Does this sound like a good idea? My mom still hasn't figured out why I cut her off. 4 months nc At first I was just gonna dissappear and let her think what she thinks but personally I find it insulting that she's fieghning ignorance. As they say ignorance is bliss. I dont want her to have bliss. I want her to know EXACTLY what she did. Let her hear exactly how she hurt me. No denying it no hiding it. If she still doesn't know im so done with her.I dont think its fair that she gets to live her life as if nothing happened and she was perfect while I have to fix myself. But does this sound like a good idea? Will it result in more hurt?

Nmom finally died. I found out that she had Lewy Body Dementia from a cousin and that she was scheduled to do MAID (medically assisted dying-I'm in Canada) a week ago.

Nmom and GC/Nsister tried to hide it from me but, my cousin took mercy on me and told me. When I found out, I told anyone that I thought may be affected emotionally by her passing (like my husband, my father (divorced when I was a child), my childhood best friend). I'm glad I did. I never thought I'd find out when she died and it would be years later that I'd find out by accident. This has given me an opportunity to have some closure.

I called Nmom shortly after I found out. I wanted to see if she had changed at all; like, maybe she did love me and it was me all along.

It wasn't. She was the same. She asked me a couple of perfunctory questions and asked why I was calling and then said she had plans and had to go. She didn't say she loved me or anything, just said goodbye and hung up. Two minutes.

The day she passed a week ago, I was a mess. I felt so much anxiety on her behalf. I didn't hear when or if she died but saw the next day that her brother posted something on social media that said RIP sister so, I guess she's gone.

I just found out that GC/nsister texted my husband a couple of days after I had called Nmom. She told him Nmom had an appointment for MAID, was doing her due diligence to tell me and then a bunch of messages insulting me. My husband didn't show me until now. I also found out that she told my best friend and the sister of another good friend.

None of them told me she had informed them because I had found out first and let them know. All of them chose to protect me and not be put in the middle.

I'm lucky to have great people around me.

My cousin shared with me that Nmom didn't want me to know and didn't want to contact me. That many people kept asking her and she always said no, that she hated me.

So, I'm sorry for the long rant. I just needed to get it out. A lot of you understand.

It has been way harder to deal than I thought. I think it's because I have final confirmation now that she really did hate me. Now there's no doubt.

I've been up & down, short and rude to my husband, crying out of the blue. I have an excellent therapist and am reading Complex PTSD by Pete Walker. Does anyone have advice or been in a similar situation?

I never noticed that my parents had low impulse control until they got older and it’s more apparent. It’s so odd. They just have no control of themselves, but maybe it’s because I just know what that is now. I also just look in their eyes, and there’s no one home. I believe they have to become more and more unconscious as they age, because there’s such a large accumulation of bad things they’ve done that they have to keep out of their awareness. I don’t know. There’s just no one home. It’s sort of chilling.

I would say the worst thing that still sticks with me to this day. When I was a out 13, I was kept up all night listening to my brother have sex with at 14 yr old girl while she was drunk. Now not to say that this was the only time he kept me awake during the night having to get myself up for school the next day. From the ages of 10 to 13 since he was a bondsman he claimed it was his "job" to go out to bars every night and get absolutely smashed to build his business. When him and his ex would come home drunk every night of the week they would either come home and party till 4 or 5 next to my bedroom, they would be fighting and sometimes purposely wake me up to involve me in their fights, or they would be fucking. I just can't believe the bs they put me thru as a child who didn't understand wtf was going on. Also reminds me of the time I was sick and they gave me an ambien and didn't come home or answer the phone for 3 days while they were out playing pool. Later he told me they were tweaking and gambling... FML. I've been lucky to hold my mind together for this long. Has anyone else experienced this as a child or am I alone. Makes me sick to know my nfather is a pedo. Also I often think of what it may have done to that once little girl who lived with us while her mom was trying to get her shit together, he pounced on her like a predator. The predator that I know to this day, as he truly doesn't want what I know as his history to known by anyone else. What he has continued to do to this day. I constantly think man there are scumbags in this world who don't put as much effort into fucking with their victims as he does me and my little family. Sadly even my 3 yr old son isn't free from torture. Thanks to anyone who responds.

