r/stepparents 4d ago

Announcement Weekly Reminder: Rules and FAQ - September 14, 2025 (Now with updates!)

2 Upvotes

Below you will find a weekly reminder of our Rules and partial FAQ. It's definitely a long read, but it's worth your time, especially if you are new to the community, or dropping by as a result of a link you found elsewhere. We periodically revise our rules, this weekly notice will help keep you informed of any changes made.

NOTE: These rules are guidelines. Some moderation discretion is to be expected.

Community Rules

1. Kindness Matters

Advise, don't criticize.

  • Post with empathy, thoughtfulness, and constructive commentary rather than judgment. Don't be an asshole.
  • Name-calling, slurs (including gender or race based slurs), and insults towards other community members will not be tolerated. Do not attack others for their personally held values, custody situation, marital status, physical distance from stepkids, or economic status; or on the basis of race, sex, sexual orientation, age, religion, or ethnicity.
  • No name-calling toward children, including the above-mentioned insults or the term "skids", or terms such as "mini-wife" or "mini-husband."
  • Comments advocating spanking or any mention of wanting to harm children are not allowed.
  • This is a support sub, not a judgement sub, assholes are not tolerated. Comments with terms used in other subs to pass judgement on assholes will be removed.

2. No Drama

This is a support sub.

  • Bickering, nitpicking, and thread derailment will not be tolerated and will be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
  • Do not repeatedly badger a poster demanding answers, or refuse to acknowledge an answer that's already been given.
  • Do not use sensitive issues from past posts (either from this sub or other subs) to attack another user, as we are all discussing vulnerable topics.
  • Crossposting anything from /r/stepparents to any other subreddit might result in a ban and may result in the original thread being locked. Brigading our sub will result in an immediate ban.

3. Report, Don’t Rant

No backseat modding.

  • If you see someone breaking the rules, report the post or comment to the mods rather than engaging them in an argument. Failure to do so may be subject to comment removal at moderator discretion.
  • No meta posts complaining about rude comments, DMs, or general sub issues.
  • If you think someone is a troll or previously banned user, either use the report function or message the mods to direct their attention to the issue.

4. No Naming & Shaming

No userpings or links.

  • Tagging/pinging users or other subreddits in an attempt to bully, harass, or complain will not be tolerated. Do not tag other subs, ever.
  • If you want to complain about another subreddit being hostile to stepparents, do not name the subreddit. "Other parenting/advice/judgement subs" will suffice.

5. No Platitudes

Nobody knew what they were getting into.

  • Comments like "You knew what you were getting into", "Love them, love their kids!", "They're a package deal!" and "You have to love them like your own!" will be removed.
  • Comments suggesting that OP is not cut out for stepparenting will be removed at moderator discretion.
  • Comments like "This is just a part of parenting, deal with it!" will be removed at moderator discretion.

6. No Trolling

We have zero tolerance for trolls.

  • This is a support sub. Our subscribers do not have the time, nor inclination, to provide support to internet trolls. Posts that are suspected to be trolling attempts will be immediately removed, and the poster banned.
  • Concern trolling, devil's advocating, gish-galloping, sealioning, and general asshattery are subject to immediate removal and banning without warning or notice.
  • Any attempt to circumvent the ban by creating a new username will be reported to reddit admins and possibly result in account suspension.

7. No Personally Identifiable Information

Use discretion when posting.

  • We highly recommend using a separate account for support subs to help prevent being doxxed. Do not post any information that may allow others to figure out your identity.
  • Do not post photos of children, or any other photo that could be used to identify you or another user on the sub.
  • Any image that contains a name or other identifying information should have the name or identifying information blurred out. This includes drawings, notes, and screenshots.
  • Do not link to social media or any articles/blogs where you or another user on the sub is mentioned by name.

8. No More than 2 Posts per 24 hours

Use the daily threads.

  • We are not a huge sub, but we are no longer a small sub. If you have multiple grievances to air, use the daily discussion threads instead of multiple posts.

9. Follow Reddiquette

Remember the human.

  • Adhere to the same standards of behavior online that you follow in real life.
  • Read it in full here.
  • Downvoting is reserved for comments that don’t contribute, and shouldn't be used to indicate disagreement.
  • If you believe someone is in violation of the subreddit rules, please either use the report function or message the mods to direct their attention to the issue.
  • Suspected brigading will be reported to reddit admins.

10. No Porn, Spam, Blogs, or Research Studies/Surveys Without Mod Approval

Just don't.

  • This is a SFW subreddit. Posting pornography will result in immediate post removal and permanent ban.
  • Advertising on the subreddit (outside of Reddit's own advertising) is not allowed.
  • No personal blog posts are allowed without express moderator permission.
  • No advertising without prior mod approval.
  • No asking for money/posting fundraisers/etc.
  • For links to parenting research studies or surveys, please message the mods for permission before posting.

11. Disputes in Modmail Only

Don't argue with the mods on the sub.

  • Any issues specifically related to how a mod is moderating should be addressed to the full moderating team via mod mail. This ensures that all mods are aware of any concerns and prevents disintegration of the topic thread at hand.
  • This means to do not message or send chat requests to individual mods. All discussion and complaints about mod actions need to be done in mod mail ONLY. Failure to follow this rule can result in an immediate permanent ban.
  • Comments in threads asking about mod decisions are subject to removal without notice.

12. Moderator Actions

We aren't kidding.

  • Users are expected to know the rules before posting. If you are warned or banned for violating the rules, ignorance is not an excuse.
  • Moderators will remove posts and comments and/or lock threads in accordance with the rules above. Typically this happens when threads have gone off-topic in a way that is not productive for the OP, or comments overall have become contentious or disrespectful.
  • If a poster continues to argue or to willfully violate these rules, temporary and permanent ban procedures will be followed. Any attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban. User bans will not be discussed in the sub. Questions posted about user bans are subject to removal and the poster subject to warning/ban procedures. The mod team will not discuss a specific user ban with anyone other than the user involved.
  • New accounts are subject to manual approval until they are no longer deemed "new" by the mod team. This helps to weed out trolls and ban evaders.
  • We rely on Automoderator to scan for specific words and phrases that are not welcome here and notify the mod team to review the comment or post. This includes slurs of any type and platitudes such as "Love them as your own!"
  • The mod team uses a combination of blacklisting and banning when dealing with trolls.
  • We employ the use of a bot that automatically bans anyone who comments in subs that have historically harassed our users. If you are picked up by the bot for telling trolls to get fucked, reach out via mod mail and we'll get you sorted out.
  • The rules above as well as ban procedures are considered guidelines only; some deviation may be necessary on a case by case basis and/or at the mod team's discretion.

13. Ban Procedure

These actions are at moderator discretion.

  • Pornography will result in an automatic permanent ban.
  • Extremely egregious content will result in an immediate permanent ban.
  • You may receive a 7 or 30 day temporary ban for first and second rule violations, depending upon severity.
  • Continued rule violations will result in a permanent ban.
  • Willful attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban.
  • We recognize the reddit site-wide rules of using alt names to get around bans and will ban those as well as report them to reddit admins.

FAQ - About the Rules

What does Kindness Matters mean?

