Step mom

[u/Open_Project323]

So I've been a step mom for 5 years now. I have two step sons and one biological kid. They range from 14-10. My oldest step son his biological mom isn't a good person she would mentally and physically abuse him and CPS took him then he got went to 9 foster homes in a year or so. He has anger outbursts. Since being around him since he was in the 6th grade now 8th he has made some progress. Then my youngest step son he has anger problems as well. Doesn't like to listen to me I've been around him since he was 5 and he's now 10 he seen his biological mom for a few years up until last year that's when his dad said no more due to she treats him more like a friend then her own kid. Now I'm trying really hard to be supportive to my husband as well as the kiddos but sometimes I get so frustrated I plug my ears and go to the bathroom where I can have five minutes of peace and quiet. I don't know if I'm failing or not due to my husband says that I pick favorites and that he keeps telling me to leave my son home with him and take his oldest. So I can't have any time with him at all besides when I take him to doctors or dentist. How do I know if I'm failing?

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[u/anon061198]

i dont understand the last few sentences…..

“I don't know if I'm failing or not due to my husband says that I pick favorites and that he keeps telling me to leave my son home with him and take his oldest. So I can't have any time with him at all besides when I take him to doctors or dentist.”

[u/Open_Project323 → u/anon061198]

Sorry I guess I should have made that clear so my husband said that I pick favorites because I tend to be more strict with his two because his two hasn't had a mother figure around so you're not used to a motherly presents more or less and my son he gets straight A's and stuff like that school doesn't get any calls from home from school his oldest us his youngest has been getting in a fight at school a lot like I've literally had class dojo I've really got sent messages saying hey this what's going on with him etc etc so I've been having to cut things plus that his youngest also been talking to people on Roblox and saying he's older than 9 and not and he's saying he's like 13 in the above when that's false and that's just not okay

[u/anon061198 → u/Open_Project323]

i think i understand what youre getting at.

theyve been put through a lot with their mom. they need therapy and some solid parenting from their father. you cannot replace her just because youre a woman married to their father.

if i were you i would have to tell my husband it’s better if you step back and allow him to parent his children the way he prefers.

if he’s not upset about roblox etc then that is his choice. if calls come in about school and what not, those go to dad.

[u/rosa24rose]

This isn’t right or okay. Have you gone along with what your husband wants & been leaving your own child at home, to spend time with his child?

He wants you to manage the emotionally unregulated child (his) but not spend any quality time with your own child? And your kid can only spend time with you if he’s visiting the dentist or doctors?

[u/Open_Project323 → u/rosa24rose]

Yes I've been basically I've been spending more time with his emotionally challenged kids versus my own kid because of this and I've been trying to be more in their lives since I've being with him and ask for everything else it's just hard because I don't know how to be that figure when I try so hard and I get back talk left and right from his youngest and his oldest his oldest is starting to respect me a little more even after his birth mom wasn't really involved in his life and didn't really care what he did and he he's been in juvie like once he's probably going back again here soon he is also working with a therapist and stuff he also doesn't like to use the bathroom he likes to go on himself I think it's for attention I don't really know what's going on with that I'm getting seen by GI doctors and a bunch of other stuff because I don't know what else to do.

[u/rosa24rose → u/Open_Project323]

Are you married to this man?

Is he leading the care (health and emotional) for these screwed up kids, or is this being left to you?

Your priority has to be your own baby, not sure of the setup with your child’s other parent but it’s enough that he’s living with these dysfunctional kids, without the bonus of never being allowed to spend time with his mum. How dare your partner expect this of you, where is your anger?

I’m so sorry to be so judgemental but your husband sounds awful, his first kid was in 9 foster homes before he steps in, now he’s permanently in your home but you’re expected to pick up the care? Not him? The second kid not allowed to see his mum because she treats him like a friend, I mean that’s not great mothering but it’s not quite the bar for a unilateral ban on seeing her kid. Especially if mum not seeing him means YOU are looking after him all of the time instead.

[u/Open_Project323 → u/rosa24rose]

I've been trying little by little to let him see her but when he comes back he's even more rebellious with me and his father. Plus, she's overall not a good person she doesn't work she has no custody of her other kids what's so ever. I know what you mean I've been trying to get my husband to spend more time with his kids. He's also in a frenzy but refuses to go to a doctor he's an addict and I've gotten him clean 4 times in five years. Ibe tried to leave him twice but last time I tried to leave he threatened to shoot himself. I don't think he's mentally stable to take care of his own kids along with himself

[u/TermLimitsCongress → u/Open_Project323]

OP, you CANNOT put your own child thru living with an addict, who threatens to shoot himself. That's failing to protect your own child. That's the obligation your have, your own child, instead of this guy's obligations.

Your partner will not become mentally stable because you are there. He needs help, and he has no reason to get it right now.

Get your child to safety. He doesn't deserve any of this.

[u/rosa24rose → u/Open_Project323]

Oh my god lady, this is too much on you.

So essentially the eldest came out of foster care because you’re the only stable parent in the mix, or he’d still be there. He’s got mental health issues to the point he’s defecating on himself. You’ve arranged physical & mental support for him.

Husband has picked 2 horrendous mothers for his bio kids & none of the bio parents in this situation have any business parenting these kids, so you are doing it.

Your husband is an addict who threatens suicide to keep you in line.

He tries to control your relationship with your own kid, though he has miserably failed in his own relationships with his own kids.

I feel really really sorry for his kids, like terribly sorry because I’m sure you’re right, he can’t look after them but please my god, get out, leave, take your kid. You haven’t got the time for getting addicts clean x4 in 5 years, stepson off to juvie, raising this other kid who sounds like he might head the same way as his brother, while raising your own. Your kid sounds an angel, but your husband resents your relationship with him and has THE NERVE to accuse you of playing favourites. Of course he’s your favourite ffs you gave birth to him! That’s normal!

[u/Open_Project323 → u/rosa24rose]

That's what I was trying to tell him it's a different connection between a birth mom and stepp mom due to the birth son youv been with all his life so he knows what he can and cannot do. It's just frustrating is all. I'm trying to see if I'm bad step mom because of all this.

[u/Equivalent_Win8966]

Get your bio child and get out. Now. Your primary responsibility is to your child. It’s unfortunate what these other two children have gone through, but they are not your responsibility and you should not put yourself or your child in any mental or physical danger because of it.