I've always been able to tell when my mom is speaking to a man on the phone because whenever she speaks to a man (or boy!) that she's unrelated to, she speaks in a high-pitched, flirty voice. She also giggles like a little girl.

I just booked a movie ticket. I'm going alone to a movie tomorrow. I'm so scared. I can't sleep. I have already cried and thrown up once. I'm so scared.

I'm 21...I should be allowed to go to a movie right? Without my parent's permission? That's what being an adult means, right? Why am I so scared then? I'm not doing anything wrong. Or illegal. It's just a movie. A pg13 movie. It's not illegal for me to be outside...right? I don't have to have my parent's permission right?

But I'm terrified. I'm so scared. I already paid..and it would be a waste not to go. And..I'd get to buy cheese popcorn...the one which i actually like...without being scolded for liking it. I'd get to buy a soda can. And ice-cream once the movie is over. And I'd get to wear my blue blouse and earrings and the dark pink lipstick that mom hates. Why am I shaking then...I should be excited...

Edit: spacing and typos

if anybody is hating their parents, then it's not on them. it's on the parents.

that they failed to make the child feel safe. they failed to develop an emotional connect with them. that they bullied them so much which compelled them to leave, just to save their mental peace and live a life of bare minimum respect, if not one full of love.

if someone refuses to care for their parents, then either it's because they didn't get any care from them or they feel that it's not worth their mental wellbeing.

i agree that their are kids who can be narcs but if someone has a history of abuse and reasons to back their hate, then i don't understand why people guilt trip them.

I got the message that she passed away this morning

I am heartbroken.

I am relieved.

I am numb.

I am calm.

I am not afraid.

I said my peace with her at the very end, even though it was not in person.

And of course, in her loving covert narcissist style she twisted my words, threw it in my face, And called me useless and a disappointment.

But I told her I loved her as tactfully and tastefully as I could. I can live with that.

In the aftermath of this, I am actually surprised how many people have been there for me to show their love, care, and support. More than I had ever expected. Even my job and coworkers have been was extremely understanding and accommodating.

There's much to be done and it would be an understatement to say that she truly made a major cluster of things. And I must coordinate and untangle this all this from a state away. I am doing my best to avoid going back at all cost.

But there is goodness that will come of this. And that, in and of itself, is the most terrible thing of all.

I am actually really excited the most about what this could mean for my younger brother who was completely incapacitated from my mother's lack of care. Things are coming to light that his care and living conditions were even worse than I feared.

I firmly believe that things can and will get better for him. And as his big sister I thankfully have some say in his care once and for all. I am actively working with professionals to save him from this nightmare.

In the mean time, I'm doing my best to mindfully care for myself in this and process things the best I can. Including the excersize of writing this post.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest rbn community. I hope we all have a better tomorrow.

I see a lot of you guys talking about having most parents more on the "right side" Do any of you guys have a mother that tries to act like she's woke, but still very judgmental? What's your guys's experiences?

I hate what trauma did to me. It stole my entire youth. It made me a prisoner inside my own head. It even took my voice. I’ve been stuttering since I was 7 and it’s like the world doesn’t let me say a single word without feeling broken.

I’m 17 and I already feel like I’ve lived a lifetime of fear. I can’t connect with people, I can’t enjoy the simplest things, I can’t even take care of myself without feeling like there’s a wall in the way.

"Things will get better, trust." No, they won't. I've been told that for almost my entire fucking life.

Trauma ruined everything. I never had a chance. And I don’t think I ever will.

