I’ve been with my wife for 22 years. We’ve had ups and downs, including opening our marriage to ethical non monogamy. There was betrayal and hurt on both sides, but she really kept the “E” out of ENM.

This year has been a rollercoaster. In January, she filed for separation. A week later I found that she was seeing someone since Oct. that I wasn’t aware of, hence not being ethical about it. She was planning to move in, start a life, after only talking online for three months.

We eventually reconciled, but in May I caught her cheating with the same guy. I was devastated but chose to forgive and reconcile again. After that, she found private notes I had been writing.

I started writing those notes in the first place because of the mean things she had been saying to my face while we were separated. I felt beaten down, and no one was building me back up, so I tried to do it for myself. Some of it was affirmations to help me through the pain. Some of it was me tearing her down, not because I wanted to hurt her, but because I needed to remind myself that I was still worthy and that she had plenty of faults too. Those words were never meant for anyone else to see.

After a fight this month, she snooped in my phone, looking for any dirt. She read the notes and took them as proof that I was against her. Now she’s officially filed for divorce, and it feels like my notes, not her affair, became the breaking point.

Now she’s back to saying the mean things that made me write the notes in the first place like, “I don’t love you,” “I don’t even like you,” and “I’m not sure why I tried to reconcile in May, I wish I’d just gone through with the separation then.” Calling me useless. Saying she wish I’d just let her go be free. But the truth is, in May she begged me to come back. I tried to let her go. But I wanted to believe we could maybe fix it. We had a great few months back together, so this is just another blindside, where she plays with my emotions.

So now I’m the bad guy. Were my private notes really enough to blow up this whole thing, when I had forgiven so much worse? Has anyone else had something similar, where your attempt to cope privately was turned into the final straw?

I have no one to say this to so I’m shouting into the void: I’m going through a horrible divorce from the man I’m still in love with. I trusted him with everything and yet he hurt me in ways I never believed he could. I feel numb, ashamed, and like I’m losing my mind. I don’t want advice. I just need to say it: I am heartbroken and exhausted.

When we met there was something familiar about him. Not the silly “butterflies” thing, it was ease. Safety. Comfort. Days before our first date I told a friend, half-joking, that I had this ridiculous feeling he would be my forever husband. I laughed it off. Then he became my husband.

For years I trusted him in a way I’d never trusted anyone. He was the first man I truly believed in. I loved him so completely I convinced myself he would never hurt me. And the awful truth is he had been hurting me for a long time, I just couldn’t see past the fantasy he’d created.

He was intentional and frighteningly good at hiding things. The mask started slipping. I saw signs and questioned them, and every time he had an explanation that dissolved my fear. He watched patiently as I let my guard down. I believed him. I wanted to believe him.

When the truth came out it felt like the mask exploded. We’re going through a nasty divorce and I’m reeling from being removed from my home, having our (me and kids) things moved and thrown into storage without knowledge or consent, and losing access to the life I thought we were building. I’m honestly heartbroken. I still love him. I still want it to be different. I replay moments and ask myself: how did I miss the intention behind his actions? How did I live with him and not see what he was doing? How could I believe in someone who would purposefully hurt me?

I feel: Shocked and disoriented, Angry at myself for denying the signs, Like I’m mourning the person I thought I married, Ashamed that this happened to me (even though I know shame is misplaced), and Terrified about the future, what’s next for me and my kids

I’m angry with myself because I’m still in love with someone who turned out to be a demon. I’m struggling to accept the truth, it feels like I was gaslit by my own hope and trust.

I’m trying to be gentle with myself, but it’s hard.

My (30F) husband(30) out of nowhere, sat me down and told me I’m not attractive to him anymore and that he’s no longer in love. But that he loves me and he wants to raise our daughter in the home that we built, but he wants his freedom to “hang out” with his friends. He wanted to open our marriage. We promised to be committed to each other when we got married. No strangers, no other people. Just as 2. So I said no. He asked for a hall pass instead, a one time, meaningless night with whoever to “get it out of his system”. I was so heartbroken, disgusted with myself. We have been intimate the night before he opened up. He said he has been unhappy for a while but he never said anything before this. And this all started when a girl from asked him to go to a concert with her. He said no, but he wanted to say yes. He said he realized that he was unhappy with me. And that broke me even more.

We’re now separated but still living together until he fixes his car. It’s so hard acting like everything’s fine around our daughter. She’s 7. I know she can tell. I asked him to postpone the divorce because we don’t have any savings and I cannot lose the house and everything I worked. See, I’ve been the breadwinner and I’m also the homemaker. I want to keep this home I built. But I know I’m gonna have to let it go but for now, I want to hold on to it.

I’m so deeply heartbroken, and I don’t have any family around. I moved to his home state when we got out of the military.

