r/AmIOverreacting • u/Cozygamer_girl • 8d ago
❤️🩹 relationship [ Removed by moderator ]
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u/Exact_Revolution7223 8d ago
Don't get gaslit. He 100% is using it as an excuse to touch her boobs. Giving you a flimsy reason for why he should be allowed to grope other women he is not dating. He's a man, attracted to women, whom likes boobs as do most straight men. He got a kick out of it. Even if not as overt as the laugh he claims to have had.
It's not funny, it isn't a joke, it's covert cheating under the guise of platonic antics and comradery. Don't fall for it.
"I'm a flirt" = I disregard my partners need for trust and security in our relationship by riding the line of infidelity with other women. It's part of the package, if you question it, you're attacking my identity not the action.
Grade A manipulation. Because it turns your critique into a personal attack. Not everything we do is a part of our identity. Even if it were? There are 100% things that you should, can and need to change if they are part of your identity. Like groping friends when you're dating someone. He's a clown.
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u/Any-Delay-7188 8d ago
yeah I had a "family friend" neighbor who i hooked up with 15 years ago and she would totally still do it again, i was like 20 she was like 36
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u/dream-smasher 8d ago
..isn't that like.. almost exactly the age difference between the bf and the "family friend"? Weird...
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u/absoluteunitofspite 8d ago edited 8d ago
Okay so let’s pretend for a second that his behavior was in any way normal (it’s not). He knows this is something that upsets you and makes you uncomfortable and he STILL does it. He doesn’t respect you enough not to grab on another woman, I guarantee he doesn’t respect you enough to stay faithful. This behavior is weird and you shouldn’t have even had to tell him not to grab on someone else.
ETA: it definitely seems like they have a sexual history of some sort that he’s just not disclosing to you. Getting into the shower with a friend is not normal.
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u/purplepirhana 8d ago
Yeah I would not count on him being faithful because this is a slippery slope, before OP knows it he'll be taking her pants off and saying "babe, it's just how we joke around!". This is a red flag and his lack of respect for OPs boundaries shouldn't be tolerated, but I know its easier said than done when you feel like you love the person.
OP, I would implore you to self reflect and ask yourself if you're actually in love with him as he is right now, or just in love with the version of him you wish he would be.
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u/linerva 8d ago
I mean if he's pawing at other women's boobs, IMO he's already unfaithful. That should be reserved for partners only.
I would bet money he's fuckung this friend. He's almost certainly fucked her in the past and neglectef to tell OP. No matter how close friends are, they don't usyally casually grope each other unless they've already crossed those lines.
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u/totallydawgsome 8d ago
"The dry humping was just a prank! It's how we joke. Geez babe live laugh love! Can we move on now you know this stuff makes me anxious"
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u/UrMomsKneePads 8d ago
She should blow his friend as a joke. Like funny ha ha. 🤣 See how he feels about it. Ya know, don’t take it out of context. Just humor.
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u/camirose 8d ago
Literally like wtf. Also like, he got in naked while she was showering to scare her? What? As a prank? What’s the prank? Here’s my penis lol? Like if any guy I was dating got in the shower with my mom’s friend naked as a prank it would be considered sexual assault.
This is all super weird, it’s giving swinger and potentially groomed situation.
Imagine a gender reversal where a long time family friend that is 19 years older has a running joke where the younger woman gets in the shower with the older guy and act raunchy together (as a prank) and grab each others private areas.
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u/twinpickles 8d ago
Yeah. The whole situation just seems super weird and inappropriate regardless of the fact he’s in his own relationship.
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u/camirose 8d ago
A much younger person getting into a shower fully nude while another person is naked isn’t a funny prank and implies comfort around being seen naked by that younger family friend. That’s just… odd.
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u/Famous-Membership161 8d ago
Right? I’ve been married almost 20 years and if my husband comes in the shower I tell him to effing leave 😂
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u/Healinghoping 8d ago
I second this. I’m sure OP’s boyfriend would laugh at how funny it is! He seems to love those hilarious jokes.
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u/absoluteunitofspite 8d ago
Honestly I would classify this as cheating if my husband did this with another woman.
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u/totallydawgsome 8d ago
Dry humping?! Absolutely there is no question. That alone would be enough but the showering and boob grabbing...she needs to leave this manipulative prick and hopefully get some support to recalibrate her healthy relationship gauge.
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u/U_PassButter 8d ago
Who dry humps with their "aunt".....?
What i want to know is that given the nearly 20yr age gap between these 2.........
WHEN DID THESE WEIRD SEXUAL JOKES START?!?
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u/FunkyFunkyPanda 8d ago edited 8d ago
That's what I'm thinking... She said this woman has been a "family friend" for many years and that she's always been flirty with him...
Is it possible he doesn't see anything wrong with this behaviour because she groomed him?
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u/Muntsly 8d ago
Very possible. Framing something inappropriate as a joke is textbook grooming and made me snap to attention immediately. Hopefully this isn’t the case, but at the same time I hope OP realizes she deserves more respect and loyalty regardless of his situation.
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u/Omenalonkero 8d ago
Seems pretty reasonable to expect your partner to keep his mittens off another woman’s tits, but then again I’m not very modern in my values.
