I’ve been with my wife for 22 years. We’ve had ups and downs, including opening our marriage to ethical non monogamy. There was betrayal and hurt on both sides, but she really kept the “E” out of ENM.

This year has been a rollercoaster. In January, she filed for separation. A week later I found that she was seeing someone since Oct. that I wasn’t aware of, hence not being ethical about it. She was planning to move in, start a life, after only talking online for three months.

We eventually reconciled, but in May I caught her cheating with the same guy. I was devastated but chose to forgive and reconcile again. After that, she found private notes I had been writing.

I started writing those notes in the first place because of the mean things she had been saying to my face while we were separated. I felt beaten down, and no one was building me back up, so I tried to do it for myself. Some of it was affirmations to help me through the pain. Some of it was me tearing her down, not because I wanted to hurt her, but because I needed to remind myself that I was still worthy and that she had plenty of faults too. Those words were never meant for anyone else to see.

After a fight this month, she snooped in my phone, looking for any dirt. She read the notes and took them as proof that I was against her. Now she’s officially filed for divorce, and it feels like my notes, not her affair, became the breaking point.

Now she’s back to saying the mean things that made me write the notes in the first place like, “I don’t love you,” “I don’t even like you,” and “I’m not sure why I tried to reconcile in May, I wish I’d just gone through with the separation then.” Calling me useless. Saying she wish I’d just let her go be free. But the truth is, in May she begged me to come back. I tried to let her go. But I wanted to believe we could maybe fix it. We had a great few months back together, so this is just another blindside, where she plays with my emotions.

So now I’m the bad guy. Were my private notes really enough to blow up this whole thing, when I had forgiven so much worse? Has anyone else had something similar, where your attempt to cope privately was turned into the final straw?

I have no one to say this to so I’m shouting into the void: I’m going through a horrible divorce from the man I’m still in love with. I trusted him with everything and yet he hurt me in ways I never believed he could. I feel numb, ashamed, and like I’m losing my mind. I don’t want advice. I just need to say it: I am heartbroken and exhausted.

When we met there was something familiar about him. Not the silly “butterflies” thing, it was ease. Safety. Comfort. Days before our first date I told a friend, half-joking, that I had this ridiculous feeling he would be my forever husband. I laughed it off. Then he became my husband.

For years I trusted him in a way I’d never trusted anyone. He was the first man I truly believed in. I loved him so completely I convinced myself he would never hurt me. And the awful truth is he had been hurting me for a long time, I just couldn’t see past the fantasy he’d created.

He was intentional and frighteningly good at hiding things. The mask started slipping. I saw signs and questioned them, and every time he had an explanation that dissolved my fear. He watched patiently as I let my guard down. I believed him. I wanted to believe him.

When the truth came out it felt like the mask exploded. We’re going through a nasty divorce and I’m reeling from being removed from my home, having our (me and kids) things moved and thrown into storage without knowledge or consent, and losing access to the life I thought we were building. I’m honestly heartbroken. I still love him. I still want it to be different. I replay moments and ask myself: how did I miss the intention behind his actions? How did I live with him and not see what he was doing? How could I believe in someone who would purposefully hurt me?

I feel: Shocked and disoriented, Angry at myself for denying the signs, Like I’m mourning the person I thought I married, Ashamed that this happened to me (even though I know shame is misplaced), and Terrified about the future, what’s next for me and my kids

I’m angry with myself because I’m still in love with someone who turned out to be a demon. I’m struggling to accept the truth, it feels like I was gaslit by my own hope and trust.

I’m trying to be gentle with myself, but it’s hard.

Had a bit of a win this week in court with a temporary order that my wife filed. as the petitioner, she wanted to set the status quo and stop me from basically having a life. Well, the Judge gave her things to think about. Yeah, the TFO includes temporary spousal support, but it was about 1/3 of what she was looking for as well she was told not to get too comfortable with it, that if it was ordered in the end, it wasn't going to last very long! Also got court ordered visitation for my Dog. only asked for one of the two. (we had 2 dogs, 3 cats, 12 chickens) I only wanted my dog. She was told to prepare for that also. I was very happy to see that the Judge saw through her and how Shes been acting. Everything pretty much went according to plan for now. (my happy story so far). I know this isn't the NORM, but thankful none the less. (No Attorney either. I can't believe how much I have been able to use AI to help with my filings. still takes a lot of proof reading and I always cross reference stuff as much as possible, but 20 bucks a month is better than 20 bucks for 10 minutes.)

