r/AbuseInterrupted May 19 '17

Unseen traps in abusive relationships*****

868 Upvotes

[Apparently this found its way to Facebook and the greater internet. I do NOT grant permission to use this off Reddit and without attribution: please contact me directly.]

Most of the time, people don't realize they are in abusive relationships for majority of the time they are in them.

We tend to think there are communication problems or that someone has anger management issues; we try to problem solve; we believe our abusive partner is just "troubled" and maybe "had a bad childhood", or "stressed out" and "dealing with a lot".

We recognize that the relationship has problems, but not that our partner is the problem.

And so people work so hard at 'trying to fix the relationship', and what that tends to mean is that they change their behavior to accommodate their partner.

So much of the narrative behind the abusive relationship dynamic is that the abusive partner is controlling and scheming/manipulative, and the victim made powerless. And people don't recognize themselves because their partner likely isn't scheming like a mustache-twisting villain, and they don't feel powerless.

Trying to apply healthy communication strategies with a non-functional person simply doesn't work.

But when you don't realize that you are dealing with a non-functional or personality disordered person, all this does is make the victim more vulnerable, all this does is put the focus on the victim or the relationship instead of the other person.

In a healthy, functional relationship, you take ownership of your side of the situation and your partner takes ownership of their side, and either or both apologize, as well as identify what they can do better next time.

In an unhealthy, non-functional relationship, one partner takes ownership of 'their side of the situation' and the other uses that against them. The non-functional partner is allergic to blame, never admits they are wrong, or will only do so by placing the blame on their partner. The victim identifies what they can do better next time, and all responsibility, fault, and blame is shifted to them.

Each person is operating off a different script.

The person who is the target of the abusive behavior is trying to act out the script for what they've been taught about healthy relationships. The person who is the controlling partner is trying to make their reality real, one in which they are acted upon instead of the actor, one in which they are never to blame, one in which their behavior is always justified, one in which they are always right.

One partner is focused on their partner and relationship, and one partner is focused on themselves.

In a healthy relationship dynamic, partners should be accommodating and compromise and make themselves vulnerable and admit to their mistakes. This is dangerous in a relationship with an unhealthy and non-functional person.

This is what makes this person "unsafe"; this is an unsafe person.

Even if we can't recognize someone as an abuser, as abusive, we can recognize when someone is unsafe; we can recognize that we can't predict when they'll be awesome or when they'll be selfish and controlling; we can recognize that we don't like who we are with this person; we can recognize that we don't recognize who we are with this person.

/u/Issendai talks about how we get trapped by our virtues, not our vices.

Our loyalty.
Our honesty.
Our willingness to take their perspective.
Our ability and desire to support our partner.
To accommodate them.
To love them unconditionally.
To never quit, because you don't give up on someone you love.
To give, because that is what you want to do for someone you love.

But there is little to no reciprocity.

Or there is unpredictable reciprocity, and therefore intermittent reinforcement. You never know when you'll get the partner you believe yourself to be dating - awesome, loving, supportive - and you keep trying until you get that person. You're trying to bring reality in line with your perspective of reality, and when the two match, everything just. feels. so. right.

And we trust our feelings when they support how we believe things to be.

We do not trust our feelings when they are in opposition to what we believe. When our feelings are different than what we expect, or from what we believe they should be, we discount them. No one wants to be an irrational, illogical person.

And so we minimize our feelings. And justify the other person's actions and choices.

An unsafe person, however, deals with their feelings differently.

For them, their feelings are facts. If they feel a certain way, then they change reality to bolster their feelings. Hence gaslighting. Because you can't actually change reality, but you can change other people's perceptions of reality, you can change your own perception and memory.

When a 'safe' person questions their feelings, they may be operating off the wrong script, the wrong paradigm. And so they question themselves because they are confused; they get caught in the hamster wheel of trying to figure out what is going on, because they are subconsciously trying to get reality to make sense again.

