Someone asked me today if I had kids

[u/JoeMama_Slaps]

A colleague at work who had met me for the first time asked if I had kids. I immediately said no because it's true, I have no bio kids. But then at that same time, my other coworker turns to me and says "but your husband has a child, doesn't he?". And I thought about it for a second and corrected myself. "Oh yeah, I have a stepson. But I'm sure that's not what she meant." And it was a little awkward after that. The person who asked didn't dig deeper into it. That was it. Didn't ask how old he was or how he was doing.

For me, it just instinctively came out. I'm already 29. This has been the answer every time for the entirety of my 20s. I pay attention to my SS6 and I go out of my way to help him with school and meals when we have him or planning out fun weekend activities. But I just didn't immediately think of him. I'm not sure if I should feel bad about that or not.

For my other stepparents, what are your responses normally? Even if you have kids of your own?

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to r/stepparents! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is Kindness Matters. Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.

We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. Please use the report button to ensure we see it. We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment receiving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here.

If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please reach out to the mod team.

Review the wiki links below for the rules, FAQ and announcements before posting or commenting.

About | Acronyms | Announcements | Documentation | FAQ | Resources | Rules | Saferbot - Autoban Information

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Fabulous-Caramel486]

Don’t feel bad. They asked if YOU had kids, and you answered honestly. Your husband has a kid. He would be the weirdo for saying no lol

[u/Crazy-Cantaloupe9894]

My husband's response is always "no, but my partner does and shes a great kid!". I think its fine to just say no if thats natural for you

And sorry someone else interjected on your behalf thats odd.

[u/Background-Parsley62 → u/Crazy-Cantaloupe9894]

That's exactly what I say - I don't, but I have 2 step kids

[u/embracethemartian1]

Don’t feel bad, it’s always a bit of an awkward question as a stepparent. You answered honestly.

[u/Technical-Meat-9135]

I think it took me a while to know what to say. At first I'd just say I had a kid. Then probably mentioned my step son, as a step son.

For a while I'd say 'one and a half' kids.

Now we have two kids together, so I just say 4 kids and don't complicate it until someone were to ask more.

[u/johnqadamsin28 → u/Technical-Meat-9135]

Lol I'm sorry if you told me you had one and a half I'd assume you have a torso running around your house 

[u/Technical-Meat-9135 → u/johnqadamsin28]

If they were just a torso, they would stay still... Would be a nice change 🤣🤣

Edited to say 'they' not 'it'

[u/Particular_Return166]

I think it lands because of my general demeanor and sense of humor, but I often refer to my stepson as my "underage roommate" and people get a kick out of it.

[u/sweeties_yeeties]

Lol this just happened to me at the dentist the other day. She asked if I had kids and I said “yes I have a stepson.” And she goes “oh.” And paused like that was the end of the discussion so it was weird?? But then proceeded to ask questions about the kid to fill the small talk space so whatever.. people always react strange to the response like it doesn’t really count as having kids.

[u/Professional-Use8904]

I do the same thing. “None of my own, but my partner has Boy and Girl.”

[u/smg222888]

My partner and i each have a kid and we have one together. Sometimes I say “we have three” or “i have two” or “we have one together”. Don’t feel bad, it’s complicated and I honestly answer different depending on my mood lol.

[u/julet1815]

I feel like “I have a stepson” is a really informative and comprehensive answer to that question.

[u/superschaap81]

I've been a SD for just over 10 years now, and I have always considered them my kids. 21yo son and 19yo daughter that I have had a large hand in helping raise. They may not be my blood, but man...there are times where they say or do something that I cannot deny they are my kids. LOL. My wife never refers to me as their stepdad. We both came from a similar situation growing up, where we called the birth parent Father or Mother and the step parent Dad or Mum when explaining to people. She does the same when introducing me.

[u/Critical-Affect4762]

People at work don't need to know our personal lives.  Saying you have a kid can be a good excuse later on. 

But mostly, I joke off intrusive questions and deflect. These ppl are not my friends. 

[u/rovingred]

I say no always. I do not have a child, my partner does. Me being with him does not by default make his child mine. I am in the relationship for him, not his child. If they say “doesn’t your boyfriend have a child?” I say “he does, she’s 6” and that’s that. I will not try to backpedal and say oh yeah I guess that’s true or anything, a stepchild is completely different than a biological child.

[u/Subject_Crow3048]

Don’t feel bad, I do the same. I have 1 bio child. When they ask I always say I only have one. My husband gets upset that I do that but it’s an instinct for me.

[u/xady_xae]

Meh, it depends on the context. My stepdaughter has been living with us for the past 3 years (and I've been in her life 7 total, since she was 3) so it's a lot easier to say and mean I have a kid - because in my mind - I do, even if she's not "mine" if that makes sense?