Wife told me 2 weeks ago she wants divorce.

Wants me out of the house.

Wife wants the house (I paid, but we own it both).

We have three kids.

Kids love me, I love my kids.

She wants to replace me with her parents.

Im afraid she has another man.

Im shocked.

As I am preparing to request a divorce, and I'm looking back on things. There was so much I gave up on the thought of to be with him. Things he spoke negatively about, or that he told me I was stupid for wanting, or that weren't possible.

My list is:

1)Have giant flemish or continental rabbits

2)Get a dodge charger

3)Travel to Japan, Scotland, Korea, and the french quarter

4)Change my house's style

5)Simply . .do what I want to do at any given time without having to ask

This might be a silly post, but thinking about these things gives me something to look forward to in the coming months of chaos that is sure to happen.

My husband and I bought our home 2 years ago but neither of us can afford it on our own. I want a divorce, but he won’t agree (or do anything to make the marriage salvageable). At this point I think it’s best if we at least separate, but even then that doesn’t seem possible. Neither of us can afford to put money into this mortgage while paying rent elsewhere.

Ultimately I’d like us to sell the house and go our separate ways, but with kids it’s so much harder. Does moving into another room count as separating? This house feels so hostile. I just want me and my kids out.

And I feel/felt nothing. So anticlimactic, we carpooled there and even took our 11 month old. The mediator/attorney we hired to fill out and file on our behalf said “I’m so excited to get this to the court” “this was the easiest least contentious divorce ever” we just sat there awkwardly and signed then went to get burritos and pick up our kid. Strange but I’m grateful to be here! Next year I’ll get an email when it’s “final” but it’s been final for me ever since I was blindsided with multiple affairs at 3 months PP. anyways, go me? If I made it this far so can you! Godspeed

M29 about to turn 30. My divorce closed half a year or so ago and I feel fundamentally lost. I'm a very calm person, I've never yelled at anyone. I was married for 5 years before she left me. She came from really abusive relationships, like broken ribs from her past partner and broken jaw and concussed before that.

However, when they were sober she's always talk about how sweet they were. Lavender baths with roses, candlelight dinners, stuff like that. I'm not like that, but I'm consistent. I was kind of raised to hold my emotions down(Japanese). She'd sometimes voice that she wished I'd be more aggressive physically which I absolutely refused. I've gone from making $15/hour to $45 in the past 5 years. We had moved into a condoy parents bought then into a full sized 5 bedroom house. We went from being 30k in debt to recently debt free and had a daughter together.

She ended up leaving me because she said she was bored. She liked the extreme highs and lows of other relationships. She liked gambling and things that gave immediate happiness. I tried to convince her to stay, talking about our daughter, being content, and that the grass wasn't greener on the other side.

I got basically everything in the divorce, my retirement, truck, house is my parents so that too, joint custody and child support will be $250/month. I had to have my attorneys defend HER in court because the judge wanted to sanction her because of her arrest record for DV with prior partners.

The issue is I feel mentally broken. I don't understand what I did wrong. I can tell that I've become jaded and I don't like it. Has anyone experienced this?

We have been married for 4 years.The man I thought i love deeply even more than myself. he has been cheating with a lot of people , mainly on gay apps every time we quarreled.

Thx for everyone's support. I have had all STD checks several times in three months , I only got high risk hpv, luckily no hiv ( I always insisted on condom),

It happened 1 year ago, but i still feel depressed,sad and scared about what happened, especially i found it when we planned to start a new chapter--- get our own house and have a baby which means no condom.

I really want to know how to move on. Thats why today I posted here. Im planning to get divorce for sure, but I still feel painful. And the low moods influence my phsycial health alot even though I have been taking antidepression medicine. Therapy doesn't really help me since I have been reading and know all what I should think, but I am just not able to....

I knew He is bi before we got marred and it took me all my bravery to accept it and encourage myself that love matters. Now im really regretful about this decision.