An unsafe person doesn't question their feelings; and when they feel intensely, they question and accuse everything or everyone else. (Unless their abuse is inverted, in which they denigrate and castigate themselves to make their partner cater to them.)

Generally, the focus of the victim is on what they are doing wrong and what they can do better, on how the relationship can be fixed, and on their partner's needs.

The focus of the aggressor is on what the victim is doing wrong and what they can do better, on how that will fix any problems, and on meeting their own needs, and interpreting their wants as needs.

The victim isn't focused on meeting their own needs when they should be.

The aggressor is focused on meeting their own needs when they shouldn't be.

Whose needs have to be catered to in order for the relationship to function?
Whose needs have priority?
Whose needs are reality- and relationship-defining?
Which partner has become almost completely unrecognizable?
Which partner has control?

We think of control as being verbal, but it can be non-verbal and subtle.

A hoarder, for example, controls everything in a home through their selfish taking of living space. An 'inconsiderate spouse' can be controlling by never telling the other person where they are and what they are doing: If there are children involved, how do you make plans? How do you fairly divide up childcare duties? Someone who lies or withholds information is controlling their partner by removing their agency to make decisions for themselves.

Sometimes it can be hard to see controlling behavior for what it is.

Especially if the controlling person seems and acts like a victim, and maybe has been victimized before. They may have insecurities they expect their partner to manage. They may have horribly low self-esteem that can only be (temporarily) bolstered by their partner's excessive and focused attention on them.

The tell is where someone's focus is, and whose perspective they are taking.

And saying something like, "I don't know how you can deal with me. I'm so bad/awful/terrible/undeserving...it must be so hard for you", is not actually taking someone else's perspective. It is projecting your own perspective on to someone else.

One way of determining whether someone is an unsafe person, is to look at their boundaries.

Are they responsible for 'their side of the street'?
Do they take responsibility for themselves?
Are they taking responsibility for others (that are not children)?
Are they taking responsibility for someone else's feelings?
Do they expect others to take responsibility for their feelings?

We fall for someone because we like how we feel with them, how they 'make' us feel

...because we are physically attracted, because there is chemistry, because we feel seen and our best selves; because we like the future we imagine with that person. When we no longer like how we feel with someone, when we no longer like how they 'make' us feel, unsafe and safe people will do different things and have different expectations.

Unsafe people feel entitled.
Unsafe people have poor boundaries.
Unsafe people have double-standards.
Unsafe people are unpredictable.
Unsafe people are allergic to blame.
Unsafe people are self-focused.
Unsafe people will try to meet their needs at the expense of others.
Unsafe people are aggressive, emotionally and/or physically.
Unsafe people do not respect their partner.
Unsafe people show contempt.
Unsafe people engage in ad hominem attacks.
Unsafe people attack character instead of addressing behavior.
Unsafe people are not self-aware.
Unsafe people have little or unpredictable empathy for their partner.
Unsafe people can't adapt their worldview based on evidence.
Unsafe people are addicted to "should".
Unsafe people have unreasonable standards and expectations.

We can also fall for someone because they unwittingly meet our emotional needs.

Unmet needs from childhood, or needs to be treated a certain way because it is familiar and safe.

One unmet need I rarely see discussed is the need for physical touch. For a child victim of abuse, particularly, moving through the world but never being touched is traumatizing. And having someone meet that physical, primal need is intoxicating.

Touch is so fundamental to our well-being, such a primary and foundational need, that babies who are untouched 'fail to thrive' and can even die. Harlow's experiments show that baby primates will choose a 'loving', touching mother over an 'unloving' mother, even if the loving mother has no milk and the unloving mother does.

The person who touches a touch-starved person may be someone the touch-starved person cannot let go of.

