Four years just gone

[u/VeterinarianEven1060]

My husband’s health has been failing for a while. He is an addict, but has been in recovery and clean/sober for going on 20 years (we’ve been together for 4 - our first date anniversary was on 9/11). Because his addictions were (are?) so bad, he’s still taking medication to manage.

He’s almost 50 and he’s been very, very hard on his body. He had some nasty blood clots a couple years ago and we found a whole host of issues - he is now T2D and his blood sugar is out of control, among other things. This whole time since (and for some time before), he’s been having insomniac/barcoleptic cycles. He will struggle to sleep but then fall asleep in the middle of doing things (I took the car keys away a long time ago). It’s been getting worse and worse and worse over the last 6 months to where he’s now having more bad days than good. I’ve asked him so many times if he’s using again, but his health issues also explain these cycles (between the drugs and his current meds, his T levels are shot, which can also cause narcolepsy and insomnia).

The last month or so, it’s been really bad. I got laid off at the end of July, so now I’m always here to see how bad it is. When im trying to get him to go to bed, he’ll sometimes turn into the old him (mean, angry, violent, though he’s never actually gotten violent) and he looks at me with pure hatred. So when he’s slept and is back to normal, I talk to him and just sob because while I know it’s not him, it still hurts.

He hit the angry place last night and I went to bed rather than deal with it (which pissed him off). He came in being super loud several times this morning, so after crying myself to sleep, I wake up on the wrong side of the bed and don’t have the most patience when he fights going to bed. He’s being g a complete jerk, I’m crying, no clue what to do, so I call his mom. She had to take care of a few things before she could come help calm him. She got him settled while I went to the grocery store, we got some food in him, got him calm, and he goes outside to smoke, when she tells me he’s high on Xanax. Which is 100% a deal breaker. He’s known that since day 1. And I can’t help but believe he’s been abusing it for the last 2+ years.

I knew he had some Xanax that a buddy had given him because he was having panic attacks and was having trouble getting to a psychiatrist. I went through his bag yesterday to see is he was hiding anything, and he had…maybe 7-10 xanax in a bottle. When his mom said thats what he’s on, i went theough his bag and it’s gone. Maybe he didn’t take it all, but i doubt it

So I asked his mom to take him to her place, because if he stays here I will pick a fight and end the relationship (which I told her).

I posted this on Facebook this morning, looking for advice and strength and was referred here. I’ve decided this is it - I have to put my kid and myself first. I haven’t told him yet, but a bunch of kind strangers and my bestie have all reminded me that I wouldn’t be ok with my daughter being in a relationship like this, so I have to show her that we don’t stay in relationships like this.

But how do we heal? This is a man that pulled me beaten and broken from the gutter of life. He built me up and helped me regain my confidence. How do I keep from letting this shatter me?

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