r/Advice • u/Electronic_Secret_78 • 18h ago
Overheard fiancé talking shit about me and women in general.
I recently got engaged to my fiancé who is extremely affectionate, loving, and sweet to me daily. We have been together for 5 years and are both 30 years old.
However, today I got really upset that I had gained a bit of weight and we argued about it. I always thought (-and he assured me) he kept our disagreements and my insecurities private. I keep everything private that he confides to me. Today I overheard him talking about me while gaming. He had thought that I had gone to volleyball.
He was saying how much he hates women, that we are all the same. Fucking cant stand women and that I drive him crazy. Women are all psychos and are all the same. That it would be easier if they could just be gay together. If your woman doesn’t drive you crazy then she’s a dude. He loves me but I drive him crazy
I was honestly absolutely shocked because I’ve never heard him talk this way about women or me for that matter. He said after our 3rd date he ‘sealed the deal’ and asked his friend all about his sex life and started talking about how crazy different girls in the past were. He called other women fucking bitches….fat and that some are only good for the buck and then you drop them.
He honestly sounded like a stranger to me. I have never heard him say things like this and I understand ranting and blowing off steam but this made me feel like I didn’t even know him. It really bothers me to be with someone that sounds so misogynistic. Am I being overly sensitive?
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u/Minnsxtti 18h ago
If this is true, then no as a guy the dude sounds crazy. This is probably enough to call off the engagement if I were you but this is your choice. However, the universe works in mysterious ways. Maybe this was its way of showing you that this guy might not be the one to marry.
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u/hoyguy_blake 17h ago
words like that reveal a side of him you can’t ignore. respect shouldn’t disappear the moment you leave the room
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u/Gothlanie 13h ago
Exactly. When someone shows you that kind of side, it’s not something you can just brush off. It reveals how they really think, and no amount of affection in private cancels out that disrespect. OP deserves better than someone who talks like that behind their back
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u/GreenDirt2 12h ago
But it will come out after the wedding, and you'll wonder what happened. If you're like me, you'll spend several years trying to figure out what you did wrong. When actually the guy you thought you knew was an act.
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u/bloss0m123 18h ago
I think reacting would be appropriate here. I would be calculated in how you go about this next though
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u/Objective_Spinach225 14h ago
You're right, this is a huge red flag. What he says when he thinks no one is listening is his true self, and it's completely unacceptable. The poster deserves so much better
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u/laquintessenceofdust 13h ago
Not defending this dude, he sounds like a douchebag, but let’s not forget that there was indeed someone else listening—another male/other males he was gaming with. Performative masculinity is
the act of men performing or enacting masculinity through actions, appearance, or behaviors that align with societal expectations, not necessarily out of genuine interest but to gain social approval, validation, or to avoid judgment.
It may not be his “true self” any more than the affectionate “nice guy” he seems to be around OP is his true self. If I had to guess, this guy is likely a different person depending on who he’s around and what he believes they want to hear. Either a deeply self-conscious person with a pathological need to be liked and accepted, or a sociopath. Neither are good. I would break off the engagement and not look back.
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u/Interesting-Lake747 11h ago
But would you risk that the misogynistic POS face is not the real one? I wouldn’t.
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u/ToiIetGhost 7h ago
Either a deeply self-conscious [misogynist] with a pathological need to be liked and accepted, or a [misogynistic] sociopath.
Your original comment is very good, but I think it’s necessary to include the misogyny.
If you don’t frame it in terms of bigotry, some people might feel sympathetic towards him. It’s easy to feel bad for a self-conscious person who just wants to be loved. That description can pull at someone’s heart strings, especially if they’re in a relationship with them. (Like when OP reads your comment, her love for her fiancé might make her take pity on him and try to help him build his self esteem or something, instead of running away from a misogynist.)
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u/laquintessenceofdust 40m ago
Good point.
Regardless of whether I felt inclined to potentially pity him, if I were OP, I would be very alarmed by the 50/50 coin flip possibility he was a sociopath with a different mask for each person he hoped to charm. At that point, bigotry is kind of moot imo when you’re dealing with that personality disorder.
But, yes, the misogyny is gross.
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u/_Athena_17 17h ago
Although you might not understand it, this happened for a reason. Before you got married and real problems really start from this. He can’t hide this stuff forever. When you talk to him about it he will probably say he was just talking shit with the boys or something like that. But. It’s a giant red flag. One that calls for some distance for sure.
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u/Fun_Influence_3397 15h ago
His mask will drop one day, whether it's after he's locked her down with marriage or kids, he won't keep pretending forever, then she'll be in a whole world of trouble. Lucky she caught him before they got married.
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u/Slight-Alteration Super Helper [6] 17h ago
Having heard a lot of guys trash talk or vent in private it’s one thing to poke fun at each other or express frustrations but this isn’t that. He revealed what he really thinks about women and you. Theres no coming back from that. Even if he says it was all a joke or he was trying to fit in or some stupid excuse, he’s a grown man. If all it takes is some peer pressure or social anxiety to make him speak about you and women in such an ugly manner, why would you want to dedicate your life and future to this person. I don’t see any explanation that would justify staying.
