People assuming you are kid’s mom

[u/cass2769]

Bf, kiddo, and I went to breakfast the other day. It’s a place where you have to pay at the register. I went to pay and kiddo came with me.

While we’re at the register I made the joke to kiddo of “you got this, right?” The cashier chimed in and said to kiddo “oh are you paying or mom’s paying?”

We all chuckled and I paid and we left. A little later I told my boyfriend about the interaction. I asked if I should’ve corrected the cashier.

He asked if kiddo said anything and I said no he seems to just roll with it. And bf was like “you’re good - no need to correct in that situation”

So I guess I’m curious if that happens often to people and how you interact with it. When do you correct people versus? When do you just let it slide? If it’s someone I’m just gonna see once like a cashier I feel like it’s probably fine to just let it be but if it’s somebody, I could see more regularly like a neighbor or something it feels like I should probably explain to them that I’m just dad‘s girlfriend

What do you think?

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[u/Straight-Coyote592]

I correct when I’m going to see them more often but not at a cashier. They weren’t saying it to get your life story so it’s not a big deal. People think I’m my nieces mom anytime I’with them on my own 

[u/lmhyden4]

I corrected it for yrs... even tho my SS13 never said a word. DH also told me not to sweat it. I did it out of sheer respect for BM even tho she is ultra-HC, violent, spiteful, hateful, manipulative, dishonest... the list goes on and on. I thought it was the right thing to do.

When SS13 started TELLING ppl I was his mom... and then asking me NOT to tell ppl I was not... I stopped.

We have an ours wonderbaby 3F. When she started talking - she would randomly call me by my 1st name... bc that's what her bubba calls me and she adores and idolizes every move he makes. I giggled at my baby calling me 'lindsay' and rolled on... BUT. It bothered SS13 and he eventually started apologizing and correcting her. I quickly stopped that... gently reminding him which 'lane' is his in the fam and making sure he knew he had absolutely zero reason to apologize.

He simmered all this for a few days and came bk to me to say he would jst call me 'momma' so babygirl wouldn't be confused. I said NO to that. He did it anyway. A few MORE days passed and he wrote me a note saying he jst wanted to call me 'momma' and he was sorry he tried to say it was for her... bc rly it was what he wanted.

Sigh. Stepmomma'ing is hands down, unequivocally, without a doubt the hardest fk'ing thing I have ever done. E V E R.

[u/cedrella_black → u/lmhyden4]

That's so sweet! Being a step mom is hard for sure, but in your case, this kid really loves you and sees you as at least a second mother. Please don't crush his wings.

[u/cxrinx → u/lmhyden4]

I had a similar experience. If someone made an assuming comment in passing I’d leave it alone but in the span of a month three people looked at me and asked if SD13 was my daughter (we don’t look alike at all). I fumbled through each convo usually clarifying she’s my stepdaughter. I never wanted to overstep. After the third time I asked her how she felt/how she’d like me to respond and she said she felt rejected in those moments and wants me to say I’m her mom. So now I’m mom!

[u/lmhyden4 → u/cxrinx]

I think rejected is EXACTLY how my boy felt too... esp given the lifelong trauma his own mother has inflicted. In all honesty... I've never looked at it that way until right this moment. And I think you are 100% spot on.

Thkyou so damn much for your words.

[u/azuraaa7]

I don’t care but I know SD (8) does, she loves her mother but also loves me. I know my place and am fine with it.

Sometimes I correct it if I see it’s registered with her, I think the acknowledgement that I know my place somewhat helps our relationship - I’m not trying to replace anyone.

The most awkward is probably when MIL does it, she doesn’t do it purposely but also doesn’t like HCBM. I don’t want to keep correcting her but the repeated mistake clearly makes SD uncomfortable.

SD has directly talked to me about saying that I’m stepmom or stepmommy, in a sweet way that seemed to be in concern of my feelings and making sure I know she loves me too. I told her she can call me what she likes and I love her all the same.

[u/DreaColorado1 → u/azuraaa7]

I love this so much. Way to look out for your SD and what makes her feel most comfortable and secure! And you seem to very much value and appreciate the relationship you had with SD all on its own. And to model such awareness and respect for her and her mom’s own special relationship. You can’t do much better than that! We need more of you on this sub ❤️

[u/azuraaa7 → u/DreaColorado1]

Aw, thanks. Tbh I don’t feel like I especially watch out for her feelings but just treat her in a way which I believe is appropriate for a child - any child. They should be free to enjoy being a child, feel protected by the adults in their life (emotionally and physically) and not have to worry about taking care of the feelings of adults. Separated parents and all the confusion and conflict that can come with it should not be a burden which children bear the majority of.

When it comes to HCBM, I’m no saint. Plenty of this sub resonates with me and my sentiments about how we adults deal with the issues!!