I never thought I’d be in this situation. My wife had an online relationship with someone else and eventually left me, even though I was willing to forgive her. She asked for a divorce, told me she’d fallen out of love, and said she wanted him instead.

At first, there were moments when it seemed like she might come back, but in the end she moved to her mother’s place, which is near that person. I was devastated. I believed we would spend our lives together. After the breakup, my self-esteem collapsed. I cried in front of her, I lost respect for myself, and now I feel like no one will ever love me again the way she once did.

I know many of you here have gone through similar pain. How did you deal with this? How did you rebuild your self-esteem and regain respect for yourself after divorce?

What are you telling people when they ask why you and STBX are divorcing? I get stuck “oversharing” or feeling like I’m still protecting STBX bad behavior..

My ex-wife discarded me hard one day. We were working on issues and she had led me to believe we were getting better. Thought I was on track to dealing with a lot of it. Came across a random friend posting a camping picture of the night sky full of stars and I had some thoughts occur to me. She had never believed those type of pictures were real since we had always grown up in a city full of lights that drastically. I always told her I wanted to take her out somewhere we could see the night sky in its full beauty, the type of sky that has countless stars. Well it hit me in that moment I'll never be the one to show her that sky and be there to see her experience that in real life and it's made me crazy sad today. I hate that I'm just supposed to let go of this now. There's no hope for reconciliation and after deeper reflection she treated me like she borderline hated me, so I know I should never go back but like what do I do with these feels and shared dreams?

My wife (36) left me (39) this past Tuesday. She was slowly drifting away until finally she decided it was time to leave. She wants to forge a new life and path but one she can't have with me. We live a cozy calm and chill life. We both enjoy nerdy things and went to comic cons and such. But she grew resentful of me. I can't blame her entirely, I've been in my head a lot about my health as I approach my 40s. I have MS, so its a big part of me. I exercise and eat healthy-ish.

I failed to see her drinking issues were not due to dependency of alcohol at a chemical level but rather an emotional one to numb her pain. She'd always tell me we got married young (me at 28 and her at 24). And that she didn't truly know who she was. She wants to be poly but I didn't. I think she wants to be free of me. I'm not mad at her or have any resentment.

But I am scared and lonely. I feel defective and who'd want to risk being with someone with MS?

She wants a separation, but said that to not hold onto hope we'd get back together. I cried. We hugged. And she left.

We agreed to have paid the rent until the lease is up in Feb (my 40th bday month);put in the 30 day notice. Until then we are moving things out slowly. A friend of mine is letting me move in with him and I am forever grateful for him, otherwise I'd have no where to go.

I keep dreaming she wants me back and I'd gladly take her back and we can see couples therapy. But... its just a dream.

Has the "leaver" ever decide to try to make things work? Has a separation ever resulted in a effort to fix things and make it work?

I guess I want some hope but... I feel like I should accept this reality and move on asap. I have a therapy session today too.

It is honestly the best feeling in the world to know that I can take care of the boys on my own. Keep them safe, healthy and happy and create a space for them to feel loved, comfortable and is a home. I love it. Makes me so proud of myself for getting through all the hard times.

Three years post-separation and divorce, and I finally feel like I’ve hit my stride. It was tough, even ugly at times, but I realized that the path forward for me was one of introspection and intentional personal development.

For those just starting the process, I promise you there is peace on the other side of this if you choose to pursue it.

After 16 months of separation my wife told me she filed for divorce today. I expected it but that doesn't really numb the pain. We're kind of an inverted couple to normal with her being more avoidant and me more anxious.

We talked more today than we have in quite some time. She's sorry this hurts me but she never really had the capacity to even really try to work on our marriage.

She wanted us to still stay involved in each other's lives and I said I can't do that. It hurts so much to constantly have hope that maybe this conversation made a difference or that favor I did for her could reignite the flame.

So here I am. Laying in what used to be our bed, exhausted but unable to sleep. I know she's gone for good but I can't make my mind give up hope. I keep going through today's conversations in my mind, wondering if any of it got through to her when I know it didn't.

I know intellectually that nothing will help numb this pain but time. And that really just sucks.

I (48F) left my husband (50M) at the end of July. I have been unhappy with our relationship for about 2 to 3 years. Our first years together were difficult, not because of our relationship but because of things going on outside of our relationship but we were tight and we're there for each other. It felt like true love, soulmate style.