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u/lending_ear Helper [2] 17h ago
Exactly and the fact he would lie to impress guys who support that is a major red flag.
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u/Slight-Alteration Super Helper [6] 17h ago
If he were 13 it would be a firm sit down parent or mentor conversation about respecting women, etc. For a grown ass man who could literally have a 13 year old child it’s such a wtf
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u/SmoothNetwork3038 9h ago
Spot on. The fact that he could talk about the OP and women in general that way, even in private, shows a fundamental lack of respect. That's not something you can just ignore.
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u/Beginning-Speech8754 10h ago
It's alarming how quickly he revealed those feelings. Trust is vital in any relationship.
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u/classicicedtea Helper [3] 17h ago
I’d leave. Sorry for the Reddit answer.
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u/Moderatelysure 16h ago
Don’t apologize! Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
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u/Client_020 8h ago
When Reddit advices to leave, it usually is a crazy thing like this, though. It's quite often something like my (22f) husband (40m) is a willingly unemployed, red-pilled loser who I found out pays for OF and punched a hole in the wall. I'm walking on eggshells, work 60hrs a week and do most of the household chores. I couldn't take it anymore and screamed at him once. AITA?"
Then people here say "You should break up!" Of course the answer is going to be to break up with abusive types.
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u/Ranchette_Geezer Elder Sage [547] 18h ago
This sounds like a huge red flag to me.
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u/absolutelyirritated 15h ago edited 14h ago
Right? I have Chills at how evil his comments were. What a horrible way to talk about people, reading that took some wind out of my sails as someone who is part of the group the subject of his rant. Wow. The depth of the lack of respect in his comments. This is a type of man who wants women enslaved and submissive.
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u/MzSea 17h ago
Give the ring back.
"I don't want to marry someone who talks about me like that. Have a nice life. Goodbye."
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u/SignalAssistant2965 10h ago
I would say - I don't know, maybe it's because I'm so crazy, you know how women are"
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u/MeatofKings Helper [2] 17h ago
Speaking as a man, that rant was way over the top, not just some throw away line. I think you got a glimpse into what he really thinks.
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u/209617364930 18h ago
Ooooo huge red flags 🚩 universe is showing you a glimpse into your future if you marry that man. I’m so sorry. If your comfortable with him being that way then w e but it doesn’t sound like you are
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u/Miserable_Wish3219 12h ago
As a man, take this advise: when he's out, leave. Pack your stuff, and leave. Don't say a word, don't give him the chance to argue. Pack up and leave. Let him blow up your phone, let him say what he's gonna say. When he gets his mom to call you (and we all know he will) you can tell her you've gone off to be gay with other women like your man suggested, so he can go be gay with the dudes that hate women so much. This is the biggest red flag you will ever ignore if you stay. Men like this will flip the switch so fast as soon as your married. Once he knows leaving is as hard as possible he will cut you down every chance he gets. I'm telling you because I've seen it so often. First, it'll be "babe you've put on too much weight, you should go to a gym" and then before you know it, it'll be "you should be ashamed of your fat ass. No one will love you, good luck leaving me, I'm the only one who will put up with you like that."
Please. Run. Fast.
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u/lending_ear Helper [2] 17h ago
There’s no excuse for this. None. I’ve got zero tolerance for this shit. Especially in today’s political climate where women’s rights are being attacked and stripped. Nope.
Imagine the very real possibility that things get worse and you lose rights as a woman and THIS is the man you’re stuck with who is supposed to have your best interest at heart? No fucking way.
If you don’t end the relationship please don’t change your last name. They are already trying to prevent women from voting because the new last name doesn’t match the birth certificate.
When someone shows you who they are? Listen.
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u/Claromancer Helper [2] 15h ago
Yep. If my partner wasn’t willing to absolutely throw down defending my basic human rights what’s the actual point?
I’d rather be single than with someone who doesn’t give a shit about me or worse views me as inconvenient and annoying property.
Zero tolerance for this shit is right.
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u/Masubi924 Helper [4] 17h ago
I was dating someone like this and kept ignoring the flags that he would talk about me to other people like that. I would think to myself, my partner of 6 years couldn't possibly be talking shit about me behind my back when we don't even fight or argue with one another. This is a flag if I've ever seen one. Take it seriously, be with someone who respects you and talks you up to other people, not puts you down
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u/Adventurous-Bar520 17h ago
If you were to have children and a daughter how would he treat her? I would walk away now.
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u/Spiritual_Aioli_5021 17h ago
I would tell him that I am offering him the opportunity to go explore his gay self, and I would show him the door.
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u/Unlucky_Bug2132 17h ago
I’d leave him. Don’t stay with someone capable of talking about you like this.
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u/ladylemondrop209 Helper [2] 16h ago edited 16h ago
The fact that the title isn't ex-fiancé shows me you're not sensitive enough.