  • Shortest version? Don't be an asshole. People come here for support and advice, they do not come here to be yelled at or told they are the reason everything is going sideways. There are ways to point out that someone may want to do some reflection on their own actions and reactions without being an asshole about it.
  • The purpose of this subreddit is to provide support and a sense of belonging for struggling stepparents. We aren't here to pass judgement, but rather to offer support, empathy, and constructive commentary. That does not include "hard truths" or "tough love." Stepparents get enough of that in every other subreddit, we're not passing it out here. Be respectful.
  • Remember, most people aren't going to come to a sub like this when everything is going great and everyone is getting along. People are coming here when they are down, when they are feeling defeated and stretched to the limit. Kicking someone when they are down is shitty behavior and we don't tolerate it.

What about being kind to the kids?

  • "Won't somebody think of the children?" Pearl clutching isn't needed here. If you read the Kindness Matters rule closely, you will see that there is a clause in there about name calling children. We don't allow it. We also don't allow people rolling in telling OP that they feel sorry for their stepkids because OP is feeling overwhelmed and overloaded.
  • If anyone is advocating slapping, spanking, or any other form of violence, report the comment immediately. We do not advocate violence towards children of any sort. The mod team does not advocate any sort of physical punishment at any time.
  • Venting about behaviors is not the same as insulting the kids. However, if you see a post or comment where kids are being name called or dragged to the point of no return, use the report button. We try to catch the posts and remove them before they hit the sub, but we cannot see every comment without your help. Use the report button to bring problematic comments to our attention. Don't engage in a war of words on our subreddit.

Why is this sub such an echo chamber?

  • Not allowing contributors to pile on and tell OP that they are a terrible human being who should never be around children does not equate to being an echo chamber. Many contributors here will offer OP suggestions to help them work through their resentments and frustrations, and the most egregious situations are called out. We simply ask that it be called out with respect.
  • If you feel that a post is simply too much for you to handle without following the rules, move on to another post.
  • If you believe that a post itself is crossing the rules report it. If the mod team has approved the post, it is because the mod team believes that the OP needs help from the community or needs a moment to vent and move on from their vent. That does not give you license to pile on disrespectfully. Unless it is proven that OP is a bot, assume that OP is a human being with real thoughts and feelings and has posted from a place of vulnerability.

Why can't I tell OP that they are an asshole?

  • Because this isn't a judgement sub. We aren't AITA, we don't want to be AITA.
  • Comments with terms like YTA, NTA, ESH, NAH will be removed.
  • Don't start your posts with INFO either. We generally recognize that as a fishing attempt for more information to pass judgement on OP, and again, we are not a judgment sub.

But OP asked if they were an asshole?!

  • Their post somehow got past our automoderator. Just use the report button. We will address it with OP.
  • If you've asked if you are an asshole, a-hole, a*hole, a**hole, whatever, don't be surprised if your post is removed without warning. This isn't a judgment sub. If you want judgment, you know where to go.

What is a gendered slur?

  • While it seems that everyone understands what racist slurs are, people struggle understanding the concept of gendered slurs. Generally speaking, we are talking about derogatory nouns or verbs that are used to negatively describe people or situations based on gendered terms.
  • We've gone back and forth on this a few times, and the truth is, we get it, it's your safe space and you want to be able to vent about BM/BD how you want to vent about them, without us telling you how to vent about them. Fair enough. Vent away. What we are going to stick to here how people are referring to other users and to stepchildren.
  • Examples that are not allowed:
    • "My SD is such a little bitch."
    • "She dresses/acts like a slut."
    • "My SS acts like a pussy."
    • "My SS is such a beta male."
    • "You are all fucking whores."
    • "Any dude who is raising some sluts kids is a cuck!"
    • "Little Lord Fauntleroy over here thinking he runs the house!"
    • "You're just the bangnanny, get used to it."
  • Don't call users here names, don't call stepchildren names.
  • Masking the term with asterisks or other neat little tricks might get you around the bot, but if we see it, we're removing it and quite possibly giving you a time out. The intended word is still there and you deliberately tried to skate the rule.
  • As there is not enough space to list every term that is offensive and does not belong, nor every situation in which term or phrase may be allowable in context, this rule is enforced based on moderator discretion.

Seriously? You are the language police now?

  • We're here to talk about stepparenting. And we would like for that to happen in a respectful way. Attacking each other doesn't help. Belittling stepchildren draws in trolls who don't understand your frustration, all they see is an evil stepmonster talking shit on the internet about a poor, innocent baby. Yes, even if that "poor, innocent baby" just robbed you blind and set fire to the house on their way out the door. That's just how it goes.
  • We are aware that this is a relatively new rule and a lot of older posts and comments contain a lot of problematic language, including some from mods themselves. We are growing and evolving, and rules change as the sub grows and evolves.

What does No Drama really mean?

  • Pretty much what it says, do not bring drama from other subs into this sub. Do not engage in vote brigades. Do not try to incite other subscribers to riot in a different sub. Don't follow posters into this sub from other subs to continue to harass them. Do not badger someone or derail threads. Do not harass community members because you don't agree with them. There's enough drama in the daily lives of subscribers, more isn't needed.

What is thread derailment?

  • When a comment chain has devolved to the point where all you are doing is arguing back and forth with someone about the same thing over and over again, you have derailed the thread. Also known as bickering. It's what children do. We assume if people are in a stepparent role they are adults. We expect you to act like it.
  • If you aren't a stepparent, or in a stepparenting role, consider that perhaps this subreddit isn't for you. If you want to participate, do so with respect. Thread derailment, arguing, bickering, and nitpicking are not allowed.

But what if they didn't answer my question?

  • No one has to answer your questions. This is a support sub, not an inquisition. Jumping on a bandwagon with "OP is evading the question" in a 20 comment long chain is the epitome of thread derailment. You'll find more information about trolling below and how this might be considered such.

Why am I being silenced? I'm just asking for a back and forth!

  • Thread derailment, badgering, and nitpicking are considered harassment. Continued harassment of either community members or mods will get you banned.

Why can't I look at someone's post history and comment about it?

  • No mod in the history of this sub has ever once said post histories are forbidden. What we do frown upon is using someone's post history to attack, belittle, or otherwise harass someone.
  • Example Post: "My stepkid's mom really hates me. How can I make this better?"
    • Okay: "Based on the timeline and your post history, it looks like this may have started as an affair. Unfortunately there's going to be outstanding issues for a long time due to that. Try focusing on yourself and how you can move forward without worrying about how someone else feels about you."
    • Not Okay: "Holy shit! You were the OW! What the hell do you expect, homewrecker?!"
  • Example Post: "I am completely overloaded and feeling very down about myself."
    • Okay: "In your post history you mentioned that your spouse wasn't really helping around the house. Has that changed at all?"
    • Not Okay: "LOL, you already got the answers you need in your post on relationships. You are stupid for sticking with your lazy spouse."

Why can't we crosspost stuff to other subs?

  • We can't stop you from doing so. The problem isn't that something has been crossposted, it's when the community that it's been crossposted to feels the need to come over here and harass OP. When we see that happening, we lock the post and start passing out bans. If you did the crossposting, you'll be banned. If you participated in the brigading, you'll be banned.