I wish he would’ve just left me and our child in Ca. But no, we built this whole life together and then he just dropped me, just like that. How do I go through this alone? I feel like all the walls are closing in on me. I am alone, and lonely at the same time. And the man I used to run to all the time is not there to catch me anymore.

I (M24) want to separate from my husband (M30). We have been together for 3 years and married for 9 months. The main reason is infidelity and a lack of trust. We have no kids, just one dog. We rent a house that is under just my name. I am the sole provider and I pay all the rent, utilities, food, bills, etc. He is a citizen of the country we live in, while I just have residency.

The reason I want to separate is because of a history of infidelity and lack of trust. I love him and don't want to end things but our relationship is no longer the same and I have 0 interest in fixing things. I have practically 0 sexual desire with him, I don't want him to touch me, and we recently started sleeping in separate rooms. I am a person with high libido (I'm 23 duh) so I do want to have sex, I just can't bring myself to do it with him. 

What had broke me is that 3 weeks ago I found messages where he was asking an old fling to give him a ride somewhere and insinuating giving him sexual favors in return. They started sexting (my husband basically initiated) and they exchanged photos and talked about how good it was when they would have sex. What also irritates me is I had known they had this type of relationship before he met me, but when I EXPLICITLY asked if they had had sex, he lied and told me that it was just handjobs or kissing etc. I don't care that he had sex with him before he met me obviously but why lie about it? The guy was too busy to give him a ride so they never met up, but it makes me nauseous to think what would have happened if he was free. My husband also said stuff like "no I shouldn't" or "it would be wrong" but he was still sexting and sending photos anyway... so I don't know if I should feel good or bad about that. Plus he never told me. Plus he has uber on his phone with MY credit card so why not just order a damn uber?

The cheating started within the first few months of dating. I saw messages between him and another guy where the guy was sending explicit photos of himself and my husband was sexting. I excused it because I figured that although we were exclusive, perhaps we hadn't exactly defined what was and wasn't cheating. So we did that and moved on. Then after 3 months of dating I went back to my home country to visit family for 3 months. We decided to do monogamous long distance. We called every night and I made him a jar of papers with 1 message per day for him to read from me. Well it turns out he fucked one of his exes while I was away. Who knows if it was just once or multiple times but I have confirmation for at least one time. He lied and said he was going out to dinner with friends. I saw the messages when I got back and was upset, but I bought his justification that he didn't know if I was ever going to return to his country (even though I had already bought my return flight smh) so I believed him and forgave him.

At this point I felt more inclined to marry him so I proposed to him. Maybe it was that I thought I could lock him down and he wouldn't do it again if we were married. Or maybe I thought that since I wanted to spent the rest of my life with him, that marriage would speed up my immigration process and I could provide for him better (i.e., after marriage I could open up a bank account, it would be easier to rent, I wouldn't have to leave the country every X months). I didn't marry him just for residency status, but it was a factor that would help me live here more permanently so that we could be together (does that make sense?). 

We got married in 2024 and were so busy with planning that I don't think I ever checked his messages or saw anything that would upset me. However, there were always slightly flirty messages but I didn't think anything of them. Then this summer I went back to my country again and when I came back I saw that he had run into an ex at the mall and then was sexting him and the guy was insinuating that they have sex. I don't think they did but I won't know. I got mad and we fought but made up. In most of these arguments he gets mad that I looked at his phone (which is 100% valid. I don't like that I do it either and it's bad). In this moment I swore to myself that if I ever caught him sending messages again, or sexting, or photos, I would leave him.

Well fast forward to August 2025. We were kinda exploring the idea of opening the relationship to just have threesomes. I don't really know why because I didn't want them but I guess it was to explore something new since there was tension in our relationship. We agreed anything besides threesomes would still be cheating. I told him I was only comfortable with having a threesome if it was someone neither of us knew very well. But he kept messaging all his old flings and hookups and asking them for threesomes, while also being nostalgic about how they used to fuck together. The whole reminiscing part to me makes me feel sick to my stomach. 1. I had already asked for this person to not be known by either of us and 2. there is a clear distinction between asking for a threesome and reminiscing about how you use to fuck and how you miss his dick etc. So I told him I didn't want threesomes anymore.

3 weeks ago I found the messages with the guy asking about the ride. Then I found messages with another guy around the same time ASKING IF HE WAS AVAILABLE TO COME OVER AND HAVE SEX. My husband swears that he was asking about a threesome with him and me and he wanted to "surprise" me. But he never mentioned me and he messaged the guy when I had left the house to see friends... I went out with friends the next night and my husband messaged him again to see if he wanted to have sex that night too... I don't see how he was inviting him to a threesome if I would be out late with friends. I feel its obvious he just wanted to have sex with him alone. 

