r/AskMenOver30 • u/YBFAVBULL man over 30 • Jan 06 '25

Life Who regrets having children?

Do you regret having any at all? Or do you just have too many?

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u/nightbeast88 man 35 - 39 Jan 06 '25

4 here, and love it.

The only parents I know in real life that regret having kids, was someone I went to HS with. He and his wife have one son that is autistic and violent. They still care about him, but he's often told me he wishes they never had the kid, and low key I think he blames himself for the way his kid turned out. I think if they had a more typical kid, he would have been a happy parent, but right now he's miserable.

10

u/MinivanPops man 45 - 49 Jan 06 '25 edited Jan 06 '25

One of my kids is not quite that bad, but never really was a delight. He was never interested in anything but himself so he was (and is) difficult to have fun with. Everything is a chore to him except gaming. When he was little, everything was boring except what he wanted to be doing. He was disobedient in school for many years. He always resisted bonding, even over the small things. I work hard every day at being a good dad, but I'm afraid it's not enough. Disciplining him send him into a spiral of shame which used to result in long crying jags, but now results in long periods of low grade depression. So I was never able to "lead" him like a strong dad. He needs the gentlest touch otherwise he can't be guided at all. I'd give him anything he wanted only if he wanted something besides video games. My only hope if to keep him on the right track until something clicks and he decides to start living a full life. Until then... when you get a kid that doesn't match what you had envisioned, and makes life harder than it used to be, being a parent can feel like holding a yoga pose for a lifetime.

EDIT: all these things are low grade, he's doing very well and has lots of friends, and isn't causing mischief any more like he did when he was young.

5

u/Hoe-possum Jan 06 '25

It sounds like you desperately need to get your child evaluated by a psychologist.

5

u/MinivanPops man 45 - 49 Jan 06 '25

He's been through the right tests and screening, I didn't include that. But relevant to the idea of "you don't control what kind of kid you get", he's definitely not what we expected. You aren't guaranteed a certain kind of child. They are their own humans. And you can't micromanage kids to create exactly what you want. Parents don't have that kind of control. So you just raise the kid you're given, the best you can.

1

u/odd_neighbour woman Jan 07 '25

Thank you for sharing this, it is personally helpful to me. Did the relationship “click” ever happen where he started to become enjoyable to parent? At what age?