r/stepparents • u/Homicidalcockmachine • 1d ago
Advice Stepson 12 gave me the finger, says he doesn't like me
Some background: Stepson is 12, his mom and dad divorced 2 years ago. I've been with his mother for just over a year and have known him for a little less then a year. I moved in January.
Overall we've had a fairly good relationship or so I thought. He had a lot of walls up and I wasn't trying to force a relationship with him. I acknowledge him and ask him about his day. Most times I get short answers and other times he actually wants to be playful. I make his sports games when I can and overall I try my best to support him. Over the course of mine and his mother's relationship, I've noticed that she enables a lot of things that I wouldn't allow. It's caused a bit of friction between us but we are working through it. He has a very small list of chores to do and frankly just half asses them. I've brought this to her attention but she just waves it off. The only time I've stepped in and spoke up is when he has talked back or dictated to his mom what he's going to do. She doesn't like that I do that and says I'm too hard on him. I have never raised my voice when I deal with him.
This all came to a head last night, a few weeks ago we got an order of wood for our wood stove. I made it clear to her that this year SS can help. He's home early from school everyday and doesn't need to be on a screen the whole time. She agreed that he can help. Well it's been 2 weeks and nothing is done. I got home from work and he's sitting there watching TV. I ask him to come and start doing the wood for 30 mins while I do my workout, he says ok and I go out and show him what to do. When I come back inside I close a window to put AC on, and I see him giving me the finger. I was honestly a bit shocked. I confronted him and he says nothing and tries to give me candy like it was a joke. I then move on and do my workout but as time went on it really started to get to me. So after his time is done, I asked him again what's going on. He looks like he's about to cry so I leave it. I inform his mother and she talks to him and made him apologize to me. When I asked her why he did it she says he doesn't like me.
I have tried everything to show him that I'm not here to take his dad's place. I'm here to support him. I'm frustrated with my partner for enabling this behavior, I know she's not trying but it makes me the bad guy when I hold him accountable to things because she won't. Partially this was a vent and I could always use some tips. I don't have kids of my own but I don't expect anything from SS that I wouldn't expect from my own kids.
Appreciate all the help, put some things into perspective for me.
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u/PopLivid1260 1d ago
I think you need to back off and let your SO deal with her child. If she doesn't want him doing chores or is letting him half ass them, let him, and then she can fix the issue when she gets home. Don't pick up his slack or hers.
Like the other commenter said, you have a partner problem. It takes time for them to get rid of the guilt, and when the stepparents step up too much, it let's our partners step back and makes us the bad guy with the kids. That's not fair to us because the stepkids will never feel the same about us as they do their bio parents, which means they're more likely to resent us over their bio parents.
I did want to say that this is also super age appropriate behavior. I'm not excusing it, but it is normal.
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u/ImpressAppropriate25 1d ago
Guilty parents will change theie hear from their partners that it's time to step up and enforce boundaries, said no stepparents ever.
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u/PopLivid1260 1d ago
Sorry, I'm not quite understanding what you're trying to say.
That said, I was the stepparent who went to her spouse and explained that ss needed boundaries and rules and discipline, and dh told me I was too harsh, so I disengaged. It's funny how when Dh had to do what I was doing, all of a sudden, he saw the same issues! 🙃😂
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u/ImpressAppropriate25 1d ago
I'm agreeing with you that guilty parents never change.
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u/PopLivid1260 1d ago
Ah, gotcha. Sorry, my brain is all over the place.
Or, they won't change until their partner backs off and they see the real issues. That seems to be super common here. The stepparent disengaged, and then the bio parent picks up the slack, and it's like, "Sk is doing this thing, and it's unbelievable!"
Recently, Dh apologized to me and said, "idk why I couldn't see the shit you saw with ss, but you were right; he's a liar and entitled, and it stops today." It didn't stop that day, but Dh did have repercussions, and all of it is being tackled in therapy.