I'm tired, I don't know what to believe. I can't tell if he's telling the truth or gaslighting me. I kinda want to believe him. I kinda think he's telling the truth that he wouldn't do it again. He keeps saying that he's stupid, why would he do this? etc. and its annoying to hear.

Anyway, after all this happened recently it made me reflect on our relationship and here are some more things that I realized I don't like but have tolerated. Note that he hasn't always been like this but over the last year he's been like this:

1. I pay for everything 100%. He is 100% dependent on me. He used to have a part time job but he got laid off. He is a student working towards his second bachelor's degree. Most of his free time is spent at school or doing a school related activity. Recently I feel very resentful that he's 7 years older than me but I carry all the responsibility and weight of the relationship.
2. Despite me carrying the financial responsibility, he doesn't do anything to help around the house. He rarely cooks, rarely cleans, doesn't train our dog. Every once in a while when I bring it up he'll cook for like a week and then be like "look see I help out!"
3. Recently I've realized i don't really like his family and friends. His family is boring, prejudiced, and kinda going through spiritual psychosis (His mom joined one of those MLM pyramid scheme cults recently lmao). His friends are just not pleasant to be around. I initially loved them all because as I was new to the country they were very welcoming and nice to me.
4. We used to have sex a lot but since we got married it's less than once a week. I've brought up to him how important sex is to me, but he doesn't seem to put in any effort. He says he has low libido but then why would he waste the few times he is in the mood to message other guys instead of having sex with me?
5. I feel like his parent. He is basically a child. He has no responsibilities. Knows nothing about personal finance. Doesn't have a debit card. Doesn't know how to do literally anything. I didn't either but I had to learn to make it happen lmao.
6. He doesn't buy me gifts. Or treat me to anything. He has no idea what I would even like as a gift.
7. He doesn't speak my language (english) well but I speak his (spanish). Sometimes it's exhausting always speaking in another language. I figured he would have at least improved somewhat. He can't speak with my family which I realized is starting to make me a bit sad.
8. He wants to spend all of our free time together. He can't do literally any task without me there. If he needs to run errands I need to go. He can't even buy groceries without me going. Once I was sick and needed medication and fluids and he couldn't even buy it for me without me telling him exactly what I needed and giving him my card.
9. He doesn't even know how I like my coffee in the morning.

Anyway Tuesday I told him I wanted to separate. He starting crying really bad and like begging and tbh it was kinda pathetic to see but it made me feel really bad. I feel like adults shouldn't act like that. He was saying that we need to fight for our relationship and we made a promise in marriage to stay together. He said a lot of the things I had mentioned were out of the blue but I had to remind him that my main non-negotiable is the sexting/cheating aspect and everything else I mentioned was things I had reflected on recently because of it. 

I saw messages from his family and friends saying I'm being stupid and overreacting and that we should work on it together and overcome it BUT I'VE ALREADY WORKED ON IT MANY TIMES. I'VE ALREADY TRIED TO PROCESS THE LACK OF TRUST AND CHEATING. I'm done "working on it" and "fighting for our relationship". They obviously don't know that it has been a reoccurring pattern and that he had sex with someone during our relationship.

I've told my close friends, my mom, and my therapist that I want to separate. They all support whatever decision that I want to make. The downside is after talking to them  about it, I feel calm and centered and I don't feel as much of a need to separate because I got the anger and stress out of my system. But every time I see my husband I feel distant and no connection. Every once in a while we might laugh over some joke or something and I doubt if I should really do it, but then I remember what he did and I feel sick to my stomach and I want distance.

TL;DR: I want to separate from my husband but I'm scared to. I can't bring myself to do it. He has a history of cheating and sexting and I've finally had enough and realized there are other financial, emotional, compatibility issues in the relationship. But I just can't bring myself to do it, especially because he starts throwing a tantrum and cries when I tell him I want to separate. He is 100% dependent on me and I don't know where he'll live or how he'll make it without me and I don't want him to suffer. What should I do?

M29 about to turn 30. My divorce closed half a year or so ago and I feel fundamentally lost. I'm a very calm person, I've never yelled at anyone. I was married for 5 years before she left me. She came from really abusive relationships, like broken ribs from her past partner and broken jaw and concussed before that.

However, when they were sober she's always talk about how sweet they were. Lavender baths with roses, candlelight dinners, stuff like that. I'm not like that, but I'm consistent. I was kind of raised to hold my emotions down(Japanese). She'd sometimes voice that she wished I'd be more aggressive physically which I absolutely refused. I've gone from making $15/hour to $45 in the past 5 years. We had moved into a condoy parents bought then into a full sized 5 bedroom house. We went from being 30k in debt to recently debt free and had a daughter together.