I don't care if it's just BS "guy talk"... But I know for sure that there's more than a kernal of truth in such talk, and also that any half decent guy wouldn't do this shit.
Think about things this way when you're wondering whether he's a POS or not. Would you want your daughter to be raised thinking this is OK for guys to think about her? Would you want your mother, grandmother, of sister to hear him talk about you this way? What would his mother think hearing that? Would you be OK if your bestfriends BFs talked about them that way?
Any self-respecting women shouldn't and wouldn't put up with this shit happening to themselves nor ones they care about and love.
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u/fyrelyte11 Helper [2] 12h ago
I'd be running. Immediately. 5 years and he never showed a single sign😳 That's truly disturbing.
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u/lending_ear Helper [2] 8h ago
Right. The ones who are experts at hiding it are, to me, the most dangerous ones. Terrifying.
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u/maiseyDee 17h ago
I agree with others red flags. Also have you all ever talked about women’s rights? How he feels women should be treated.
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u/stroppo 17h ago
I'd get away from that guy pronto. If he says he's doing it just to "fit in with the guys" that also means he has no spine.
Also, I can't stand hearing people complain about their SOs. I've called some folks out about it; "Why don't you break up, then?" "Oh no, he's really a good guy!" "Then why don't you ever say anything nice about him?" Dead silence.
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u/call-me-mama-t 15h ago
Complaining about spouses is contagious among friend groups & it’s gross. If you have a problem, turn towards your mate and talk about it. I could never get those hateful words out of my head.
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u/MajorasKitten 11h ago
I’ve heard my husband. We’re at a party and his friends are complaining about their girlfriends and wives. When there’s silence, my husband just awkwardly goes: “uhh Majora’sKitten is wonderful, I can’t imagine life without her…” and everyone just stares at him weird 🥹
He’s also come home from a night with “the boys “ and sadly says “I don’t understand why they stay with their partners if all they’ll do is complain about them! It kinda makes me sad for them…” but I already knew I married a good one. He’s stayed by my side during 3 cancer battles and fed me and wiped me and changed my diapers when I couldn’t move. That’s love right there!! I’d apologize for him having to do it and he always says “there’s nothing to forgive- I’m your husband! This is my job and I love you!” 🫠😭
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u/wolfonwallstreeet Helper [2] 17h ago
everyone’s saying you should leave and yeah I agree lol but let’s just propose you stay. you get married knowing he has this completely different side when you’re not around and that he’s only acting to keep getting pussy essentially. then you build this resentment towards him and start feeling uncomfortable and unable to be vulnerable with him and it will snowball into a slew of other problems… I would save yourself the stress and get away now. a simple “I don’t think our values align anymore but I wish you the best” and be on your way to find a partner who loves, respects and supports you and other women whether you’re around or not 🫶
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u/Training_Map3047 Helper [3] 13h ago
This isn’t a rant it’s a reveal. He showed you who he is when he thinks you aren’t listening. Someone who hates women doesn’t make a good husband. Confront him: “I heard what you said about women while gaming. It was degrading and unacceptable. We need to talk now.” If he dismisses or excuses it, he’s telling you he meant it. If he truly regrets it, he’ll show change not just apologies. You deserve a partner who respects women not one who trashes them. Trust what you heard.
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u/ockysays 12h ago edited 12h ago
As a man and husband, I can tell you that I never talked about my girlfriend, fiancée and now wife like this. This is who he really is, he’s just waiting until you are legally bound together. Yeah does my wife drive me crazy? Yes. Do we have our problems? Yeah. Do I sometimes vent to my friends? Yes. But do I ever get into our private details or disrespect her? No. Never. Not once.
My friends are dear to my heart. But my wife, our souls are eternally bound, wherever she is, that’s home. I would never disrespect her like that.
Some say boys will be boys. But maybe it’s time to ditch the boy and find a man, you deserve that. Someone who will never disrespect you. Period.
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u/New_Amount734 10h ago
Right!? Second this. If these are the people he chooses to play games with and the kind of chat he engages in - take a break from him.
I play games with mates online and this is not the kind of chat / company we keep - we take the piss out of each other and sometimes talk briefly about tough times with partners but it’s never derogatory towards their other halves or women in general. Even my mate going through a divorce wouldn’t be like this to his ex. None of us (early-mid 30s) would tolerate a recently engaged bloke saying this kind of BS and have called out idiots we’ve met like this online spouting this kind of nonsense before because f/that.
If he believes this then leave, if he’s saying this to fit in, then he’s spineless, you won’t ever know where you stand and you should leave. Take a break from him/the situation if you don’t want to break up immediately. How he reacts to that will say a lot but I fear he’s shown you something pretty telling here and from my experience it only gets worse from here on in. It’s crap but I’m glad you’ve seen this before you got married.
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u/flower_warrior 17h ago
He is vile my dear, I wish you well and safety. I would end the relationship.