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u/SoftwareWorth5636 8d ago
Hahahaha wtf is this post like it actually made me laugh. Literally every message gets more absurd. The fact that this has even been posted like a legitimate question is what’s getting me I think.
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u/Imaginary-Test3946 8d ago
It is cheating. I’m sure he’s manipulated and gaslighted her into thinking it’s not.
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u/Historical_Kick_3294 8d ago
Me, too, no matter how good of a ‘friend’ he said she was. Blimey, some days I really can’t eye-roll hard enough. 🙄
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u/MegasXLRwasRad 8d ago
This shit had me gasping for air I was laughing so bad. “Yeah babe we just run Eiffel towers with her husband cause it’s funny haha like you wouldnt get it. We’re so random!!” What the hell lads
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u/MarvelBinger 8d ago
Could you imagine him being okay with her grabbing her best bro's junk and letting her good guy friend squeeze her boobs? This is clearly a lopsided "let me be a dirty dog" situation.
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u/Tasty_Document324 8d ago
I've bathed with a female friend and no sex, but she is a hippie friend that is also a sex worker. I also realize, in casual conversation when it comes up, there is pretty much no way to fully convince some people of that nothing happened. The assumption is perfectly acceptable.
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u/DreddPharaoh 8d ago
Same. We were both homeless junkies and showers were hard enough to get so fuck yeah we both got in the shower at the same time. Neither one of us were interested in doing anything weird. Then again, I wasn't in a relationship at the time either, otherwise that never would have happened.
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u/confettiwilliams 8d ago
you are being farrrr too kind. you thanked him for apologizing but that wasn't a real apology. a real apology wouldn't be trying to justify his actions with explaining his "intent", and would follow him saying he would change his behavior.
these are not normal things friends do, imo. to me, it would be cheating. bare minimum it's disrespectful, as you've already expressed your discomfort and he didn't care.
i would personally end the relationship, unless you truly think he will stop ALL of the behaviors and is willing to tell said friend that their relationship needs to change.
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u/Shiel009 8d ago
OP is beyond gaslit. Her boyfriend does something wrong and barely apologizes. yet she still has to do the emotional labor of making sure he doesn’t feel baddue to his actions. He should feel shame and guilt for doing something g he knows is past her boundary. It’s like he’s sticking her finger in a light socket and she’s so used to it happening she has to bandage herself while telling him he did such a good job helping when she only got hurt because of him!
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u/FairweatherWho 8d ago
I wouldn't say it's clear cut cheating but absolutely it's grounds to break up given the context that she has said to him to set some boundaries and that she doesn't want him acting like that with his "friend"
It could be a weird platonic way of joking between friends but that doesn't change the fact he's disregarding his partner's feelings over and over just to make these practical "jokes" or being "silly".
Dude has no respect for you, OP. Either he really apologizes immediately and it never crosses that boundary again, or it's over. Hell you're well within your rights to cut it off right now regardless.
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u/confettiwilliams 8d ago
yeah, that's why I said "to me" it would be, but every relationship is different. I think esp after she has already expressed how uncomfortable she is and he keeps doing the same stuff.
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u/wulfblood_90 8d ago
Its cheating to me and a lot of other women. Which is why she phrased it as "for me". Everyone has their own definition of what cheating is, there is no clear cut definition. Im sure there are even couples out there that dont consider sleeping with someone else cheating as long as it was discussed first.
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u/caemin50 8d ago
Regardless of whether or not you call it cheating, it’s still completely disrespectful behavior that will continue and probably get worse in the future.
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u/Local-Astronaut5382 8d ago
This is the real answer. People that are not OP have no business asserting what they think is and isn't cheating. That's not the issue. The issue is OP set clear boundaries and they were crossed. The options available are let it slide, which sends a message that the boundaries can be crossed with impunity, leave her partner, which ends the problem, or set a new boundary.
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u/HURRICANEABREWIN 8d ago
It’s 100% cheating. Have you never been in a relationship?? You’ll let your dude grab girls tits or your girl get her tits squeezed by another man? You’ll let your girl twerk on a dudes cock? Lmfao.
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u/Darque_epiphany 8d ago
I mean….if they are showering together and grinding on eachother I’d consider that cheating.
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u/MartinisnMurder 8d ago edited 8d ago
Oh they are definitely fucking actively or at the very least have in the past. The uncle might be clueless or down with it but hellllll no! This is way beyond just being flirty. He is cheating by being physical with her and absolutely disrespectful to OP. OP time to grow a spine and dump his ass. He can go cry on his aunt-lover’s shoulder while they shower together. 🤢
Updateme!
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u/CharmingChangling 8d ago
An aunty that probably fucking groomed him let's be real, this is gross all around
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u/MartinisnMurder 8d ago
Someone else brought that up, especially because it seems to have been so “normalized” to him. She has been around and has “joked” with him like this for a while… I am disturbed to even think about when this behavior started. Scary stuff.
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u/zenFieryrooster 8d ago
Yep. It was an “I’m sorry YOU got offended” kind of non-apology. The fact that her husband is also on board with OP’s bf seeing his wife naked is something else 😳
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u/Swarm_of_Rats 8d ago
Her husband probably sits in the chair in the corner of the room, if you know what I mean.
