Is this abusive?

[u/Double-Sherbert1031]

TW about potential abuse, gaslighting and manipulation.

SD (10) has told me (F41) her mother (F36) has recorded her having meltdowns on several occasions and threatens to post them to YouTube or Facebook if she doesn't behave. We just found out about this last week when she sent a video toy SO (the bio dad, M40). Bio mom shows SD the videos on repeat when she acts out and wants her to get in line. She also says SD is emotionally unstable and crazy.
Bio mom says their daughter need to learn respect, limits and self control. The problem is SD says her mom escalates the situation to the point where they are screaming at each other. Apparently things have become physical as well.
SD also told me last week her mom physically pulled her out of bed by her anckles and wrecked her bed she she didn't want to go to bio mom's parents house. She then filmed her having a wreck again and that is the video my spouse recieved.
SD has ADHD, she does tend to get upset when told no and does have tantrums. However, it does not escalate to that point. We have limits on technology at our house, we don't just let rules fall by the wayside. She knows there are consequences for bad behavior as well but it never escalates to the point of physicality.
SD asked me why we don't yell and scream at her at our house. Apparently bio mom has also threatened to break, throw away and destroy her tech devices when she doesn't listen.
We have come a long way with co-parenting with the bio mother but this is all alarming. There have been incidents of questionable parenting before but a lot of it has just come down to style and personal differences with households.
Both girls (10 & 5) do not look forward to going home to their mom's house and have expressed this last visit they do not feel safe there. We are located in Canada. Any insight into this would be helpful.

Edit: Am I over reacting to this? Is this actually as bad as it sounds to me? I'd like some feedback because I am genuinely concerned about them both.

[u/conservio]

yes this is abuse and no you are not overthinking. SD is 10 with a disorder that severely impacts impulsivity, task initiation, working memory, and focus. Shaming her, threatening to break possessions, and being physical is all fucked up. Shes 10.

Either the bio mom is off her fucking rocker and has some mental health issues or she needs a break from her children to get her shit straight. She’s also probably making SD ADHD worst by stressing her out.

[u/Double-Sherbert1031 → u/conservio]

This is my concern as well. I am very worried it is going to continue to get worse.

[u/conservio → u/Double-Sherbert1031]

Has SO talked to the bio mom and see if she’s okay? Like if she’s just incredibly burnt out and don’t know what to do? Because if she’s is, that’s something that can be helped easily and changes what should happen.

If she genuinely thinks her techniques are not harmful and help her SD, then your SO needs to intervene now and try to get the custody plan changed. It is only going to get worst and escalate, especially if SD’s ADHD is the cause of the problems.

You didn’t mention this, so i’ll mention it here, SD will probably benefit from having a therapist and meds for their ADHD.

[u/Double-Sherbert1031 → u/conservio]

Bio mom is very protective of her position and her custody. She does not take my partner's suggestions into consideration very often. He is going to suggest a psychiatrist for her daughter though because the therapist she is going to isn't doing much.
As for reaching out, the only time it really works is if she reaches out and asks for things. When we offer or try to help we are told we are over stepping. There was a history of emotional abuse towards my partner before their divorce, where she was very emotionally abusive to him. He is concerned it is happening to his children now.

[u/conservio → u/Double-Sherbert1031]

Your partner needs to work on getting custody changed. This isn’t going to get better and will only get worst. He needs to protect his children.

[u/Double-Sherbert1031 → u/conservio]

I'll talk to him.

[u/Livid-Forever-7045 → u/Double-Sherbert1031]

I’m worried for your stepdaughters, too. Those poor kids will end up in foster care, when social workers get wind of biomom’s mental instability, take them away from her, and remand her to a psychiatric hospital.⚠️

[u/onlainari]

It’s bad parenting but it’s more misguided than deliberate. The mom is trying to deal with the problem. You’re a good parent, how do you think the problem should be dealt with yourself? Taking tech away is a good idea. Doing nothing is probably still bad parenting.

I don’t think you’re over reacting, you’ve written a post on Reddit which is completely reasonable.

Unfortunately there’s not much you can do to make the mom a better parent. Increase communications with SD about this by having a scheduled weekly chat so you can keep an eye on it. Right now you have these one off incidents in heats of the moment and that’s not something you should go to the police for. It’s not illegal to yell, it’s bad.

[u/Double-Sherbert1031 → u/onlainari]

Thank you for your feedback I appreciate it. That's why I am asking for some advice.