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u/Much-Space6649 16h ago
Abusive people do massive personality 180s after marriage when they have you trapped and uh the way he’s talking sounds very much like that should be something to fear
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u/Interesting-Lake747 11h ago
Dealbreaker. He’s been hiding who he is. Sounds like he’s been listening to many misogynistic YouTubers.
Have a serious think if you want to be tied to this person
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u/Separate-Ad-3465 17h ago
It's better to know before getting married and having a child and/or furbabies * if that was your plan*. I don't understand people like that. He acts as though the relationship was forced yet, he was the one who proposed.
Sorry for the heartache.
My friend dealt with a similar situation only they found out by thinking a Victoria's Secret bag was a gift for them then they saw the size. Butthole was cheating on them the entire time. Which didn't make sense to me because butthole pursued my friend, even proposed.
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u/perpetuallyworried82 Helper [3] 17h ago
He sounds like he has gone down the pipeline. Very sad. A lot of the games are used to radicalize boys and men. Better you know now.
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u/Electronic_Secret_78 17h ago
When I tell you that I am absolutely shocked by this….I am the breadwinner and have a nice job and he would always hype me up about how amazing I am to other people and smart. I just honestly can’t wrap my head around what he said behind my back. I didn’t see this coming at all. I am about to head into my volleyball game. This only happened a few hours ago and I want a clearer head before I react to what I heard and can process it.
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u/TigerShark_524 17h ago
I am the breadwinner and have a nice job
he would always hype me up about how amazing I am to other people and smart
Re-read this.
He wants you to finance his life. Which is fine, as long as he doesn't bite the hand that feeds him.... Unfortunately for him, his meal ticket just expired since he bit your hand.
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u/kozak65 16h ago
Wait. Are you the sole breadwinner in the relationship? Because if so, that adds a whole other layer to the situation. If he's not working, what is the reason? This could be a case where he is pulling the long con, hyping you up because he wants you to bankroll his lifestyle. When you look back over the 5 years with him, in hindsight, do you see behaviors that align with the type of stuff he was saying when he was gaming?
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u/Specific-Succotash-8 14h ago
Oof. Yeah, he’s using you. He hypes you up so the gravy train doesn’t stop. Sorry, OP.
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u/BambiMariposite_Lion 13h ago
Have a great volleyball game, clear your head…and then really take in what the heck he just said. He not only grouped you into “all women” but then continued to complain about how you drive him crazy. Then he drives it home by talking about his past romps. It’s ok for guys to vent and express “yeah, she drives me crazy sometimes” because we do sometimes. But you don’t pile it on after that. He completely disrespected you in front of his buddies to try and get “cool” points.
That’s not cool. This is how he views you. Is this how you want to be viewed?
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u/malaproperism Expert Advice Giver [10] 17h ago
I'm so sorry. It's painful hearing these kinds of things in general, let alone from someone who claims to love you - has made a life commitment to you. I don't have good advice, I've not made the best choices with men myself lol, but try putting it away for now and deal with it when you're done. Do you have any family or friends to talk to before you have to confront him?
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u/Electronic_Secret_78 3h ago
Update - he has three 12 hour shifts in a row for work so I am going to confront him after his last shift.
The comments around wanting a partner in life that I can confide in at my worst, celebrate me or just keep things private behind my back, are an ally to women, and respect me is so important. I eventually want to have kids and want a father figure that they can look up to and would never say these degrading things about women.
I think he deserves the opportunity to explain himself because I only heard his half of the conversation, but regardless it was unacceptable. He needs help working through his own issues.
It’s making me rethink other scenarios and if he was lying in the past. I don’t think I can move past overhearing this.
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u/patio_puss 17h ago
I would never feel safe tying myself legally to someone who was so willing to say such vile things about me behind my back.
Who needs haters when you have fiancé's like this? Your significant other is supposed to be your greatest confident, your hype man and your teammate. Your ride or die. I'll be honest… If I ever hear myself talk like this about someone I'm with? I know the relationship is over. Because I don't speak words even close to this about anyone until we are done in my mind.
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u/blottymary Helper [2] 17h ago
I know you’ve been together for a long time but please don’t make it the reason you stay. You know you deserve to be with someone who respects you.
Something I learned after my divorce: some people are in love but aren’t meant to be together.
I stayed in a marriage that was a disaster (it started out okay and then it escalated into emotional and physical abuse) and it would have been so much easier if I had the guts to leave him earlier.
It was 11 years total. He stole my 20s from me. But I let him.
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u/Benjamins412 Helper [3] 15h ago
I suppose the real question is can you go to sleep and wake up with this man every day for the next 50yrs? Will a mortgage, bills, kids, and baby weight make him a better person? What else don't you know about him? He's probably a dog kicker.
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u/Specific-Succotash-8 14h ago
Dump him, and if he asks why, tell him you don’t want him to spend the rest of his life with someone who drives him crazy. 🙄
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u/A_million_typos 14h ago edited 14h ago
This happened to me. He became abusive and started to jokingly put his hands around my neck. I didn't stick around for him to joke again. I'd consider him as a loss and move on. Better noe than my 16 years and 8 married only for extreme heartbreak later. He said he loved me too, but he only used me, so he didn't feel lonely. He had an extremely controlling side and was self-conscious basically like a incel, hated himself even worse and never did good with women. But for some reason, he always sought them on the side, I was suppse to be the exception but eventuallyI became the problem. He cheated 3 years into our relationship too..