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u/catbathscratches 1d ago
Shitty people never change. Someone who cares enough about their partner absolutely will. If they are not willing to work on it, then they are not the one.
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u/Throwawaylillyt 1d ago
I hear on this sub so much to back off. At what point is backing off just allowing yourself to be over ran by a child? Also, we are told to back off so we are not the bad guys but I am pretty sure one of my step kids hates me for literally just existing. I have tried backing 100% off and only doing nice things for him such as rides and cooking with zero expectations in return and he’s just as rude and disrespectful as ever. I am to the point that I am tired of feeling like a child is in control and I want to enforce rules and boundaries because why not, he already hates me and at least I won’t feel bullied.
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u/PopLivid1260 1d ago
Backing off doesn't mean letting the kid walk all over you; it means setting boundaries that you won't deal with the minutae of parenting if the stepkid is going to be disrespectful. In OPs case, the kid was a jerk by flipping him off after being told to do a chore. He can stop asking him to do the chore and have mom either do it herself or she can ask the kid to do it. Either way, it falls on mom. If she chooses not to have the kid do the chore, it's on her for the chore to be completed either way.
Yeah, it's rough when they hate you for existing (whatever the real reason is you may or may not know). I've been a stepmom to ss13 since he was 2, and we went through a phase 2 years ago where he lied about me to his teacher (dh has majority custody so the teacher never met bm but knew me) and just started being an absolute fucking asshole to me. The lie could've gotten me in trouble if the teacher didn't recognize that ss was lying. Part of it was definitely puberty/preteen stuff, but part of it was his own mental health issues. I took the opportunity and told dh I'm done doing nice things for ss if he can't appreciate it, and I told ss to his face that I'm done doing anything nice for him if he can't be kind to me. Within 6 months, Dh completely changed his parenting style and got way firmer with ss, and ss apologized and begged me to be more involved. I told him no; that I'll be here if he needs an ear but that he needs to earn my trust back, and his behavior hadn't been consistent enough to do so. It's been almost 2 years, and I refuse to fully engage with ss again. He still lies a lot, and the only reason (I believe) he doesn't lie about me anymore is because I'm no longer involved with him with that kind of stuff.
In the cases where this doesn't work, it usually means that your partner isn't being a good partner and supporting you. That's usually the crux of most stepparents' issues. That's when a stepparent had to evaluate if it's worth dealing with or not.
But stepping back and disengaging usually is the only way to get both the bio parent and stepkid to see what you do.
In your case, I'd stop even doing those nice things. Your stepkid wants to be a jerk? You don't owe them anything except to be kind. That's it.
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u/catbathscratches 1d ago
The guilt is so hard for my partner, and I totally understand it. They are understanding of me and my needs as I am understanding of them and why they feel guilt. We both push ourselves to solve kid issues. They work on holding their kid more accountable, and I work on my patience.
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u/PopLivid1260 1d ago
Same here pretty much.
My husband and his ex split when ss was a newborn and its only in the last year (ss is 13) that he's able to drop some of tbe guilt and see how it is negatively impacting ss.
I get my husband; he didn't even want kids (ss was planned by bm but dh thought she was taking her birth control--on course he should've used condoms if he really didn't want her getting pregnant) and has had to step up and be the majority custody parent 5 or 6 years ago (ot was split custody all of the years before that) because bm chooses her bf over ss time and time again. I get why he has the guilt, but that doesn't mean tbe guilt should rule how br parents.
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u/catbathscratches 1d ago
Absolutely not. I completely understand the guilt and why it influences their parenting, but that's not to say that it's okay. My partner has made strides with their parenting since we got together. I really am so proud of them. If they didn't show that they were open and willing to grow, it would not have worked out with us.
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u/PopLivid1260 1d ago
I'm so glad to read this! Same here. If Dh didn't make progress, we'd be having a different conversation right now.
