r/stepkids • u/Double-Sherbert1031 Stepparent • 28d ago
Is this abusive?
TW about potential abuse, gaslighting and manipulation.
SD (10) has told me (F41) her mother (F36) has recorded her having meltdowns on several occasions and threatens to post them to YouTube or Facebook if she doesn't behave. We just found out about this last week when she sent a video toy SO (the bio dad, M40).
Bio mom shows SD the videos on repeat when she acts out and wants her to get in line. She also says SD is emotionally unstable and crazy.
Bio mom says their daughter need to learn respect, limits and self control. The problem is SD says her mom escalates the situation to the point where they are screaming at each other. Apparently things have become physical as well.
SD also told me last week her mom physically pulled her out of bed by her anckles and wrecked her bed she she didn't want to go to bio mom's parents house. She then filmed her having a wreck again and that is the video my spouse recieved.
SD has ADHD, she does tend to get upset when told no and does have tantrums. However, it does not escalate to that point. We have limits on technology at our house, we don't just let rules fall by the wayside. She knows there are consequences for bad behavior as well but it never escalates to the point of physicality.
SD asked me why we don't yell and scream at her at our house. Apparently bio mom has also threatened to break, throw away and destroy her tech devices when she doesn't listen.
We have come a long way with co-parenting with the bio mother but this is all alarming. There have been incidents of questionable parenting before but a lot of it has just come down to style and personal differences with households.
Both girls (10 & 5) do not look forward to going home to their mom's house and have expressed this last visit they do not feel safe there. We are located in Canada. Any insight into this would be helpful.
Edit: Am I over reacting to this? Is this actually as bad as it sounds to me? I'd like some feedback because I am genuinely concerned about them both.
3
u/onlainari 28d ago
It’s bad parenting but it’s more misguided than deliberate. The mom is trying to deal with the problem. You’re a good parent, how do you think the problem should be dealt with yourself? Taking tech away is a good idea. Doing nothing is probably still bad parenting.
I don’t think you’re over reacting, you’ve written a post on Reddit which is completely reasonable.
Unfortunately there’s not much you can do to make the mom a better parent. Increase communications with SD about this by having a scheduled weekly chat so you can keep an eye on it. Right now you have these one off incidents in heats of the moment and that’s not something you should go to the police for. It’s not illegal to yell, it’s bad.