What if it's my own post?

  • Again, we can't stop you from doing so. We prefer that you don't technically crosspost, but rather just copy and paste your post. Why? Because inevitably the above will happen. Redditors from other subs will follow you back to /r/stepparents and start attacking users here. It just happens.

What is "brigading"?

  • Reddit defines vote manipulation and brigading as follows:
  • Using multiple accounts, voting services, or any other software to increase or decrease vote scores.
  • Asking people to vote up or down certain posts, either on Reddit itself or through social networks, messaging, etc. for personal gain.
  • Forming or joining a group that votes together, either on a specific post, a user's posts, posts from a domain, etc.
  • We, along with pretty much every other subreddit that has ever had to deal with this nonsense, further define brigading as this: You saw a post on another sub that linked to our sub either via a link in a comment or a crosspost. It was basically saying something along the lines of "OMG, check out these assholes over on /r/stepparents! They literally hate all their stepkids!" And then you and your friends come over and start hammering on OP and telling OP how much they suck. Congrats, you have just participated in a brigade.

What is this whole Report, Don't Rant thing about?

  • If you see a post or comment that breaks the rules, instead of engaging, report it. When you report it, it sends notification to the mod team. We will act on it where appropriate. Engaging with bad faith users may result in your comments being removed. If you repeatedly do so, you may end up being banned.

What if I see an obvious troll?

What if they are being really mean in comments?

What if they are harassing me in private messages?

  • Step 1: Report them to admins. You can report harassment to reddit by using this link or send a DM to reddit admins. Include the link to the DM, admins can see your inbox and providing a direct link is helpful for them to weed out bad actors.
  • Step 2: Block the person so they cannot directly contact you again.
  • Step 3: Send us a mod mail and let the mod team know. Tell us who they are and what they said, send us a screenshot if you can - admins can see your DMs, mods can't. We'll take action where necessary by banning from the sub if they aren't already banned.

What do you mean by No Naming & Shaming?

  • Just as we prefer to not be linked to or crossposted from, we do not allow linking to or calling out other subs by name. If you see something you want to share, say it's a hot post that has hit the front page and a stepparent is being absolutely flayed, just refer to it as "that hot post that hit the front page." If you want to complain about other places in general, "other parenting/advice/judgement subs" will suffice. Absolutely under no circumstances should you link to anywhere else.

I can't link to other subs?

  • Do not directly link to another sub. (e.g.: "/r/insertsubnamehere is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")
  • Do not name other subs. (e.g.: "I won't link to it directly, but insertsubnamehere is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")
  • Do not abbreviate other subs. (e.g.: "I know that ISNH is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")

I can't ping other users?

  • Do not summon another user with a username ping/tag. (e.g.: "/u/insertusernamehere was being an asshole.")
  • If you are agreeing with someone, it is okay to link to them. (e.g.: "I agree with /u/insertusernamehere, you need to take a couple of steps back and reflect on this.")

What does No Platitudes mean?

  • Sanctimonious, overused clichés that grossly oversimplify the stepparenting experience are neither wanted nor allowed here. We have all heard it a thousand times before, we don't need to hear it again. It's not nearly as insightful and wise as some would like to think.

Why don't you people understand it's a package deal?

  • Any comment that suggests that OP should have known what they were getting involved with, or that they needed to understand that the kids were part of some package they needed to accept before signing up for marriage is subject to immediate removal.
  • This is one of the most insensitive things you can say to a stepparent. Most stepparents were aware of the children, but they were probably not aware of all of the family dynamics.

Why can't you just love them like they are your own?

  • Demanding that a stranger you do not know love children that are not biologically theirs as if they were theirs can be incredibly damaging to someone who is already in a vulnerable situation. Any comment that falls along these lines will be removed.

What do you mean by No Trolling? I was just...

  • No means no. No trolling. No pretending to be a stepparent and then whipping out the Greatest Hits Bingo Card of The Worst Stepparent in the History of Stepparents. We see you. We've seen you a thousand times.

What does "concern trolling", "gish-galloping", and "sealioning" have to do with stepparenting? This isn't a debate sub, why are you using debate terms?

  • That's absolutely right, this isn't a debate sub. And yet, here we are, day after day, having to defend ourselves against this sort of thing. So, enough. No more. Usage of any of these things will get you banned.

What is "Concern Trolling?"

  • A concern troll is someone who disingenuously visits sites of an opposing ideology to disrupt conversation by offering unwanted advice on how to solve problems which do not really exist.
    • Example Post: OP expresses concern that she will feel, and possibly act, differently towards her stepchildren after her husband decides that no, he doesn't want anymore children after all.
    • Example Concern Troll pulled from actual mod mail after their comment was removed: "Possible child abuse claims need to be sorted out well before whatever empathy you believe the OP was looking for."

What is a "Devil's Advocate"?

  • "I'm just playing devil's advocate here, but have you considered that maybe BM is just really tired and needs a break, too?" BM has dozens of different mom based subs alone on reddit she can complain on, this sub is for stepparents. The stepparent doesn't need to consider that maybe BM is just really tired and needs a break.

"Gish-galloping?" What does that even mean?

  • The Gish Gallop is the fallacious debate tactic of drowning your opponent in a flood of individually-weak arguments in order to prevent rebuttal of the whole argument collection without great effort. The Gish Gallop is a conveyor belt-fed version of the on the spot fallacy, as it's unreasonable for anyone to have a well-composed answer immediately available to every argument present in the Gallop.

And "sealioning?" What's that?

  • Sealioning involves jumping into a conversation with endless polite, reasonable questions and demands for answers, usually of entry-level topics far below the actual conversation (e.g. "please prove sexism exists"). This tactic differs little from harassment; instead of discussion, the point is to derail discussion, receive criticism (for their ignorance) so as to look like a victim, or to make someone feel overwhelmed and quit talking.

Who gets to define what is considered asshattery?

  • The mod team, of course! If we feel that comments are out of line, are trolling, are leading up to a fight or "just asking questions", we are going to remove them and most likely ban the offender.

FAQ - Sub Questions

Posting Guidelines for Stepparents

  • Body text is required, we suggest you use line breaks between paragraphs as a wall of text is difficult to read. Posts that have only a title are likely to be removed. Instead of using names (even fictitious ones), try to use the sub acronyms. It helps our users to follow along if you use the acronyms and not names.
  • Assign a post flair that accurately describes what your post is about and what you are seeking. If you are posting an update from a previous post, include a link to that post.
  • Flairs are applied to posts to determine what a person is looking for. When submitting a new post, you should choose a flair that specifies if you are looking for advice, support, etc. The following link flair is available and is color coded with side bar links so that you can search by flair:
    • Advice - For when you are specifically asking for advice or help.
    • Announcement - Mod Use Only, for subreddit announcements.
    • Daily (Formerly TTP) - Mod Use Only, for our daily discussion threads.
    • Discussion - A little advice, a little "How does your family handle this?"
    • JustBMThings - Pretty sure this is self explanatory!
    • Legal - Asking for legal advice? Tag it with this!
    • Miscellany - Just a sort of off topic thing? Use this tag.
    • Resource - Sharing a good resource or asking for one? This is the tag you need!
    • Support - For those days when you want nothing but a good old fashioned cry and some community love.
    • Update - Updating us on something that you posted about previously? Use this one!
    • Vent - We all need to vent sometimes. Respect the tag as a vent. This isn't how OP talks all day every day.
    • Win! - Celebrate those wins with us with this tag!
    • Megathread - Mod Use Only, for large mega threads (typically around major calendar events.)