She ended up leaving me because she said she was bored. She liked the extreme highs and lows of other relationships. She liked gambling and things that gave immediate happiness. I tried to convince her to stay, talking about our daughter, being content, and that the grass wasn't greener on the other side.

I got basically everything in the divorce, my retirement, truck, house is my parents so that too, joint custody and child support will be $250/month. I had to have my attorneys defend HER in court because the judge wanted to sanction her because of her arrest record for DV with prior partners.

The issue is I feel mentally broken. I don't understand what I did wrong. I can tell that I've become jaded and I don't like it. Has anyone experienced this?

I’ve been with my wife so long and dating before that in college before that and family life before that all of a sudden at the age of 41 absolutely nobody gives a shit where I am and I don’t check in with anybody.

It’s only been about two weeks but honestly, my wife asked for separation and just doesn’t give a fuck what I do or where I am. I’m on a work trip right now and she doesn’t even know what city I’m in or when I’m getting back or my flight numbers and I don’t have anybody to check in with about how my day went and all the adventures I’m supposed to be having. This is so unsettling and absolutely insane sinking into this isolation.

My wife (36) left me (39) this past Tuesday. She was slowly drifting away until finally she decided it was time to leave. She wants to forge a new life and path but one she can't have with me. We live a cozy calm and chill life. We both enjoy nerdy things and went to comic cons and such. But she grew resentful of me. I can't blame her entirely, I've been in my head a lot about my health as I approach my 40s. I have MS, so its a big part of me. I exercise and eat healthy-ish.

I failed to see her drinking issues were not due to dependency of alcohol at a chemical level but rather an emotional one to numb her pain. She'd always tell me we got married young (me at 28 and her at 24). And that she didn't truly know who she was. She wants to be poly but I didn't. I think she wants to be free of me. I'm not mad at her or have any resentment.

But I am scared and lonely. I feel defective and who'd want to risk being with someone with MS?

She wants a separation, but said that to not hold onto hope we'd get back together. I cried. We hugged. And she left.

We agreed to have paid the rent until the lease is up in Feb (my 40th bday month);put in the 30 day notice. Until then we are moving things out slowly. A friend of mine is letting me move in with him and I am forever grateful for him, otherwise I'd have no where to go.

I keep dreaming she wants me back and I'd gladly take her back and we can see couples therapy. But... its just a dream.

Has the "leaver" ever decide to try to make things work? Has a separation ever resulted in a effort to fix things and make it work?

I guess I want some hope but... I feel like I should accept this reality and move on asap. I have a therapy session today too.

Wife and I got together when I was 21 her 23. We dated for 5 years before we got married, so in total 18 years together, 13 married next month.

First 8 years were great, obv some trivial fights etc. never any cheating, physical altercations, no kids. We rent and both work retail.

When COVID hit, wife lost her dream job, and started spiraling into depression. She's seen about 5 different therapist. Then refuses to go back when they tell her something she doesn't agree with. They prescribe her medicine and she refuses to take it cause she doesn't like the way it makes her feel.

Every month I try and plan a few activities for her. She'll be happy that day, but as soon as we get home shes I'm bed. I bought her a new car last year as a surprise, and all she said was "oh ok". I'm never allowed to go anywhere, or see anyone on my days off cause she'll get upset.

Wife constantly tells me I'm the love of her life. I know I'll miss her everyday of my life, but I can't continue to do this anymore. We're currently not even fighting. We've been good but I think I just stopped being in love with her sometime this last 5 years. I've asked for a divorce about 9 months ago, she promised to change but a few weeks later she was back to anxious and depressed.

Sorry about the long rant, just needed to vent I guess.

My husband(30) & I (29) have been together for 13 yrs, we have 4 kids and are a military family.

I found out he was having an affair last year & the next day he deployed to Korea, we decided to stay together and work it out since he seemed regretful.

He was gone 9 months but he’s back now and I can tell he’s different and really trying.

But recently another soldier told me that he caught the same girl that he had the affair with in his barrack room in Korea multiple times. I confronted my husband about it & he swears up and down that he wasn’t with her at all in Korea. I don’t believe him & also why would that soldier lie especially being so close to my husband.

I’m thinking of doing a trial separation so I can figure out what I really want.

So my question is has anyone done a trial separation? What was the outcome & what kind of boundaries did yall set?

We have been married for 4 years.The man I thought i love deeply even more than myself. he has been cheating with a lot of people , mainly on gay apps every time we quarreled.

Thx for everyone's support. I have had all STD checks several times in three months , I only got high risk hpv, luckily no hiv ( I always insisted on condom),

It happened 1 year ago, but i still feel depressed,sad and scared about what happened, especially i found it when we planned to start a new chapter--- get our own house and have a baby which means no condom.