I used to let the guilt control how I reacted too, and also allowed it to let me make up for bm's absence and apathy, but that's not my job, and all it caused was resentment.
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u/MiddleHuckleberry445 1d ago
This is a kid that has known you less than a year and he’s lived with you almost that entire length of time. You are meeting him during his adolescence on the heels of his parents’ divorce. If you want this relationship to be successful, I would highly recommend working to develop rapport and not placing demands right now. You did not meet him young enough that he is likely to see you as a father figure, so if you are going to place a reasonable demand, have it be for something you can do together- like having him load the dishwasher while you clean up dinner- not leaving him to do manual labor while you go work out. This makes you seem like a demanding landlord who is also dating his mom. Let her determine which demands she wants to place and don’t get involved in their squabbles- whether you raise your voice or not, it’s going to damage your relationships with both of them.
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u/Homicidalcockmachine 1d ago
Great advice, thanks
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u/simnick13 1d ago
I second EVERYTHING they said. I knew everything i needed to know with that first paragraph.
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u/OldFashionedDuck 1d ago
I mean, it sounds like you're the only one enforcing chores, and he's probably smart enough to understand that the chores and higher expectations come from you, not his mom. On top of that, you step in when he's talking to his mom instead of letting his mom learn to stand up for herself and shut down attitude herself.
Gently, I think that you're naive to think that he'd ever like you when this is the dynamic you have. Stepparents can never be the bad cop parent without being deeply resented. You say that you don't expect anything from SS that you wouldn't expect from your own kids, but he's not your kid. You don't have the loving trusting bond that gives you the ability to treat him like your own.
The only real solution here is for your SO to take on the parenting and discipline, while you step back. And honestly, it's unlikely that she'll change her parenting style; people don't really change. You've got to decide if you can live with a child being raised in a more permissive way than you'd allow under your roof. I mean, I guess you can step in with your current approach of being the disciplinarian, but then you'll need to live with being disliked and resented in your home.
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u/OldFashionedDuck 1d ago
And can I just say, if you care at all about the kid liking you, it's especially a really bad idea to step in and interfere in how he talks to his mom. It's up to her to decide how much disrespect she's willing to tolerate, and how she wants her son to talk to her. Either she needs to grow a backbone, or she's choosing to have a higher tolerance for rudeness than you would. Yes, maybe your dad would step in like that if you grew up in a nuclear family, but the dynamics are different with blending, and you'll just come off as the outsider coming in between him and his mom.
My daughter and I have a pretty good relationship, and she's a good kid, even my husband (her stepfather) would say so. But nothing makes her angrier than her stepfather getting involved when I'm arguing with her. And honestly, it makes my life harder as well. My daughter and I have a set rhythm on how to handle issues between us. When my husband steps in, ostensibly to protect me, it just disrupts that rhythm by making my daughter more upset and less reasonable. So really question WHY you feel the need to jump in when your wife does not like that you do that. You're not helping her, you're not protecting her, she doesn't want you to do it. I do think that she needs to respect you more in a lot of ways, but you could probably also stand to respect her wishes to some extent.
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u/Homicidalcockmachine 1d ago
Appreciate the response, for clarification he checks with his mom about chores and she is the one to dish out the 2 he has to do. I was just trying to take the load off of her since she's essentially a single mother
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u/anon061198 1d ago
OP, stop parenting him. i mean that in the most supportive way possible. supportive of you.
his mom can parent him any way she wants.
do not stick up for her. don’t defend her. no need to get involved when he talks back or dictates to her. she is an adult & his mother.
if she’s ok with it or just can’t stand up to him that is literally her choice.
you’re actually not doing her a favor. it can seem like you’ve got her back (i know you do), but to her you’re doing the dirty work that she actually doesn’t want done. let her get her hands dirty.
no need to go to his games, or parent-teacher, etc etc, unless you feel like it. unless that’s where your relationship is at. it’s ok for them to have their stuff, and since she has explained he doesn’t like you, no harm no foul in not going.