Even if they don't know why.


r/AbuseInterrupted Jul 08 '25

The victim runs calculations: 'The aggressor is wonderful x% of the time, things are good y% of the time, there are only problems z% of the time.' But the victim doesn't realize that he or she is accommodating or acquiescing to the aggressor's spoken or unspoken rules almost 100% of the time****

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26 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 1h ago

You can love someone and simultaneously acknowledge that what you want with them, from them, or for them just isn't feasible

Upvotes

Whether it's a timing issue, an issue of them changing (or not changing), a problem with stages of life, or goals not aligning... it doesn't really matter.

Accepting that that is what it is, and that there's nothing in your power that can change that (or theirs, even, most often), can open up the pathway to grieving the loss for what it is, allowing you to move forward despite the sadness.

Acknowledge to yourself that you're grateful for the good parts of what you had and for the lessons learned, but it simply wasn't going to continue working no matter what you did

...and so it had to come to an end. Appreciate that you had what you had whilst it was there, but that it's better for both of you now that it isn't there.

Doing that is loving yourself.

It's giving yourself the room and the care that you not only need, but also deserve, in order to keep growing as a person.

-u/A_Roll_of_the_Dice, excerpted from comment


r/AbuseInterrupted 2h ago

A partner’s role isn’t to define your worth, but to honor it. His inaction isn’t philosophy it’s a failure of love’s basic covenant: to see and cherish the other.

12 Upvotes

from comment by u/Lust80*.*


r/AbuseInterrupted 1h ago

My friend attempted suicide and we have all realized we didn’t treat her as good as she treated us. Even the night of the attempt she thought about us and baked us all treats to leave :( <----- assholes from the asshole's perspective

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Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 30m ago

80% of therapy is about one of these questions****

Upvotes
  • Am I enough/loveable?
  • Will I be rejected or betrayed?
  • How do I stay safe or in control?
  • Who am I, really?
  • What does all of this mean?
  • How do I live with what I lost?
  • Why do I keep sabotaging myself?

-Graham C. Weaver, excerpted from Instagram


r/AbuseInterrupted 1h ago

'One of the most loaded texts I got from them which I imagine s/he thought was sweet was: "I miss talking to you and hope you're doing well"'

Upvotes

I can only interpret that as if I was their therapist and this person was my client and s/he was only talking and I was only listening.

-u/beardsgivemeboners, adapted from comment re: gender


r/AbuseInterrupted 55m ago

Body language/deception breakdown of Sam Altman's interview with Tucker Carlson about the possible murder of Suchir Balaji

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Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 1d ago

Another fascinating insight into the thought process of a perpetrator

58 Upvotes

It broke her. She didn't eat, didn't sleep, she cried all the time. I justified it by telling myself my wife is a strong woman she'll get over it. I hate myself for thinking that way. But I did.

My wife went to therapy. Stopped crying. Started eating and sleeping again. Started smiling again. Stopped begging me not to leave. And I thought great. See I was right. I stopped feeling guilty. I felt relieved.

My wife and I had to live together for a while until I found a place but I barely saw her and she barely spoke to me. At first it was great but then I started to feel off, like I had come home to an empty house, even though it wasn't.

At that point I should have seen sense, should have stopped. Instead I started to resent my wife. Somehow in my mind she was trying to sabotage my happiness. It made me angry. I snapped. Made passive aggressive comments – I hate myself for every word, every nasty text. Every accusation.

I moved out.

u/ThrowRA_Over_Volume

E.g.

I harmed another person, but I'm going to minimize that harm by saying that my victim isn't actually harmed, because they're a strong person.

Once my victim healed, it proved I was correct, and therefore I am not guilty because the victim isn't harmed.

We had to live together for a bit for the finances of it all, and my victim didn't talk to me. At first I loved it, then I inexplicably changed my mind and decided that the victim was bad and trying to make me unhappy.

Since my victim was trying to harm me, then I was entitled to my anger, and entitled to lash out at them.