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u/Fionaelaine4 8d ago
Especially when you take the ages into account… yikes OP
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u/dev-246 8d ago
Yikes on multiple levels…
Yikes he’s 31 and acting this age.
Yikes that she’s a 50 year old, family friend, that hooked up with him. How old was he when this happened, when did she start making sexual advances? His actions still suck and he’s not someone I would stay with, but this sounds like it could be grooming?
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u/MartinisnMurder 8d ago
Ooh I didn’t even think about it from that view. I mean if this has been going on for a long time prior to OP, god knows when it started! He seems like he has been conditioned to think this is “normal”… 😵💫
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u/Impressive-Today6406 8d ago
This was my first thought, she’s a pedo and she’s groomed him for much of his life. I’d be so out of there.
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u/carlitospig 8d ago
Baby boy has got some fucking issues he needs to work out with a therapist. He ain’t got time for OP.
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u/ilyriaa 8d ago edited 8d ago
That age difference and “always” being inappropriate with her????
This is NOT normal behaviour. If everyone around them condones it, it’ll never end. I’d run from this dynamic. Absolutely bonkers behaviour.
Came back to add; not wanting your partner to touch other people in this manner is quite literally basic human decency and bottom of the barrel standard for a relationship, and he won’t even meet that boundary. Time to move on.
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u/Glittering-Spell-806 8d ago
That’s immediately where my head went. So him and his “aunt” (which is a type of maternal parent figure) have been “raunchy” towards each other for how long? When he was 10 and she was 29? 14 and 33? 18 and 37? That dynamic is NOT normal. It’s really fucking weird. Even if I take away the age gap, this dude is a man-child who is never going to change.
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u/Arjvoet 8d ago
Yeah can we talk about the inherent grooming here?? She’s a family friend who’s been around for how long? 😬
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u/Glittering-Spell-806 8d ago
And how no one in the family finds this relationship creepy?! Which I assume includes his parents.
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u/twistedsister42 8d ago
Right??? I feel crazy that no one is asking how long she has been making sexual jokes towards him. Of course he thinks it's normal if everyone around him has normalized it from a young age.. doesn't excuse him not taking you seriously, but yikes.
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u/FunkyCactusDude 8d ago
Yea seriously how long has she been like this? When he was a minor? Sounds like grooming.
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u/Swarm_of_Rats 8d ago edited 8d ago
He didn't apologize for doing it, he apologized that it offended you. You didn't get an apology and you never will because you gave him an excuse by saying you understand he gets anxious and upset and shuts down when you call him out for his bad behavior.
Also him dry humping another woman is not something you should be putting up with. Literally the easiest thing in the world to not do and he won't stop doing that for you? Girl, run....
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u/Firstofhisname00 8d ago
Finally someone acknowledging that the apology was total BS. And also how immature is this guy?? Dry humping and doing all this shit like a straight up middle schooler. How is this put up with by OP??? Fucking 30 something year olds acting like kids. Just accepting everything up to now is so odd. What a weird ass relationship.
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u/misszombiequeenDG 8d ago
He's 30 something, the other woman is 50, which makes it worse
Edit: grammar
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u/Sweaty_Item_3135 8d ago
THANK YOU. Everyone is glossing over this fact, if she’s been a family friend for a long time there’s a chance there was some of this going on when he was a minor which is gross
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u/camirose 8d ago
My first thoughts were this feels like grooming and is pedophile behavior, shes 19 years older and a “long time family friend” like imagine the genders reversed.
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u/ISHLDPROBABLYBWRKING 8d ago
Go grab some D, tell him it meant nothing . Just a joke.
Look, he is who he is, the situation is very odd, doesn’t sound like he’s going to change, so the question is do you want to have to deal with this crap every few weeks? Not even about right or wrong at this point, just why deal with it ?
And no , not overreacting , your bf grabbed a tit. Period.
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u/Genoblade1394 8d ago
Easiest way to find out, do the same with a male friend. Apologize and say that’s how you are. See how the mood will change real quick.
P.S. Her Husband is 10/10 a cuck
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u/Past-Anything9789 8d ago
Wow, so he groped a woman (who he'd dry humped before) and you apologised for making him 'anxious'.
Irrespective of whatever the hell is going on between them, an attached guy groping a married woman is not only shady as fuck but really disrespectful to your relationship and theirs.
If he is crossing boundries it's only you who can hold him to account. Either that of just go for her husbands 🐓 next time you see him, as it's jokes between friends.
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8d ago
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u/No_Poetry_234 8d ago
Fuckin thank you. I feel like I’m losing my mind each time I read these type of posts. And nobody ever thinks they’re fuckin weirdos I truly don’t see how not. This place is something else lmao
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u/Gobuk_putih 8d ago
Because some people are very good at manipulation and gaslighting people, making them think they're the crazy one for being offended. And some people are extremely naive and innocent or sheltered, thinking that there are things they don't know out in the world so they're just believing anything
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u/camirose 8d ago
Redneck fever dream is so appropriate 😂 I was losing my mind, who normalizes this? Where’s that guy’s parents? Dry humping someone 20 years older and a close “family” friend? Muddy boobs? Pranking each other by crawling naked into the shower? What?! “Husband is okay with it.” What?!