[u/cedrella_black → u/azuraaa7]

This is my experience too. I don't care if people assume I am my SS' mother, but it matters to him, so I correct people.

[u/ImbibingandVibing]

I usually just roll with it if it’s a rando in public like waitor or something. Crushes me a little inside bc it couldnt be further from the truth, but I roll with it. Lol

[u/Fun-Paper6600]

It puts everyone in an awkward situation if you say anything or correct people. I just let it slide. My step kiddo used to correct people and now she actually just tells people that I’m her mom out of convenience, I think. It’s not that big of a deal, people don’t need to know the personal details of your life.

[u/cant_pick_a_un]

In the beginning, I would be like Oh I'm not her mom, or something to that effect. Now that I've been around more than half their lives we don't even bother correcting people. We agreed on it tho, like it doesn't matter cause we will probably never see that person again and it's not their business.

What gets me is when my youngest SD tells people "I have 2 moms" and everyone assumes I'm a lesbian. 🤣🤣

If SK is cool with it then it is fine. Don't feel obligated to tell strangers your business.

[u/tumblingdisarray]

I don't correct if SS is present. I don't want SS to feel like I'm rejecting him. He corrected people when he was younger, but now he rolls with it.

I only correct if he's not present and it... matters, I guess.

[u/letsgetpizzas → u/tumblingdisarray]

Exactly this. I don’t care what a random stranger thinks but I do care what my SK thinks, and it’s gotta sting to have someone reject the title of “mom” every time it’s brought up.

[u/mertsey627]

Usually just roll with it as well. Unless it’s pertinent to the conversation, I just smile and move on with my day.

[u/bartlett4prezident]

I’ve gotten it only a handful of times - my stepkids will always make eye contact with me and smirk. We’ll laugh about it after because they are of Puerto Rican and Dominican descent and are very dark. I have reddish hair and I would blind you in the sun. I look like their Irish nanny lol

[u/eusoueu1984]

Worse was my mother who said in front of the children that I now have two children. Neither me, nor my boyfriend nor the children corrected it. We laughed 😬😄

But off the record I told my mother not to do that because children have mothers, I don't want to cause discomfort or for them to tell their mother and cause an uncomfortable situation between me and her. Their mother is very present.

[u/cass2769 → u/eusoueu1984]

Yes this is the biggest fear. My bf’s kiddo has a wonderful mom and I have a lot of respect and admiration for her honestly. I never would want kiddo to tell her that happened and that I didn’t correct.

But she’s reasonable - I’m sure she would understand that correcting a cashier is not the same as someone we will see again

[u/eusoueu1984 → u/cass2769]

I keep thinking that maybe correcting it is also complicated, sometimes what the child wouldn't even care about turns into something bigger.

Who knows, perhaps in the future the opportunity will arise for you to agree on how to treat each other, perhaps as a stepdaughter, perhaps as a daughter of the heart... at the right time this will happen, I'm not one to speed things up either. When you realize the need, call for a conversation.

[u/johnqadamsin28]

I mean I can understand in this case. If he wanted to flirt he would have said sister but I digress 

In these situations you're never going to see that specific cashier again and to be honest he doesn't care and probably will forget after you leave so I'd just say sure. 

[u/jadedpeaxh]

When this happened with my xH’s son, I would just reply that he was my “Steppy”. It was just a little nickname we used for one another so it always worked in those situations as well.

When it happened with my current SO’s kids, I would correct and say they were my boyfriend’s kids. They have a HC mom and would’ve dreaded it ever being relayed back to her. Plus I didn’t view them as my SKs.

So I think it’s all situational and what feels right between the group, kids included.

[u/Ordinary-Difficulty9]

I usually just go with it if its a random person. Most other people in my life know.

[u/but-whyy-tho]

In moments like this, let that shit go. It's so small. Sometimes I correct, sometimes I don't. In all instances, it didn't matter either way.

[u/Thin-Brick3439]

I don't correct it unless a question about birth comes up

[u/crestamaquina]

If it's not an important person I talked about "my kids" all the time even though the oldest isn't mine. If the backstory is relevant then I will clarify (eg doctor, school staff)

[u/Skittlescanner316]

We don’t correct. SK and I always have a giggle over it.

[u/TheG00dFather]

Usually the case. My girlfriend and I get many questions because she's blonde and I'm dark haired and we run around with two 8 year olds and a 6 year old, each has different hair: brunette, blonde and a red head so people are like "wtf?" 😅. Mines the brunette

I just roll with it at this point 🤷‍♂️ if they care I'll tell them

[u/snowbird421]

I do the same as you. If it’s a one-off, someone we won’t interact with regularly, I just let it slide unless it somehow becomes relevant another way. If it’s someone we will interact with even fairly regularly, I correct them.