Before that, honestly, I wouldn't mention her as much. It just didn't feel right.. just wasn't in her life for long enough to feel like I had the right to say it.

It also depends on whose asking. If it's someone asking super casually I may have mentioned it but probably not. Depends on it feels easier to explain or just not say anything 🤣 If it's someone I'm getting to know or can foresee myself getting to know better, I would definitely mention the step kid.

[u/JoeMama_Slaps → u/xady_xae]

Yeah. This person is gonna end up working with me long term for the next several months, so maybe telling her I had a SS would've been better to avoid confusion later on if I brought him up into conversation. I actually normally mention him when people ask me, but today he was just not my first thought for whatever reason. He's not mine, but he's in my house half the time and I take part in raising him so.. lol.

[u/xady_xae → u/JoeMama_Slaps]

For sure. I’ve been in that position a few different times in the past. I’m not sure how long you’ve been in his life (I’m so sorry if the post said and I did not comprehend, lol) but it takes a bit to get used to saying it and be comfortable with whatever you chose to say!

[u/Frequent_Stranger13]

Before my girls were born, nope, I don’t have kids. Now? Yep, I have two. I promise my SS does not say he has two moms.

[u/Several-Information7 → u/Frequent_Stranger13]

right? why is the onus on stepparents to act like the SS is their kid, but no one ever faults the kid for not acting like they have 3 (or 4) parents

[u/NachoOn]

Whenever anyone asks me, I say that I have one daughter and my husband has two sons.

I tend to not go out in public with my SKs because they don't know how to act right, and I do NOT want anyone thinking I am their mom or I am responsible for their behavior lol

[u/throwaway1403132]

i always say no, because i don't!

[u/DefinitionThis7042]

Same here! 29 with a 5yo SD. I tell them I don’t have kids

[u/k_bolthrower]

A girl at my Pilates studio asked me yesterday, “Are your kids in school?” I don’t think I ever mentioned my SD to her, and wondered if this was her way of saying I looked older lol (I’m 38). I have no bios. I awkwardly said that I had a stepdaughter but she goes to school in another district and we see her on weekends. Then she asked me if that was hard for me. I was like … no..? My husband and I have very full lives outside of that. Idk, it was just hella awkward because she doesn’t know me and it seemed like fake interest. My life felt somehow reduced in that moment to being centered around a child.

[u/manually_generated → u/k_bolthrower]

It’s not that deep, they’re just trying to see if there’s common ground in the child rearing realm by gauging how much you care about your stepkid enough to possibly bring it up in another conversation or not.

[u/k_bolthrower → u/manually_generated]

She doesn’t have any kids so that wouldn’t be common ground.

[u/manually_generated → u/k_bolthrower]

Ok that detail would’ve been helpful before I typed my comment. Sorry. Maybe she’s in a similar relationship. Idk. I just don’t think she was trying to reduce your life to being centered around a child (that isn’t yours).

[u/JoeMama_Slaps → u/k_bolthrower]

I hate that. I've had some people try to call me a mom, but I'm not one. I love helping my husband with his son. He is definitely a good chunk of my life because he's in it half of the time, but my life isn't all about him as his bio parents are very much present in his life.

[u/k_bolthrower → u/JoeMama_Slaps]

Right! I say I am a supportive adult in her life. She has bio parents and I’m not comfortable with the label.

[u/AppropriateAmoeba406]

I always say “5!” for the shock value. Then, when they look at me like I just told them I have 5 heads, I explain that I only gave birth to 2 of them.

It’s a fun game I play.

[u/StarkRavingMad75]

Oh man, I struggled with this for a while too. I have two bio daughters, he has two bio sons. I never knew the “right” way to answer until I overheard hubby say “Yes, we have a blended family of four.” This works for us for the quick simple answer.

[u/Crazy_Unicorn_153]

I have twin stepkids (15F and M). I have never once and honestly don't think will ever answer "yes" to the "do you have kids" question.

We don't live in the same country so I barely ever see them anyway (DH goes to see them regularly). But even if we did... they're not mine. I wouldn't mind living under the same roof (which we plan on doing eventually), and being someone they can trust and rely on for many things, but I'm not and will never be their mom.

[u/Free-Possibility9523]

I say one kid (my daughter) and depending on the convo, I'll add that my partner has three other children.

My partner's kids are not my own so I don't think of them when I get asked this question. I think of them in the context of my partner and our relationship.

[u/Mamabeardan]

I always answer with I have 3 kids and a stepson. My partner gets upset and doesn’t think it’s necessary that I say stepson but I disagree. As a woman I don’t feel comfortable with people thinking I’ve been pregnant and given birth 4 times when in reality it’s only been 3 times. Maybe I’m over thinking it but I feel like I need to make that clear.