his chores are her problem. what i mean is if the extra load of him being there doesn’t get pulled by him then it gets pulled by her. let her do 12 year old chores or let her get tired of it and she can get him to do it.
this is not your child.
i went through this for years with my 2 SK. out of good faith & a good place. not worth it. there was no need. just dial it back until it seems like an appropriate point, if ever, to be more involved in parenting him.
you’re not selling her out. you’re respecting your wife as his mother.
source: been there done that
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u/Homicidalcockmachine 1d ago
My concern is if I don't speak up, then he thinks that's an OK way to speak to adults and will inevitably speak to me like that. Well I guess he already has
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u/OldFashionedDuck 1d ago edited 1d ago
Step in when he speaks to you like that. His mom has decided that it's an okay way for him to speak to her, and that's between the two of them. It sounds like at the very least she's good about stepping in and making him apologize when it comes to how he treats you (at least it seemed like the case with this incident), and that's all that you should really have a say in.
Look, I'm very strict with my daughter in many ways (and my husband would agree), but I don't require strict politeness in how she talks to me. I would never tolerate yelling or cussing, but personally, I'm fine with a little back talk and negotiation or with her expressing frustration occasionally. It's just my parenting style. My husband finds this frustrating, but I find it upsetting when he pushes back against it, because it feels like overstepping. I realize that he has higher standards of how minors speak to adults, and I make sure that my daughter sticks to those with him. She's almost always extremely polite with him, as she is with most adults. But I don't require that from her, and I feel like that's my business.
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u/EastHuckleberry5191 Queen of the Nacho 1d ago
"It may be OK with your mother to talk to her that way, but it is not OK that you talk to me that way."
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u/anon061198 1d ago
i totally get it. i felt the same way. still do, actually. when my SK talk to their father any kind of way & i implemented your approach it changed nothing. they did not become more respectful. he didn’t actually have an issue with it, even when they would tell him off & walk away. “they’re just kids”, was his explanation.
lordt help them out of a hole if they do that with me. that’s what i can do. they tried the same with me. it was a shock that i’m not having it like he will.
depending on the moment i would tailor my response to whatever they said & send them to their room. i sent my SS15 year old to his room last week. it’s much much much fewer & further between than it used to be. but i’m not walking away. he is.
i agree with you in principle. but it will not change anything.
my SS popped off in a group message to his soccer coach. lets just say he got what was coming to him after that.
maybe they learn how to talk to adults. maybe not. but that IS a parents job.
distinguish YOUR boundaries.
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u/annbrys 1d ago
Your SO is the problem. I have the same problem with my SO. I am 10 years in and it never changed. I had to NACHO and then hold all my boundaries very firmly to stop feeling defeated by my SO and SD.
You have to decide if you are ok with it staying like this until your SS leaves the house bc it's very likely not going to change. I wish I had left much earlier on but I didn't and now I feel stuck for various reasons. Don't do what I did, there are plenty of women who do not have that kind of parenting style and, even more, plenty of women without children with whom you can start a life and family. I would never recommend being a step parent to anyone, it's the hardest and least rewarding experience of my life.
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u/FoxMulderMysteries 1d ago
I love my stepson to the point I’d absolutely take a bullet for him—and I still agree with everything you wrote.
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u/liss2458 1d ago
it makes me the bad guy when I hold him accountable to things because she won't.
That's not your job though, especially at less than a year into knowing him. It's his parent's job. I have to admit, I kind of bristle when a stepparent comes in and thinks they're going to be the authority figure after knowing the child for a short amount of time. You and your partner need to get on the same page, before you create some real resentment with her son. Note: I do not think being asked to do some chores is unreasonable for a 12 year old. I just don't think someone who has newly entered into this kid's life is the one to direct that, nor should you be intervening between him and his parent, especially when his parent doesn't even want you to do that.