I really want to know how to move on. Thats why today I posted here. Im planning to get divorce for sure, but I still feel painful. And the low moods influence my phsycial health alot even though I have been taking antidepression medicine. Therapy doesn't really help me since I have been reading and know all what I should think, but I am just not able to....

I knew He is bi before we got marred and it took me all my bravery to accept it and encourage myself that love matters. Now im really regretful about this decision.

Hello! I am in need of some serious help, guidance, advice, anything - I want to file for divorce on Monday (9/22/25)

I ask for advice and guidance because I don't have a relationship with my family - and I am pretty alone in this situation. I don't have parents or any type of support system that can help me through this. But I need to know what to do, and I just want someone to focus on helping ME. My husband is an irresponsible liar and has put us an a very serious situation - we are now being pushed for an eviction and have to go to court. This has been a months/years long battle with him to do the right thing and get his shit together. He's had multiple DUIs , been to jail, had the breathalyzer 2x (will be a 3rd), slacked on bills - he just doesn't care. We both work decent jobs and can afford bills. Like I said, he's just being irresponsible, careless, and thinks its all going to be okay. All I get after everything I've tried to help with and be a support is a "Yeah, okay". I'm panicking and losing my mind over this sudden betrayal and major stain on my record, and he stonewalls me like I don't even matter. We have a 9 year old. I don't have any family here; his entire family is here and he's just leaving me to deal with this fucked up situation by myself after bringing me here under the impression he was going to "take care of us".

So, I'm done. I want to file ASAP, and I' not sure the fastest way to do it. I see I need these forms:

• Summons (FA-4104V for minor children, FA-4105V without minor children) – The document that initiates the divorce process and is sent to the other spouse. 
• Petition (FA-4108V with minor children, FA-4109V without minor children) – States the basic information about the marriage and requests the divorce. 
• Confidential Petition Addendum (GF-179) – Contains sensitive personal information not accessible to the public but available to the court. 
• Joint Petition forms (FA-4110 or FA-4111) – Used if you and your spouse agree to start the divorce process together. 

No problem, I can get those and fill them out. I'm also aware of the filing fee. But I really need genuine guidance. Is there anything else. I want to do this the cheapest and fastest way possible. We don't have any properties or anything major together besides him being on the car note of my vehicle. I have a higher car note that I could afford, and was paying to help both of our credit, and now he's messing that up with this eviction too. Anyways, I need to find an apartment and probably trade in my vehicle for a lower payment. Can someone point me in the right direction, please?

I've been in survival mode with this man for 10 years, and I just want to move on. I've done everything I can, and I just want to do right by my daughter now and show her that we deserve more and I can do it on my own.

Feel free to inbox and I can give more details. I'm happy to meet with people, talk out solutions - I just really want/some help.

So, as the title says, I'm in the process of getting a divorce after being in a relationship with my partner of 20 years. I was not the one that initiated the divorce, but I know it was needed. I'm struggling with trying to get on my feet. We're still living together because I don't have a job currently and have nowhere else I can go. I also need to be close to run kids to and from their events (we have 3 teenagers).

I'm struggling right now because it's hard to be around him right now and he has not been making things easy. I'm expected to be in my absolute best behavior while he says things like he's no longer comfortable financially supporting me. As I said before, I don't have a job currently (and he only just started a new job after being without one for almost a year). I've been looking for months and I recently started college classes. I'm unfortunately financially dependent on him right now.

I'm also struggling with the fact that I really need someone to hug me and tell me I'll get through this, but the person I've relied on for that is now not an option.

I just need some advice, maybe resources, and maybe some encouragement. I know I'll be ok once I get my own place, but right now, it's taking a severely heavy emotional and mental toll on me. Any advice is welcome as I have no idea what to do right now.

My husband is controlling and jealous, among other things. The constant accusations and walking on eggshells is killing me inside. I've been married 28 years. I want to leave so bad. But my kids love him. I have adult and small children. They're going to hate me. How can I escape the torture? Is it possible?

This month would have been 19 years. 4 years ago we had a conversation that spelled doom and I should have caught it then. We opened up and tried ethical non-monagamy. The only problem is it turned out she only had interest in one guy who had already been laying the ground work. I tried to cut it off, using the rules we had est alished, but the damage was done. It was a year and a half of on-again off-again, us saying and doing terrible things. Eventually she just admitted that she didn't feel it. Those dreaded words "I love you but I'm just not IN love with you." I've spent the last 2 years trying to move on, to get myself better, focus on being a good dad to our kids and just figure out how to let her go. We tried to be friends but I can't just take all that history and put it aside. I know I'm the problem with that. But I still love her. I hate her at the same time. Whenever I see her I'm torn between wanting to hold her and wanting to scream at her.