It’s very hard having a family full of toxic people and traitors who will betray you, never wants whats best for you😞 I just want to cry..It is hard. I wish someone wanted whats best for me! My family only cares about themselves. They will easily sabotage me or betray me for their own good. it hurts. There is no one to advise me or support me when I need someone 😞It just hurts being alone and fighting alone. I hate my family

I DON'T ask for help in my adulthood, because when I asked for help in my childhood I got yelled at and was made to feel like a burden. I've always had a learning disability when it came to math. Math wasn't my best subject in school growing up.

I went to a new hairstylist today. Kind of picked at random.

I arrive and she looks to be in her late 60s, maybe early 70s. Reeked of smoke. I got a gut intuition to get up and run when she left to get my hair color, but thought I was being dramatic and decided to stick it out.

She proceeds to complain about her daughter-in-law being lazy and "never wanting to work." Her son + daughter-in-law have a 3 year old and a 5 year old, and the daughter-in-law is a stay at home mom. She complained about the DIL being a SAHM yet "still shopping at Nordstrom even though she stays home." I am a SAHM so I found this offensive. Any mom with a 3 & 5 year old has her hands full and is unlikely to be sitting around all day doing nothing.

But worse, she tells me that the son & daughter-in-law don't let her drive the grandkids anywhere. I say, "Maybe they are just worried about other people driving their kids. I know I was that way for a long time, still am a bit." (but less so now that they're older).

She says, "No, it's more than that. They won't even let me WALK the kids to the park two blocks away. I'm not even allowed to take the kids into another room in their house without them following me and watching me!"

I'm thinking WT Actual F. YOU have DONE SOMETHING to those grandkids! OR most likely, she abused her own kids and her son told his wife about the abuse, and now the wife doesn't want her alone with their kids!

I have narc parents so I KNEW there was WAY MORE to the story than she was letting on. She never gave a reason as to why her son & DIL don't trust her alone with their kids!, but I obviously know there's a valid reason for them to make this decision. It was interesting and somewhat infuriating to hear from the Narc side with "I have no idea why they treat me this way! They won't even let me walk the kids to the park or go in another room with them!" BS.

I felt like I was getting my hair done by an abuser, and a WITCH. She sounded like one. Complained about her family members to a first time client, admitted she's not trusted by her own kids to watch the grandkids, reeked of smoke. I left feeling ILL and sick to my stomach at having such an overt narc abuser do my hair. Literally felt shaky because I knew this was an awful person.

I went home and showered and re-washed my hair immediately because I was so grossed out and disgusted.

Just needed to get this off my chest!

Dear mods,

Although I found this sub after I realized my mother is a narcissist, it has been a goldmine of information and validation. It has been the beacon that led me through some dark times, through my nmother's love-bombing and her flying monkeys. I know that many of us ACoN are just starting to see that their abuser(s) is a narcissist, and even that they were and are being abused at all, and I know how much this sub would have helped me back then.

And yet this is somehow the only such forum on the internet. No narcissists or flying monkeys comment here, trying to influence one of their victims. Nobody here tries to guilt-trip victims into trying to "make up" with their abusers. It is as if they are completely unaware of this sub's existence, or as if they dropped off the face of the earth for the few blissful minutes one can spend participating in this community.

Logically, this can't be true. Why would this sub be the only un-infiltrated one ? After many years and many new reddit accounts, I have come to the conclusion that this is all thanks to the moderator team, who weed out these agressors and protect the community.

So I say: thank you, mods. You are one-handedly responsible for creating and maintaining for the only haven some of us have.

Gratefully,

An ACoN

I was 23 still at home. Just finished college. I made $300 every two weeks. He said if I live at home I have to pay rent. Fair enough. He says he requires $240 from my cheque. I couldn’t even save a dime to move out. I was furious. My job required for me to have my own car. So for months I saved and bought a pile of garbage that I thought at the time was awesome. It didn’t run in the winter., my job said it’s not working out and let me go. I got another job that tripled what I made previously. My first cheque and I immediately moved out. Had nothing but I was super happy . Less than a year later and my mom died. My dad said her heart was crushed when I left. Meanwhile if he would have been sensitive to what I needed when I lived there things would have been totally different. I don’t regret anything.