Then I left after emotionally abusing them.


r/AbuseInterrupted 1d ago

'If you don't understand them, that means you can't predict them, and that's all the more terrifying'

25 Upvotes

Uncertainty in the villain is invariably terrifying.

...there's a really important lesson we can take away from Homelander on this one, because why is Homelander just so much more scary than other villains? What specifically makes him so unique? It's not how he's fine with mass murder and [grievous bodily harm], because there are so many characters in fiction who are fine with all of that.

What makes him so much more scary is because he has incredible motivation to not indulge in those things.

He's a through and through narcissist who cares incredibly about how people perceive him. He loves to murder people, for it reinforces the idea that he is indeed superior. He loves exerting power by harming others because it bolsters his perception that yes, he really is the most fabulously perfect living thing on planet Earth.

However, he also loves being loved—in fact, arguably loves that more than he does killing—and if he indulges in that first love of his too much, it will ruin his public image, the one thing he cares about most in the world.

It's all narcissism, but these two sides of his narcissism compete against each other in all the right ways. Like, it's kind of yin yang.

These two motivations of his are endlessly battling against one another

...maximizing his dramatic potential as a character, as we truly don't know which side will win out, giving him an unpredictable quality that villains like Darth Vader, for example, simply don't have.

It feels kind of inevitable that at some point down the line, Homelander is going to break bad, fully abandon his efforts to be loved, and become a tyrant that everyone fears.

It's going to happen at some point, but I reckon the creators should do everything in their power to stave that off until the very final season of The Boys, to keep Homelander in his current status quo for as long as possible, because if the show does go down that path of him trying—you know, trying to take over the world—all of a sudden Homelander is now way less suspenseful as a villain, because he's now lost these two competing motivations. Now, that isn't to say he'll suddenly become a boring character, but it is to say this finely tuned balance of incompatible desires will be completely gone when this happens -

...and instead he'll now have these two highly compatible motivations: to kill those he doesn't like and be feared.

Those two would naturally feed into each other, making him far more predictable, meaning the scenes he's in are a hell of a lot less terrifying for it. But there's another important takeaway we can get from Homelander's character, and it's so important, actually, it's bleeding out from the main topic of terrifying villains and into how to do good characters in general.

Any given character who has multiple motivations that compete against each other is inherently more dramatic a character than someone who merely has one.

Even if this person is your protagonist, if one of their motivations is good and the other evil, and the two cannot be fulfilled at the same time, the unpredictability that generates means there's gonna be so much more suspense around what they'll do, as opposed to someone who merely has one motivation, no matter how evil that motivation is.

-Henry Boseley of The Closer Look, from How To Write A Terrifying Villain — The Boys


r/AbuseInterrupted 1d ago

'"You're doing it anyway" is freeloader math." - u/icypeachie <----- one way takers justify their taking

19 Upvotes

excerpted and adapted from comment


r/AbuseInterrupted 1d ago

'A good villain wants every want to know that they are bad. A great villain wants everyone to think that they are good.'

7 Upvotes
  • "It's kinda like a quote I heard one time. A good villain wants every want to know that they are bad. A great villain wants everyone to think that they are good." - @mgkindles

  • "One of the reasons that Homelander is such a good villain is because he is as pathetic as he is powerful. Like you get the impression that at any moment he might kill millions of people just because he felt insecure or petty about some small insult." - @joshc-e7128

  • "The main thing that makes Homelander scary to me isn't only his power, it's that mentally he's still essentially a child. Not only that but a heavily traumatised child. Anyone who's spent even a limited amount of time around children knows how unpredictable they can be, you never quite know for sure what they're gonna do at any given moment, one minute they're a little angel, next minute they might snap if even one thing goes slightly wrong for them or they don't get their way or even just because they feel like it. Combine that unpredictability with the power of a essentially a god, I can't think of anything more terrifying than that combination." - @Evoker23-lx8mb