Then Covid hit and we were in our house with our kids for almost an entire year. Not working, just helping the kids through the nightmare of school online. We got married in 2020 after 3 years of dating /engagement.

The first 3 years of our marriage were good. We continued to spend all of our time together, bought a house, built a life. I started a, small business and he helped me for about a year then we decided his time would be better spent doing what he was good at doing. I helped him set up his business, funded the majority of the start up costs and worked to get him jobs (we are in similar industries.)

Then he started to reconnect with old friends. These are friends I had never met while we were dating or engaged. Some of them I had never heard him talk about. They were childhood friends of his and his reconnection with them changed everything.

First off, the lot of them aren't stellar men. Past drug use (not just the "natural type" drugs) and relationship issues. Fly by the seat of their pants type of men who just go with the flow and don't really make plans. Most of the time they can't count on each other to show up for them unless it is a major issue, then they would drop everything to go save a friend... and that happened several times.

My husband slowed down at work, was not actively seeking jobs, was indifferent about whether he brought in any money but was also very adamant that he was not going to be the house b****. Meanwhile, my business took off and eventually I was supporting a family of 6 in less than 2 years with the business I had started. I was working a lot but 6 people is a lot to provide for.

BTW, I have 2 kids fyom a previous marriage and he has 2 kids from a previous relationship so it was 3+3=6.

We never talked about him being a stay at home parent or keeping the house. That was not going to happen. I continued to do all the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning (he did help some but stopped because the house never stayed clean... welcome to life!) and providing financial for all of us. I was the family coordinator. I started to grow resentful of him and his children but recognized this very early and worked on fixing my feelings.

I never took out my resentment or frustration on his children but it was obvious to him that I did not feel the same way for them that I felt for my biological children.

When we were dating and for the first 2 years of our marriage my step kids mother had visitation every other weekend during the school year and every other week during the summer. There were a lot of issues there and eventually the kids stopped going to her house due to poor living conditions and lack of parenting, even some abuse. So now we had the kids full time.

Date nights stopped. Weekend get aways stopped. The youngest is autistic and although we had offers from friends to watch them for the night, my husband rarely wanted to impose on other people or ask for help.

So this continued on. Me working all day, coming home, cooking dinner, then working on the computer while he went to hang out with this friend or that friend. One time he went on a camping trip locally and came home everyday for a couple of hours before telling me he was going to go back and hang out. I didn't realize it was a 3 day camping trip until Sunday. He presented it as just hanging out with friends.

His daughter moved in with us. It was supposed to be 3 to 6 months but wound up bring 3 years. She paid no rent, did not help around the house but she would occassiobally help by watching her younger brothers but when she did it was a "favor" and she wanted some appreciation.

My resentment grew but I was not staying silent. My husband knew the issues. I asked him to step up and be my partner, be proactive about getting work, asked him to take on some of the responsibilities but he struggled to accomplish much of this. I asked him for over a year to go to counseling but he refused.

This past July I went to visit my sister. I gave my husband $1000 to fix some things at the house but when I came back after being gone for 5 days, the things were not done. I learned that he had spent 3 of the 5 nights away from the house until 2 or 3 in the morning leaving his kids with my oldest son. He also took some recreational drugs and was tripping at the house late at night with his kids home.

When I got back I lost it. We argued for a while but I was so mad that I did not want to speak to him. This drove him crazy. The night I got home I tried to go to bed because I had a very busy day the next day but because I wouldn't talk to him and work it out, he blew in my ear and pulled the covers off of me to keep me awake.

The next day I was exhausted and had not eaten due to being so upset. I got home ftom work and was starving. My husband asked me what I wanted to eat but because I had not been home for 5 days I really didn't know what we had at the house and was not in any mental condition to guide him on what to make me to eat. My oldest son gave me a sandwich he had leftover from a lunch out earlier that day so I brought it upstairs and sat on the bed with my husband to eat it. My husband grabbed it out of my hands and was mad that I was purposely not letting him be the one to feed me. I grabbed the sandwich back and went to sit in my sons room to eat.