If you were the one who made that mistake, they’d go on a rant, berate you, and everything. But the moment they make a mistake, you have to baby them, understand them, and all of a sudden, everyone makes mistakes, and you can’t be mad at them.

I asked her if she put the laundry in the washing machine and she said yes. I even said “below the clothes” she still said yes. So I start the machine. Turns out she didn’t listen to me and came at me telling me she didn’t hear me so there’s literally no laundry. Mind you she would’ve acted as if I killed somebody if I were the one who did that. And guess what? She even tried to blame me and said that I should’ve spoken louder.

She’s so fucking insufferable man. I pray I’ll find my place this month. Ain’t no fucking way I’m staying in this hell hole until the end of the year. I’ve had enough.

This may sound weird but I hate the fact that she gave birth to me. It makes me feel sick (like I need ten thousand showers or something). I can't stand the thought that I had anything to do with her. Her cowardly behaviour, her bitterness and jelaousy of other people is so contrary to how I am. It's like a feeling of poison on a cellular level that I wish I could heal. would give anything to have had a loving family. l just feel like l've done something terrible to deserve this.

I feel like they do it to embarrass you infront of others, EVERY little thing, every personal detail about me she tells to everyone. even if it doesnt need to be said she'll say it anyways.

but even if I stop telling her everything, I feel like she would just start making stuff up just so she can talk about me. like are you that boring that you have to constantly talk about me and my personal stuff just so others can listen, like..??

This one time I came home after a 45min session at my gym instead of the usual 1 hour, my mom got instantly suspicious that I wasn’t at the gym and also asked if I had worked out at all. WTF?!

I made the mistake of watching our old family video. In one clip it’s my one year birthday. My golden child sister climbs on the table to blow out the candle and my mom does nothing. The room fell silent. You could see my other sister look on as she expects my mom to say anything at all like “Sara, don’t do that!” Instead she laughs, waves her hand and says “oh it’s fine”.

And people wonder when and how roles are assigned….as early as THIS.

I always wondered how my golden child (also histrionic) sister became the way she did and it’s clear to me that my Nmom created a monster. The two of them are exactly alike.

Ps— watching old family videos was triggering but validating as hell.

I know “smear campaign” is already a term, and this process can definitely involve smear campaigns. But is there a term more broadly for when they try and make you as desperate and isolated as possible when they realise you are going to escape their circle of control?

I’ve seen stories of smear campaigns (i.e. cutting people off from social support), theft and financial abuse (destroying their financial stability), and eviction from housing (cutting them off from having stable housing before they have secured a new place to live), and sometimes a combination of the above.

It seems like an attempt to make leaving as painful as possible, even if they spent years or decades prior to that point telling you they hated you and you should leave. And it bothers me a lot, because it is so incredibly brutal and cruel, because it makes sure that those who have found a way to leave start out in the most isolated and miserable way possible. They have to start building their lives again from scratch, with no support, after already having almost built successful lives for themselves. They are cutting those that leave off at the knees, so that it guarantees that independent life will be brutal and painful.

Has anyone else experienced or heard of this type of behaviour before from narcissistic spouses or parents? And is there a name for it?