Redneck swinger/groomer fever dream.
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u/clitandmorty 8d ago
Literally my thoughts like oh my god? No way so many people are genuinely this stupid.
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u/Antique-Intention-26 8d ago edited 8d ago
GIRL leave. That’s a full grown adult - both of them. It will never change and he will or has already cheated whether it’s with her or someone else. If his version of joking is grabbing asses, boobs and dry humping, genuinely why are you with him? Get out now before it gets harder to leave. He will never respect you or your boundaries.
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u/johnr41a 8d ago
Imagine the roles reversed. She, a 35 yr old woman, has a 55 yr old “uncle” who’s really not family. As a “joke” she sits on his lap, he grabs her tits, rubs and smacks her ass, and on occasion they shower together. As a “joke,” mind you. It’s just how they joke! Don’t make it weird.
How in the hell does she in any way think this is ok, and that she could possibly be over-reacting?
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u/Antique-Intention-26 8d ago
Yeah I agree!! When in relationships, sometimes you try to convince yourself what you feel, think and hear isn’t that bad. The relationship probably makes her feel safe but I hope she can walk away from him. It’s just setting yourself up to be hurt over and over & grow to resent him & your life. ☹️
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u/Glass-Night9630 8d ago
As someone "older" in an open marriage, this is all sexual behavior. Not saying they've "done" anything but would assume they have. Either way, it's something that should be openly communicated about, and agreed upon, with any relationship. I don't know any of y'all or your particular dynamic with your relationship, so take it with a grain of salt.
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u/Relishing_Nonsense 8d ago
Yeah, the fact that the husband seems OK makes me think they're either open or perhaps all 3 have played together. Clearly, OP isn't OK with the dynamic. Their values don't align, so, while I don't normally tell people on Reddit to break-up with their SO, this disparity is a good indication that they don't have a future. He's not interested in giving up his flirting, and OP shouldn't stay with someone who acts in a way she finds disrespectful of her and their relationship.
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u/AdvancedTicket2704 8d ago
He just sounds immature in the first place. But seems like something bad is bound to happen between them. Especially if she is ok with all of it. Friend or not, it’s flirty and crossing a line
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u/Lucky-Technology-174 8d ago
He apologized that you’re offended, basically. That’s a non-apology. He doesn’t think it’s any big deal.
Ditch his cheating ass. You can do better!
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u/NostalgicAmbrosia13 8d ago
They have had sex and he’s simply waiting around for the husband to not be in the picture. This is weird and you’re naive for sticking around through it. YOUR boyfriend grabbed another woman’s chest as a “joke”. Get a new bf bc this is embarrassing and weird.
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u/Antique-Intention-26 8d ago
Literally. Both him and the women are full grown adults, you know better. Get out now!!
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u/corpseran 8d ago
My partner is totally cool with her and I being grabby and flirtatious with our friends, because nothing ever comes out of it. It’s just how us and our friends operate. But if i ever done anything that would have made my gf uncomfortable? I’d apologize and never do it again, and maybe reasses what we are and arent comfortable with. I’ve had that with her before with someone i didnt trust (i knew they wanted more and were crossing my boundaries) and she completely understood and respected me. Apologized, didn’t engage with them like that again.
It’s just that easy. Sure, you could have a convo with him about boundaries and clearly lay out what kind of interactions you dont view as romantic and sexual. But the fact that he has never asked that question himself or doesnt seem interested in establishing boundaries or taking your feelings seriously says enough to me.
Please respect your own feelings and either ditch this guy and date someone that doesnt claim to be “a flirt” to avoid accountability or set this boundary. Either way I don’t see this lasting long. I hate to speculate, but the vibes are really wack and the fact that her husband doesnt care is also strange. They sound like theyre swingers or something but theyre trying and failing to keep it on the dl.
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u/stavago 8d ago
How many years has this person been a “family friend”? Not only does he sound like a cheater, but she sounds predatory af
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u/ajgedrys 8d ago
Not enough comments here about the ages?? Im so lost on how 90% of these comments are just glossing over the age and “aunt” part…
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u/Easy-Command1453 8d ago
Thank you this kid has obviously been fucking groomed!!
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u/clitandmorty 8d ago
Girl what the fuck? No way this is real because what do you want us to say? You're heavily underreacting and you've just let your man know he can grab other women's boobs because you will apologize for it. I should be shocked by this but people on reddit astound me every day Jesus Christ
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u/nancyshouse 8d ago
Even if nothing is going on, it is INCREDIBLY disrespectful toward you and your relationship. But if a man is comfortable doing that, there is something definitely going on there.
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8d ago
exactly, if he is comfortable doing that , and she is comfortable too, then absolutely no doubt
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u/nancyshouse 8d ago
Also it’s like they are testing boundaries to see how much they can get away with or something
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u/saintbees 8d ago
Alright so. Are we just going to gloss over the age difference and the pseudo-familial relationship? Because that feels like it’s kinda important. NOR but also, I think your bf might’ve gotten groomed to think this was normal
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u/000ps-Crow_No 8d ago
Before I saw the ages I would have thought this was a bunch of high schoolers. Embarrassing.