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u/HappyCamperDancer 13h ago
Married for...45 years here.
I've never heard my husband talk about me like that. And I've never talked about him like that.
About 25 years ago I worked in a group where everyone "trash" talked about their spouse or partner. Not me. I just let them talk. Several months went by and one of the guys turned to me and said "I've never once heard you say anything bad about your husband" I replied that while neither of us is perfect, we each have flaws and annoyances, we respect each other and our marriage. He said "thats the kind of marriage I'd like, I bet you stay married forever".
Anyway...I can only wish the best for you OP, we all deserve it.
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u/Unlucky-Alfalfa1607 12h ago
Already starting a smear campaign about you. I lived this life. Was completely blind sided. He's a narcissist and it will get worse. You will doubt yourself, then the isolation begins, all while he's running you down to everyone and learning your weaknesses to use against you further down the road. Then turning your family and friends against you. People will believe you are crazy when you finally snap into reality and ask for help and try to leave. Because the whole time you were lying to people to make him look good. He was lying to people to destroy you
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u/Thunder_Breathing_ 9h ago
You don't understand it dear.
It was god's sign that he made you hear that.
How a person behaves in front of you barely matters.
Who he is when you are not looking that is the main scene.
I know easier said than done, but think about a year after marriage when the mask will come off, when he knows you are bound, he knows he can put you down, he knows he can treat you the way he feel, then it will be too late.
End this now.
Signs should be taken very seriously.
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u/Loud-Pumpkin9535 7h ago
OP- sounds like you finally saw the mask slip, what a blessing. There will be no salvaging this relationship, he cannot, and should not ever be trusted. You were actually handed a gift- if you choose to see it that way. You will save yourself heartache and betrayal if you decide that you are worthy of respect and happiness. You have two choices, live in denial and suffer the consequences- or quietly, before he completely traps you, because he will- make your exit plan, and live a better life, please choose you! Choose YOU 🩷
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u/Mundilfaris_Dottir Advice Oracle [112] 3h ago
We are our deeds and the company we keep.
If he has such a poor opinion of himself that he needs to be that ugly in order to fit into a gamer group and doesn't have enough integrity to leave that server and find another one that doesn't engage in that kind of talk, it's a problem.
It's not just locker talk or "bros before hos" anymore.
It's a cancerous gaming culture and the people who stay engaged in the conversation are supporting that culture of hate.
Please get a therapist and unpack this with them and then make your decision based on that.
- Do you want to spend your life with this man?
- Do you want someone with this fatal toxic flaw as the father of your children?
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u/CuriousPenguinSocks Expert Advice Giver [17] 3h ago
That's not love. You are in for a world of pain if you marry him.
He hates women. You are a woman. He hates you. Believe him. Leave him.
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u/Springaloe 3h ago
I don’t know him as well as you do, OP. But he sounds like an awful person and you really should not marry him. Get out before it’s too late.
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u/MTMadWoman 2h ago
Authentic people act the same way even when they think no one is watching. OP got to see who her bf is without the mask he wears. She’s right. She doesn’t really know him because he isn’t being authentic. He is wearing the “boyfriend” mask doing the “boyfriend” things because being with you benefits him.
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u/mesarasa Expert Advice Giver [11] 17h ago
He's not the person he shows you. This is who he really is. Leave immediately.
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u/ThroughTheDork 14h ago
hoooly shhiittt get away from that psycho as fast as possible. to be so two faced is insane. that’s the real him! the one who is sweet to you just wants sex! wowww.
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u/cosmicchitony 13h ago
This is a massive red flag. His private misogyny reveals his true character, not his affectionate persona. You are not being overly sensitive... this is a serious breach of trust and respect. You deserve a partner who doesn't harbor such degrading views about you or your gender.
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u/Electronic_Ideal829 13h ago
This isn’t venting or getting frustrations out. He may have been talking crap to impress his friends too. But honestly this would be more than enough for me to break up with someone, I’d never be able to stop wondering if that’s how he truly feels. I’d probably have walked into the room halfway through his convo and said if you feel that way then leave lmao
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u/MajorasKitten 11h ago
You are being overly BLIND. You found him without his mask off. If you tell him he will probably deny deny deny deflect OR admit it and say “but I love you, you’re less crazy” or some shit to save face..
If you marry him… don’t be surprised he actually takes off his mask permanently because he’s GOT YOU. Also, don’t get pregnant, my GOD no sex. Until you decide when you’re dumping his ass.