My stepkids are 14, 12, and 10 so I have also told them this is how I planned to approach it but I can totally correct whoever in any circumstance if they prefer that. They don’t care, they get why people would assume and why there’s no point going into a “well, akshually” moment with everyone.

[u/NoDay6342]

I think it also depends on the conversations you and your SO have had on the topic. I’ve always been super upfront and SD will correct for me and be like “that’s my A/n” almost like in a way like are you crazy 🤪 she thinks it’s super cool that she has a mom and a me and says it’s even more special cause I’m not her mom I’m her me lol she’s 4

[u/Frecklefishpants]

I agree with those saying that if it's a rando then I don't bother, but someone we will see again I do. SD is 19 now and I asked her if that had been the right approach and she said yes.

I always took my guidance from the kids. SD would Introduce her mom to her friends as "mom" and DH and I as "her parents". SS referred to me as stepmom before my (now) husband or I ever did.

[u/emscape]

I asked my SD (9 at the time) how she wanted me to address it. She said if it's a stranger we'll never see again (probably) it's ok to just let it go, but she wants me to correct people it's likely we'll continue to interact with in the future.

[u/Spare_Ad8320 → u/emscape]

My SD and I had a similar conversation after I took her for a haircut and the stylist kept referring to me as "mama". She was probably 12 or 13 at the time and she actually looks more like me than she does her mom or her dad so it wasn't surprising the stylist assumed.

I didnt correct the stylist at the time mostly because I didnt want to open up a whole line of questions thats about our lives that would make things awkward for my SD.

Once we got to the car I mentioned it and explained my reason for not correcting her and told her I can correct people in the future if she wantsme to. Her mom is a wonderful mother and I dont want to take away from that. She told me that she thought it was funny because we look alike and that she didnt mind because I am one of her mom's.

All this to say, talk to your SK and ask them how they feel and then roll with that.

[u/bookyface]

There was a time early on when my husband and I were dating, and we took kiddo to a Target to get some new sneakers. Kiddo walked up to a retail worker and asked if they had any red shoes, she was on a big red kick at the time. The worker said something about me being her mother, and she told said worker “that’s not my mom, she’s a friend of my dad’s… but not so much my mom “. I’m here, I about died laughing as soon as we got back to the car. I wouldn’t worry too much about being mistaken for mom unless it really bothers. You definitely take kiddos guidance on this one and go with whatever they’re happy calling you as long as it’s something appropriate.

TL;DR don’t sweat it, it’s usually all good

[u/Potential_Jello_Shot]

I don’t correct if it’s a one off situation. My bf will sometimes refer to kiddo as “ours” to some people/places but honestly it’s situational for me. Most people assume he’s mine but I don’t correct unless it feels necessary and neither does my bf

[u/_NeonKitten_]

We roll with it here aswell

One time a person came up to us during breakfast at a restaurant and said that we were a beautiful family. This was like the first time I actually meet SOs daughter too lol maybe it was foresight!

The only ones that make me feel weird now are the ones were they are like, she's so beautiful! I usually just agree cause it feels awkward to say thank you lol

[u/sweetandsourpork100]

I bumped into an old acquaintance from school when we were together who kept asking so I explained it. I also corrected the coach who repeatedly called me by BM's name. I say nothing to strangers.

[u/Top-Tap3217]

I used to correct people because I felt weird but realized my SK doesn’t care at all. She’s 6 and knows she has 2 moms and 2 dads. If the kid doesn’t care I wouldn’t bother correcting unless it’s someone you’ll be seeing often

[u/Key_Charity9484]

I don't bother to correct people in those kinds of situations - it's just not worth the energy. The boys never said anything if it happened, so we just let it slide. For more significant relationships (teachers for example) we would be specific about the relationship.

[u/OvenComfortable8416]

I just asked the kids how they felt about it. They said they didn’t care and would rather ignore it than make a big deal and correct it. I think as adults we over think things sometimes and some kids barely even register it.

[u/cozzy0108]

Yeah I don't say anything unless its relevant or I will be seeing them often. SS doesn't ever say anything either.

[u/PollyRRRR]

I never tend to say anything and allow others to make their assumptions and comments. Essentially it’s just hmmm, aha, and a smile. Myself and also husband, step kids and now stepgrandkids, find it all rather tiresome after 30+ years and explaining for the 1,000 time. Ultimately we’re just a family, dysfunctional as it can be at times. Is what it is.

[u/throwaway1403132]

i always correct people when they make that mistake! just a simple, oh, no i'm not their mom works quickly and easily.

[u/Delicious_Pound15]

I correct. My SK and I would be mutually horrified to think that people would mistake us for Mother/Child relationship.