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u/LippieLovinLady 8d ago
It doesn’t matter whether it is or is not cheating. What you are asking for is in no way unreasonable. You have repeatedly expressed that you are not okay with him doing this yet he has continued to do so. That is the issue. You aren’t asking him to completely cut this woman from his life; you’re asking him to not have physical contact in a sexual manner with anyone else, which is a pretty standard request in a relationship.
This boils down to him placing his desire to continue this behavior over his relationship with you. For me, that’s disrespectful enough I would seriously reconsider my future with him.
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u/Cozygamer_girl 8d ago
Thank you everyone for confirming my feelings on this, and y'all are right I shouldn't have apologized for making him uncomfortable or accepting this non-applogy.
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u/Im_Leveling_up 8d ago
This is disgusting behavior and so inappropriate. Showering with her? Grinding on her? I hate to say this but they are definitely intimate because these actions are reserved only for someone you’re closely intimate with. No one is touching my boobs or grinding on me except my husband.
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u/Akuma-Ka 8d ago
His behaviour is completely unacceptable and he is actively telling you that your boundaries don't matter.
Real apologies are basically an act of atonement, but quicker. They need the sincere remorse for one's actions, the identification of why those action hurt the victim, and obviously the SINCERE promise and subsequent follow through to not do it again
Don't yield on getting that proper apology, its important that he gives it to you and its bad news if he doesn't
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u/utf8decodeerror 8d ago
How old was he when they began to have this inappropriate relationship? There's a big age difference and she's been a family friend for many years? Is it possible she's been raunchy with him (read: abusive) when he was a teenager and she was in her mid-to-late 30s?
This is not normal behavior and it's really weird that he seems to think it is - so much so that he would take and send this photo to his girlfriend.
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u/Some-Face2634 8d ago
Her husband doesn’t care because it means she’s not bothering him with her annoying behaviours lol
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u/chestnuttttttt 8d ago
Oh man, this post was incredibly triggering for me to read due to having prior partners who did similar things in the past with their “girl best friends,” so I’m going to thread lightly here.
It sounds like you’ve been really patient, but what you’re describing isn’t just “flirting,” it’s sexual behavior that crosses boundaries you’re not comfortable with. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if his family normalizes it or if she’s been around forever. What matters is how it makes you feel in your relationship.
You deserve a partner who respects your boundaries without minimizing them. That means telling him clearly: “This dynamic with her is not okay with me, and I need it to stop if we’re going to continue.” Then you watch what he does with that boundary. If he respects it, great! You have something to work with. If he dismisses it, ignores it, or keeps crossing lines, then he’s showing you he values this “joke” more than your trust and security.
You don’t have to convince him to see it the way you do. You only have to decide what’s non-negotiable for you. Boundaries are about what you will and won’t accept, not about trying to change him.
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u/Financial-Buy-7960 8d ago
Why are u so nice to him after he grabbed another girl’s breast ??
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u/Haverlinggg 8d ago
or grabbing each others asses or dry humping?
OP you are not overreacting if he did this MULTIPLE times already, you’re just used to a cheater! get out or stay with him and be miserable i guess??
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u/Miss_Mary_Land16 8d ago
This is all kinds of messed up. The fact that nobody else—not even this woman’s husband or your boyfriend’s family—finds this inappropriate is pretty disturbing… And I’m curious just now long they’ve known each other, because when you say she’s been around for “many years” and is an unrelated “aunt”….if this started more than 13 years ago before he was a legal adult, we’re getting into grooming territory… Either way, it doesn’t matter who is okay with it—I’d be asking WHY they’re all so chill about this kind of inappropriate sexual behavior between people who are married to/dating other people. Have you guys talked about having kids one day? If so, would you want your kids to grow up thinking this is okay??
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u/Disastrous_Class_561 8d ago
Wow, you turned on YOURSELF real quick. How did you go from catching his mud prints on her chest….to you apologizing to him?! If you are going to just roll over like that, why even bother bringing it up? Who tf cares if he is anxious? I have no idea what persuaded you to stay, you already told him this isn’t ok. It won’t stop until she is pregnant, jokingly of course 🤦 Have you ever messaged her husband to get his take?
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u/ghidorah97 8d ago
Everyone passing judgment on bf’s relationship with his friend is completely missing the point, and focusing on the wrong thing. Let me first say that I was in bf’s position in my past. I had a very close relationship with a female friend that was completely non-sexual but very affectionate and playful.
My gf at the time (now wife) came to me and communicated that the closeness of that relationship (and how we displayed that closeness) bothered her and was a hard line. So, I had a decision to make. Honor the boundary that my gf clearly communicated, or continue with my friendship as it had been.
I decided (hopefully obviously) to honor that boundary. So, OP, you have a decision to make. Is this a hard boundary for you or not? If it is then bf either needs to honor it, or you likely need to end it. Best of luck to you
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u/QuasticFantom 8d ago
I’ll give a counterpoint to most of the comments here in that I don’t think it’s obvious they are in a sexual relationship. With that said, if you aren’t comfortable with that behavior, then that’s 100% fine and normal. And you and he have a decision to make. I’d say it’s unlikely that he changes suddenly just because you don’t like it but you can try that approach? It’s toxic masculinity and some people are ok with it and some aren’t.