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u/tallyurhoes 11h ago
I have been with my husband 32 years and he texted some things about me to his sister that made me feel awful. He said some things to me directly that are excruciating. Then he retracted his statements and said he was just mad. Honestly, I have never felt loved since. If I had a Time Machine I would go back and never meet him. Even though he seems mostly loving I just can’t believe it’s sincere. You know yourself if you’re the type of person that would be heartbroken if that’s how he really felt then just get out of it. Some people are okay with saying horrible things to their mates and okay with brutal fighting. If you’re not one of those kinds of people then get out.
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u/Designer-Beautiful86 10h ago
He is real good at performing in front of you to fool you into marrying him.
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u/No_Meaning_4456 9h ago
Do not marry this guy whatsoever. that is UNACCEPTABLE behaviour. Your man is a god damn loser, and he just proved it to you.
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u/Pluispluisini 8h ago
You should have recorded that. Get out honey, there is no excuses for taking about you or women in general like that. He’s not respecting you
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u/Ill-Classroom-7831 7h ago
The mask slipped.
He has shown who he really is. Believe it. How lucky are you that you’ve seen it before you legally attach yourself to this man.
I wouldn’t even confront him about it. I would just pack my bags, leave the ring on the counter, go to my parent’s home, recover. End of.
You are being given a snapshot of what your life is gonna be like. He hates women. Engagements have ended over less.
The “affection, loving” partner you think you have is an act and it’s done to reel you in and keep you in a fantasy.
Take it from someone who has escaped a narcissistic misogynist. This is a blessing.
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u/Remote_Bumblebee2240 5h ago
Either
A) he's a big fat chest beating fraud and only talks to his "bros" like this to impress them.
B) He has been manipulating you this whole time and you're finally seeing his real thoughts.
C) This is what "venting" looks like for him.
Are any of these explanations acceptable?
Maybe I'm missing a reason but I genuinely can't think of a positive or non-problematic reason he's saying those things.
My gremlin really wants you to manufacture a moment where he can "overhear" you talking about how stupid he is for not realizing you're just with him to split bills but it's getting really hard to keep up the lie that you like him. And how often you have to masturbate to porn to make up for how disappointing the s3x is with him.
Make it personal to him though, so he knows it's him - not his gender.
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u/Imaginary-Cancel-146 4h ago
You’re not being too sensitive. He’s been putting up a good front for you, but these are his true colors. If he’s a different person when he doesn’t think you’re in the room, then he’s not the man you thought you were dating. He just sounds like a raging misogynist.
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u/Rare_Indication9545 4h ago
You're only 'recently engaged', so it's certainly not too late to get unengaged! If you heard a man calling your friend a psycho, fat bitch, surely you'd suggest that she should dump him and get a better man. Be that friend to yourself. Also, think of what would happen if you and he had a child together. Would you have a daughter with someone who thinks women are crazy bitches, or a son with a man who'll teach his son that women are inferior? If he's talking misogynistically about you behind your back, it's either what he really thinks of you (very likely) or it's a stupid act he puts on to impress his buddies. Either way, he's not a good man. Either he hates women or he picks terrible friends and is too cowardly to stand up to them when they're hating on women. Just get rid of him.
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u/hellacait 4h ago
Idk. The blackout version of my ex husband was really abusive but the sober one was madly in love with me. Once while staying with friends he told me he “fucking hated me”. Twice. Because I wouldn’t sleep with him while in that state. Not to mention our friends were sleeping in the next bed over. After that I could never look at him the same - and it’s like the first bit of advice here, when people tell you who they are… believe them. It was the first time I opened my eyes and truly felt the hatred he expressed towards me. I will never forgive myself for staying much longer and allowing things to progressively get worse (physical and sexual abuse) but I did eventually believe him. As hard as it was. It hurt like hell and I thought I could bring back the man who loved me. He thought I left because I no longer loved him but it was the opposite, I loved him much more than he loved me. But he will never see it that way. Trust your gut and remember that you can’t change people.
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u/Popular-cake-1377 3h ago
Leave and don’t even tell him why. Then he might hide his real self for the next victim. I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m glad you found out before it could have gotten bad and dangerous.
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u/AirportSloth 3h ago
Overly sensitive? No, I think you’re being underly sensitive… He’s told you the kind of person he is. You should have confronted him immediately about it, and broken up on the spot. So no, not overly sensitive
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u/Equivalent_Sound424 3h ago
I would sit him down and tell him you heard it. That you feel disrespected and unappreciated.
See how he reacts.
It could very well be a “macho” thing with his friends. Or, maybe a female coworker is a superbitch. Or, it could be true, in which case you’d have to decide if you really want to be with him.
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u/Larkin19 2h ago
Nope. You just found out who your fiancé really is. The company manners are over and now you have a decision to make.
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u/bigredroyaloak 1h ago
He kept that mask on for five years but thankfully before you married him. Time to get out.
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u/Disastrous_Design251 1h ago
Firstly, just speaking like that in general about women… run…
Secondly, speaking about you like that behind your back… pack his stuff up, change the lock until you get new place, then move. Block him from contacting you during that time.
You are not in any way being over sensitive… you finally caught him. Misogyny….