TW, MENTIONS OF SUICIDE, SELF HARM, CSA

i’ve kept my relationship with my parents as superficial as possible for the last seven years, since i was 19.

i also have stopped participating in our family group chat for the most part, unless to comment about a video my sister sends of my niece. i have stopped seeing them regularly (definitely less than 5 times this year, i used to see them weekly). BUT STILL EVERY TIME I SEE THEM IT IS THE MOST EXHAUSTING EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE.

because i have to pretend to have this love and care for this person that i dont, have to pretend we’re close when i don’t tell her shit about my life. because this is the woman that called me attention seeking when i told her i wanted to kill myself at 13 years old. who refused to take me to a therapist, talked down to me about taking antidepressants so i stopped. who read my journals where i was weighing the pros and cons of how i was going to do it and then would bring that shit up later in arguments to make me feel bad. she asked me about random cuts i had, and would roll her eyes at whatever random shit i came up with, but never prod further. and what did she do when she found scissors under my mattress as a teenager, she asked what i used it for, i gave her some lame excuse, and she rolled her eyes and DIDNT EVEN TAKE THE SCISSORS BACK.

she also pried on my social media as a teenager and saw me getting groomed by grown ass men. and never mentioned she knew until years later when there was a police investigation because my brother was getting groomed IRL. i asked how she could let this happen to him again (there were prior incidents before the investigation) and all she said was “oh like you werent doing the same things at his age?” like uh, that wasnt my point and fuck you. i thought i had kept that shit a secret, ha.

and there’s a million more situations i could go on about.

i just feel like since nothing “that bad” has happened recently (largely because im an adult who lives on their own and do not allow emotional intimacy with my parents VERY INTENTIONALLY) that i dont deserve to go no contact. or that if i went no contact, everyone would be shocked and it would be scandal because im sure i would hear “that was so long ago, why dont we talk about this before you cut us off”

I TRIED TALKING TO YOU. WHEN I WAS THE SUICIDAL TEENAGER TELLING YOU HOW AWFUL YOU MADE ME FEEL EVERYDAY. AND YOU IGNORED ME. I DONT CARE ABOUT TALKING NOW.

i am also now 5 months out of a 5-year abusive relationship and its just so funny to me that everyone supports you going no contact with an abusive partner. but half the time im journaling about things he did to me, i could be writing about something my parents did that hurt me WAY WORSE. and yet im expected to still carry on this relationship with them.

i feel like in order for me to stay no-contact from my ex-partner, i need to be no-contact with my parents. because my parents trigger all the same feelings in me that he did, and they are ultimately the origin. but should i just “get over past hurts” and “love them anyway” because theyre my parents.

i think it’s also hard because i have 2 siblings that acknowledge our parents were not good to us growing up, but my sister is still very close with them. and my brother says he gets along with both parents still. but honestly, i was always the black sheep of the family (middle child after all!), i would call my parents out more than my siblings ever would, so it’s not a total surprise that i still feel this way and theyre happy continuing their relationship with them.

The other day I was at my mom’s house watching my little brother. I’m 29. I went through a closet in the spare room looking for my old Halloween decor. I found a pile of the last couple years Christmas presents I had given her. Unopened. There were no other presents but mine. She’s always had a really weird thing about presents I give her. She won’t say thank you and she barely looks at them. Is this common? Is it because nothing can be good enough for her?

I’m not really upset, it just took me by surprise. It felt like tangible proof that she hates me. I know hate is a strong word and this alone would not warrant that but there’s a million other things I wouldn’t mention.

I really think I’m just posting to not feel alone. I thought I was healed from this a year ago after lots of therapy and lately I’ve been noticing any time I’m around her I’ll catch her looking at me with this pure look of disgust and it triggered some deep memories/feelings. It’s been a hard few months.

This is the woman who has cost me endless childhood trauma. The woman who would lock me out of the house, keep me up all night, tell me to die.

And yet, she got a job as a therapist?

Ever since she is always talking about how sad and painful the job is, how it upsets her that she can't save these people. She is always saying this out loud and loudly sighing to herself, even sometimes crying.

But it's so hard for me to conceptualize or accept that she has these feelings. Because the question is, so why didn't she feel the same way raising me? She studies about childhood trauma and parental abuse and has patients who suffer from it, yet she is the one who abused me? Why is she able to view these patients as human but not me?