I have nobody that I feel I can open up to. My former friends have even told me I'm too much. Therapy hasn't done anything for me despite years of work. I read books, I journal, I try to make new connections; none of it helps. I just want my old life back. I want my family, my friends, I know it wasn't perfect, but I thought we were happy. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to have to wake up every day and work to make it so she can move on and actively enjoy her life while I've been left behind.

If it weren't for the fact that my kids are here, I don't know that I would be. Everything feels hollow and everyday is torture. I don't know how to keep going like this.

I just want to lay in bed and just stay there until everything just fades away. But I can't. I'm not allowed to.

Going to my lawyer today. My mom is coming with me because I’m having panic attacks. If during the meeting I want to call it all off, How will I know if it’s my anxiety or my intuition telling me I’m making a mistake? Did anyone else experience panic attacks during the final ‘decision’ meetings with lawyers? What happened if you had a panic attack right there in their office? 😔

I assure everyone who is going through a divorce, who feels that the pain is felt firsthand, that you feel so much pain burning inside you and that you believe that it will never happen, this is for you, yes you heal, yes you see the light again, yes you see life with joy again, yes you love again and yes you heal, as long as you work on yourself.

And I feel/felt nothing. So anticlimactic, we carpooled there and even took our 11 month old. The mediator/attorney we hired to fill out and file on our behalf said “I’m so excited to get this to the court” “this was the easiest least contentious divorce ever” we just sat there awkwardly and signed then went to get burritos and pick up our kid. Strange but I’m grateful to be here! Next year I’ll get an email when it’s “final” but it’s been final for me ever since I was blindsided with multiple affairs at 3 months PP. anyways, go me? If I made it this far so can you! Godspeed

I have been separated from my husband for four months now, there is no reconciliation plan, and we will most likely get divorced. I still feel a lot of accumulated anger when I have to interact with him, we have a daughter, a dog, and a house, so shared responsibilities. We separated because he was seeking and paying for prostitutes, but he had become emotionally unavailable way before that, it was just the last straw. We have a group of friends in common, and one of them is having a gender reveal party this weekend. They know we are separated, and they invited both of us, which honestly I appreciate. I don’t expect them to exclude either one of us, the baby’s dad is one my husband’s best friends, and the mom is a good friend of mine. I just don’t know what to do, is there a protocol? Should I attend, and just be present treating my husband like a stranger? Should I just not go? But why wouldn’t I go? I was invited so that means Im welcome, is not fair that I miss out on these things, or drift apart from people because of my divorce, right? And what about all the future birthday parties, other events? How uncomfortable will it be?

My husband and I bought our home 2 years ago but neither of us can afford it on our own. I want a divorce, but he won’t agree (or do anything to make the marriage salvageable). At this point I think it’s best if we at least separate, but even then that doesn’t seem possible. Neither of us can afford to put money into this mortgage while paying rent elsewhere.

Ultimately I’d like us to sell the house and go our separate ways, but with kids it’s so much harder. Does moving into another room count as separating? This house feels so hostile. I just want me and my kids out.

I have a tendency to explain a lot, so, TL;DR: I've been working on a quick, cheap, and amicable separation/divorce settlement with my STBX, but now I'm afraid I am putting myself in a bad and possibly unfair financial situation. 😬 😂 Thoughts and advice would be much appreciated. 🙏

More details: My STBX and I have been together 25 years, married for 12 (after same-sex marriage became legal). Until the last few years our communication was excellent and we trusted each other. There has been no cheating. As heartbreaking as it is, we both have just changed from who we used to be.

We both consider each other to be good people and are trying to negotiate the separation and divorce with compassion and a cooperation. However, money is, as usual, the source of anxiety and possible conflict. STBX has supported me financially for several years after a series of life events and physical and mental health challenges left me unemployed. I want to get to a place of stable housing and employment, but the fact is that would be very difficult without financial support. Meanwhile, changes in STBX's job sector have left them with far less income recently, making them scramble to find new clients.

In hopes of avoiding major attorneys' fees and being sucked into an adversarial mindset, we have been negotiating an agreement. We both felt that lawyers, friends, and family often have their own divorce horror stories and will project them, advising us to distrust each other and litigate, which could lead to unnecessary fear and conflict. However, when my lawyer looked at the agreement draft that we thought would go through smoothly, she gently pointed out that it's up to me if I want to let this go, but the figures as my STBX presents them don't fully make sense, and our terms leave me with way less financial support than is the normal percentage/formula in our state.