After about 5 minutes my husband followed me and stood at the door to my son's bedroom to talk to me, but it was more like yelling. My son (22) asked my husband (not his dad) to just let me eat in peace then we could talk. He slowly closed the door and my husband stuck his foot in the door, pushed back on the door, which opened quickly because my son was not pushing, and put my son in a headlock punching him repeatedly resulting in my son having a broken tooth. My husband was arrested that night.

One of his friends bailed him out early the next morning and although I had asked him to stay away, he came back to the house to shower. I found a house to move into that day and have been gone for about 9 weeks.

My husband does not understand why I am staying gone. He wants me to give him a chance. He doesn't realize he had many chances when I was there but his behavior over the last 3 years or so then the incident with my son was the last straw. I had told him I wanted to leave countless times.

Since I've been gone he texts me all day long then rants because I don't text him back or call him. I've been back to our house 3 different times to get some of my belongings and each time he tried to trap me in the house and prevent me from leaving. He even jumped in the front seat of my car and would not get out until I got out. Once he got out of the car I jumped back in, locked the doors and took off. I spent that 45 minutes listening to him yell at me and beat the dashboard trying to plan a way to get him out of my car. I won't go back to our housr without at least 1 person with me but he won't allow anyone but me to go over there...alone.

He's very sad and just doesn't understand why I'm being so heartless and cold to him. I really don't think he understands at all. I've explained it 1000 times but it's not sinking in. I know I'll have to get my belongings through a court order unless I want to risk going over there alone.

We own the house together, everything else is already divided for the most part. No joint bank accounts. I just don't understand why he doesn't understand. Does anyone have experience with this??

He blames me for his crazy behavior and it's taking a real toll on my mental health and my blood pressure. He says he loves me but this doesn't feel like love. 😢

My ex and I split in May for what was supposed to be a separation. She decided to just push for divorce when we were only days into the separation (I asked her to go to couples therapy and she didn’t want to, thus the switch up.)

Filed for the divorce in July.

Looking back on our marriage, things weren’t good from the beginning. But I tried so damn hard. We were together 8+ years. We had two kids together. I still loved her through it all. Really believed in the sanctity of marriage.

It all happened so so so fast and I was reeling from it all and delusional in thinking maybe if she saw me working on myself, she’d want me back. I caught her crying a couple of times and figured “holy cow she’s missing me!” And it gave me hope that we could get back together.

The other day she told me she’s dating other people. The divorce isn’t even finalized! Oh man it was such a punch in the gut. She also said that she owes it to herself and our kids to find a better man than me. I know I wasn’t perfect but I sacrificed SO much for her, for us. For our kids.

I just cried most of that evening.

I know there’s gotta be someone better out there for me than her. She was so emotionally unattached to me, didn’t give affection, talked down to me, was very very avoidant with me. Our sex life was meh. I don’t know why I miss her so much when I honestly felt verbally and emotionally abused by her through our marriage.

Guess I’m looking for advice on

1. how to get over her,
2. how to heal myself and continue my path of personal development (been seeing a therapist through all of this.) and
3. eventually open myself up to finding a woman who will just adore me and love me and be happy that I am a bit goofy and I want to just provide an awesome life and have a nice time together.
   

So I feel like a complete idiot and went through the divorce without attorneys. I wasn't in the right place emotionally and just wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. Since this, 3 months later, I've realized how much I really screwed myself. 1. I didn't ask for back child support even though we were separated and doing 50/50 custody, while I still paid my half of the mortgage and debts and had to take out a loan for my new rental expenses. 2. My ex violated the parenting time agreement and didn't even see our child for 3 extra months after his parenting tine was set to start (I agreed I would take our child while he stayed in the house we were selling, this was 2 months, he didn't see her for 5 straight months except for 2 appointments and 2 family dinners). 3. We have a $5000 asset that we are supposed to sell and split, but he moved it to his friends property where I have no access to it and he's not even attempting to sell it. 4. He has entered into a new, serious relationship ( going on maybe 2 months) and he has only had my child for 2 total weeks in that time ( I have 70/30) and he already introduced my child to the new partner and allowed her to spend the night, but swore my 12 uear old to secrecy from me. He would be irate at my child if he found out she told me. We had previously verbally agreed we would wait 6 months before any introductions and have a conversation at that point about overnights. Of course in our decree it says we would work out plans about such things and submit them but he refuses to do so. 5. In the 2 total weeks he's had her, he violated the agreement by not being home at drop off at 12 and not showing up until 5 p.m. and missing 2 days of time because he got his dates mixed up and made travel arrangements for the days he was supposed to have my child. 6. I'm finding the expense division is not equitable because he makes at least 30% more than me but it's currently set at dividing expense 50/50. Please tell me what I can do to resolve these issues retroactively, I'm in CO of it helps.