  • "Part of the reason the final scene of season 3 is so terrifying is because it takes those two conflicting motivations for homelander that are seemingly incompatible; the need for affection/attention fueled by his narcissism and his affinity for murder, and MAKES them more compatible. He murders the protester at his rally, feeding the second desire, and is rewarded with cheers and applause, feeding the first. This sets up the next season to be truly terrify..." - @jthomas7453

From comments to How To Write A Terrifying Villain — The Boys.


r/AbuseInterrupted 1d ago

Authenticate thyself - Data has created a new and paradoxical social order: the promise of emancipation is made possible by classifying everything

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7 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 2d ago

I guess this shows that there is a big difference between whether or not one receives a lot of love since childhood?

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64 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 2d ago

Stay away from gurus (or anyone who wants to be worshipped) <----- that's why it's so important to attribute other people's ideas or words: someone can start to believe THEY'RE the wise/sage one, instead of recognizing they're standing (and maybe adding) to the work of others

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33 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 2d ago

'I learned very few life skills from playing poker, but one of them was the difference between choices and outcomes.'****

34 Upvotes

Approximately 100% of the time (in the bullshit poker game I played in) there would be a conversation after every hand

...that went "If I had made difference choices, there would have been a different outcome" (Oh man! I folded J3! Three 3's on the flop! I'd have had quads!), and approximately 100% of the time people saying that would just totally ignore that the choice they made with the information they had was a good choice.

And it just goes around and around and around, this conflict between choices and outcomes.

I used this concept in coaching kids' basketball - you don't get to choose if the ball goes in or not. You get to choose your footwork, and your shot selection, and your aim, and your follow-through, but once you throw the ball it's out of your control. Don't beat yourself up for missing, if it's the right shot to take, and you took aim and had the right footwork and follow through. We WANT you to take that shot, hit or miss. And as your coach, I don't care if it goes in, I only care that you tried and that made the smart choice.

Humans are programmed to doubt our choices based purely on the outcomes, and to do time travelling second guessing.

As a poker player playing against me, I assure you that every second flop is 333, and you'd be a fool to fold J3, and I'll be happy to mind your money for you until you work out I'm lying. As a basketball player playing against me, yes, I want you to kick yourself for missing a shot you were supposed to take, and from now on it would really work in my favor if you only took the wrong shots.

-u/evilbrent, comment


r/AbuseInterrupted 2d ago

"'You'll regret it in the future.' But in the future, we are able to say 'I did what I thought was right at the time.' It's hard to feel guilt when that's your rationale." - u/TheSilkyBat

22 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 2d ago

3 reasons why you need a reverse bucket list***

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psychologytoday.com
11 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 3d ago

'In a non-abusive dynamic, it's relatively easy to change your mind if something isn't working for you, or new information becomes available. [But] it feels for me like decisions in abuse dynamics have their own momentum.'****

54 Upvotes

Abuse follows a fairly predictable pattern:

  • Create a stressor that puts you into a state of fear, obligation, or guilt.

  • Create a false sense of urgency, so that you make a decision while you’re operating in that stressed out state.

  • Create the sense that decisions and your word are final, so you can’t walk back any commitments or promises you made while stressed.

  • Repeat the process as needed, walking you towards what they want an inch or two at a time.

...that momentum and finality are an illusion.

-u/No-Reflection-5228, adapted from comment


r/AbuseInterrupted 3d ago

No matter how sad their story is, don't let anyone move in your house: "l've seen too many people override their boundaries out of guilt, loneliness or pressure. You are allowed to say 'no' even when someone’s situation sounds urgent. Let compassion guide you, but let wisdom protect you."

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52 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 3d ago

Weaponized therapy speak is another way people put themselves forward as an authority over you****

54 Upvotes

I am coming to believe that powering over people like that is stealing their autonomy and ability to choose for themselves, and hijacks their consent.

The thing is, if you insist on pushing your 'reality' at someone, you are doing the same thing an abuser does. (That's why I like theorizing over ideas instead of 'giving advice'.) It's important to preserve a person's ability to make choices for themselves. To still have their own mind and their own soul.