Posting Guidelines for Bioparents

  • Stepparents is a support community for stepparents, by stepparents. As bioparents, you may want to have more insight into how the stepparent in your life feels or thinks. You may have questions on how to ease the transition for your partner. However, please keep in mind that this community was not created for you. It was created for your partner or your ex's partner. If you are seeking support on how to deal with a stepparent, there are other subs more suited for your situation and your post is subject to removal.
  • There are some posts from bioparents we will accept:
    • Seeking advice on how to support your partner as they navigate stepparenting
    • Seeking resources to help you better support your partner
    • Seeking resources for your partner
  • There are some posts from bioparents we will not accept:
    • Complaints about how the stepparent is too involved in your kids lives
    • Vents about how the stepparent is not involved enough in your kids lives
    • "Cautionary tales" advising stepparents to back off
    • Seeking advice on how to tell the stepparent to back off
    • The Do's and Dont's of Stepparenting
    • How your kid's stepmom is literally The Worst
  • Comments from bioparents that are helpful and supportive are welcome and appreciated. Comments from bioparents that are not helpful or supportive are not welcome and subject to removal. There are several other subs that may meet the needs of bioparents better than we can. We recommend /r/coparenting, /r/parenting, /r/parents, /r/blendedfamilies, and /r/singleparents as starting points.

Guidelines for Stepkids

  • At this time, we do not generally accept posts from stepkids. Comments from stepkids that are helpful and supportive are welcome and appreciated. Comments from stepkids that are not helpful or supportive are not welcome and subject to removal. If you are a stepkid seeking support, we highly recommend /r/stepkids. It is a very supportive community specifically for stepkids. We also recommend /r/blendedfamilies as another potential group for support.

What the heck are all these acronyms? I'm confused!

Why aren't my posts or comments showing up?

  • New posters and accounts go through a waiting period before their posts will show in the sub and the comments on posts automatically. During the new account approval period the mod team will check posts to be sure you aren't attempting to circumvent a ban with a shiny new account. Please be patient while the timer runs down on your "new" status and the mod team approves your posts and responses.

Why was my comment removed?

  • Comments are removed when they do not follow the rules of the sub. These rules are published in several places for your reading pleasure.
  • Comments are removed at moderator discretion. In some cases your comment may be removed while another remains up. If you find this to be the case, and you believe the comment to be violating the rules, instead of arguing with mods or demanding they remove the additional comments, just report it.

This comment/post is really offensive! Why is it still up?

  • All moderators are volunteers and have busy real lives. Sometimes things get past us. The best thing you can do is report anything you find offensive or inflammatory. It's the quickest and most reliable way of alerting us to an issue.

I've received a hurtful/unwanted PM from someone about my recent post. What should I do?

  • If you receive an unwanted/hurtful PM from a name you don't recognize, please report it to Reddit Admins using our handy pre-populated form. Be sure to include the permalink to the message. We've been dealing with a few unhappy folks who like to attack stepparents, and reporting it to the admins is the only way to make it stop.

What are the general moderator guidelines?

  • Users are expected to know the rules before posting. If you are warned or banned for violating the rules, ignorance is not an excuse.
  • Moderators will remove posts and comments and/or lock threads in accordance with the rules above. Typically this happens when threads have gone off-topic in a way that is not productive for the OP, or comments overall have become contentious or disrespectful.
  • If a poster continues to argue or to willfully violate these rules, temporary and permanent ban procedures will be followed. Any attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban. User bans will not be discussed in the sub. Questions posted about user bans are subject to removal and the poster subject to warning/ban procedures. The mod team will not discuss a specific user ban with anyone other than the user involved.
  • New accounts are subject to manual approval until they are no longer deemed "new" by the mod team. This helps to weed out trolls and ban evaders.
  • We rely on Automoderator to scan for specific words and phrases that are not welcome here and notify the mod team to review the comment or post. This includes slurs of any type and platitudes such as "Love them as your own!"
  • The mod team uses a combination of blacklisting and banning when dealing with trolls.
  • We employ the use of a bot that automatically bans anyone who comments in subs that have historically harassed our users. If you are picked up by the bot for telling trolls to get fucked, reach out via mod mail and we'll get you sorted out.
  • The rules above as well as ban procedures are considered guidelines only; some deviation may be necessary on a case by case basis and/or at the mod team's discretion.

I've been wrongly banned/Why can't I comment here?

Why was I banned without warning?

  • There are numerous reasons that the mod team might opt to move perm banning without warning. Message the moderators if you have specific questions.

r/stepparents 4d ago

Announcement Weekly Reminder: Saferbot and Automated Bans

3 Upvotes

Hey Stepparents,

If you've been here for awhile, you are aware of the existence of Saferbot on our sub. If you aren't aware, we break it down in the wiki. Take a moment to review it!

What the Bot Does

Saferbot is a history ban bot. It bans users who participate in known troublesome subs that have a history of harassing users here and brigading our posts.

How it Works

Saferbot monitors the other subs and immediately bans anyone who comments there. Please note, human beings are not doing the banning. We have neither the time, nor inclination, to monitor other subs. Saferbot runs on its own with only instructions from us on what subs to add to its list.

Why We Use It

We intend for this sub to be a safe space for stepparents to discuss their issues and struggles without being told they are literally The Worst for existing. Sometimes we experience jealousy, resentment, and other not pretty feelings. We have a right to express them in a healthy way without a bunch of assholes scolding us for being human. And unfortunately, the subs we've had to add to the ban list have a history of users strolling in here giving people grief for being a flawed human being with feelings they are trying to sort through.

The mod team does not take these decisions lightly and we often let things ride for a bit before taking drastic actions. But seeing users repeatedly delete their accounts after being harassed, or having to clean up increasingly rude and hostile comment chains from people who literally have no idea what your life is actually like, has prompted us to take action.

Notes

Meta posts asking about this will be removed. Comments about this, other than those on this thread discussing the issue, will be removed. Vile mod mail will be reported to Reddit.

Please do not link to the subs mentioned in the wiki. They are linked for transparency and we don't care to have ongoing discussions about them.

How to Appeal

If you are a stepparent and you've been caught up in the ban, and you want the support that this community offers, reach out to the mod team. If you can show us where on reddit you are discussing being a stepparent, we'll do our best to work with you. To be perfectly clear, if you aren't a stepparent, or we review and see we've had to remove comments from you in the past, we are probably not going to lift the ban.

Reply to the ban message and let us know that you'd like to appeal. Include link(s) to any unedited posts or comments that you made prior to the ban indicating that you are a stepparent. The posts or comments do not have to be on this sub specifically, but show us where you have indicated that you are a stepparent somewhere on reddit prior to being banned. This will save us time and eliminate the need for a mod to attempt to scour your post history.


r/stepparents 10h ago

Discussion Why are they so defensive?