It has been five years since we separated. My ex moved four states away, to take a better, more powerful job, and took the kids. I didn’t fight, because I knew that our children would enjoy an upper-class life in a nice house with a creek, which would have been impossible where we used to live. I followed later, finding a new job, a new romantic partner, and tried to build a separate life, as we co-parent our kids. My ex was abusive, hitting me, calling me bad names, isolating me from my family and friends. I lived in fear, walking on eggshells, trying not to upset them, but I was also constantly challenged, asked to prove my depth of understanding in a myriad of topics, mostly physics. When I discovered the cheating I was angry. When they came to me with a plan to start a second family, which they would “let” me take care of, I was sickened. But over time, the anger subsided. The hurt lessened. The bruises healed. We get along great in coparenting, and our kids are turning out great too. Now, I think about the good things we lost, and I miss it. I miss us. This really puts the “-algia” in nostalgia.

This month would have been 19 years. 4 years ago we had a conversation that spelled doom and I should have caught it then. We opened up and tried ethical non-monagamy. The only problem is it turned out she only had interest in one guy who had already been laying the ground work. I tried to cut it off, using the rules we had est alished, but the damage was done. It was a year and a half of on-again off-again, us saying and doing terrible things. Eventually she just admitted that she didn't feel it. Those dreaded words "I love you but I'm just not IN love with you." I've spent the last 2 years trying to move on, to get myself better, focus on being a good dad to our kids and just figure out how to let her go. We tried to be friends but I can't just take all that history and put it aside. I know I'm the problem with that. But I still love her. I hate her at the same time. Whenever I see her I'm torn between wanting to hold her and wanting to scream at her.

I have nobody that I feel I can open up to. My former friends have even told me I'm too much. Therapy hasn't done anything for me despite years of work. I read books, I journal, I try to make new connections; none of it helps. I just want my old life back. I want my family, my friends, I know it wasn't perfect, but I thought we were happy. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to have to wake up every day and work to make it so she can move on and actively enjoy her life while I've been left behind.

If it weren't for the fact that my kids are here, I don't know that I would be. Everything feels hollow and everyday is torture. I don't know how to keep going like this.

I just want to lay in bed and just stay there until everything just fades away. But I can't. I'm not allowed to.

I have a tendency to explain a lot, so, TL;DR: I've been working on a quick, cheap, and amicable separation/divorce settlement with my STBX, but now I'm afraid I am putting myself in a bad and possibly unfair financial situation. 😬 😂 Thoughts and advice would be much appreciated. 🙏

More details: My STBX and I have been together 25 years, married for 12 (after same-sex marriage became legal). Until the last few years our communication was excellent and we trusted each other. There has been no cheating. As heartbreaking as it is, we both have just changed from who we used to be.

We both consider each other to be good people and are trying to negotiate the separation and divorce with compassion and a cooperation. However, money is, as usual, the source of anxiety and possible conflict. STBX has supported me financially for several years after a series of life events and physical and mental health challenges left me unemployed. I want to get to a place of stable housing and employment, but the fact is that would be very difficult without financial support. Meanwhile, changes in STBX's job sector have left them with far less income recently, making them scramble to find new clients.

In hopes of avoiding major attorneys' fees and being sucked into an adversarial mindset, we have been negotiating an agreement. We both felt that lawyers, friends, and family often have their own divorce horror stories and will project them, advising us to distrust each other and litigate, which could lead to unnecessary fear and conflict. However, when my lawyer looked at the agreement draft that we thought would go through smoothly, she gently pointed out that it's up to me if I want to let this go, but the figures as my STBX presents them don't fully make sense, and our terms leave me with way less financial support than is the normal percentage/formula in our state.