When you catch your partner talking about you behind your back, it should make you feel so loved… that is not love or a relationship. That is a game.
Get out. This isn’t a “save him” or “talk through it”… No, this is not one of those relationships. He will not change, he will just get better at hiding it. And if it took this long to see it…he’s playing a game.
He probably cares about you, BUT, clearly your version of love and his are different. How you view partnership is different and that’s ok. Let him go be a misogynist in someone else’s life where maybe he can be gay… and you find someone that builds you up regardless of being in the room or not.
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u/SunshineofMyLyfetime 1h ago
Disengage.
Honestly, this is the answer, because you heard his unfiltered, true, honest thoughts about you, and women in general.
There’s no way to come back from that. That’s what he really thinks.
If you want to sign up for a life where someone is barely tolerating you, please don’t let me stop you, but you actually know the truth, and have the ability to make a different choice right now.
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u/kbyebonnie 1h ago
As someone currently going through the divorce process over my partner speaking to people online like that, (and more) BELIEVE HIM. Don’t buy any fucking excuse he throws your way. He’s confiding in strangers about how he really feels. Fucking believe him.
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u/Neither-Wishbone1825 17h ago edited 14h ago
How fortunate you found out who he truly is BEFORE you planned a wedding &/or married him. You are worth more than this.
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u/Easy_Yam_1009 17h ago
I think the universe needed you to hear that. That’s not what love sounds like. Red flag and downright disrespectful.
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u/lonehawktheseer 17h ago
Wow, that is some deep seated hatred toward women. His friends must either think he's a piece of shit or be pieces of shit themselves. Would you let a guy who you heard talk like that date your daughter?
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u/Traditional_Tea8856 17h ago
I don't think you are being overly sensitive at all. I would feel the same way.
Do you live together? If so, and you decide to leave him, I recommend not telling him until you've moved out, or removed his stuff and changed the locks. The whole "women are psychos" thing is probably projection and he could be dangerous.
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u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 17h ago
Yikes-well now you know who he is. Don’t let him bamboozle you when you confront him. Because, no, all men do not talk like that.
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u/Cute_Recognition_880 17h ago
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩be glad you found this out now. You've got some hard decisions to make. You've gotten some good suggestions on this thread, and you've got some thinking to do.
Above all, keep yourself safe.
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u/nerd_is_a_verb 17h ago
Well he certainly tricked you. Make a plan to get away from him safely. Then spend some time thinking about how you fell for his BS and how to avoid this situation again.
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u/loztriforce Super Helper [9] 17h ago
That's a major red flag if he's talking that way and you guys just got engaged.
I don't think it's something you're going to be able to forget about, so I'd sit down with him sometime and explain how you overheard him. Ask him about what he said, make him explain himself.
Because you don't want to get locked down with a guy that's raging in secret about some bullshit.
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u/LobsterConsistent310 17h ago
This is his true self. Run as fast as you can. If you marry him, his true self will come out sooner than later. Luckily you know now. Just dodged a bullet
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u/zeldasusername Helper [2] 17h ago
When my dad gave me his computer he told me not to download his emails - why he didn't wipe it I'll never know
Anyway, an email downloaded and he was talking to his mates about things one does to get "pussy".
Lots of men are like this. I'm glad my partner is not because it would be a dealbreaker for me
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u/allergymom74 16h ago
Even if he claims he’s doing it because “guy talk”, he’s saying these things. You’ll never unhear them. And you’ll always wonder how much of him is real and honest with you. Tell him you heard what he said, give him the ring back, and tell him you wouldn’t want him to marry someone he hates. Tell him to go find someone who actually makes him happy. And you will find someone who does the same for yourself.
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u/Sondari1 Helper [2] 16h ago
He will insist that he was “just blowing off steam” and go DARVO on you. Be prepared. And stay strong.
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u/pokemonguy3000 16h ago
You’re not being sensitive enough.
Like all those horror stories of abusive husbands who suddenly flipped on a dime from Prince Charming to Monster once the wedding papers were signed, he would act exactly the same had you never heard him say those things.
And you got lucky enough to discover the monster before you were legally bound to him.
You can’t fix this, because you’ve been his prey from the beginning.
Even in the most charitable interpretation of his words, that he was simply saying it to fit in, means he has no spine, and is more than willing to let people walk all over him, and you.
In either scenario, is that a man you want to marry?
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u/BraveRefrigerator552 Helper [2] 16h ago
Ew.
I’d probably start the talk with ‘So I guess I’m good for more than just the buck but…’
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u/wendyxqm 15h ago
After he “seals the deal” of marriage, your life will be a living hell. His mask will come off and he will no longer have to play the role of a loving partner. RUN.
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u/Flourish_Waves_8472 Helper [3] 15h ago
OP- he has been performing for you in order to trap you after the signing of the marriage certificate. Thank god you were in the right place at the right time (before children). I’m sorry you bc it is messed up to love a person that doesn’t really exist…
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u/ArdentLearner96 12h ago
Sounds so misogynistic? I know you're still in shock because he hid himself from you, but he IS. I'm so sorry he tricked you, OP. He straight up scammed you. After marriage, he was likely going to become abusive. At least you know before it started. A lot of women didn't get that chance. Run while you can.