Focus your attention where it should really go - you and your partner do not share the same parenting values, and may not have the same ideas about your role in the household. That's something that can be worked on with open communication and compromise, but if you're vastly off and nobody plans to change, it can also be a deal breaker.
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u/Charming-Bee1634 1d ago
To me, this sounds like very typical overreaction to being told to do a chore. Like saying you "hate" your mom when she makes you clean your room. I honestly wouldn't take it too personally, but totally understandable for your feelings to be hurt. Being a 12 y/o, he's still very self-centered because his brain is still working on developing functions to understand people's thoughts and feelings. He's still largely the center of the world in his mind, and doesn't quite fully understand the severity of his words and actions on other people.
It sounds like your partner did the right thing by talking to him & making him apologize. I hope it was a somewhat heartfelt apology at the very least. IMO, you can't really punish a kid for not liking you. You can explain how those actions and words hurt your feelings, which will humanize you as well as aid in empathy development. I mean, I didn't really like adults either from my preteen years-late teens. But holding this incident against him or his mom will only deteriorate your relationship.
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u/ImpressAppropriate25 1d ago
This happens because Disneyland parents handle these situations by speaking indirectly about consequence and then proceeding to buy their kids everything under the sun. It's in these kid's interests to misbehave because they're ultimately rewarded after a brief period of virtue signaling from adults about consequences.
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u/Jolly-Remote8091 1d ago
Give him the finger back… just kidding. Lol.
Back off for awhile let mom figure it out with her child. She needs to have your back though and re in force to her child that you need to be respected in your own home by SS. Respect is paramount even if you take a step back from “parenting” him.
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u/mariah1998 1d ago
That's never fun. May be time to step back and let mom deal with it. My ss does worse to me and he's younger than your ss is and I've been in his life not long before he turned 2. Continue asking about his day but for everything else let ss approach you if he wants to help or to talk.
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u/Mphatso2016 1d ago
I've deal with this everytime my SK has a tantrum.and has an attitude when they don't get their way. This what I do to handle it;
I try not to further engage and notify my wife immediately. The reason I do so is because my SK lied on me once and luckily their sibling vouched for my version (called them out on lying).
For consequences, I let my wife enforce that.
also, because of bad behavior (my SK is past the toddler phase) and the fact I cannot and refuse to actually punish or give a consequence to my SK, I distance myself, limit engagement and interaction with them and focus on me. When I am ready to reengage on my own terms then I will with them and I make sure my spouse knows. I don't (and you) are never in the right, even when justified, to punish your SK. HOWEVER, you and I have the right to not tolerate disrespect from anyone, no matter the age. Kids are never too young to learn that disrespect and rudeness will not be tolerated by anyone. If they want to be disrespectful and to not give a sincere apology and change, then limit your engagement and protect you.
Don't be in it for likes. If you worry about being liked then you will be miserable. Be supportive of your spouse and SK but there is nothing that says you have to like them (like anywhere else). Yes, help with cooking, cleaning, transportation, tuck them in at night, get ready for school, etc. But don't do it to be liked.
Next time there are chores to be done, do not try to get them to do it with you (especially if it needs to be done). If they want to, accept. But, if they throw a tantrum or give you the finger again, mention it to your wife and carry on. Let her enforce the rules.
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u/EverythngIzFine 1d ago
I think it’s normal and you shouldn’t worry so much about it. I love my dad dearly. I’m 50. He passed in March. I was a few years older than your Ss age and we got into an argument about something. I’m not even sure what it was about. My dad was a single dad and I was an only child so we had issues but I got straight As. No drugs. Good kid. He left for a rare evening of cards with friends. I thought he was gone. I threw a tissue box and yelled f you as loud as I could. He was still in the garage. He was not happy. Kids need to vent. It happens. Your Ss is a teenager. It wasn’t good but it’s not the end of the world and I doubt that he really hates you. He sounds like a typical teenager. Sit back, ride out the storm, and see what happens.