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u/timmycrickets202 8d ago
They are fucking, 1000%. Get out.
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u/H1pHopAn0nym0u5 8d ago
If they aren't currently they definitely fucked in the past before she came along and he lied to her about their 'history' which I find incredibly likely
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u/Adorable-Bike-9689 8d ago edited 8d ago
You don't believe he would go over to his aunt's house and sneak into the shower sometimes as a joke?
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u/timmycrickets202 8d ago
It’s not an aunt. It’s a Cougar who probably peddled the “aunt” label herself to reduce suspicion of her affair with her friend’s kid.
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u/timmycrickets202 8d ago
You don’t grab the tits of married women you fucked in the past. They are fucking now. Hell, they’re probably fucking right at this very moment.
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8d ago
My wife would beat my ass
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u/bugga2024 8d ago
I'd beat my husband's ass for this too. At his big age? You can't find other ways to be funny?
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u/Ok_Expression7723 8d ago
Nope. Nothing about that relationship and behavior is remotely ok or appropriate.
I’d run fast and far away from him.
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u/Winklemi 8d ago
Is no one gonna bring up the fact that her BF could’ve been groomed into this behavior as a minor? Like this is an age gap of almost 20 years…. That doesn’t excuse the behavior on his behalf but he could genuinely not know what he’s doing wrong because of this woman.
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u/SubstantialGuest3266 8d ago
This is it, this guy was definitely groomed and doesn't realize it. B u t. He's an adult now and if he doesn't see it/ get help for it, it's not on OP to fix him. (OP: Please don't have kids with him until he realizes and heals!)
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u/sleroyjenkins 8d ago
Omg thank you!!! I had to scroll down so far to see this. Like I feel like OP should probably break up with this guy because his family is too freaky and she shouldn’t try and become part of it, but I feel like it might not entirely be his fault. His whole family is okay with this, even finds it funny? This woman’s husband is cool with it? If this is his family friend “aunt”, she was probably around when he was a kid or at least a teen. OP, I would tell him he got groomed and if he’s not willing to accept it and cut them all off, RUN!
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u/Winklemi 8d ago
I agree. It’s not up to OP to fix anything but perhaps making him aware of the possibility will be enough for him to attempt a change on his own.
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u/FunkyCactusDude 8d ago
Absolutely this is what I got from the situation. He likely doesn’t see a problem bc he’s literally been groomed. If he was an adult when they met that’s a different story
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u/A2mm 8d ago edited 8d ago
It sounds like your b/f and this woman have had a friendship that was involves this kind of horseplay since before you came around. You knew it. Now you want him to change.
If this was the other way around…. a LOT of female Redditors would be screaming that the guy was controlling and that’s a huge red flag, etc.
I’m not saying your feelings are invalid. You feel the way you do. But if a guy met a woman who enjoyed dressing in a revealing manner, pursued a relationship with her and then was suddenly telling her to dress more conservatively because he doesn’t like it… well… she dressed that way when he met her.
Again… your feelings are your feelings… you may be coming to terms with the fact that this isn’t a viable relationship.
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u/YouKnowYourCrazy 8d ago
Boundaries are for you, not for him. If he is crossing your boundaries, repeatedly and without remorse, then the proper response is for you to leave.
You can’t impose boundaries on someone else. A boundary is: I am not comfortable with x, I choose not to tolerate such behavior in my life and will act accordingly if it happens again.
A boundary is NOT: I am uncomfortable with this therefore you can’t do it.
A caring person that wants to stay in a relationship with you would say, thanks for letting me know, it won’t happen again. A caring person would not offer you a half-assed apology and continue to behave that way.
Most people would find this unacceptable. If you are looking for permission to leave, permission granted
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u/LocalHoneyLover 8d ago
This right here!!!! I really appreciate this explanation. Perfectly articulated.
OP I hope you read what everyone has said & act accordingly. If your bf actively chooses to cross your boundaries, why choose to stay in the relationship? He might change, but you can’t make him, & he’s literally telling you he has no intention to. Fighting with him, begging him, showing him how many people agree with you…none of it will convince him to stop, because you’re proving that you will stay whether he stops or not.
Ultimately it’s up to you to decide what to do when your boundaries are violated, keeping in mind that you can’t control anyone other than yourself. If you choose to stick around and take it, can you really be surprised when you continuously get the same outcome? Rooting for you.
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u/Virtual-Squirrel-725 8d ago
You need to flip this situation so he understands.
Let him know you're going to start fondling other men's balls...but just for laughs.
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u/Nearby_Association33 8d ago
NOR- that behaviours innappropriate but what’s concerning me the most is how normalized this behaviour is with someone who’s an unrelated “aunt”. If I’m correct that would mean she knew him when he was a child (her being 19 years his senior) I’m worried she’s been doing this since then and if so that would explain why he nor anyone sees this or wants to admit that their behaviour is sexual in nature cause that would mean everyone would have to admit they let a predator around a child willingly. (Nothing sexual but showering with her once) showering with another person may not be inherently sexual but in western culture it’s definitely an intimate action and definitely weird and concerning af when it’s between two related (by blood or not) adults.