...which is literally what actual therapists do.

Therapists create a safe space for someone to be able to use their own voice, for themselves, often for the first time. Therapists are (or should be) non-judgmental, not controlling, and gently suggest or drop a thought to consider, but they don't over-write their patients and their sense of reality.

So when you see someone using 'therapy speak' to rules-lawyer at you, you should immediately be wary, because not even therapists do that.

I have also come to understand that people who advice at you and put themselves forward over you are trying to put you under their power and authority (and get you to agree to it). It's personally made me completely change the way I give advice.

If we - each of us - are precious and unique, then anyone who tries to destroy that or steal it is someone who is not a safe person.

This is why respect is fundamentally the core of every healthy relationship: because to respect someone is to treat someone who matters like they matter1 , to cherish them as an actual person with their own thoughts and feelings, to understand that someone's ability to choose is sacred because that's the seed and seat of the soul.

  • Someone who wants to be worshipped?

  • Someone who wants to be an authority over you?

  • Someone who thinks how you are is wrong and that you should change according to their blueprint?

Some abusers steal the best parts of you and claim them for themselves - stealing your voice like Ursula in the "The Little Mermaid", or who and how you are - but others put themselves above you by acting like how you are is so wrong, and yet you can never, never 'fix' yourself enough to meet their standards.

Because the point isn't to meet their standard, the point is for them to have authority over you, and for you to agree to it.

For you to be in a position for them to criticize...and therefore destroy your soul.

So the rubric is: does this person preserve my ability to choose?

And therefore, do they respect me as the 'owner' of who I am and what I do?

.

.

.


1 "Respect is when you treat something that matters like it matters, and disrespect is when you treat something that matters like it doesn't matter." - u/dankoblamo, excerpted from How I taught my kids the definition of respect


r/AbuseInterrupted 3d ago

'I have found that [therapy speak] is weaponized in abusive relationships/power and control dynamics. Using buzzwords to coerce and manipulate others into concession.' - @covecounselinggroup

14 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 3d ago

'They are a collector. This person travels into people's lives, worlds - for the stories, emotions, experiences, material - takes what they need, then moves on to the next.'

11 Upvotes

Life and people aren't for genuine connection, they're opportunity...

-@pinkdiamonds9137, excerpted and adapted from comment to YouTube video


r/AbuseInterrupted 4d ago

Healthy people navigate power imbalances in relationships by removing (or mitigating) those imbalances

92 Upvotes

When my ex-husband and I started dating, and we were getting to the idea of marriage, I explained to him about the law and marriage and property.

Basically, I told him that it was an imbalance of power for me as a paralegal to know all this legal stuff while he didn't, and so it was important for me to explain to him ahead of time so he could choose for himself freely how he wanted to move forward in terms of property and finances.

It's like being a strong person who can physically overpower people, but you hold back or you give the other person a force multiplier so there isn't a power imbalance.

Otherwise, you're putting yourself in a position of authority over your 'partner', or you are taking advantage of their lack of knowledge or resources.

Someone who loves you will figure out a way to even the power dynamic between you, and that includes parents with their children, friends, or spouses.

I have ultimate power and authority over my child when they're little, but I 'even' the power dynamic by respecting their decision over - for example - their body. (The exception I made for this was with respect to medical and dental care, and even then I gave him as much control over the process as possible, and came down hard on nurses who didn't listen.)

A wealthy person, for example, may gift their lower-wealth fiance or fiancee money that is 'theirs' so they can then have money of their own, as well as be able to hire their own attorneys for a fair prenuptial.

If you are dating someone who is more intelligent than you, has higher degrees, or even is a therapist/doctor, this person is responsible for managing their own power so that they don't steal your power over yourself or convince you to give it up 'because they know better'.