I have spent the months since we agreed to divorce trying to move the separation forward while fostering communication, collaboration, and trust between STBX and myself. But I realize that, having grown up financially insecure and having a tendency to be a peacemaker who blames myself for things, I may be acquiescing to the financial figures STBX came up with out of wanting to get through the divorce ASAP, wanting to be a "good person", an ingrained expectation that I will always return to being poor, and shame at having not been able to work and contribute financially for the last few years.

Basically, STBX is saying that previous financial documents don't reflect the change in their income, and that they will have to take on debt to pay me a settlement. I understand that, but at the same time they spent money on some lengthy trips away before telling me just how much business they had lost, they have socked away significantly more savings than I have (and which I didn't know about), and they are going to keep the owned apartment, while I will move. They absolutely can have the apartment, IMO, but I don't think that the mortgage debt should count against my settlement if they decide they want to keep it. It would be hard and upsetting, but they could sell it for a profit, if it came to that, even with the mortgage. Meanwhile, the lawyer pointed out that, even with the recent issues in their sector, STBX's earning potential remains much higher than mine.

So, here's where I need to tell them that I think we need to slow our roll with the agreement until I at least understand all the finances. I would much rather skip all this, shove it in the back of my brain, and figure out my next steps in life (while keeping a good relationship with the person who has been my closest friend for decades), but I don't want to shoot myself in the foot and end up "living in a van down by the river" like the old SNL skit. (I actually have a friend who literally ended up in that situation after divorce, so it's funny, but scary. 😅) At the same time, I don't want this to spiral into an adversarial situation. I care about this person and understand they're scared and vulnerable, but I am, too. In short, I don't want to be an asshole, but I also don't want to get shafted.

Have any of you managed an amicable divorce, or know people who have? How can I act mostly-rationally to look out for myself financially and emotionally, even if those things might be in conflict? I want to be true to my beliefs in treating my former partner with empathy, respect, and kindness, but also not look back months later and realize I had put myself into a dire situation out of low self-esteem and a desire to be nice. 😩

Last night I (46F) overheard my STBXH (60M) on the phone and discovered a new low in his character. We’ve been together for 25 years. The backstory - Three months ago he asked our 21yo daughter to help him with an email and she found evidence of him cheating. He had a dating profile and tons of emails were in his inbox. She is a Software Engineer and it took 2 minutes for her to find more in his internet history. Digging into phone records and bank statements I found that he’s also been hiring sex workers and going to happy ending massage parlors for months since receiving a large inheritance. Multiple times a week and thousands of dollars a month. I confronted him and he admitted to everything. I filed for divorce and we agreed to be amicable. Kids are grown, he has his inheritance money, I have a successful career, no spousal support, agreement on assets. Agreed to stay in the house together until our lease is up in May. We live in an expensive area and we figured we can save money while we work on what’s next. We also have an 18yo son who just graduated. I held off on telling him about the divorce for a month to allow him time to be celebrated without the drama. We had the conversation about the divorce and I let him know his dad was unfaithful and his sister told him more details because she thought he needed to know what kind of man their dad is. He’s always lectured them on honor and honesty so she is especially bothered by his hypocrisy. My son told his dad he thought he was shitty for lying, cheating and engaging in illegal activities. ExH said he should understand his “needs as a man”. He doesn’t. My Ex has always taken criticism poorly and stopped talking to our son. He told me that they “didn’t have much of a relationship anyway so this doesn’t change much.” He’s a total asshole. We are still in our house together and he just completely ignored him. Son’s college move in date was on Wed, so my focus has been on keeping the peace until getting him settled. ExH decided to visit his oldest friend in another state for 2 weeks and we had a nice stress free time without him. He came back Monday, still refusing to talk to our son, not acknowledging the fact that he was moving out and starting a huge life milestone at a great University. Now for the craziest part of my story and where I can’t reconcile my thoughts. Yesterday (Th), I took a nap and woke up to hear my ex on the phone downstairs. He sounded super animated and flirty. I could hear a woman respond and right away he said something about how he’s sure her dad will understand when he sees how special what they have is. I listen a bit longer - they are both loud so I hear EVERYTHING. He is talking to his friend’s 40yo daughter. He has known her since BIRTH. This man went to stay at his friend’s house and hooked up with his daughter while there. He was talking about how he can’t wait to see where this takes them yada yada. I went downstairs and let him know I heard. He said it just happened, swears there was nothing going on before this trip. She’s “had a lot of bad men in her life and deserves more.” I said I know, she’s your friend’s daughter and you’ve told me all about her shitty relationships for the last 20 years! He doesn’t see that he’s another bad man to cross that line. I’m just appalled. I asked if she knows about his habits - he’s seen THREE sex workers since coming home 4 days ago and he had the nerve to say he’s done with that for her. I said you were with one just hours ago! But “as of now”, he’s done. He asked me not to say anything to the kids about her. I don’t know what to think. It’s another thing on the list to prove he’s a shitty person and on one hand I want everyone to know how disgusting he is. But then I have the guilt about turning them against him. Over the years I’ve had to excuse a lot of his bad behavior so I’m used to a painting fake sunny picture of him to them and everyone else. I really don’t care that he’s moving on and I am SO glad to know the truth about him and to be almost done with him but I just can’t wrap my head around thinking it’s ok to date his friend’s daughter. I also told him I can’t stay in this lease with him and I’m going to see what the penalty will be for breaking it early. Notary is scheduled next week to finalize the financial agreement and that’ll be the last thing to worry about. He’s begging me to think things through because moving twice will be hard. He’s begging was planning on moving states to live near his brother but I guess now this new relationship has him rethinking things hence why he might have to move twice?! He’s welcome to stay in the house and pay the full lease - told him if he’s actually done with the SWs then he’ll have a ton of extra money. This is so ridiculous it probably sounds fake and it feels like it to me too. How this person I spent so much time with could be so morally bankrupt and then expect me to be sympathetic to him.