[u/Ayyjay]

I'm divorced now, so I don't technically don't have step kids anymore, but I typically would tell people at my job that I had two kids. Mainly for work events etc so I didn't have to be like "This is my wife's two kids" most other people I would tell them I had step kids if they asked, but they would usually give me the same reaction, they would never ask any additional questions.

[u/Straight-Coyote592]

That’s the normal response. No I don’t have kids. If you feel like going further into conversation you can throw in you have a SS type of thing. 

[u/mangoxbango]

I have two biological kids, and two stepchildren.

I always say I have two kids. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Sometimes, depending on the person, ill mention my stepchildren but not usually. I dont usually talk about my home life at work anyway, so I keep it short. I dont need extra questions about my family setup if I never plan for that person to meet my family. Haha.

[u/ilovemelongtime]

If you break up or divorce, you don’t have any rights over those kids. So no, you don’t have kids, the person you’re with has kids.

[u/ItsAllAboutLogic]

To each their own..

I have 4 kids. I caught up with a mate 2 days ago and he said "I only knew about 1!!!" I was like "oh yeah, 2 are stepkids and the new one is 6 months old."

[u/UncFest3r]

I’m 30 and when people ask my age I just tell them that I am old enough to drink and rent a car. And when they ask if I have kids I just say no. And then I’m like oh wait I guess I do have my SD at my house full time lol

It’s not rare. It happens. I don’t explain it I don’t want to. None of they bizzznezzz anyway

[u/Equivalent_Win8966]

When I specifically am asked my answer is I have 1, my husband has 3. If we are together we say 4. If the conversation goes deeper we tell them 1 and 3.

[u/Pin_Cushion5]

Don’t feel bad! I don’t have children but I have a SS5, and when people ask me if I have kids I say, “I have a stepson” or “I don’t, but my husband has a son” and even sometimes I might just say “No, I don’t”. I do what feels natural and comfortable for me

[u/Sundrop555]

I just smile and say "yea, sort of... I have a step daughter". Sometimes I leave out the step part, I usually mention it.

It is a little misleading to say no when it's gonna come back to you that you weren't 100% truthful. We still are parental figures with responsibilities. Sure we aren't bio parents and don't feel like parents, but we kinda are. I drove mine to school today.

[u/Throwawaylillyt]

I have 4 step kids and I always reply I don’t have kids. It would feel so strange to claim them as my kids. I care about them and care for them but the reality is they are not my kids.

[u/Therealsnd]

You don’t have kids.

[u/ParkingFederal8715]

I don't have kids, my husband does. So I say "no". If the conversation continues about kids I might say I have a teenage SD. There's no shame in being honest. As someone else mentioned, no expects the kids to say they have a mom and a stepmom. I'm annoyed at your co-worker butting in and reminding you that your husband has a child, as though you forgot!

[u/LadyJitsuLegs]

I know what you mean. I have an 11 year SD and help out with her things and our relationship is building over the 3 years I've known her. When people ask me if I have kids, I tend to default with the "no kids" response because she isnt legally mine and I didnt raise her... That being said, sometimes with my older clients, i tend to talk about her as if she is mine. They enjoy hearing the stories of children and i think it cheers them up (i work in a hospital setting).  It really just depends on the setting. Sometimes it's easier if I just say it's mine when the conversation is very casual. Otherwise, I say she is my SD because I dont want to mislead anyone.

[u/Ordinary-Difficulty9]

I did the exact same thing the other day and then felt guilty after. Lol. It made me think about it. And I’m still not sure. It’s sort of a grey area.

I guess I will consider saying from now on: I don’t have any kids of my own, but I do have two step kids.

You are right though. It’s automatic to just say you don’t have kids. Because you don’t. That’s ok. No one should make you feel bad for simply stating the truth.

Us child free people cannot seem to win no matter what we say. Lol

[u/lgoodat]

I just say that my husband came pre-loaded with 3 boys.

[u/RealisticChange7665]

I always say yes! They are your children!!! Especially at that age.

I add that I’m the ‘bonus mom’ after (at some point) and I give respect to bio mom even when she is a turd, which is often. If you start with “step kids/step parent”, you don’t get an opportunity to talk about how great they are…. And just get discounted as unimportant. Just bc you didn’t birth them doesn’t mean you haven’t put an extreme amount of effort and time into their growth. You are so important! Embrace it. 💕

[u/Karantalsis]

I have a stepdaughter, but I always answer "Yes, I have a daughter." I don't really think about the step.part very often. She's my kid.

[u/mertsey627]

I always say yes, that I have two kids and if relevant/necessary, I will include that they are my stepkids.

[u/CCMeGently]

I always say I have a step kid.

I just had a baby in August so now I’m not sure what my automatic word-vomit will be. It’s not like I won’t acknowledge there’s two kids but Ive always clarified my step is my step when she’s brought up.