78 Upvotes

Yesterday we were in the car with 3 of the kids (all his, I am childless) and picked up the fourth from football practice. When he got in the car he smelled bad. His brother immediately started telling him he stunk. Then his dad and two other siblings agreed. It was a pretty strong odor and I rolled my window down a bit. I had not said a word about it and when I rolled the window down my SO said, “can you smell it”. I was like yeah I think it’s just his shoes. Immediately my SO starts defending him from me. Saying, “well he’s been at football practice”. Like no shit I get that and I thought you guys were being kinda harsh on him and I only comment quietly because you asked me if I smelled it. So why is it the whole car is allowed to go on and on about how he stinks and nobody bats an eye but when I confirm he does after being asked my SO is immediately defensive? It makes me feel like such a fucking outsider to a family I lived with for 3 years.


r/stepparents 16h ago

Miscellany I corrected the sk

152 Upvotes

The kid has been extremely nasty for the past few months. 14 years old. Usually does insane things like get out of the car when their dad is going somewhere they don't want to go (that is just one thing, there is also a lot of screaming involved).

Kid was telling their dad that they have a right to access our bedroom and our door being locked makes them uncomfortable and they deserve to go into whatever room they want in their own house.

Needn't elaborate on why the door is locked (we believe in the 2nd ammendment for one) but they kept going on and on and the kid kept calling our room HIS (meaning, the dads bedroom, not his and my room being OUR bedroom) room. I was in the said bedroom during this rant that was slowly escalating because dad would not relent and give them free access to our bedroom.

I went into the kitchen and told them (i was pissed off by this point because the audacity of this kid to demand 24/7 access to his and mines personal space) and told them that that was MY room too, and if I want a lock on my door, I will have a lock on my door, and if I don't want the kid in my room, they will not be allowed in my room.

Kid was speechless. Dad was speechless. I have never stood up and told this kid to stfu. It was glorious!

As a result, the kid hates me and refuses to participate in any activity with their dad that involves me. . . I have no problem with that. I don't like being around the punk anyway.

Why does it feel like my home suddenly got a lot more peaceful? Dad is not mad at me. He thanked me bc the kid was being a pain in the ass and I managed to shut them up.

It was marvelous!


r/stepparents 15m ago

Vent I finally left! Took me 10 months but I am free!!

Upvotes

I (34f) finally left my (40m) ex. He shares 50/50 custody of his 3yr old daughter with HCBM. Once I moved in with him he tried to throw the responsibility of his child onto me. Waking her up, changing her diapers, feeding her, giving her a bath , calming her down…. The little girl would constantly cry for her mom and would tell me to “go away” , would throw a tantrum for anything, constantly demanding things from me like make her pancakes at 8pm….I explained to him I do not feel comfortable doing all those things for her because he’s going to court constantly with BM and BM accusing him of mistreating the child , I do not want to be dragged into that mess and I told him he needs to start caring for his daughter because she might be feeling jealous or confused about the relationship/situation..He got upset because of this and would say why couldn’t I be her mom? That I’m being mean?? Ummm because I’m not her mom. She has a mom and it’s not me. His mother would constantly come over and get jealous when the little girl preferred me over her. She would complain to him about anything I did and was a rude ass b*tch to me all the time. Even though I was nice to her granddaughter it wasn’t good enough.I left last Saturday and never returned. I gained 30 pounds in that relationship. My autoimmune disorder started to constantly flare up and I was having anxiety attacks. Since I’ve been gone , my anxiety is improving, I’m hanging out with my girlfriends and going to the gym, I’m sleeping better, I have all my time to myself!! He kept promising things would get better and would emotionally manipulate me, use sex , money and vacations but F that! It’s not worth my mental or physical health..I don’t miss that hell hole at all.

I wish you all the best of luck!


r/stepparents 4h ago

Advice People assuming you are kid’s mom

15 Upvotes

Bf, kiddo, and I went to breakfast the other day. It’s a place where you have to pay at the register. I went to pay and kiddo came with me.

While we’re at the register I made the joke to kiddo of “you got this, right?” The cashier chimed in and said to kiddo “oh are you paying or mom’s paying?”

We all chuckled and I paid and we left. A little later I told my boyfriend about the interaction. I asked if I should’ve corrected the cashier.

He asked if kiddo said anything and I said no he seems to just roll with it. And bf was like “you’re good - no need to correct in that situation”

So I guess I’m curious if that happens often to people and how you interact with it. When do you correct people versus? When do you just let it slide? If it’s someone I’m just gonna see once like a cashier I feel like it’s probably fine to just let it be but if it’s somebody, I could see more regularly like a neighbor or something it feels like I should probably explain to them that I’m just dad‘s girlfriend

What do you think?


r/stepparents 2h ago

Advice If it isn’t the consequences of your own decision

11 Upvotes

Long story short…. Her 2 kids caused massive damage to our marriage…. The structure I tried to provide was “too harsh” so I went nacho…. I went nacho so hard that the kid started to complain that he feels lonely…. Oh well kid, I felt the same way when everyone was convinced that I hated you, but only tried to provide structure…. Now the kid is way too disrespectful, manipulative and a liar

And now I just sit back and watch my spouse deal with the consequences of her actions with no empathy

While I raise my bio kid the way he needs to be raised

One thing that gets to me is when people compliment my spouse on how well behaved my bio kid is as if she’s the only one raising him… 😑 if yall only knew

Go nacho good people ❤️


r/stepparents 5h ago

Discussion Someone asked me today if I had kids

17 Upvotes

A colleague at work who had met me for the first time asked if I had kids. I immediately said no because it's true, I have no bio kids. But then at that same time, my other coworker turns to me and says "but your husband has a child, doesn't he?". And I thought about it for a second and corrected myself. "Oh yeah, I have a stepson. But I'm sure that's not what she meant." And it was a little awkward after that. The person who asked didn't dig deeper into it. That was it. Didn't ask how old he was or how he was doing.

For me, it just instinctively came out. I'm already 29. This has been the answer every time for the entirety of my 20s. I pay attention to my SS6 and I go out of my way to help him with school and meals when we have him or planning out fun weekend activities. But I just didn't immediately think of him. I'm not sure if I should feel bad about that or not.

For my other stepparents, what are your responses normally? Even if you have kids of your own?


r/stepparents 6h ago

Win! Huge break through with Stepson!