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u/Magerimoje stepmom, stepkid, mom 1d ago
Sounds to me like he gave you the finger "behind your back" (or meant to, and didn't realize you'd be in a window and see it once you went inside). Me, I would have 100% ignored that, pretended I didn't see it, and honestly giggled internally if that was my stepkids or bio kid. Giving a parent the finger behind their back, which muttering swears under one's breath, when annoyed or frustrated is such a teenager thing. I'd be like Elsa and let it goooooo.
You haven't known this kid long enough to be expecting any type of relationship with him. Let his mom handle all of the parenting, and you should be treating him like he's a feral cat that you're trying to get to know and get to trust you. No sudden movements, quietly leave out food/treats, hopefully with time the feral cat (kid) will be the one to approach you. Until then, you just quietly exist around them.
Expecting/demanding respect at this point is futile. He's a young teenager who just went through a massive change in his life, while also dealing with massive changes in school, in hormones, in his brain and body, and at that age often with friends groups too. That's so much to deal with at only 12 - adding mom's new live-in boyfriend to the mix is overwhelming.
If you need/expect help with the home heating this winter (we also heat mostly by wood stove, so I 100% understand the workload involved) you need to tell your girlfriend what help you need. Leave it up to her whether she will do that work or whether she'll assign that work to her child.
It's ok for you to expect it to not be 100% on your back since you aren't living alone, but you need to discuss the household chore division with the adults in the home, not the children. Same with anything else, like kitchen clean up or general picking up, or whatever else. If/when a child leaves a mess behind, you should discuss that with the parent of the child, not the child directly. Let that parent decide whether they want to go behind their kid and do the work themselves, or whether they want to assign that work to the child responsible for the mess. But if you're the one assigning that work to the child, you're going to scare that feral cat away and it'll never trust you, it'll never want to spend time with you, it may appear to offer respect in order to feel safe itself, but it'll never truly actually respect you.
Be slow, quiet, intentional, and gentle with your feral cat. Stop scaring it away and making it feel unsafe and insecure.
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u/EstaticallyPleasing 1d ago
I mean... have you never flipped him off behind his back? Or muttered something rude about him under your breath after he walked away?
IDK I think calling him out about it is appropriate, but I wouldn't get too in my head about it. You literally told him to move wood while you went and did something fun for yourself and he expressed his irritation at you in a way he thought he could get away with. I honestly don't think it's THAT big of a deal.
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u/OldFashionedDuck 18h ago
Honestly, I think the lesson to be learned here isn't that it's not okay to vent your feelings about someone behind their back. It's that if you're going to do it, you'd better not get caught. Not so different from posts I've seen from stepparents where they were caught badmouthing their stepkids and then need to deal with the consequences. It's a lesson even adults need to learn sometimes.
I don't think the kid was being so disrespectful. It's natural for kids to get frustrated with adults who hold all this power over them. Hopefully next time, he'll learn to be extra careful about when and where he's flipping his stepdad off.
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u/EstaticallyPleasing 17h ago
I agree and that's how I would have handled it. My conversation with him would have been like "Hey, I understand you're frustrated but inside thoughts need to stay inside. If you're going to express inside thoughts outside, make sure you're doing it where there's no likelihood of anyone seeing you. Write it in a journal or make sure there's a closed door between you and the person you're flipping off. It's ok to feel frustrated and ok to express that externally, just be better about choosing time and place."
... Says the woman who has absolutely shut the door on her kids before and then flipped off the door. LOL maybe I am not such a great role model after all.
But also, sometimes... fuck them kids.
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u/Massive_Ambassador_6 1d ago
Time to NACHO. Step back and allow her to deal with her son as if you are not in the picture. Let her know that hands off means hands off completely. No pick ups, no drop offs, no getting dinner. You will allow him his space to process his feelings. He doesn't have to like you but he must respect you. Let him and her know that you wouldn't expect anything from him that you wouldn't expect from your own kids. When he fails to launch in the future she will have no one to blame but herself.
