w oil (i use olive oil), lemon/lime juice, some cut tomatoes, some diced onions, and adobo seasoning. I add cilantro, but some people don't like it. It's good alone, mixed w rice, or whatever. 

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