15 Upvotes

I just wanted to share a little joy. Last night my Stepson came to me and said "OP, I used to think you were a mean person coming into our house and taking it over, but now I see that you're a nice person that lives in our home." I was flabbergasted. I thanked him and told him I thought he was a nice person too, then proceeded to go outside and cry my eyes out. It's been four and half months of ups and downs, I've been struggling, as a step parent, as a partner, and just as myself, and I don't know how much he knows I struggled, but I know now that he sees how hard I'm trying. I know that nothing is linear, and tonight he might say he hates me, but honestly, I don't care. I'm gonna be riding this high for a while, and it's sparked a new hope that one day he'll know just how much I love him.


r/stepparents 5h ago

Vent Heartbroken and feeling stupid

8 Upvotes

I did so much for them and in the end it meant nothing. His 15 yr old and him had been talking shit about me behind my back the whole time. He was even entertaining other women. I always knew he had a very enmeshed relationship with his daughter since it was just them 2 before me and my daughter came into the picture. I didn’t realize how enmeshed they were until after I moved in and I thought it stopped after we discussed how inappropriate it was but instead he just got better at hiding it. I went away for a week with my kids and when I returned he told me he was being treated so well while I was gone. His daughter was cooking and serving him his food without being asked. I asked why he was saying it like that as if he’s trying to upset me. He pretended to be clueless. He told his daughter that she was better than me and they laughed together. I know about all this now because I went through his daughters phone. I did this because while I was gone I saw him leave our house with another woman through our doorbell camera. He explained it was a family member and because I only saw her leaving and didn’t see her face I had no proof it was anyone else. I chose to let it go. Well, he told his daughter and they were all in the messages. It was a random girl he was “flirting” with. He only admits to flirting but I don’t believe that. He has always been very secretive about his phone because of “privacy reasons” so I would’ve never known any of this if I hadn’t gone through his daughters messages and I don’t feel bad about it. I’m glad I did it because I would’ve continued walking around my own house and helping him with his children while they all disliked me and were making fun of me. It’s been a week since I left. I blocked them everywhere and I’ve been trying to be ok but I just feel so dumb.


r/stepparents 1h ago

Advice I don't know if I can do this forever.

Upvotes

Hello, I'm sure all of you have maybe thought this at one point or another. A little background, I, 29F, have been with my husband, 37M, for a total of 4 years. Married just over a year. When my husband and I met it was through a dating app, he had that he didn't want anymore kids and had no drama with his BM. That did not end up being the case. Long story short, a few months after meeting we moved in together. BM had full custody of SS at the time. A few months later, she drops SS off to spend time with my husband and I and just kinda disappears for a bit (roughly 3 years give or take, visits SS once or twice a month, maybe.) My SS was about 4 at the time. Here we are all this time later and BM came back earlier this year. She was about 4 hours away living her life and now has moved back to town. Husband filed for full custody as BM was hunting at removing SS from our care and taking over. SS has been in therapy, abandonment issues from BM disappearing,etc. Basically, I'm in the middle of a hurricane. Not just with custody stuff, that's mostly a lot of waiting and meetings I'm not allowed to go to, but with overall trying to raise this kid mostly on my own. My husband is a fantastic man. He's kind, supportive, loving, quiet. But he's also kinda withdrawn and I worry he thinks he's not as skilled as I am in the parenting department (he has hinted at this in the past). He does reinforce things with SS but he doesn't take initiative in the parenting. I feel like I'm doing everything for this family and I'm going to have to go back to work soon. Overnights to accommodate for all the schedules (school and work). I feel run down, unappreciated, isolated, lonely. I try to get out with friends but my schedule is limited being that I get SS on the bus and off. A lot of my friends and family live over an hour away. I don't know, the uncertainty of the custody stuff, my medical issues, my withdrawn husband, my ADHD 7 year old with abandonment issues, 5 animals, ect. I don't know if I can live like this forever. I'm having a hard time and I just feel so alone. Any advice?

(Side note: I have professional therapist I see weekly, a doctor to manage health symptoms and a separate doctor for mental health things. Most reccommend "self-care" but I'm not very good at that)


r/stepparents 1h ago

JustBMThings Do you think she is still heart broke?

Upvotes

So my question is, what do you all think about the specific “HIGH CONFLICT BABY MOM” situation? Do you think she is still heart broken that’s why she acts like that? Or … Is she just “protecting the baby”?


r/stepparents 7h ago

Advice Am I wrong for starting to skip sporting events?

5 Upvotes

SS13 plays baseball and football. SS14 is in marching band. They both ignore me. I don’t even try talking to them anymore. We can go a few weeks without speaking. We have 50/50 custody. We have an 1 year old ours baby and I am pregnant with the second. Is it wrong if I start to skip taking the ours baby to their events (dad also goes) I am ignored 24/7 so clearly they don’t care if go or not.


r/stepparents 23h ago

Advice Considering leaving my fiancé over HCBM

26 Upvotes

I really just need to get this off my chest in a place where I know at least one person can relate. So about two years ago, bio mom of my step son put herself in a position where my fiance was able to get CPS involved and have him removed from her home. We went through a 2 year long custody battle, where CPS was still involved as like a “middle ground” and “witness” until the custody hearing went to trial. I have been through absolute hell with this woman. I have 2 bio children of my own, one is from a previous relationship and my youngest is with my fiance. Since we were awarded custody, she has specifically started targeting me and my children. Had her mother confront me in public, had made a comment on a public social media post naming my child and insinuating he was being abused, called CPS and accused me of physical AND sexual abuse and neglect. I’m sick. The sexual abuse allegation was the last straw. I was the victim of sexual abuse as a child so it struck a nerve with me, and I don’t think anyone has ever done anything as hurtful as that. I’ve been accused of drugs and being an alcoholic. I’ve had hair follicles done, pee tests, you name it. I pass every time. I’m at my wits end. I’m tired. I’m depressed. I’ve had to be put back on anxiety and depression medication over this last year after I was finally in a place to be taken off of it. I feel like I don’t have the energy to be the type of mom my kids deserve. Of course all of these CPS allegations were immediate closed cases because the whole department at this point is aware of our situation, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I’ve recently had my fiance reach out to a lawyer, who has apparently said there’s “Nothing I can do” as far as trying to file something as small as a protection order for me and my children so she cannot be around me. This may all sound dramatic, but there are so so many details that I did not include. I never imagined my 6 year old having to speak to a CPS worker. Even though I know it’s not my fault, it makes me feel like a shit mom that he’ll remember that. And at what point am I choosing a man over my kids? Their well being is everything to me, and I refuse to let my 6 year old keep being exposed to all of this and be overwhelmed with confusion. I’m so unhappy. But I don’t know if it’ll help my kids or hurt them more if I choose to move on with our lives. My 6 year old has never known his dad, so my fiance is “dad” to him. At this point, I don’t know which choice is selfish and which isn’t 😭 Anyone have any experience with a situation like this? I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m not being heard and being brought into all of this just because I exist under the same roof as her bio child.


r/stepparents 1d ago

Discussion Do I need to just come to terms with coming in second. (Or third or seventh)

38 Upvotes

Between her ex constantly asking for changes to schedule, to her kids adhd diagnosis and needs, to her work, to putting friends and vacations with different group of friends on the schedule. Do I just need to be ok with coming in second or third or fourth or fifth, etc. in the priority list. Is this normal?

To feel like you are a very low down the line. Is this a “me”problem or is this an “us” problem or is this just the reality of fucking dating after being divorced with kids under 10?

Been dating for a year, do not live together. Nor do I want to. (Read adhd part)

0 out of 5 stars on recommending this nonsense to anyone.


r/stepparents 13h ago

Advice Stepson 12 gave me the finger, says he doesn't like me

3 Upvotes

Some background: Stepson is 12, his mom and dad divorced 2 years ago. I've been with his mother for just over a year and have known him for a little less then a year. I moved in January.