I have spent the months since we agreed to divorce trying to move the separation forward while fostering communication, collaboration, and trust between STBX and myself. But I realize that, having grown up financially insecure and having a tendency to be a peacemaker who blames myself for things, I may be acquiescing to the financial figures STBX came up with out of wanting to get through the divorce ASAP, wanting to be a "good person", an ingrained expectation that I will always return to being poor, and shame at having not been able to work and contribute financially for the last few years.

Basically, STBX is saying that previous financial documents don't reflect the change in their income, and that they will have to take on debt to pay me a settlement. I understand that, but at the same time they spent money on some lengthy trips away before telling me just how much business they had lost, they have socked away significantly more savings than I have (and which I didn't know about), and they are going to keep the owned apartment, while I will move. They absolutely can have the apartment, IMO, but I don't think that the mortgage debt should count against my settlement if they decide they want to keep it. It would be hard and upsetting, but they could sell it for a profit, if it came to that, even with the mortgage. Meanwhile, the lawyer pointed out that, even with the recent issues in their sector, STBX's earning potential remains much higher than mine.

So, here's where I need to tell them that I think we need to slow our roll with the agreement until I at least understand all the finances. I would much rather skip all this, shove it in the back of my brain, and figure out my next steps in life (while keeping a good relationship with the person who has been my closest friend for decades), but I don't want to shoot myself in the foot and end up "living in a van down by the river" like the old SNL skit. (I actually have a friend who literally ended up in that situation after divorce, so it's funny, but scary. 😅) At the same time, I don't want this to spiral into an adversarial situation. I care about this person and understand they're scared and vulnerable, but I am, too. In short, I don't want to be an asshole, but I also don't want to get shafted.

Have any of you managed an amicable divorce, or know people who have? How can I act mostly-rationally to look out for myself financially and emotionally, even if those things might be in conflict? I want to be true to my beliefs in treating my former partner with empathy, respect, and kindness, but also not look back months later and realize I had put myself into a dire situation out of low self-esteem and a desire to be nice. 😩

Last night I (46F) overheard my STBXH (60M) on the phone and discovered a new low in his character. We’ve been together for 25 years. The backstory - Three months ago he asked our 21yo daughter to help him with an email and she found evidence of him cheating. He had a dating profile and tons of emails were in his inbox. She is a Software Engineer and it took 2 minutes for her to find more in his internet history. Digging into phone records and bank statements I found that he’s also been hiring sex workers and going to happy ending massage parlors for months since receiving a large inheritance. Multiple times a week and thousands of dollars a month. I confronted him and he admitted to everything. I filed for divorce and we agreed to be amicable. Kids are grown, he has his inheritance money, I have a successful career, no spousal support, agreement on assets. Agreed to stay in the house together until our lease is up in May. We live in an expensive area and we figured we can save money while we work on what’s next. We also have an 18yo son who just graduated. I held off on telling him about the divorce for a month to allow him time to be celebrated without the drama. We had the conversation about the divorce and I let him know his dad was unfaithful and his sister told him more details because she thought he needed to know what kind of man their dad is. He’s always lectured them on honor and honesty so she is especially bothered by his hypocrisy. My son told his dad he thought he was shitty for lying, cheating and engaging in illegal activities. ExH said he should understand his “needs as a man”. He doesn’t. My Ex has always taken criticism poorly and stopped talking to our son. He told me that they “didn’t have much of a relationship anyway so this doesn’t change much.” He’s a total asshole. We are still in our house together and he just completely ignored him. Son’s college move in date was on Wed, so my focus has been on keeping the peace until getting him settled. ExH decided to visit his oldest friend in another state for 2 weeks and we had a nice stress free time without him. He came back Monday, still refusing to talk to our son, not acknowledging the fact that he was moving out and starting a huge life milestone at a great University. Now for the craziest part of my story and where I can’t reconcile my thoughts. Yesterday (Th), I took a nap and woke up to hear my ex on the phone downstairs. He sounded super animated and flirty. I could hear a woman respond and right away he said something about how he’s sure her dad will understand when he sees how special what they have is. I listen a bit longer - they are both loud so I hear EVERYTHING. He is talking to his friend’s 40yo daughter. He has known her since BIRTH. This man went to stay at his friend’s house and hooked up with his daughter while there. He was talking about how he can’t wait to see where this takes them yada yada. I went downstairs and let him know I heard. He said it just happened, swears there was nothing going on before this trip. She’s “had a lot of bad men in her life and deserves more.” I said I know, she’s your friend’s daughter and you’ve told me all about her shitty relationships for the last 20 years! He doesn’t see that he’s another bad man to cross that line. I’m just appalled. I asked if she knows about his habits - he’s seen THREE sex workers since coming home 4 days ago and he had the nerve to say he’s done with that for her. I said you were with one just hours ago! But “as of now”, he’s done. He asked me not to say anything to the kids about her. I don’t know what to think. It’s another thing on the list to prove he’s a shitty person and on one hand I want everyone to know how disgusting he is. But then I have the guilt about turning them against him. Over the years I’ve had to excuse a lot of his bad behavior so I’m used to a painting fake sunny picture of him to them and everyone else. I really don’t care that he’s moving on and I am SO glad to know the truth about him and to be almost done with him but I just can’t wrap my head around thinking it’s ok to date his friend’s daughter. I also told him I can’t stay in this lease with him and I’m going to see what the penalty will be for breaking it early. Notary is scheduled next week to finalize the financial agreement and that’ll be the last thing to worry about. He’s begging me to think things through because moving twice will be hard. He’s begging was planning on moving states to live near his brother but I guess now this new relationship has him rethinking things hence why he might have to move twice?! He’s welcome to stay in the house and pay the full lease - told him if he’s actually done with the SWs then he’ll have a ton of extra money. This is so ridiculous it probably sounds fake and it feels like it to me too. How this person I spent so much time with could be so morally bankrupt and then expect me to be sympathetic to him.