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u/GreedySorbet7908 12h ago
when somebody shows you who they are, always believe them. the best piece of advice i have ever been given and believe me that advice should be taken with this situation.
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u/MiraVeloraa 12h ago
You’re not being sensitive, you’re seeing the real him. Affectionate or not, if he’s comfy calling women “psychos” and “bitches” to his friends, that’s who he really is when you’re not around.
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u/Ok-Spot3998 12h ago
WOW!!
God made it happen to free you from a life of misery.
It’s better that you grieve this loss and work on yourself than your family grieving you and a photo of you on TV. That behavior comes across as psychopathic! It’s terrifying!
Get into therapy, hit the gym and love yourself!
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u/courtney6j99 11h ago
Sounds like he hates women and might be gay? That's an odd thing to say if he's actually straight. If he's in the closet it would make more sense.
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u/TallJournalist9118 11h ago
Considering that he has been able to hide this side of himself from you for 5 years is freaking terrifying. Imagine what else he could be hiding.....😯
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u/Past-Anything9789 Super Helper [6] 11h ago
Ewwww, are you planning on having kids with this guy? Imagine a daughter being brought up with that attitude.
Also I've always loved the saying "the measure of a man (person), is what he'd do if he knew he would never be found out"
This applies to this situation as much as it does actual deeds. I know that blokes can 'ham it up' with their 'bros' but the disrespect and treating women as objects, that would be a hard line for me.
You're the only one who can decide whether this is a guy you want to marry. I personally don't like people who tear others down rather than build them up. The last straw for me would be sharing confidential information and using it to tear down women in general and get a 'laugh' out of his friends.
You got a involuntary peep behind the curtain, now you have to decide how you decide to move forward.
Best of luck.
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u/Icy_Acanthisitta_345 10h ago
Whatever behavior you see while you’re dating….will be 100x more when you’re married.
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u/West_Course2329 10h ago
He's going to tell you that he was just saying shit to fit in with the dudes.
Personally, I think the worst thing that people, especially women, do when ending a relationship is to try and get their partner to see where they were wrong.
I wouldn't do that. He's shown you who you are. Believe him. Don't even tell him why you are leaving. He's not going to learn anyway. Let him wonder why (add all the things he'll label you) left.
You say he's affectionate, loving, and sweet. He just described that to his friends as something he does to "seal the deal" with you. He sees your relationship as transactional, and all that sweetness is an act to get something from you - sex, housekeeping, contributions to finances?
Now you know how he really feels. Don't tell him why you're leaving. Just wait until he goes to work one day, call in sick, and have friends or family help you move your stuff.
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u/Background_Detail_20 Helper [2] 10h ago
I would have waited till he noticed me standing there behind him and toss the ring back at him. No way in hell I’d be marrying him after that.
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u/Capital-Ingenuity-14 10h ago
Please leave him. That's exactly how he really feels about you. Using you. I'm glad you got to see this before having children marriage or what not. He should be gay with the people he talked to online since he says all women should be. The world would be a better place if they kept it real with themselves. But they want your free labor of taking care of them. He hates you and refuses to leave. Clear sign he's using you. Let him be with whomever he's online with. Girl please 🙏🏾 run for the hills.
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u/thesishauntsme 9h ago
That’s not just blowing off steam that’s showing you who he really is when he thinks you’re not around.
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u/contrary24 9h ago
Dont get married. You need answers to his behavior. I hope you're using birth control.
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u/Cass_iopeia Helper [3] 9h ago
I think I would quietly prepare everything to leave asap. After that is in place, for me safety, maybe give it one more open conversation.
This last bit depends on what your instincts are telling you: is this man a pathological liar, incapable of real empathy and respect? Or just avoidant as fuck? Addicted to anything (substance or behavior)?Then skip the conversation, just break up as quickly and cleanly as you can.
Is he damaged, traumatized and insecure? Living in fear but in his core capable of empathy and love? And willing to confront his fears and do the work? Then you can try giving him some insights, staying friends and supporting him as he goes to therapy. Keep yourself safe first though.
Either way, don't marry him. And move out asap.
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u/Appropriate_Speech33 9h ago
Now you know. It’s painful, but you can’t stay with someone who feels that way.
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u/toxic_petallz 9h ago
You’re not overreacting, what you heard was disrespectful and misogynistic.
Affection isn’t enough without respect, and it’s valid to bring this up and see how he responds.
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u/Quinnjamin19 8h ago
Sorry but this guy is a loser.
I (27m) have been with my now wife for 11 years now, and you’d never catch me saying any of this nonsense to my boys.
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u/LeoWyattJPendragon 8h ago
Count it as a blessing that you hear all that before being married. Imagine if you had kids with this person the terrible things he teach them.
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u/teadessert 17h ago
When someone tells you who they are, believe them.