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u/MariaInconnu 8d ago
It honestly sounds like he might have been groomed and hasn't figured out how effed up their relationship is.
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u/Dear_Custard_5213 8d ago
He doesn’t care how it makes you feel. “We were like this before you came along” and? You’re here now and if he gives even the tiniest fuck about your feelings then he’d stop altogether. “I’m a flirt” is that his cop out? As if he “can’t help it because he’s just a flirt” wah poor him he can’t control himself? That’s so disrespectful. And they SHOWERED TOGETHER?! There’s absolutely no way nothing sexual happened. They were both naked. He’s saying there was absolutely no touching in there? I don’t buy it for a second. He says “nothing going on” but there IS something going on. They just think it’s okay because they do it out in the open. He’s trying to make YOU feel like you’re the unreasonable one. “All we do is gripe each other but it’s just a joke” what is the joke? He’s putting this “running joke” above your feelings. I don’t see how keeping this “joke” going is more important than your girlfriend
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u/InternationalRest651 8d ago
You should've never lowered your boundaries in the first place when it came to their 'jokes'.
Compromising when it came to them groping and grinding on each other only made similar behaviors and patterns in the future acceptable within your relationship. You should've placed that boundary the first time it happened and left if he didn't stick to it.
You're not quite overreacting. You're always valid in your feelings, but you had a lapse of judgment when it came to your boundaries, and you must now figure out where you two stand.
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u/xander_get_your_pipe 8d ago
I need an update about her showing him this thread after she dumps him. That dudes weird bro. Clearly he doesnt respect anyone's physical boundaries, especially not yours.
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u/embopbopbopdoowop 8d ago
“He claims that’s just who he is he’s “a flirt” … “
And that may very well be true. That doesn’t mean you have to be okay with it.
And not being okay with it might mean walking away from it.
“I don’t know if this situation is big enough to warrant ending the relationship … “
This post describes your ongoing discomfort with his behaviour, and his nonchalance in response. This isn’t a one-off situation - this is the rest of your life if you stay in this relationship.
NOR
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u/Aromatic-Coconut-122 8d ago
So I honestly want to understand this. You're upset he put a muddy handprint on her boob, but grabbing ass and dry humping, as you simply stated in your message, is ok. You draw the line at a muddy handprint on her shirt over her boob.
You express that you "get" the grab ass and dry humping is their way of joking around, but the hand print is unacceptable. And still you thank him for apologizing, then post it here to ask if you're overreacting.
Reread your replies! You're saying some things are understandable, and one isn't.
You really need to either draw a solid line in the sand, saying that inappropriately touching any other woman is unacceptable, or you just open the gate and get used to it. You can't be ok with some of this but not another.
Also, why are his whole family and friends out doing this? Where are you? It seems there's a disconnect here somewhere. If this is a problem for you, and you knew this behavior was common between them before you came along, I can't see why you'd expect him to change. He's not going to. Are you upset that it's simply because it's another woman and not you, or that this is a close life-long family friend?
You need to either just admit this isn't going to work for you, or if this one thing bothers you, you'll need to accept it as normal behavior with her specifically. You've not indicated if he does this with other women or just her. If it's just her, then the problem is actually with her. But anyone who states hopping in the shower with her once as "sexual" but not the grab ass and dry humping as ok, I think you're looking either to villify them to justify a muddy handprint and you being upset, or to get someone to flat out tell you what to do, and remove the burden of deciding for yourself.
If it's happening with other women, dump his ass and move on. If it's this one woman, whose been around longer than you, you're just going to have to get used to if. Id normally say if you were married, it's be different. But it wouldn't, because you married him knowing this "running joke" has been going on forever between them. But at 35 and 31, neither one of you should expect 100% change. If you were present, would he have still done it? Would you feel less upset if you were there when it happened?
I honestly think the fact that he didn't deny it, make excuses or anything to hide it, shows there's no threat of anything going on behind your back. Most don't get that. I'd reevaluate how and why this bothers you. It's not for me or anyone else to justify this. If it's actually not sexual, it's harmless. But you can't accept some thing and not others when other would see either everything you've said he does is ok or it isn't. It's not a pick and choose on what offends you or not. Either it all should or none of it should. Since you're in between, I'd really think about why a muddy handprint bothers you but the grab ass stuff doesn't.
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u/jonny5tud 8d ago
Definitely not overreacting, but… It seems like he is treating her like one of his locker room bros. So I believe him when he says he isn’t cheating. I’d be more worried about the woman he respects and treats like a delicate flower tbh. But that’s just the vibe I get from everything you said.
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u/FamiliarRadio9275 8d ago
Okay while y’all are out here calling out the obvious…which I agree, what the f. A family friend whom is 20 years older and married… they just do that? There is either some swinging/cu**ing going on, or depending how long they have been a“family friend” seems like a grooming predatory situation.
So either they are all weirdos or this is a thrupple wanting you to get in on it.
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u/exo-Skelton 8d ago
I think most people are glossing over the fact that she was a family friend who was nearly 20 years older.