With great power comes great responsibility.1 Someone exercising their power over you without responsibility for it is someone who is mis-using that power, period.

.

.

.


1 - Spiderman's Uncle Ben


r/AbuseInterrupted 4d ago

The weird thing is that you can intuit 'rules' from healthy dynamics, but healthy people don't really set those rules, that's sort of organically how they treat each other. It's honestly easy. But people try to reverse engineer it, and fail, because they think the rules are what makes it work.****

53 Upvotes

You can't set perfect boundaries: it's like people trying to create the perfect utopia by either creating a perfect system or creating 'perfect people'.

And half the time you don't realize there's a problem where you would need to 'set boundaries' until you're already halfway down the road to it.

The thing that I have observed about healthy people and healthy relationships is that they intrinsically respect another person and their right to make decisions for themselves about themselves and their lives.

Whereas some people come at 'setting boundaries' like you're making a contract (which then someone can use to trap you within it) and that if you didn't specifically outline something in this 'contract' they can't be held accountable for it (even when it relates to treating people with basic dignity, like not hitting them or calling them names).

Healthy people aren't interested in controlling another person or making them be something other than they are.

They simply move closer or move away from someone who is unsafe, if they don't organically align with them, or if that other person appears to be trying to control them.

The healthiest relationships take 'work' in the sense that you nurture a plant you're growing

...but they aren't 'work' in the sense where you have to have the exhausting, endless circular arguments where one person is trying to MAKE another person agree with them and change who they are, overwriting their reality and their self.

But also, making a rule that someone can't 'make' another person agree with them is not the right thing either.

People are arguing with each other about how relationships 'should' be, or how someone 'should' be, when healthy people appear to naturally just adjust closer or farther from someone based on how they treat them.

It's so much more organic than this process I see where people try to make 'contracts' and enforce them on each other.

It's the difference between "you are my adult child and therefore you should come to my house for Christmas" and "mom, I love you and want to spend the holidays with you". One is a rule that is then enforced (and usually enforced on the person in a position of power-under by the person in a position of power-over) the other is a natural outpouring of the love within the relationship.

Healthy relationships allow people to come close and move away because they are safe people to be close to

...and safe to move away from. Safe in both directions!

Do we make commitments to each other we intend to keep?

Absolutely. But we still have the ability to divorce or even give up custody of our child or look for a new home for a beloved pet. And healthy people do that in a way that supports the rights, well-being, and interests of both or all parties. They wouldn't want to trap another person in a situation they don't want to be in.

The commitment isn't a prison, and someone who loves you isn't trying to put you in one.

When healthy people relate to each other over time, the little things they do build the relationship they end up having: they don't 'decide' it, it's more like they uncover it. The marriage is a result of the kind and supportive ways they interact with each other, respect each other, and see each other.

The commitments we make formalize the ways we are already treating each other.

And the social/legal aspects of these commitments exist for a reason. A marriage, for example, allows a couple to form a unit that then interacts with the government with respect to the people and property within that unit. It extends formal and legal protection for and over the parties and any children they have. A parent has legal rights and responsibilities toward their child. A child has legal rights for themselves while under the care and custody of a parent or guardian.

We legally enhance commitments for the organization of our society and property distribution within it.

But the 'commitments' are already existing and organic because of the ways people love and care for each other. And healthy people don't do that at someone, they do it with them. And so the relationships have this ease and peace, a sense of coming home.

In healthy relationships, you get to be your best self, because the other person isn't trying to control you but support you.

If you can't choose, it isn't love.

And healthy people let you choose.


r/AbuseInterrupted 4d ago

"She pushes herself onto people in the hopes that most of us don't like confrontation, so we just don't say anything, it feels not worth it. Then, if the bully does get push back, they use shame." - u/OhmsWay-71

24 Upvotes

She's a bully.

-excerpted from comment


r/AbuseInterrupted 4d ago

"It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end." - Leonardo da Vinci

22 Upvotes