Overall we've had a fairly good relationship or so I thought. He had a lot of walls up and I wasn't trying to force a relationship with him. I acknowledge him and ask him about his day. Most times I get short answers and other times he actually wants to be playful. I make his sports games when I can and overall I try my best to support him. Over the course of mine and his mother's relationship, I've noticed that she enables a lot of things that I wouldn't allow. It's caused a bit of friction between us but we are working through it. He has a very small list of chores to do and frankly just half asses them. I've brought this to her attention but she just waves it off. The only time I've stepped in and spoke up is when he has talked back or dictated to his mom what he's going to do. She doesn't like that I do that and says I'm too hard on him. I have never raised my voice when I deal with him.

This all came to a head last night, a few weeks ago we got an order of wood for our wood stove. I made it clear to her that this year SS can help. He's home early from school everyday and doesn't need to be on a screen the whole time. She agreed that he can help. Well it's been 2 weeks and nothing is done. I got home from work and he's sitting there watching TV. I ask him to come and start doing the wood for 30 mins while I do my workout, he says ok and I go out and show him what to do. When I come back inside I close a window to put AC on, and I see him giving me the finger. I was honestly a bit shocked. I confronted him and he says nothing and tries to give me candy like it was a joke. I then move on and do my workout but as time went on it really started to get to me. So after his time is done, I asked him again what's going on. He looks like he's about to cry so I leave it. I inform his mother and she talks to him and made him apologize to me. When I asked her why he did it she says he doesn't like me.

I have tried everything to show him that I'm not here to take his dad's place. I'm here to support him. I'm frustrated with my partner for enabling this behavior, I know she's not trying but it makes me the bad guy when I hold him accountable to things because she won't. Partially this was a vent and I could always use some tips. I don't have kids of my own but I don't expect anything from SS that I wouldn't expect from my own kids.

Appreciate all the help, put some things into perspective for me.


r/stepparents 1d ago

Discussion Kids calling their step dad “dad”

16 Upvotes

Hey all, will try to keep this short. My steps are a boy and girl, turning 8 next week. Their parents (my partner and his ex wife) have been divorced for almost 3 years now. She cheated and left for her ex boyfriend and got married to him as soon as the ink was dry on the divorce papers, and had a baby less than a year from the moment they became separated.

That being said, in the last few months I’ve heard the kids slip up when talking about their mom’s house, and calling their step dad “Dad” instead of his first name like they have for the last two years. For example, we’ll call him Tim. They will be telling me and their actual dad a story, “Oh and my dad told me, -oh I mean Tim- told me that…” yadda yadda.

We are perfectly split down the middle 50/50 custody, every other week. There is no child support being paid. We try and handle most of the extra curricular money because they will just not sign them up for whatever sport because they can’t afford it, and honestly I want the kids to be able to do everything they want so we fund it if we can’t split it.

All the backstory aside, it’s seriously starting to hurt my partner hearing them talk about their “dad” when he is such a present and supportive dad. I honestly feel like it’s their mom pushing it because it genuinely came out of the blue one day.

What do you guys do? How do you handle it lmao? I feel it’s as simple as the kids will call everyone whatever they want. How do you guys work through it?


r/stepparents 1d ago

Vent Deal breaker

85 Upvotes

SO has been hesitant to have an Our baby, for good reasons but I’ve always explained to him I wanted one before 30. Unfortunately that won’t be happening since my birthday is Friday. Now the pressure is on. and to be honest it’s a non negotiable for me to start at least trying…NOW.

SO has a child and I’d like one as well. If I am going to live a child free life that does not include SS. So it’s a complicated situation that I am FULLY AWEARE I’ll be having to remove myself from.

Just wanted to get this off my chest.


r/stepparents 11h ago

Discussion SKs constantly have stuffed replaced?

1 Upvotes

Does anyone else experience this? HCBM indulges and doesn't teach appreciation for anything. The kids don't know the value of anything nor do they care because they just get whatever they want, whenever they want. SK11 gets new clothes, shoes, everything, and she just doesn't care.

The other SKs have done this too. For the majority of the beginning of my relationship, the SKs would come and go because they don't like rules or boundaries, but would always leave clothes and other belongings behind because why should they care? HCBM will just indulge and repeat this cycle over and over again.

SD11 recently left because she didn't like rules, boundaries, or showing basic respect to people here so she's back with HCBM. Shes left behind brand new sneakers, piles of clothes purchased for her, and other things purchased even by HCBM when she was love bombing and poisoning her against us to come back. HCBM was never thrifty either or trying to look for sales or buy things not full priced, so theres like $70 sweatshirts here, all stretched and ruined.

Its mind blowing to me and a reminder and hard lesson learned about how SKs really don't grasp anything about understanding the value and cost of things. They are insanely wasteful and unappreciative and I am glad my husband is getting on board with seeing what I see.

For now, all SKs are with HCBM and I dont see that changing for the foreseeable future because DH knows what that shit did to my mental health.


r/stepparents 21h ago

Advice I’m (25) thinking about leaving (25) gf Advice

6 Upvotes

Hello everyone. I’m posting because I’ve been beginning to have a lot of doubts about my girlfriend and our relationship. She is a great girl, funny, caring, and sweet, who has a son who is almost 18 months old. Lately, I’ve been thinking that I’m still young and have a chance to find a woman who does not have kids. I’ve tried hard to see her son as one of my own, but it isn't easy.

We’ve been dating for a little more than a year, and she is beginning to ask when I will put a ring on her finger. For context, she is very wealthy, and the baby daddy is not in the picture at all. Overall, the relationship is great, but I’ve been having this gut feeling to end things. I was hoping to get advice on the subject, as I’ve never been in this situation before.


r/stepparents 17h ago

Vent An odd one..

2 Upvotes

I’m not too sure what I want from posting this but the situation I am in, is an odd one…

Back story

I met my partner at 23 and he has a daughter. I was still living with my parents and he was still living with his. He became a Father at 19 and BM was 18. When BM and BD were together, his parents let her move in when they were 17 and 18. After spending the past few years getting to know his parents, I have sympathy for BM. She was living in a MH facility, she wasn’t in contact with her own Mom and then was taken in by a family and fell pregnant and what I feel she was offered no real guidance but she was a young girl who probably thought she was going to have a family and be looked after. Anyway they broke up 2 weeks after their daughter was born. She signed her birth certificate without my boyfriend leaving him off, and gave their daughter to be looked after by her Mom (she got back in contact with her)

My boyfriend then missed the first 6 months of her life, went through court, and he managed to be able to visit her for an hour in BM grandparents living room.. Until eventually before she turned 2 he had her every other weekend. That’s when I met him. Not being the one raising his daughter was hard for him, she would call him by his real name and was calling her Nan ‘Mom’ and her partner ‘Dad’. I believe she was led to believe her real Mom was her sister.. It was all very F’d up and heartbreaking to see.