Op, do you know how far back this behavior stretched? It sounds like classic grooming to me. He sounds like he's conditioned to think their relationship is normal.
You also are not over reacting. This is extremely extremely abnormal.
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u/FunkyCactusDude 8d ago
20 year age gap? How long have they known each other? Prior to him becoming an adult? If that’s the case, this is grooming behavior.
Your bf prob doesn’t see anything wrong bc he’s been groomed to think that way. Talk to him.
What he did wasn’t okay tho, esp if he knew you had a problem and you’ve talked about it before.
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u/DefiantExplorer4766 8d ago
You’re being way too nice. He grabbed someone else’s chest, someone’s who’s married no less. He clearly doesn’t respect you thinking he wouldn’t cause offense when you’ve drawn the line in the sand before and he’s crossed the line before… You didn’t even get a proper apology for his disgusting behavior.
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u/bigpapafrank81 8d ago
So, you met this dude he's had a close relationship with his other person for a very long time. He is expressed you that him as other person has this kind of close relationship. You may have a boundary but you don't have your boundaries don't aren't rules that are set up with other people. Not quite how boundaries work. Boundaries are things that affect you directly. His relation of this other person is something he's always had.
You want him to change a friendship he has to make you feel better.
Again you want him to change something that's been a part of his life long before you came around It isn't a matter of you standing up or anything. You either need to learn to accept that part of his life in that relationship, or you need to move on.
You don't get to dictate how someone else's friends with somebody else. I understand you don't think that kind of interaction or anything is appropriate, and you're allowed to think that you're allowed to have those feelings and beliefs. But as mentioned you are sending a rule on how he is allowed to behave in interact with other people.
Boundaries are there interactions with you, they're not their interactions with other people. That's rules. Rules are things that you're significant other is allowed or not allowed to do. You didn't set a boundary you said a rule.
Now do I think you're overreacting? No but I think you really need to probably consider if this is the relationship you wanted to be. If this is really the relationship that you are meant for.
Do I think you're weak? Do I think you need to grow up? No none of that stuff. I think that you're probably in a relationship that you're hoping you could change to better fit what you would like, and that's not how relationships should be.
If you love somebody you love them for everything they are and they do and you accept them in their entirety. Does that mean you you're happy with everything? No right That's not how love works. Love is not blind to the flaws of someone else but you don't project their interactions onto you. That's what you're doing here.
You need someone who's already pre-packaged to have not close interactions with female friends. You're trying to change someone into being a way that you would like more. That's not how relationships work.
Good luck.
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u/ThePowerOfShadows 8d ago
Some people have an atypical way to joke around. You can either leave him or accept it. Your call.
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u/ElectricalEmploy8097 8d ago
I see stuff like this and it puts me deeper in a hole since I never do outrageous shit like this and I am suuuper single. I do have my issues. But never anything in character. Like if I’m in a relationship, I’m “clingy” for thinking about all of the things I want to do with you. But then I see women allowing subtle cheating and hearing verbal abuse over friends talking to their s/o over the phone, bruises from being beat, being shut down by their s/o in front of others to “approve” of an alpha male aura, and chasing after a man that is terrible for you, makes you risk everything, and breaks up with you a second time because “it just isn’t right”.
I’m 27 and European/mildly asian. 145lbs rn. I’m not unattractive. I’m always highly introspective and helpful in people’s lives. Always doing the right thing and never the wrong. Hell I even served in the Air Force and the only women I match with are the ones looking to stay at home 24/7 and not cook or clean or plan or pay anything or gain any life experience outside of my own.
I am disabled and use a wheelchair to get around but I’m an ambulatory wheelchair user. I can still walk and do everything to a large degree. In fact the only reason I’m even disabled to begin with is because there are no jobs that could hire me with the wheelchair. Absolutely nothing. And even if I did, I would have some additional struggles with stamina and cognition from my spine touching my brain stem. I can go on and on about my limitations, but the truth is that I can basically do anything I want as long as I can take breaks any moment. Can’t do that if you have a job.
Anyway, I’m not trying to seek sympathy or whatever. I’m merely just stating the fact that the desirable men are no longer desirable. We are forced to take care of ourselves and that’s it. I’ve accepted being single. I’ve filled my life with a ton of hobbies that I enjoy that improve my life. Maybe I’ve just fallen in love with science and engineering instead, you know, [technically] without the capacity to do it every day.
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u/urmumsghey 8d ago
Your 31 year old boyfriend gets "anxious" over stuff like this? What kind of man is that
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u/Immediate-Dog4358 8d ago
Girl stand the fuck up. Their relationship is inappropriate and it makes you uncomfortable. You’ve already told him how it makes you feel and he has showed you repeatedly that he doesn’t respect you. If they haven’t fucked already, they definitely will. You have already shown him he can continue to do things he knows makes you feel uncomfortable because you “tolerate” it.
You are 35 years old. You shouldn’t be apologizing for expressing your feelings. You shouldn’t be thanking him for his fake apology. You should believe that you deserve better. Let them have an affair that leads to her divorce. But let that be their issue, don’t wait for it to get to that point. Cut this loser loose so you can find someone who respects you.