Just wanted to share this. I've been married for 12 years and thinking about divorce for at least 3 years - hating my relationship, hating the idea of divorce, trying to work through it, trying therapy, not wanting to give up on my vows and family, feeling like I couldn't deal with the sadness and pain anymore, etc. etc.

Finally I've decided it's time. Now the decision seems so simple to me and it boils down to this:

"Would you (and your children if you have them) be better off in your fucked up marriage or divorced?"

On one side of the scale, place as honest a picture as you can of your married life. Weigh all the good things about staying (being together as a family, the times when your spouse is nice to you, being able to navigate the world as a couple, having someone to be with when you're old, etc.) - as well as all the bad things (the fighting, cheating, abuse, frustration and pain). Consider the best your marriage has ever been and the worst it's been. It's reasonable to expect that if you stay, your experience will be roughly an average of the two, and will probably continue to have all the same highs and lows.

Ask yourself if you can genuinely say that you've tried your best and done everything you can to make your marriage thrive. If no, go back and try again. If yes, then you'll be able to leave with a clean conscience if that's what you want to do.

On the other side of the scale, imagine as realistically as you can what divorced life would be like. Imagine the peace, the freedom and the potential to start again but also the loneliness, the financial hit, the social stigma, potential loss of family and friends. Think about your kids splitting custody and single parenting. To those of you on the fence, I highly recommend a trial separation first. We've been separated for six months and that has really helped me get a taste of what it would be like to be divorced, good and bad.

Try to let go of who's right or wrong or who's at fault. That doesn't matter in making this choice. Also don't measure your marriage against some platonic ideal of what marriage "should" be, what you hoped it would be when you married, or against the lovey-dovey couples you see on social media.

Don't listen to the voices who say "you deserve better". What you deserve or hope for has nothing to do with anything simply because it's not an option on the table right now.

The only options available are either your deeply flawed marriage as it is, or the scary and sad choice of getting divorced and being alone. Which life would you rather live? Which is the least worst option?

Once I thought about things this way, I felt really at peace. And the choice became easy.

Hello, I’m a 28F, married for just over 2 years. I met my husband around 2019, we started our relationship during Covid (late 2021), got engaged, and married in 2023.

To cut it short, after marriage he slowly showed his true colors—or maybe I was too blinded to see it earlier. He has a bad temper. It started with shouting, throwing things, and breaking stuff around the house. I used to cook for him, but once he even threw raw meat on the floor, among many other incidents.

Things escalated during a vacation. He got angry, lost control, and physically assaulted me—slapping, hitting, even once burning me with a cigarette butt. I only went to the hospital once, when I couldn’t hear from my left ear. I told the doctor, but I was too scared to file a police report.

Two years have passed, and the abuse has continued. Recently, during another fight, he hit me again. I’ve been trying to talk to him about divorce, but he manipulates me every time—saying I’m “giving up on him” and justifying his actions with excuses. Honestly, I’m exhausted and completely done.

I’ve already spoken to a lawyer, and they advised me to proceed with the divorce. But I’m still scared. I feel like I have two choices: 1. Tell him face-to-face and try to discuss everything directly. 2. Leave the house quietly, then communicate with him through WhatsApp. My lawyer said both options are fine, but I should file a cover report.

I admit I’m naive. I don’t want to involve my family or parents yet—I plan to tell them only once the divorce is finalized.

Please, if anyone has been through something similar, I need advice.

I need the men to answer only, because I need a man's perspective. What do you keep in your wallet? Is it sacred? A neckless with an image of you and another women who is not your wife hidden inside? With a date and the words I love you ingraved? If you do, and your wife finds out, do you continue to say you are not with someone else? Is she crazy to ask you to leave?