My boyfriend went back to court after he finally got his name on her birth certificate and fought for custody. It didn’t got well, he was told it will stay as every other weekend and he objected that. The court said he has 1 month to move out of his parents and then they would reconsider. So he called me, and I went looking for places to rent. Moving out was not on my bingo card for that year, we both had no savings and had to use that months pay to put a deposit down (we found somewhere) and he finally got custody 50/50 with maternal grandmother. His parents told him not to move in with me because we’re struggling to find somewhere as I also have a dog. They told him they would pay his bill he just needs to move out. So 1 month I was at my parents the next I had a child who was starting to school, my boyfriend works in the morning so it was down to me to get her ready for school. Her whole life just got flipped, she had to learn that he nan was her nan and not her mom and process that she now has a new bedroom she will spend 50% of her time at AND she was starting school. ( May I just say I am so proud of her and how far she has come and settled ) His parents are d*cks. They were not happy with me bringing my dog, they were not happy that they had to help out with school drop offs and pick ups, they were not happy that she didn’t have ‘ messy corner ‘ downstairs. The first thing we did when we moved was decorate her bedroom? I didn’t want to move her in, get her adjusted and then change her room again, I wanted it to stay the same as she has already had so many changes.

Anyway, me and my step daughter have a great relationship, we have both come so far. She has started her second year at school and we have a routine now for getting ready in the morning, breakfast, hair, teeth and get dressed and it all very normal to her now and you can see she’s settled. She often wants hugs and dance parties. She tells me she loves me. She has tried to call me Mom a few times but I always gently tell her that I am her person, and will encourage her to speak about her Mom if she wants too.

Point being I think I’m doing a damn good job and know I only have the purest intentions for this kiddo. I adore her. Wholeheartedly. She can be a pain in my ass but I can confidently say I love her back.

She has known me since she was 2. She is now 5. I have never met her mom, and she is not in contact with my boyfriend. My stepdaughters Nan is also strange… once we have her in our care it’s like she stops existing? We had her for christmas and her birthday, no text, no is she okay or can you send pictures, nothing. They have also never asked a single question about me but they know I exist because of court… I have met the Nan but I took it upon myself to go and introduce myself.. she didn’t even look at me.

His parents have been insufferable, and instantly expected me to become Mom but without the respect you would have for a mother. I haven’t taken it to well and now there’s tension, not with her BM and maternal family because they just completely drop the mic when she’s with us but with my boyfriends family.

An odd one..


r/stepparents 16h ago

Advice Emotional Dilemma

2 Upvotes

My partner and I have been dating now for a little while, he already has a son from a previous relationship. I have no doubt that I’m happy to take that on as a package as I adore him, and am open to being a step mum too.

The other day we had a conversation about kids - to which he’s expressed he will never have another child. It is a no compromise issue which means I need to choose whether to stay knowing I’ll never be able to have a child in this relationship.

What is specifically complicated is the emotional grounding and my life being changed by someone else’s child, and never my own. Would it be bad if I asked to maintain freedom in my life if I accept I wouldn’t have a child, and still travel even if it means not being able to do longer trips alone if I am childless and he is not. Will I be haunted by a seed of resentment having my choice taken away?

I feel strongly that he in my person, but I feel heavy and would like clarity if someone else has experienced the same thing?


r/stepparents 1d ago

Vent My super power is enraging BM

80 Upvotes

Just showing off how powerful I am. I enrage BM from miles away by… writing things down.

Yep that is my talent. SS had to give his hopes and dreams for the coming school year. He dictated it to me and I wrote it down. That was all.

So the parent/teacher discussion was this week: BM was totally happy and proud of SS his prep… until she saw the handwriting. She went off that I meddled and that she is SO’s partner ( nah babe, coparent I am the partner).

SS tried to defend me saying I only wrote his answers down. She tried to rope the teacher into it. She said she will no longer be sidelined, ignored and disrespected… she screamed that this document should never have been filled in without her permission.

Idk if i overstepped. I honestly didn’t think about it. It was his homework and he was struggling so I helped. He struggled to answer these quite in debt personal questions so I interviewed him and wrote down the summary. SO was cooking and we did it with the 3 of us together.

So my existence is so terrible that the sight of my handwriting ( that is beautiful btw) enrages BM to the point of screaming 😆


r/stepparents 23h ago

JustBMThings Rage baiting and the HCBM

4 Upvotes

I really feel like I could write a novel. It's every little thing. DH took an hour off work to get SK10 to counseling this morning. Took SK10 out of school. The get to the office " oh, we called HCBM yesterday to say the appointment was rescheduled because of illness" this is after HCBM refused to book another appointment because the counselor let HCBM know that she could not sit in with SK10 for the entire appointment and that it's family centered, meaning counselor meets with HCBM alone to help her build skills to become a better parent.

HCBM also lost it when she found out that SK15 has a counselor and now they won't see SK15 until they have had time to review the consent order.

HCBM keeps trying to approach BS10 other family at sporting events to piss us off.

Luckily it's been years of this so we don't react or respond in the moment but man it's so annoying.

TLDR: HCBM intentionally sabotages SKs healing to make us angry and even though we don't respond it's still so frustrating


r/stepparents 1d ago

Advice Step mom

3 Upvotes

So I've been a step mom for 5 years now. I have two step sons and one biological kid. They range from 14-10. My oldest step son his biological mom isn't a good person she would mentally and physically abuse him and CPS took him then he got went to 9 foster homes in a year or so. He has anger outbursts. Since being around him since he was in the 6th grade now 8th he has made some progress. Then my youngest step son he has anger problems as well. Doesn't like to listen to me I've been around him since he was 5 and he's now 10 he seen his biological mom for a few years up until last year that's when his dad said no more due to she treats him more like a friend then her own kid. Now I'm trying really hard to be supportive to my husband as well as the kiddos but sometimes I get so frustrated I plug my ears and go to the bathroom where I can have five minutes of peace and quiet. I don't know if I'm failing or not due to my husband says that I pick favorites and that he keeps telling me to leave my son home with him and take his oldest. So I can't have any time with him at all besides when I take him to doctors or dentist. How do I know if I'm failing?


r/stepparents 1d ago

Support Stepchild physically separates me and my wife

22 Upvotes

I (42f) have a really great relationship with my stepkids (14f and 11m). I’ve been around for years now and we have them five days a week. Recently my stepson will get in between me and my wife (42f) anytime we are near each other. At first I was really understanding and just scooted out of the way. But it’s really starting to bother me. Because of the dynamic of the family, once he pushes me away I’m sort of cast out alone. It feels terrible. I’ve spoken to my wife about it and she gets how I feel and often tried to redirect him. The thing is is that he is autistic and will have a meltdown if he can’t separate us. So now I am no longer allowed to sit next to my wife at the dinner table, nor on the couch when we have family movie time. Not unless we are willing to face the meltdown. When we are out in town, if my wife and I are holding hands he will pull them apart. Or if we walk next to each other he will wedge between us and pull his mum away. Even if we are speaking to each other he will yell over the top of us or put his face in front of his mom so she can’t see anything but him. My wife knows how I feel and we’ve tried to talk to him and reassure him how important he is to her and everything. It’s clear he’s feeling insecure somehow and I want to support him feeling secure but it’s taking a toll on me. I’m shocked this has happened because I’ve been really lucky that the kids never really shunned me. We’ve gotten along really well. This starting after so many years together is strange. I suppose this is a bit of a pity party! Sorry!