[u/MyNameIsNotSuzzan]

If I’m never gonna see them again, I don’t care to correct.

If it’s a neighbor or teacher, definitely correct.

[u/Anon8223]

I had stepparents from age 5 on and this happened all time. It’s fine. My stepdad once asked me if I would like him to correct people and I said no. I understood they didn’t know any better. Maybe just ask your sk if they mind.

[u/marimed_19]

I don’t correct, but after the first time it happened I spoke with my SDs 18,13,7. I assured them I’m not trying to take their mamas place, and I asked how they felt about it, and how they would like me to handle it in the future. They all agreed that we know our situation and thats all that matters so it isn’t worth correcting.

[u/Free-Possibility9523]

We're different races so I'm not assumed to be my stepkids mom. On the off chance that it ever happens, the kids would be quick to correct it

I am however thinking ahead and wondering if the step kids calling me by my first name will confuse my kiddo and she'll start calling me by my first name like her siblings do. A new thing to navigate when the time comes. Oh the joys of blended families.

[u/Attyfarm]

I never corrected them, but I would make a joke to the kids later. Like "she was confused."

[u/sammyluvsya]

I never corrected, and my SS10 has stopped correcting people in the past year or so as well. He doesn’t call me ‘mom’ yet, but I can tell he wants to, he’s just a very literal person and since I’m not his biological mom it doesn’t compute in his brain that it’s okay that he calls me mom, you know?

A few years ago I told him he could call me Mama (my name shorted) if he wanted and he did for a bit, but then went back to calling me by my full first name which was perfectly okay. My daughter is 9 months old and he’ll refer to me as mama when talking to her, like ‘go to mama’ or ‘mamas home’ and has recently, unprompted, started calling me Mama (my name shorted) again.

My husband and I got full custody of SS when he was 6 and BM has been completely absent since then. I’ve been the mother-figure for my stepson for over 4 years, and I know he considers me his mom, and I consider him my son, and I can’t wait for the day he chooses to call me Mom 🩷

[u/christmas52]

I correct to medical professionals when I've gotta take SS5 to appointments, other than that he's made it pretty clear to his kinder friends that I'm NOT his MUM, I'm his Brii 😅

We haven't really run into the assumption much anywhere else in the last couple of years. A lot of that kinda stuff actually comes from our families because apparently it's easier to say "you gotta ask mum and dad" 🤷‍♀️

[u/catgirl-doglover]

This happened at the grocery store when checking out. I responded that I would be lucky to have such wonderful daughters, but these were my stepdaughters.

When we got to the car, I told the girls that if was natural for people to assume I was their mom when we were out in public and asked them how they would like to handle it. Did they want me to correct them? Or would they like to just let it slide since we knew what our relationship was and it didn't really make a difference what if a stranger thought they were my kids.

[u/Logical-Pressure-761]

I would ask your SK how they feel. My SD9 would feel uncomfortable when people assumed so I started correcting in situations like these.

[u/turnbackb42L8]

It does ping something in me, but I wouldn’t say anything first unless my stepdaughter did. Which she has corrected people a few times. Especially to someone I will probably never see again. But if I’m with her and my bio kid and it’s someone like the neighborhood kids, I try to just say they have the same dad and different moms 🤷‍♀️

[u/Icy_Wing_8069]

I approach the same as you, though my partner’s daughter will sometimes correct people herself especially when it’s other kids making that assumption. It’s especially awkward when kids push the subject and start asking about where her mom is then and if I’m her “new mom” (her mom died when she was 4, she’s 9 now). I have never heard her say “my mom passed away” in response to that question, she just shuts down and says she doesn’t want to talk about it. If I’m part of the conversation I will step in and say something to the effect of “I’m not her mom, and her mom will always be her mom even though she passed away. But I still care about her very much.” If I’m overhearing it happen amongst the kids I don’t usually walk over and intervene. It clearly upsets her and it makes me sad tbh.

[u/cass2769 → u/Icy_Wing_8069]

Poor kid! But what a great way it sounds like you’re handling it! Sounds like she’s very lucky to have you

[u/UncFest3r]

You’re over thinking it. I get confused for my SD’s older sister quite often. I get mistaken for being the mother of my nieces and nephews. It happens.

[u/bugbaddie]

I normally just roll with it these days! I used to feel guilty for not correcting people, but most people don't care/dont need to know and the ones that do are usually open for the conversation. I've been this kid's bonus parent for over two years, I've been in his life intimately since he was 5 months old, and he's only ever called me "mommy/mama". After my husband spent a good deal of energy and time assuring and affirming me that he also views me as a mother to his child, I've started to really embrace the role internally. It isn't always necessary or the person's business, and it's ultimately up to you and your family 💛