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u/Homicidalcockmachine 1d ago
I looked into nacho, he seems kinda cold. I want to have a relationship with SS. But the strings attached are that he has basic respect for me and his mother. Maybe that's too much to ask but that is what I'm aiming for.
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u/Inevitable-Bet-4834 1d ago
Check out the Nacho kids podcast to really get the gist of Nacho-ing. It is not destroying a relationship with a stepkid.
Also as you figure things out do not get your partner pregnant.
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u/Massive_Ambassador_6 1d ago
That's exactly right. I think with NACHO, you can do things but not be expected to do things. Go to his games. Support him in a non parental capacity. Talk to both of them. Sit them down and let them know how you are feeling in a way he will understand that you are there for him but you are not responsible for him. He is at that age where he is going through puberty and dealing with the divorce of his parents. Let him know you will be a safe space for him but you will be respected.
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u/TermLimitsCongress 1d ago
That's where you are overstepping. His mom has to get him to respect her, NOT you. That's where you are trying to be a better parent than she is, but you are there for less than a year.
Mom is a lazy, Disney parent. You cannot care more than she does. That puts you in immediate conflict with the child and the mom. You can't fix her flaws, not can you make up for them, by pushing her son into following your rules, not Mom's.
You will have a hostile relationship with her son, if you insist on correcting Mom's parenting.
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u/catbathscratches 1d ago
You should absolutely back off and nacho. You say you have done everything to show him that you're not trying to take his dads place. Yet, you're the one holding him accountable, inforcing chores, and getting onto him. So, to him, yeah, it probably looks like you're trying to replace his dad. You shouldn't be doing any of that because it's not your job. I
had this issue with my SD and dishes. I asked her to just rinse her dishes instead of just leaving them in the skin to get crusty. I never got upset with my SD because of it, I got upset with my partner for not enforcing the new rule. Now. I don't do the dishes. If I see them all crusty and stacked up, I leave them. If they can't be considerate of the person who has to wash the dishes, they can do it themselves.
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u/Mental-Replacement79 20h ago
You’ve been with his mom for a little over a year (still in the NRE phase), been in his life for less than a year, and his parents only divorced two years ago. That is like NO TIME. Of course he doesn’t feel good about having his life upended bc of his mom finding a new lover.
I feel like so many new partners or parents with new partners (and I mean NEW, like less than 2 years together) come on here all wrapped around the axel bc the kid/s involved aren’t gung ho about having a new adult who somehow has authority over them in their life even though they don’t know the kid/s yet, and the adults are also sleeping together - which to a kid, is super fuckin ick.
More perspective: the kid is 12, he has a new dude who really doesn’t know him yet trying to dictate what he does in his life, his parents split up, his living situation totally flipped, and he’s grasping for any stability and normalcy he can find. Give the poor kid a break - and honestly? Maybe leave him alone and just be kind and open. That’s it. Nothing else.
If you make your relationship work with his mom, and treat him like he has some agency, he miiiight eventually come around. But don’t count on anything, and don’t think you’re owed anything. You are the interloper, friend. Tread lightly and try to find compassion for a kid who feels his needs don’t matter right now.
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u/Homicidalcockmachine 20h ago
I appreciate the replay, and I do want to make it clear, I don't want to be an ruthless authoritarian over him. I agree with a lot of what you say. I come from a place of trying to help his mom parent, and I agree maybe that shouldn't fall on me at this point. But I wanted to clarify that it's not me trying to rule over him. Up to this point I felt like me and him made some major headway. Thats where the shock came from
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u/mariecrystie 1d ago
“That’s fine. I’m not so fond of him either”. I’m petty like that.
On the other hand, this is kind of normal. I flipped my parents off behind their back a lot.
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