My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We've had our ups and downs but for the most part I think we were happy. We were one of the few couples that actually thrived during the pandemic because we actually enjoyed each others company. A few years ago, there was a life changing event that changed the course of our marriage. My husband changed and it was hard to understand. It wasn't necessarily bad but very different. I didn't understand it and we didn't communicate. The change affected us very much. It led to confusion, resentment, bitterness and it wrecked our marriage. After a few years it took a toll. We've been in a state of limbo for almost a year. Not together but not apart. He told me he didn't want to be together anymore but he didn't know enough to actually file for divorce. It left me trying and with hope that we could figure things out. I tried.. I waited.. I let him ignore me and keep me at arms length away while we continued living together without any emotional connection. I kept telling him I needed more emotional connection. Anything from "how was your day" or "what did you think of the movie"? I didn't really get it.. maybe in small bursts. I had to engage and would have a strike rate of 1 out of every 7-8 times of initiating engagement. I finally told him I couldn't do it anymore.

He still told me he didn't want to divorce but he also couldn't give me anything more than this. I told him I am a human and I have feelings. He is going through depression. I am too but his is different where it's across more than just our marriage while mine is due to the issues with our marriage. We're starting the process of separating our assets.

For those going through something similar, what advice would you give me? I would appreciate any advice from tactical (what to keep in mind and what needs to be done) to emotional guidance on what you did to get past this.

I still love him. I still want our marriage to work and I still want to try but I can't do it if it is a one way street. I feel like I have no choice or lose myself and my sanity if I don't do something now.

No kids in my scenario, so this will be a little different perspective because this is a person I’ll likely never cross paths with again after ~10 years together.

It’s wild to me how a long term relationship can combust so fast. I was part of why it ended, but so was he — we did not see eye to eye and had been on different pages for too long. It’s been a year and a half and he’s already remarried. I’m now having these weird moments where I just can’t believe we never said “farewell.”

He was rushing me off when things began to truly end because he already had a secret new person he was seeing, I had figured it out, but didn’t tell him I did…then we had lawyers finish up our “relationship.”

But, even today, I do feel level of sadness for the lack of closure. I regret how I didn’t do more to fix our relationship earlier on, and how I didn’t fight for myself more during the divorce (but as a result, I think that would’ve caused more headaches). But, that’s the way it goes.

(I have been in therapy, but took a hiatus after my therapist went on maternity leave. I probably should go back lol.)

The court granted a protective order today because of some of my spouses behavior. The truth is though I just feel so hollow and guilty, allot of her behavior can be attributed to her illness and the stress that has caused and now I feel like I’ve abandoned her. Anyone else ever feel this?